<p>
</p>
<p>I almost always have it with me, I just don’t look at it unless it rings. </p>
<p>We’ve been texting those little pictures that you can pick out on the I-phone back and forth for awhile. I love the idea that he doesn’t have time to send me a text, but he randomly sends me a picture of a cow or a chicken just to say “Hey, I’m thinking about you.”</p>
<p>I send pictures of the dog or something else funny from around the house/yard every few days. That often gets a response. If I haven’t heard from them (a Freshman D and Med School S) in a couple of days I simply text “are you still alive”. Those two things seem to keep the communication open. After the “are you still alive” – which I don’t send unless I haven’t hear anything for a few days, s/he will usually always call right afterward for a quick chat! The other thing I learned is I don’t ask a bunch or questions (which the dad does) when they do call. In return, I get the most calls and it’s their agenda with one or two questions from me ONLY if I need a few answers to things. I don’t give them the 3rd degree.</p>
<p>Hi-LOVE this discussion… </p>
<p>I dropped my kiddo off last week… SIGH! She is the first gone and she is far away. I miss her, so sue me! </p>
<p>Communication has been limited so I can’t tell you how happy I was to receive her first text “My French book is $250”. Overjoyed!! Keep those bills coming and keep telling me about them! In 10 days we have 2 or 3 brief texts responding to “I need…” We talked briefly in our scheduled Sunday phone call and she responded to my multiple( I know, too many) questions with “Yes, Fine, yes, Fine”… absolutely a let down… I wanted to know how her advisor meeting went, her roommate, auditions etc etc too much, I guess. I feel like I am dating a new person and we are both dancing around this new relationship. I don’t want to be too forward and eager, but I have to confess, I am living off anything she gives… I know, get a life…so yeah, we need to get a life. Ha! My poor kiddo #2….</p>
<p>For me and I think most of us, it is about hoping they are safe and happy.You can’t blame any parent, helicopter or not, for wanting to know that. I don’t feel we can really compare our college days’ communication with today and I say go ahead and text, but maybe be prepared to wait….a bit. I am learning quite quickly that the kiddos are now in charge. I think that is good, for the most part…ha !</p>
<p>A bit of fresh perspective…I visited my aging mom today at her assisted living. I had not talked to her in 10 days. She was really fine,and laughed really hard when I told her I now know how it feels not to hear from your child…</p>
<p>So much about this whole experience is about letting go and our own journey as parents and accepting that our kids’ have begun their own journey, INDEPENDENT of us( save that tuition payment)…let’s all give ourselves a break! Whatever works! Hugs! I am still sighing…and Thank you… keep the conversation going!</p>
<p>FWIW, have her buy used books or new older editions as much as possible. Hundreds of dollars can be saved, and she can spend the money on a present for you :)</p>
<p>Our college bookstore is outrageous, and kids can save $200 buying an older version of an identical but different author book on ebay. I tell them to do that. eBooks work well too, as long as the class doesn’t have open book tests.</p>
<p>I love this thread, too.
It is nice to see how different parents have different opinion and different parenting style. For sure, we all love our children and want them to be healthy, happy and safe. Personally I am trying to be gentle with both myself and with my child. We are both going through an important, necessary and joyous phase in our lives. Him going to college and starting a new life, me, (husband and younger daughter), staying behind.
For him it is a beginning, he is 17, for us, who are 50, more of a closing (his childhood with us), he is looking forward his future, our future is less exciting, as we have to face our own decline ( this is life ). So we are on two different, somehow naturally separate, journeys. We were in his shoes when we were 17. Youth is a precious time, it is a wonderful time, I am excited for him. I cannot share it with him but from the sidewalk, much like seeing somebody running a race and cheer up. I did run when it was my given time to do so, now it is his turn. Is anybody familiar with the poetry from Gibran the Prophet, talking about our children,how we parents are the bow, stable and lovingly bending, and our children are the arrows, sent forth into the future…
It is not we are finished, but we have already lived our youth, we need for them to live theirs as it is their given right, as a gift from life itself. There are different seasons, all can be meaningful and enjoyable, including ours , but nothing like the prime time of the beginning. I try to remember if my mother helped me or not back in my youth, and I remember that her strong intrusive personality was painful to deal with , at times. I want to give space and respect to my son, because that what I needed back then. Also we have to realize that it is not easy for them to have a successful transition in college. So I ask myself, as I am adjusting and learning, do I want to selfishly put first my need to stay in contact all the time, or I want to be supportive and mature, loving but respectful, as to help him to launch without being an imposing heavy presence in the background?</p>
