A post on another thread got me thinking about how much effort everyone makes to accommodate food issues.
I have zero problem accommodating allergies if I know about them in advance. I struggle more with the food preferences/picky eaters in my circle and can get a bit more salty about that. This is front and center for me right now because I’m hosting for Easter and I have half the group that falls into one of the categories above.
It took me forever to menu plan for the four days to account for everyone and while no one will go hungry, picky eater won’t eat the main protein 2 of the nights so I need to have another main option. As a result I have way more food than I need, and I cook more variety of things which takes more time, money, and energy.
I don’t remember my parents doing this kind of stuff when they hosted back in the day. They cooked a meal. People ate it. And no one gave a long list of things that they wouldn’t eat. And as a side note, at least in my family, it’s the people with the full blown allergies that are the most accommodating and don’t ask for anything special. They’ll just eat what they can. The picky folks say that but then don’t do it and are scrounging for something they like better.
That all said, I guess I’d rather know in advance and not have someone show up that won’t eat anything I’ve prepared.
Thanks for listening and I’d love to hear how you handle this when you are hosting and how you stay sane?
Maybe consider sharing with them ahead of time what your menu is, and if others aren’t planning to bring something to contribute, you can gently suggest they feel free to bring something they and others might enjoy (and in case they don’t see something they will eat).
We hosted a Thanksgiving one year where we had to put out signs to label the kosher, gluten free, vegetarian, vegan, and sugar free items. It was a PITA, to be honest. Kosher turkeys are very expensive and I wasn’t able to find one big enough, so encouraged the person bringing her kosher mother in law to bring a kosher turkey breast. It worked out but was a ton of work! hang in there!
This. I’d say, “this is what I’m serving, feel free to bring something if this isn’t to your taste” and leave it at that. And if they’re flying, guess what? They can still swing by a market that sells prepared foods and grab something.
I can relate to this and have some of both at our family gatherings.
One is a vegetarian. He is a great eater otherwise and also is happy to cook and contribute. But I often struggle with a “main” dish.
One is “food restriction of the month” it seems. lol. Right now she is dairy free and restricts gluten. I think!
One is picky. That is my husband. He likes very simple and familiar and even after 45ish years of marriage where I like LOTS of variety, he does not.
All my picky kids grew up to be great eaters and cooks.
If I’m hosting this group for more than a meal I give myself the grace to order at least one meal out. Take the pressure off. I also make the kids/guests decide what that is going to be. Let them figure it out! I’ll pay for it!
And yes, most of my family IS good about bringing dishes and I’m not shy to accept them.
You are so right though - when we were growing up while there were SOME allergies, if there were any problems at the table it was just someone saying “I don’t LIKE that”. - not “I can’t eat that!”
Maybe one thing you can do is to try to not pay attention to what people choose to eat or not eat at the meals as well. Disassociate your efforts from other people’s choices. Sounds like we are talking about all adults. If they are hungry after a meal, they can always do the tried and true “We’re going out for a bit and be back in a while” and drive themselves to a restaurant or store that serves something they want to eat.
Another idea you can think about going forward is making restaurant reservations instead of making 2-3 different meals for a gathering. Less time and effort on your part, more options for allergies/pickiness, no clean up afterwards.
We had guests one year. One was a vegetarian, one a pescatarian, one couldn’t eat any raw greens or anything with seeds, add in dairy free and gluten free. I knew this in advance.
I made a burger bar. Included salmon burgers, veggie burgers, Turkey burgers, regular burgers. Gluten free and regular buns. All toppings served on the side…cheeses, tomatoes, lettuce, pickles, etc. A couple of side dishes.
Whew.
BUT the same guests returned a year later and I didn’t want to serve the same meal! So the second time, I did a pasta bar…regular and gluten free pastas, regular meatballs, veggie meatballs, side salads for those who could eat them, gluten free garlic bread. Cheese on the side.
Many years ago, I hosted an Easter dinner. One guest was a vegetarian and I had no idea this was the case. She could eat the scalloped potatoes, and green beans, but that was about it. Luckily I had some cottage cheese.
