<p>Help!! I suspect many of us have these relatives… they routinely live beyond their means… constantly justify their spending habits, but convince themselves they are managing their funds adequately. They seem to feel that other family members should subsidize their lifestyle. They have had a long history of unnecessary purchases and poor saving habits. Add to it the embellished medical calamities that lead to constant (and on several occasions unnecessary) treatments, procedures, medications, surgeries, you name it (even when an illnes is “real” it is catastrophized. Never do they simply have a cold-- it is always an upper respiratory infection, bronchitis or pneumonia-- usually self-diagnosed). So, from their perspective they have endured extreme hardships. From the perspective of everyone else, they have been unreasonable in their personal, medical and financial lives. These relatives have constantly turned to parents and siblings… but now parents are deceased. One sibling has put their foot down. No more help. No more “loans” (aka handouts-- as loans are never repaid). This sibling has said “NO MORE!” and told us they will say no to any request for $$$ if they are asked.</p>
<p>Update… the wife in this couple hasn’t worked in years due to the reported medical disasters that always surface. Now, the husband has been laid off (after returning from some unknown and clandestine short term “disability”). They are paying for their COBRA out of pocket (they will never qualify for personal insurance due to their history) and are living off the money left from inheritance afer the parents death. This will last for a little while, but not for a long time. Since the other sibling has cut off the tap, it is just a matter of time before our phone will be ringing. We are already hearing the cries of how expensive it is to live without an income (duh). The husband is supposedly looking for a job and trying to get some contract work, but this is certainly a tough time for that for anyone.</p>
<p>I am the firmer one in our house, and have no problem declining the opportunity to enable the 20+ year fiscal mismanagement behavior that we have witnessed (and it isn’t my family member who has done this). However, my H is a soft touch. I fear, no, I know, that this relative will prey upon his kindness. For years we have discussed the day that this would happen (it was all very predictable). I have always said I would work hard to raise and educate my family, but that I wasnt prepared to do it for their family. I knew this day would come… and now it is rapidly approaching. I feel bad that I want to stand my ground and not become the family member that constantly bails them out of their financial messes (the parents did that until the day they died) but I don’t want to get into a struggle with my H. He has seen this behavior in his sibling, and from an intellectual standpoint he understands that he shouldnt hand them any money… but I know him-- he his a kind-hearted soul.</p>
<p>I would prefer not to get into specifics here about their hypochondriacal behavior. They are convinced their medical issues are real, and they go doctor shopping until they find one who agrees with them. Sadly, the only doctors they DON’T listen to are the Psychiatrists. Even without the medical stuff, they have never, ever lived within their means. The parents chose to continue to constantly bail them out, but I am not interested in taking that on. We frequently paid for things for them-- always pay for meals or hotels and such when we are with them, and pay way more than our share of things, or just never expected them to contribute to things that we and the other sibling paid for. They have taken advantage of our generosity on so many occasions it makes me mad just to think about it, and I’d prefer not to get into examples.</p>
<p>So, how do I support my H but help him JUST SAY NO when the pitiful cries come? He knows how I feel, but he has a harder time saying no. </p>
<p>For other relatives who have been independent and self sufficient, but who may have fallen on hard times, we have been happy to help in an emergency if necessary and if we can. This situation is different. It is a chronic problem that they deny and have no willingness to address. They dont see their behavior as a problem, and when suggestions to contact consumer credit counselors are made they get offended.</p>
<p>Any suggestions as to how to be prepared, and how to keep the peace???</p>
And yes, we have our own expenses to deal with, not to mention dealing with my dad and his issues, as he could outlive his money. However, if we help my dad, will I be expected to “help” the sib in return?</p>
In all honesty, it does sometimes becomme a bit of a professional hazard when I try to address things like “somatoform disorder” or “hypochondriasis” (not so bluntly-- but I try to explain more delicately to my H) and “enabling” behaviors. Hard to deal with when I know what is so unhealthy and have to deal with the “wearing your professional hat” issue…</p>