<p>I think part of the problem is that perhaps somehow we have raised children who do not know how to have a conversation, or understand that communication is more than just functional – sharing information breeds connection. Example from interacting with my 15 year old daughter who is on a trip with her cross country team for a meet. Background: She’s been questionable to run all week because of tendonitis in her foot. It has been a primary concern for her (and therefore for us) all week long – diligent regimen of ice, ibuprofen, massage, etc. – all in the hopes that she’d be able to run today. So this AM, I texted her about a half hour before her race, “Go gators! Go Heather!” I knew she probably wouldn’t see it until after her race was over, but I wanted her to know I was thinking about her even if it was after the fact. I figured my chances were 50/50 whether she’d respond when she did get it, since I didn’t ask anything, and she’s in the midst of being with her team, etc… She did respond. But, only with “Ty” (thank you). Okay, REALLY?! After all the uncertainty of this past week, you’re not even going to give me any info about if you ran/how it went/how the foot is? You’re going to make me ask?! Sheesh. Could I wait until she gets home? Sure. But if she’s going to respond, why not just offer the info? “TY, ran, PR’d, got a medal.” My response to that would be “:-)” and that would be it. </p>
<p>Ouch, Ailinsh1, I know it is frustrating. She is only 15, my son is 17, they don’t get it. Maybe she is busy having fun with her friends, not realizing your concerns and your very reasonable need for an answer. Well, one can always try to explain things to them again and again, until they get it in their immature young heads! Actually, if I were you I would talk to her more while she still lives at home, because when they are gone there will be much less chance to explain and convey message or teaching moments…
I did not realize that with my first child time was running out…Well, I also have a daughter still at home,I should talk about important things to her now,while I still can get her attention, and she is still sweet and attached to me ( she is 13)…
On another hand, I like how, now some of us who who are lucky to still have parents alive, reconnect with them , calling more, etc. That seems to me a wonderful way of closing the generational loop…</p>
<p>Some of these are interesting to me considering it seems like some of the kids referred to here are high school students. </p>
<p>At my high school (although I hear they recently repealed this) the consequences for being caught with a phone- whether you were using it or not- were draconian. Automatic in school suspension for one day on your first catch. It went up from there. These rules even applied to school-sanctioned after school events (like sports teams). </p>
<p>I almost lost my dad my last day of 7th grade. I truly, truly understand how precious our time is together. However, I don’t think that means I have to drop everything to answer every single little text. If it’s important, call. If it’s not, I just don’t think texts always require answers. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This expectation of instantaneous response seems to be affecting some parents as well as some millenials who fit the stereotype. An expectation which IMO is unreasonable.</p>
<p>Especially if it is in the context of being a short time before a major performance event like an exam, speech/stage performance, or athletic event. </p>
<p>IME, the last few hours before such events, the individual concerned tend to prefer shutting out as much external stimuli in order to put him/herself into the proper “zone” to perform at his/her best.</p>
<p>Could this be one reason why Profs have to deal with an increasing problem of students texting/playing with smartphones during class? Parents who expect instantaneous responses no matter how disruptive/inappropriate answering texts/phone calls can be in a given venue?</p>
<p>I <em>wasn’t</em> expecting an instantaneous response. I knew full well that she wouldn’t see the text until <em>after</em> her race; she’d be out warming up or whatever, and her phone would be in her bag. I figured my chances for a response <em>at all</em> were maybe 50/50 after she did see it. What bugged me was that when she did respond, she didn’t offer any information at all. Quite frankly, not responding would have been better than responding but not providing any information. I occasionally have had to text my kids during their school days, but they know that they are not to use their phones in class (both have had phones taken away for a week when I spot checked their usage and saw texting happening during class times); my expectation is that at lunch or after school before practice, they respond. I like them to acknowledge texts like that even if it just a, “k”, so I know they got the info, since usually me sending them a text is because of some change in logistical plans/rides/etc…</p>
<p>I think expecting a high school student to text you back during lunch is completely unreasonable. JMO. I think high school students should leave their phones off or in their lockers during the day. There’s absolutely no reason for them to be out. If there is truly an emergency, call the office and have the student be pulled out of class. Outside of that, I can’t think of too many things that can’t wait until the end of the day. </p>
<p>Gee, and they wonder why my generation is an “instant gratification” generation. I wonder where we possibly could’ve learned it from… </p>
<p>Found the policy that was in place while I was in high school. Apparently I misremembered, it was an out of school suspension, not in school. </p>
<p>(Ok, that’s weird, half of it got cut off). </p>
<p>"Updated student handbook:
Students may possess a cellular telephone or other electronic communication device (ECD) in school and at school related functions provided that during school hours and on school vehicles the cell phone or ECD is:</p>
<p>Students are prohibited from using a cell phone (ECD) or having it powered on upon arriving to campus.
