<p>^Right, dke, and you’ve got “sucker” written all over your forehead…</p>
<p>dke and ellemenope-
Exactly!! I know full well that giving <em>one red cent</em> to BIL would be the START of the never-ending pleas for $$$. We have been successful thus far in saying “no” most times he asked us to pay for something or for a “loan” , because we could deflect/defer to FIL, who is now no longer here to ante up (well, he DID ante up-- and in addition to gifting BIL the maximum $$$ allowed without tax implications every year, he left a <em>very nice</em> inheritance that would put any normal person in a good financial position.) He hasn’t run through it yet, but he is living off of it and it is just a matter of time (I predicted it would last several years, but that was before all the financial stocks took such a big hit, and before BIL lost his job… and before he decided to buy more cars and motorcycles and start his own business).</p>
<p>I commented on the thread that Northstarmom started regarding a similar problem, that
I’ve got an idea… Since it is easier to say “no” to someone else’s deadbeat friend/relative, how about if we deputize each other as our “financial advisor”? So, if, for eg, NSM’s friends ask her for $$ or sheets or food (see her thread for the specifics) she can reply, “I am going to consult my financial advisor, and ask him/her to give you a call to respond to your request” Then, whoever is appointed here as NSM"s “Fin. Advisor” would call the friends and either politely say something like “sorry, NSM will not be able to grant your request” (that sounds like the Wizard of Oz, doesn’t it??) or they will just say “no”! Who is in??</p>
<p>Quick update-
BIL went on a job interview-- but hasn’t heard back. DH asked him if he had applied for unemployment. Uh, no. Apparently that is beneath him (or words to that effect). I guess its ok to ask family for $$ but not from the govt? Maybe if he understood that his former employer already paid $$ into the unemployment tax, he’d feel like he was getting it from his previous employer?? Sigh…</p>
<p>We decided to pass on the gift idea of USAA financial help. BIL hs a tendency to believe that if he didnt come up with the idea himself, that it is not of use for him. If he came up with it it’d be brilliant, but if somene else came up with it, there’d be something wrong with it. So, never mind.</p>
<p>Basically in our family, unless there is an immediate crisis, we give no handouts without going through a financial analysis process. This is something we have told our kids and have imposed on everyone. We had to do this because there were too many requests for handouts after we helped one famiy member in crisis.</p>
<p>A couple of years ago we worked with one of the cousins to get him out of his bad situation. No one is happy about it as we shared the pain. But it did work in terms of letting him keep the house and getting him back on his feet, however precariously. Don’t expect anyone to be grateful for your help either. Rarely happens.</p>
<p>We NEVER give money directly to the person who makes the request. Once that money goes to that person, it’s theirs and they can spend it any way they choose. If we CHOOSE to help someone out, we offer to pay a bill directly TO the vendor. And we do this for necessities…we have helped with an occasional payment of health insurance premiums and a car payment (for a relative who lived in a rural area). Right now, we have two kids in college. If anyone came to us requesting a loan of any kind, I probably would laugh at them. We do NOT have a money machine in our basement.</p>
<p>We have an acquaintance who has told us several tales of lending money to acquaintances who then did not pay her back, and she has sued them. It seems she should have learned her lesson already and stopped putting herself and others in this position, and one has to wonder if the power is part of the game. While we never have or would borrow anything from this woman, it does affect our comfort with her…somehow it feels “mean”.</p>
<p>We don’t loan money to friends and certainly not to “acquaintances”. We would only pay the bill for a close family member…and then ONLY ONE TIME…and directly to the vendor.</p>
<p>As a preventive measure I would call them and ask for financial assistance for something (does not need to be real).</p>
<p>^^ LOL MiamiDAP. Good ol’ reverse psychology.</p>
