<p>Build a bridge starting now to your future, the life you want from the things you can do yourself. Lock up a financial plan doing this. If the marriage falls away while your better life emerges, then so be it. Slow and steady.</p>
<p>Get private financial counseling before you announce your intention to your husband. </p>
<p>Definitely get private financial counseling BEFORE making any decisions or discussing them with H or anyone else. </p>
<p><<<
He used to get very angry very easily but this is something he’s worked on over the years and, while he still does get very angry, it’s much better than it was. He’s never done anything that I would consider ‘crossing the line’ which, for me, means he’s never hit me or the kids, hasn’t had an affair, hasn’t been irresponsible with our money (i.e. gambling), etc.</p>
<p>Rather, every day I have to watch what I say so I don’t contradict anything he says, imply he could be wrong in any way, etc. or he gets angry. We never learned to communicate in an effective way so, unless I apologize, there’s no way to successfully end the conflict. I have actually tried to experiment with the way I respond or I confront something that’s bothering me using I messages, apologizing, etc. and virtually every time, unless I take 100% of the responsibility and/or apologize, the issue isn’t “resolved” and he’s angry and nasty.</p>
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<p>The above describes my FIL. everyone walked on eggshells around him. I strongly suspect that he had a Personality Disorder, maybe Borderline PD.</p>
<p>If you can afford to leave (what about retirement), and can afford the cost of divorce ( a lot), then leave. however, be aware that someone who gets very angry, blames others, etc, can become VERY spiteful and vindictive during a separation or divorce. does he have any means to screw you financially? </p>
<p>maybe a separation might help get him into therapy if he would be opposed to divorce.</p>
<p>what do you think his reaction would be? indifference at first, but then regret? anger? </p>
<p>Sorry to paraphrase something Dr.Phil says. But it is “do you want to me miserable for 30 years or do you want to be miserable for 30 years and 1 day?” It doesn’t seem like he is willing to change or try to make the changes. You cannot do anything to “fix” things. IMO, move on and be happy.</p>
<p>I think the fear of the unknown holds people back from making changes. It might be worthwhile for you to go see an attorney for one session about your rights in a separation or divorce in your state.Pay cash and get a receipt at the office. Having some concrete answers will take some of the unknowns away.</p>
<p>In addition get a handle on your finances if you don’t have one now. How much comes in and how much goes out. All accounts and account numbers.</p>
<p>As you move forward you may find yourself feeling more excited or maybe feeling more apprehensive. I think this will help you gauge your desire to leave.</p>
<p>The nice thing is there is no crisis causing you to flee immediately. </p>
<p>Imagine yourself single. What are the things you would like to do if you were alone. Join a book club at the library? Take a class at adult CC? Go ahead and do that now, for yourself. Start to get reconnected to the world a little bit at a time.</p>
<p>If your husband asks why the change just tell him you are unhappy and sad in general and trying to find a way to make yourself happier and leave it at that. You don’t have to get into a big discussion or tell him anything else about it. Do not make this about him. If he objects to these small changes then you have an eve bigger problem and you can discuss that in your counseling</p>
<p>Do you have some girlfriends that you spend time with? Put together a girls night out once a month, watch a chick fiic or go on an outing. If you don’t have a group do you have one friend that may want to go out? Set something up.</p>
<p>Start trying to live a life outside your house that would make you look forward to something. This is a great start.</p>
<p>As you move forward doing things to make yourself happy you can get a better handle on deciding to leave.</p>
<p>Do realize though that when one person changes in a relationship the other person will react to those changes. If your spouse feels threatened by your new interests he will try to recover the status quo and this is where you must continue doing things to make you happy and not letting him make you stop by his increased mean behavior. Again something to discuss in counseling.</p>
<p>So take charge of your life, for you, and the chips will fall into place as you move forward. </p>
<p>I am sorry you are so sad. It can be better. You can be happy. There is no need to live your one life on earth trying to please a person who has no understanding of how badly he is hurting you. </p>
<p>Be your own advocate, be your own champion, you deserve to be happy.You do.</p>
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I would strongly advise against that. I would just tell your kids that you have been unhappy, there is no need to go into detail.</p>
<p>I thought about if I would share my own story here because it is very personal, but I decided to because we should be able to share good, as well as bad, on this forum.</p>
<p>I just recently filed for divorce few weeks ago. The decision to separate to filing for divorce only took few months. Like OP, there was nothing practically wrong with our relationship - no cheating, no abuse, no financial problem. We were very much in love for 25+ years, but in the last 5 we just grew apart with different interests, and we had less patience for each other. I think one of the biggest contributing factor is I was the major bread earner, and at times I could be tense or “angry” when things didn’t go well at work. We did go to therapy for a while, but it only exposed our differences. Our biggest commonality was our love for our girls.</p>