I’ve started keeping a file of allergies/preferences for a handful of guests who return periodically, so I have some ideas for their next visit. But of course, things change and now the person who didn’t like olives suddenly eats only olives or something like that!
The struggle is real! I want to be a gracious host and have something for everyone. I mainly host family and I would not want to send the menu out ahead as I’d get way to many opinions back. I just hosted Passover and of course my one child and husband said I didn’t need to make so many things. This is the same kid who asked if I was making roast chicken in addition to the brisket.
We have several members with allergies and I try to accommodate them. I have one who is just picky, another who can’t tolerate garlic. Going forward I need to figure out how to plan and serve for a grandchild with severe food allergies.
If I sent a menu out ahead, I’d diplomatically say that this is my set menu and I hope everyone will find many things they enjoy, but feel free to bring in (or order ahead) anything else you might like. I’d note what was gluten free, nut free, etc.
I swear that sometimes it feels like you are a restaurant and not a host.
@abasket we have the same husband! He used to say that I was the picky one, now he knows he is. I was just at my daughter’s house, other than the veggie burgers, we didn’t eat one thing that he will try. It’s super frustrating.
My mil has stopped hosting holidays because of this. The vegetarians put her over the edge. Because one holiday they were vegetarian, the next vegan. And she proclaimed she’s too old to deal. My bil hosts now but he doesn’t care what people eat or not. He hosts, people bring stuff. They eat or not. He’s unperturbed
My daughter has celiac and I have multiple allergies/sensitivities. We bring our own food. Sometimes a host will, say, leave out a bowl of vegetables without butter for me before buttering but I don’t ask. Celiac brings so much danger when anyone prepares anything so it is just safer to bring her own.
Holidays and other meals together are about the people gathering, not the food, in my mind. There are holidays where I don’t have much to eat but I push my fork around or eat a lot of the one thing I can eat.
I am allergic to crustaceans but it’s generally pretty easy to avoid and I don’t expect anyone to do anything special for me. My H is even getting more sensitive to crustaceans as he gets older as well.
I’ve never had difficulty finding lots of great things to eat. In HI, there is often rice, which is naturally gluten free.
H tries to avoid lactose as it makes him feel bloated but he’s pretty good at limiting intake if it. We don’t inconvenience hostesses and generally are fine at restaurants.
I think you’re setting yourself up for frustrating by trying to do this for 4 days. Host the big holiday meal and make sure you have a variety of breakfast and snack options that can work and then outsource the rest! Either plan to go out or assign meal planning to other people. If they’re staying for 4 days, I have to assume these are close family or friends. Share the “joy”.
My husband and son are celiac, my DIL has a dairy allergy, and my in laws have specific things they aren’t allowed to eat. We spent 4 days together last summer and it went pretty well. The main proteins were adaptable – so as mentioned, people could add what they themselves could have, and avoid problems.
For gatherings here, all the food is gluten free and most of it is dairy free. I post what we are eating on the fridge so nobody is surprised. So these are pretty straightforward , whole food menus. We hosted the wedding brunch here so we had control of the food, and everything was labelled if it had nuts, dairy, or soy (but mostly it didn’t have any of those; I’m the one who made what couldn’t be bought, like fruit bowls, yogurt, etc.)
I can’t tell you how many weddings we’ve been to where there was absolutely nothing to eat for them. And no, there isn’t always a grocery store with something to pick up upon arrival, that’s a myth. Food allergies and celiac are very isolating as a daily thing, so we always appreciate when someone asks “Do you want to bring your own food? Is there something specific I can do for you?” Because of course the problem is, you can buy something gluten free (or whatever-free) but can you prepare it safely? So if nothing else, I advise just asking those two questions. If you’ve bought something whatever-free, I also suggest keeping it in the original container and letting the person see it , to assure them it is okay.
Short answer:
You do your best and then choose to focus on how you’re spending time together, because it’s all about spending time together. It’s not about the food.