<p>I am still struggling with the “we have moral issues with it” excuse for his not filing for unemployment (he’s not organized enough, or doesnt want to be bothered to have to fill out the paperwork is my bet). Can someone suggest a choice phrase to use when he asks for $$?? Can I say I have a “moral issue” with lending $$ to relatives?</p>
<p>just say you have
“moral issues” with someone who can’t be bothered to take the time to fill out paperwork in order to get free $$$. If doing that is “too much trouble”, then they obviously don’t need money too badly, do they?</p>
<p>Um, aren’t unemployment benes actually a pay out on unemployment insurance he paid, deducted from his check? Of course if he is a 1099 employee I believe he is not eligible!</p>
<p>He was a fulltime employee, somemom, so is entitled to unemployment (though I don’t know the reason for his dismissal–I will asume he is entitled to unemployment and wasn’t let go for some reason that would disqualify him). I just think he doesn’t want to be bothered with the paperwork he has to fill out, and/or doesn’t want to be bothered with the hassle of going down to the office (though insome states its all on line now) so will make up a bogus reason not to do it. He claimed he was offered a government contract to do wome work with veterans, but would also have to fill out some lengthy paperwork to finalize the contract. Needless to say, that hasn’t happened yet either.</p>
<p>"choice phrase to use "</p>
<ul>
<li>“Sorry, we have no funds available to lend, please, seek other sources (ask somebody else)”</li>
</ul>
<p>Hmm…I’ve had very different experiences around lending money.</p>
<p>I lent $1,500 to a co-worker to cover a gambling debt, believe it or not–she wasn’t a gambling addict, merely someone who had become over-enthusiastic at a casino one night–and she paid me back right on schedule a couple of weeks later. </p>
<p>I lent $5K to a family member who was in financial straits. I was paid back in full within a year or so, when their affairs were straightened out. I would note that none of the people with substantial inherited fortunes would help them out, just this poor wage slave.</p>
<p>Of course, neither of these people were habitual abusers. ;)</p>
<p>The exception that proves the rule, Consolation.</p>
<p>
This is the key. As I mentioned earlier, if someone had been doing fine and was in a brief pinch and needed help due to some unfortunate circumstance/emergency, that is entirely different than the moocher/poor money manager with a long history of fiscal mismanagement.</p>
<p>When my father passed away earlier this year my brother was unable to pay his share for the funeral (a few thousand dollars each). I have gently requested that he make a contribution 2 times since (in the last 9 months) or that perhaps he tell me how he would like to pay over time. The last time I asked this he commented he was barely paying his bills. Imagine my surprise today, then, when he complained over the phone over how hard it is to set up his new Blackberry which he had to get because he was so sick of his Treo. I have the same phone I bought 5 years ago.</p>
<p>How can someone not be embarassed?</p>
<p>Luckily, I am an overseas phone call away, so didn’t get the request from ‘that’ family member. (some of my siblings have already floated loans with no repayment in sight.) </p>
<p>I dunno what I would say, if they asked.</p>
<p>Anitaw, you should have asked him directly how he can afford it when he can barely pay his bills. The silence of his answer would have been deafening.</p>
<p>Veryhappy-
I’ve found that, sadly, when you ask the person a question that might make you and I feel put on the spot, they just come back with some vague BS response/excuse that seems perfectly reasonable to them. They are masters at rationalizing their distorted logic. Like my BIL bought a SECOND motorcycle (and we are talking a high end expensive one, and he also has like 4 cars) claiming that the other bike was too heavy and with his shoulder problems he needed a lighter bike and one with some fancy windshield. Did he sell his older bike? Of course not. Without skipping a beat he claimed it “wasn’t the right time” and that he might not get what it was worth. GEEZ! He said this in the fall when gas prices were through the roof. He could have sold it for plenty of $$ b/c people needed transportation with good gas mileage. Now its the dead of winter, and gas prices are down. No one is gonna buy a bike at any price now. Sheesh. People with chronic money problems (that is of their own doing) seem to have a talent for making up excuses.</p>