<p>In the last few years I have thought about divorce and probably mentioned it a few times during some heated argument, but at the end it was my ex who was very adamant about the divorce. I tried numerous times to ask him to reconsider. My parents went through a very difficult period from late 40s to mid 50s. Once my dad stopped working, they fell back in love again. So I can’t help with “how did you reach the decision” because it was my ex who reached that point.</p>
<p>Financially - we reached the agreement before we went to a lawyer. We didn’t disagree on too many points because both of us didn’t want to waste too much money on the legal fee, and we didn’t want it to affect our girls. Not going to lie, financially this has a big impact on both of us. I lost half of my assets, which will not be easy to recoup in the next 10 years.</p>
<p>Impact on family & friends…My family (especially my mother) is very upset about the whole situation. They have known my ex for 30+ years. My mother said it was as if someone had died in her family. He will no longer be included in any of my family’s gathering. Ex-H and I didn’t have separate friends, we always socialized together, so now our friends feel they need to take sides (not who is right or wrong), but who they are going to continue to socialize with.</p>
<p>The biggest impact has to be on our girls. They were used to celebrating every special milestone with both us. In the last few months, they’ve had to see us separately for birthdays, father/mother’s day. They have dinners with us separately. They were used to talking to me only and expected me to keep their dad informed. One thing I am doing is to encourage the girls to spend as much time as they want with their dad, and I DO NOT bad mouth him or discuss our past relationship. They were very sad when they first heard, but they are doing better. It will be hard around the holiday time.</p>
<p>This is still too new for me to say being single is better or worse. But I will say, I feel calmer and more at peace. Toward the end of our relationship, I would wake up early in the morning and not able to fall back asleep. Like OP, I also had to watch what I said at home. My home stopped being a safe/relaxing place for me. I do wonder if we couldn’t have ridden it out like my parents did, and spent our old age together.</p>
<p>I would suggest for OP:
- continue to work with your therapist
- try to have a separate life from your H, to see how you like it. You may find by having a separate life, you guys may even get along better.
- consult a lawyer about what you would be entitled to
- once you know how much you’ll be able to get, consult a financial advisor to see if it will be enough for you to live on for 30+ years. If not, re-think or see if you could get a job (assuming you are not working already). You don’t want to be your kids’ burden someday.<br>
- think very hard about the impact on everyone, not just you, to make sure it will be worth your while.
- if you should decide to get a divorce, do it amicably, because you will see your ex again at your kids’ weddings, birth of grandchildren and other holidays.</p>
<p>Unless I’ve miscounted, only four of the many responses you’ve received have focused on the most significant aspect of any decision you make: your financial well-being!</p>
<p>If you decide to leave, heck, even if you’re just thinking about leaving, you need to protect yourself financially. This means:</p>
<p>(1) Make a list of each and every family asset - checking and savings accounts, investment accounts, retirement accounts, real property, high value personal property (artwork, collectibles, vehicles).</p>
<p>(2) Make a list of all debts - mortgages, car payments, credit card debts, tuition payments, and anything else you can think of!</p>
<p>(3) Get access to all tax returns (and supporting documents) going back at least 10 years.</p>
<p>(4) Make copies of EVERYTHING - all tax returns, all bank, retirement & investment account statements, all property tex statements, all receipts for the purchases of high end personal possessions . . . anything and everything that documents your family income, assets, and debts.</p>
<p>(5) As you accumulate the copies you need, store them in a safe place OUTSIDE your home. You can start with a safe deposit box, but, in the end, a small storage space would probably be better. Do not entrust these documents to a friend or relative unless you are absolutely certain that this person would not, under any circumstances, reveal their existence to your husband.</p>
<p>This is not an overnight process. It could take weeks or months (or longer!) to find and copy all these documents without your husband knowing what you’re doing. So, whatever you decide, it’s not going to happen from one day to the next. And you can start taking the above steps before you make a decision. So long as you are not in any physical danger, there’s no rush . . . and having the financial records you need could have a profound impact on the quality of the next 30 years of your life!</p>
<p>Finally, at some point during this process, you need to find an attorney whom you trust and feel comfortable with. Feel free to interview several. Most offer free initial consultations - take advantage of that. Consult and evaluate; and repeat that process as many times as you need to in order to find someone you think you’d be comfortable working with.</p>
<p>Once you find an attorney you trust, come up with a plan to separate your finances before you separate from your husband.</p>
<p>And once all of the above is completed, you can make a decision. And if you decide to stay in the marriage, that’s fine. Keep the safety deposit box or the storage unit . . . just in case, at some point down the road, you change your mind. And do remember that it’s your decision - not ours, not your kids’, not your friends’, and not the attorney’s. If you want to stay, you can, and if you decide to leave, you’ll have a plan in place that will allow you to do that safely.</p>