Thus, cell phones are not to be turned on, seen, heard, or used in the school building or on campus until the dismissal bell at the end of the school day.</p>
<p>Students are not permitted to wear or display their cell phone (ECD). Devices must be kept in a backpack, locker, purse or pocket out of sight.</p>
<p>Cell phones (ECD’s) may not be on or otherwise used in the school locker rooms or restrooms in any school site or where a school activity or event is occurring. This includes the use of picture/video features available on some phones.</p>
<p>Cell phones (ECD’s) may not be used on school buses at any time.</p>
<p>Students in violation of the policy will have their cell phones confiscated and turned over to an administrator. The phone will be withheld a minimum of 24 hours and will NOT be returned until the end of the next school day. </p>
<p>Consequences: For observation or use of a cell phone or electronic device:
First offense for the observation or use of an electronic device including cell phone, would be a
one-day out-of school suspension.</p>
<p>Second and third offenses for the observation or use of an electronic device including cell phone, would be a 3-day out-of-school suspension and confiscation of the device."</p>
<p>Somehow, we all survived. A lot of stupid suspensions though. I wonder how many of the texts were from parents… </p>
<p>I don’t expect an immediate response, just a response when she sees the text. At our school, they are allowed to have phones out at lunch (and they do) … so it is reasonable for me to expect she might see a text from me at that point. If the policy was different, my expectations and use of texting would also be different.</p>
<p>Ok, you said that you would like her to acknowledge your text. She did that with the “ty”. Maybe that’s all she had time for. Maybe she’d rather tell you face to face about how she did (I know, a novel concept in the day of technology). Maybe I’m a dinosaur but I’m not <em>that</em> much older than your D and I prefer to tell my parents in voice about an accomplishment- whether that be face to face or, more likely, over the phone since we live several hours from each other. </p>
<p>What if she decides to work on a group project or something during lunch? </p>
<p>Sorry, I still expecting your child to respond to a text during school hours is unreasonable. Again, JMO</p>
<p>I never expected return texts when mine were in high school because the reception there was so bad they often didn’t get the text I sent. Many dead zones.</p>
<p>One of my kids is good at the playful texts back and forth. The other is not and gets angry pretty quickly. When I do text her, short and sweet and just the facts.</p>
<p>@romanigypsyeyes - I think we’re arguing over nothing here. I don’t send texts that require a response during school hours; just whenever they see it, which might be at lunch or after school. Emergency? No. Usually information she’d like to have. Do you nod acknowledgement when someone says something to you in person? Why? They’re right there. You obviously heard them, right? But you still nod. That’s all I’m talking about – the text equivalent of a nod.</p>
<p>Now, as for the “ty” vs. providing any information – knowing how this meet goes, I know she was sitting on the bus with her pals when she sent the text. She didn’t “not have time” – she just didn’t volunteer information. That’s just annoying. If she had chosen not to respond at all I would have been okay with that. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Communication styles like that are a matter of personality and personal taste. </p>
<p>IMO, someone who doesn’t volunteer information like that just means I need to ask more gently probing questions. No big deal IMO. </p>
<p>Incidentally, someone with her communication style would be considered an asset in several workplaces I’ve worked at due to their obsessive mandated confidentiality policies regarding discussing work matters. Sometimes this extends even to co-workers who work on a particular file when we’re not in the work area where we work on it. </p>
<p>When we’re out of that space even in the same office, we’re not allowed to discuss that particular work file on pain of being dismissed or in the case of licensed professionals, possibly losing their license. </p>
<p>Nohelicopter, it will get better! </p>
<p>When I went to see my son for the first time his freshman year, after six weeks apart, I was so excited. I arrived on campus early, explored by myself until he was free, then sat on a bench and waited for him at our agreed upon meeting spot. I spotted him in the distance, walking quickly and confidently across the campus, and I wanted to cry. He looked so happy and so good! </p>
<p>I didn’t cry. I fought the urge and just hugged him. He was full of energy and stories and it was a great visit, if too short. </p>
<p>He is in school pretty close by, so I can drop by for a concert or to buy a piece of furniture or an important item of clothing for him, but I still seldom do it. </p>
<p>ailinsh1 - I think you were probably more concerned how her foot was than how she did at the race, I know I would be. Your daughter may not have done as well as she wanted and didn’t really want to talk about it. My younger daughter is like that. Even in person, if she is not happy about something she’ll want to sit on it for a while before she would talk about it, whereas the older one would want to do a dump on me. I tend to tailor my interaction with my kids based on their personality.</p>
<p>I really do wish non-parents wouldn’t come on the parent forum and be so judgmental. I wouldn’t think of going on the college or high school cafe to tell those young posters that they are being silly/stupid to worry so much about what their friends think of them, focus so much on their bf/gf, flip out over a B…All of us (parents) are here to share our experiences and maybe to vent a bit without our kids knowing about it. Sometimes when my kids are in the presence of my friends, they will often keep their opinion to themselves if they are not appropriate. It happened this week when D2 had to go on few dinners with me and my old colleagues while we are traveling abroad. IMO.</p>