Longer answer: I do these things:
find out ahead of time what food allergies or food restrictions people have. This would be a legitimate allergy or food restriction that’s related to a health condition…like somebody’s diabetic and they need low carb options. We have 2 with celiac disease in our extended family + 1 of the 2 celiacs is also allergic to shellfish (which works out because I don’t really like shellfish anyway).
I cook what I want to.
If somebody was a vegetarian, I’d try to have 1 main dish and a couple of sides that were totally & completely vegetarian, so the person wouldn’t go away hungry.
appetizers/snack foods before the main meal: I try to make sure that there’s 1 snack food for each allergy/restriction/vegetarian person.
I ask each person with a special food restriction to bring something if there’s something they really love/something special they really want to eat. Being from out of town isn’t an excuse. They can go to the grocery store. We don’t live in outer Mongolia. The grocery store is 5 min away.
For people who’ve changed their food preference (i.e., from vegetarian to vegan) w/o telling me ahead of time - that’s their problem. I am not at fault for their inability to speak up for themselves and to do any sort of planning in advance. I don’t read minds. I know that sounds blunt.
If we were, for example, having people over with, like 6 different requirements/preferences for different types of ‘milk’ they want for their coffee, I’d get a couple of options and suggest to everyone ahead of time to bring whatever type of milk/creamer they like best. I’m not going to buy half & half, whole milk for another person, nonfat milk for yet somebody else, oat milk for person #3, soy milk for person #4, almond milk for person #5. There are 3 places to grab a quick coffee within 5 min of our house. They’re welcome to go out to get whatever coffee they want if what we have here is not ok.
I don’t focus on the food. I don’t focus on what people are/are not eating.
I don’t point out to a guest, “Why aren’t you eating any of X?”
Once in awhile, a guest with a food restriction is really dramatic about it and wants to talk on and on and on about it, thus making the get-together all about them. I try to redirect the conversation to other topics so we don’t have to listen to them drone on and on and on in their attention-seeking. Then if they still persist, I just stop listening to them and I throw out an occasional “Oh really?” or a “Uh huh” once in awhile so it LOOKS like I’m listening, when I’m really not. And if it gets to that point, I really have mentally & emotionally checked out from the person and I’m super close to not giving a rip if they didn’t like the food I prepared.
Picky eaters - I try to have a couple of things available that they will like to eat. Helps if the main dish is on their ‘favorites’ list. And I don’t play Food Police, so I don’t point it out to them or to the group about how Picky Eater is not eating everything available. My mom used to do that all the time and it was horribly embarrassing. And in my opinion, doing that is being a bad host/hostess. The point of the get together is spending time together. The food is just one aspect of it…it’s not the entire focus.
There was this one time many years ago when I was cooking all of the Christmas dinner food. ONE relative just wouldn’t shut up about their health-related food restriction. On and on and on about it. This person didn’t lift a finger the entire day, but expected everybody to cater to them. Super demanding. And in the lead up to Christmas Day, there were multiple phone calls from the person, obsessing about what was going to be on the menu.
This person also wanted ONLY food to be served that met their food restriction requirements. So didn’t want ANY dishes to be available that day that the person could NOT eat.
There were irritated and frustrated with me when I said no.
Yet another relative says the same thing every time we get together. “You know, I have celiac disease.” 25 yr of her saying this. Yes, we’re aware. Have we accidentally poisoned her through cross contamination of gluten at all in the past 25 yr? NO.
yet another extended family also has celiac disease. But THAT person is super flexible. She & spouse have some favorite gluten-free desserts, so she always prepares a gluten free dessert. They’ve been to our house many times and even live in another state. You know what they do when they get here? THEY GO TO THE GROCERY STORE LIKE NORMAL PEOPLE DO!
I make a killer gluten-free turkey gravy from scratch. And yeah, I even read the labels to make sure that the turkey itself doesn’t have any gluten injected into it.
But I still have stuffing on Thanksgiving or Christmas with them. It’s just not IN the bird. And we are really really really careful about cross contamination. And so far, no celiac relatives have gotten sick from my cooking.
