how do you make the big decision to leave a spouse?

Parent Cafe
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<p>After reading the “10 things to discuss before marriage” and the “my husband won’t discuss anything” threads, I’m motivated to share my situation. </p>

<p>I’ve been married close to 30 years and will have an empty nest come fall. I have never really been happily married. Of course we’ve had fun times and shared the joy of a kid’s pleasure or accomplishments and, yes, we do have a few shared interests but my relationship does not bring my joy. DH does not like to communicate much, is very competitive, is arrogant and it’s very important for him to be right…always. Thus, my relationship brings me almost no emotional satisfaction and I feel sad and alienated quite often.</p>

<p>He used to get very angry very easily but this is something he’s worked on over the years and, while he still does get very angry, it’s much better than it was. He’s never done anything that I would consider ‘crossing the line’ which, for me, means he’s never hit me or the kids, hasn’t had an affair, hasn’t been irresponsible with our money (i.e. gambling), etc.</p>

<p>Rather, every day I have to watch what I say so I don’t contradict anything he says, imply he could be wrong in any way, etc. or he gets angry. We never learned to communicate in an effective way so, unless I apologize, there’s no way to successfully end the conflict. I have actually tried to experiment with the way I respond or I confront something that’s bothering me using I messages, apologizing, etc. and virtually every time, unless I take 100% of the responsibility and/or apologize, the issue isn’t “resolved” and he’s angry and nasty.</p>

<p>Now that I’ll have an empty nest, I really can consider leaving with more freedom than I’ve felt in the past. Yet, as I have historically, I feel mired in indecision. He has been a good provider and has other positive attributes. How does one make such a decision? I was in therapy for about a year a few years ago and have now been in therapy again for the last year grappling with this. My therapist initially encouraged me to use communication techniques to empower myself but, honestly, the approach backfired and DH became more angry and alienated than ever. I decided I just had to make it though youngest’s graduation so I decided that I would walk away from every hurtful comment and, if confronted, I would apologize just to keep the peace. It’s been about 3 weeks and, while I hate it (I find it demoralizing and humiliating), there is much greater peace in the house. I also think it’s terrible modeling for my kids.</p>

<p>I have asked DH to go to counseling with me numerous times over the years and the answer has always been no and the last time he said it would be his ‘worst kind of hell’. Early on in our marriage, unhappy with our communication, I was reading Men are from Venus and Women are from Mars and he made fun of it; any kind of self-improvement from an outside source isn’t his thing.</p>

<p>So, if you decided to leave your spouse, how did you make the decision…if you’ve considered it but decided against it, how did you make your decision? I’m in my early 50s and, hopefully, have another 30 or so to go. It’s definitely scary to think about being on my own at this stage of my life but maybe there’s greater happiness out there for me. </p>

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<p>Have you sought counseling for yourself? How did that go?</p>

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<p>Ask yourself if your life would be better with him than without him.</p>

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<p>Over the years, I pondered leaving because of different reasons than you. I felt lonely and still do sometimes but struggled with the logistics of doing do. My husband was also very vocal in letting me know that my housekeeping wasn’t up to his standards. I was home with 2 young kids and super busy with them. However, as the kids got older my husband mellowed some. I think when they were able to help with chores he felt more " order ", in his world. In your case it sounds as though you are quite unhappy and feel more freedom now that the kids will be off to college. He just might mellow now that the kids are gone and communicate more civilly with you. However, I would let him know if he doesn’t communicate more respectfully you are thinking of a trial separation. You need time, as does, he to reevaluate your relationship and it’s importance to you both. You shouldn’t feel humiliated in your own home. Your happiness matters! Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>It sounds like this is a big dilemma for you, understandably. Communication isn’t easy when it is one sided and only one of you is working on it and trying to salvage the relationship. As much as I love my husband, I have to admit that I sometimes fantasize about living on my own for a less stressful , peaceful life. It isn’t because I have any desire for another man , but the day to day stress ( mostly because of having a business together ) makes me unhappy. I understand that whole security aspect of the marriage. I see the pressure of our life affecting our daughter and her resenting him for his working too much and not putting enough time in at home.
I hope you get some better responses than mine.</p>

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<p>OP, I sent you a private message.</p>

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<p>Sorry, I missed that you’ve already had counseling, my eyes don’t track well.</p>

<p>Eight years ago, I expected to be divorced by now.
My H was putting whatever nurturing he could give, to his best friend and fought with me alot.
I resolved to do what I could to make our house more salable after the divorce, so I began to fix up the yard.
I found I really enjoyed it and H started noticing me in a more positive manner than to argue.
I kept going, and began taking classes and also volunteering in the community more which gave me support.</p>

<p>It has been a 180 degree turn around, mostly because I resolved not to depend on him to fulfill all my emotional needs. Deep talks really arent in his DNA. As we reduced our arguments, he also became more attentive.
Unfortunately, his best friend also died 5 years ago, but I cant say that I am 100% sad, because before his friends death, H spent the bulk of his free time with him & as he lived a ways away it was cutting into what I considered as my time.</p>