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<p>Sorry to hear that you are going thru this Oldfort.</p>
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<p>I know that you say that there has been no cheating, but the above is a red flag. You’re the main breadwinner, and for guy to insist on a divorce in such a case suggests he’s not been faithful. I would look into that because that may change things, depending on your state. In my state, the guy could end up with just his socks.</p>
<p>the kids, unless they are completely clueless, not only would they already know why their mom would file, but probably wonder why she has put up with him for so long. in these cases, the whole family likely has had dance around his moods, anger, his demands for undeserved apologies, etc.</p>
<p>If divorce isnt the answer due to financial (and retirement) devastation, then I think the advice above to make lots of social connections outside (girlfriends, clubs, etc) to spend a good amount of time away. In the end, that could be a good thing because he may be nicer if he sees less of you…you wont be a target for his moods/anger/what-have-you. </p>
<p>If the finances can we worked out and the divorce can be worked through without animus do not be surprised if both of you look back and see that the divorce was best for both of you.</p>
<p>Both oldfort and dodgersmom are spot-on – oldfort especially with the “don’t badmouth the spouse” and dodgersmom for the necessity of gathering all the financial info in a safe spot away from home. Best of wishes to you, OP. </p>
<p>Oldfort, I am sincerely sorry you are going through this. Like your parents, my folks were much happier in retirement. </p>
<p>@oldfort - I’m very sorry to read your news. I hope you can find happiness moving forward. </p>
<p>OP- saying that your situation is common at this stage of life certainly doesn’t minimize it’s stress and effect. I truly hear what your saying. I’ll be following all the advise you receive. Hugs. </p>
<p>I agree with the above excellent advice to never bad mouth the spouse to the kids. Regardless of your own feelings, this spouse will always be the parent to those children…always. </p>
<p>@oldfort I have a feeling you will find some great future adventures, but I’m sorry it is difficult now.</p>
<p>OP I think at this stage of life we all re-evaluate our marriages and our life just, in general. My H and I moved across country, changed jobs, what we do/who we see/ almost everything… We are still together, but this marriage looks nothing like it did even a year ago.</p>
<p>Maybe you can just pursue your own life for now, find what you want for you, do what @dodgersmom suggested, in the meantime, and figure out where you are with you and then, after that, with him.</p>
<p>Either way, Good luck!</p>
<p>Dodgersmom’s advice to take care of finances is spot on. </p>
<p>I’d add-
If you do not have a credit card in your name, open one now. I do not mean simply a credit card with your name on the front but with your husband as the primary account holder. I’m talking about having a credit card account he couldn’t cancel with a call to the issuer.</p>
<p>Build up a cash emergency fund to be used if things got really ugly. You’d want enough money to survive outside your home for a couple of weeks until things could be sorted out legally.</p>
<p>If you’re unemployed or underemployed start doing what you can to make yourself more employable. Take a course in computers or accounting or get a part-time job at a place that typically hires full-time people from within. The departure of your last child for college and the additional free time it will leave you is a perfect pretext for this.</p>
<p>Consider you child’s schooling in the equation. Would your H ever use your child’s tuition as a way to control the situation, i.e., threatening not to pay in order to punish you? I know a family to whom this happened. It was a private secondary school, but the idea was the same. Dad got angry and refused to pay, forcing the child to change schools.</p>
<p>It may feel sneaky to be gathering financial information at this point, but think of it as simply being proactive. If you proceed with a separation or divorce you’ll have to gather it for the lawyers anyway. I’ve seen more than one couple where at first it looked like the split would be friendly, then things went from amicable to adversarial in a flash. In one case the husband was able to hide the bulk of his assets and the wife, not having done the financial digging up front, couldn’t track them down, even with the help of a lawyer. The couple later got back together and the husband admitted to having hidden funds from her.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
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Even if there was cheating, I think it would be the result of our relationship, not the cause. What good would it be for my kids’ father to end up with just his socks? It would cause great pain to the girls.</p>
<p>OP, you need to consider your financial well being. Your quality of life will drastically change with a divorce. Only you know whether that change in lifestyle will be worth it.</p>
<p>What about retirement?</p>
<p>What about healthcare?</p>
<p>Not a lot of advice, but must say I’m touched by some the personal stories shared here and how though difficult many of you have persevered through the process. </p>
<p>OP, what if you take steps to live your life so you do not need to walk on eggshells around him??? Changing your ways to a way that is truly you may show you if your marriage is worth saving or not. </p>
<p>@Sue22 - Excellent, excellent, excellent advice, every bit of it!</p>