<p>I stuck around because I still loved him, even though I knew it wasnt a very healthy relationship, but he is supportive of me doing what I need to do for myself and the thought of dating again is really too exhausting to consider.</p>

<p>Every case is different however.
You sound like you are at least ready for a seperation.</p>

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<p>I would consider a trial separation. Would he move out, or would you have to do so? Given what you have described, I think it would be a worthwhile experiment to move out for a few weeks and see what happens. Will you be happier on your own? Being in an unhappy marriage can be lonelier than actually being alone. Maybe moving out will give him some time to evaluate his own behavior and take your concerns more seriously. I have watched my parents, married for 52 years, live with a dynamic similar to what you have described, and it is not pretty. Different generation, but I wish my mother had taken some action at some point, rather than remaining married to someone who has to be right all the time and always belittles her. Get out while you can!</p>

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<p>Agree that a trial separation might be a good idea.
Also, keep in mind that just because your child is no longer living with you that it will not affect him or her. It will. If you decide to try a period of separation, be prepared to be the one who leaves. It is your idea, not his. Talk to your kids before you do it and explain that you have felt disrespected and been unhappy for a long time, also that you do not know what the outcome will be. It is possible that your not-so-DearH will also talk to the kids and totally blame you. They are probably used to him, but may be surprised–or not!-- that you have reached the end of your tolerance.
Best wishes during this difficult time.</p>

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<p>I was married for 15 years to a man I was never “in love” with. We didn’t have much in common, but all my friends were married and he seemed to adore me, so I caved in. We had only known each other about 8 months before we eloped. Stupid, I know, and I have regretted it since. I don’t know why I waited 15 years to tell him I wanted out; I guess mostly that I didn’t want to be a failure at marriage. Finally, on our 15th anniversary, I worked up the nerve to tell him I wasn’t in love with him. That was August. We lived together as strangers until February when he moved out. I don’t recommend that. The tension was almost unbearable. So, I was left with a 9-year-old and 6-year-old to raise. He never missed his weekend with them, so for the first time, I got a little break from parenting. I found out after the fact that he had cheated on me while we were married. It was tough, but I was/am so much happier. I never really dated and still am single, but that is the way I want it. I guess I am too independent.</p>

<p>The hardest part of it all was telling family and friends. They never knew we were having problems. I never bad-mouthed him to the kids, and we still spend kid’s birthdays and some holidays together. After the divorce was final, he immediately moved in with some bimbo :slight_smile: and then wanted to come back to me after about a year. I was so happy on my own that I said no. Sometimes I still have a nightmare where I have let him move back in and he won’t leave.</p>

<p>As for your decision, you are the only one who can make it. But you deserve to be happy.</p>

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<p>Consider the financial ramifications. They are significant.</p>

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<p>It seems going to therapy is the deal breaker. If he won’t go in order to save the marriage, then tell him that you have thought it all through, have sought therapy on your own and this is the bottom line. Go and at least try or it’s over. It’s a very brave thing but it’s like most matters of the heart…you will know when it’s done and there is no alternative. I’m sorry. </p>

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<p>I’m 23 so I’m mostly useless here but I’m gonna type some words anyway. Since you have similar interests maybe you’d still like to spend sometime together? Not a total separation kind of thing? Does he feel the same way as you you think? Since you two now have an empty nest your house is probably too big for you as well. Could you two sell your current house and live in 2 separate small condos or apartments or something? Get together sometimes on weekends? </p>

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<p>There’s so much change going on that part of me wants to say to just wait. See what the new normal holds. Maybe with ds gone, you’ll feel braver to say what you feel. I admit that I was afraid of what an empty nest would hold for dh and I, but it’s been better than I ever imagined.</p>

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<p>I would not consider a trial separation. “Trial” separations dramatically disrupt the relationship to the point where reconciliation is not going to happen. Your decision making will be different if you think something is a “trial” versus as permanent outcome. I am sure you can find someone who has had a trial separation and then resumed the marriage, but rarely does this occur. It is better to separate with the intention of the separation being permanent so that you can make decisions that are in your long term interest. I would also suggest you talk to a lawyer before separating so you can understand the legal consequences that follow a separation.</p>

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<p>I would wait and see how it goes after your youngest is out of the house. My parents were married for over 30 years before they divorced. My mom got out as soon as everyone had graduated from college and we all had a job. The divorce took my dad by surprise and my mom ended up taking a big financial hit. I honestly don’t think she is much happier without him. Also he mellowed out a lot after he retired. Perhaps your DH’s job has something to do with the way he acts? Does he have any idea that you are thinking about leaving him?</p>

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<p>OP, it sounds to me like you’ve already made the decision to leave.</p>

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<p>I’ve been divorced twice so and the decision making point for me, in each case, were based on the following:

  1. I realized I was losing my sense of self because of the relationship- it was basic survival (not necessarily physical survival, but emotional)
  2. I knew that I would rather be single forever than married to that person</p>
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<p>My H and I were seperated for 1 & 1/2 years. It was very difficult for me even though it was my choice, less so for him, because I was still at home with the kids, one who was very young and challenging.</p>

<p>I think a trial separation can be helpful, especially if unlike my experience, it gives you more time to think about what you really want.</p>