<p>Good luck to you, OP. It makes me especially sad to hear of long married couples who split. Seems like this should be the easy time, the gravy train time, now that you have made some money and raised your kids. I absolutely agree to protect yourself financially. </p>
<p>Good luck to you both OP and OF - it is such a different time of life as the nest empties. No advice but much support as you move through reevaluating things however it comes out. </p>
<p>I am supporting a very good friend through a very similar situation. She has decided to leave as she feels she and her husband are “bringing out the worst in each other” on a daily basis. She doesn’t “like who she is” when she is with him. It is a difficult decision as her life style will most likely change drastically but she says she can adjust. I think she will do fine as she is one of the most optimistic people I know. </p>
<p>I do hope you find the right answer for your specific situation. It took my friend a long time but my instincts tell me she made the right decision for her.</p>
<p>Dear Hardtoknow-- I posted here for years but lapsed when D went to college…friends told me to look at this thread because I have just left a marriage much like the one you describe. And I only wish I had done it sooner-- I knew there was not much to get out of it but I needed the security, wanted a whole family for my D etc. I was always rededicating myself to it, trying to be understanding, yada yada…and then, when H was 75 (I’m a lot younger but not as young as you) —boom he fell in love with someone else and here I am out on my own. And guess what-- I’m grateful it happened. My life is better-- scarier, but better in so many ways. So, I’d say-- yes, time to move on. It’s sad, but it’s not the end of the world, and there is joy ahead for you, new adventures, a life on your own terms, love if you want it, everything. All the best to you-- it’s not easy!!</p>
<p>I am so sorry, OP, Oldforte and any others in situations like this. No advice to give. I’ve seen this with many friends, family members, acquaintances, community. Sometimes, those involved say it was was the best way to go. For others, the situations worsened. No way to tell. </p>
<p>My cousin is so very upset these days after a divorce she wanted because of a dead marriage. I think things were okay, until her ex remarried and now has a second family His parents passed in the last few years, and their assets went to him and will now all go to the new family. I don’t think this was something she had expected, and just the appearance of new chlldren has tightened things for the her children as the Ex now has current expenses and experiences to fund. </p>
<p>I don’t have any advice but wanted to wish both the OP and Oldfort better times ahead. </p>
<p>This article was in today’s NYT and this thread seems like a good place to post it. </p>
<p><a href=“Retirement Plans Thrown Into Disarray by a Divorce - The New York Times”>Retirement Plans Thrown Into Disarray by a Divorce - The New York Times;
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Even if there was cheating, I think it would be the result of our relationship, not the cause. What good would it be for my kids’ father to end up with just his socks? It would cause great pain to the girls.</p>
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<p>lol…I wasnt suggesting that he be left with only is socks. The issue would be if he as siphoned off any community property earnings/assets towards a third party, I would want to know the extent and if a correction was in order.</p>
<p>Yes to every single word about assessing the impact of the divorce on the full financial picture: retirement funds, health insurance payments, division of assets, and yes, college tuition payments! Do not take anything for granted if the guy says he will take care of this and that - it all will have to be spelled out in a formal, enforceable agreement. Do not leave any assets on the table - get your fair share that you are entitled to by the law.</p>
<p>Oldfort, I’m so sorry to hear that you have gone through this. All the best to you during this emotional turmoil. Hugs. You are a very caring person. </p>
<p>OP & Old Fort and everyone facing these challenges, best wishes for happier days ahead. I agree that planning and getting financial info is very important to protect yourself. Have seen sad and messy divorces. Often the women I know emerged happier once things settled, even though there were some financial challenges along the way. I generally didn’t keep in touch with the husbands.</p>
<p>" His parents passed in the last few years, and their assets went to him and will now all go to the new family."</p>
<p>My mom divorced my dad when they were in their 50’s . About 5 years later Dad met someone and got married to a divorced lady with a son. My Grandma(Dad’s mom) put all her property into a trust so that when she died everything went to her Grand kids. She said she needed to make sure what she had went to who she wanted it to…She was afraid if she gave it to Dad then we would end up nothing.</p>
<p>Inheritance is not marital property, whether it is inherited during or before marriage. Of course, if you co-mingle it after you inherit it than it would be hard to separate it out during divorce. So, if you should inherit something, try to keep it separate with paper trail. Even though divorce laws are different for each state, the inheritance is governed by federal (courtesy of my sister, a lawyer).</p>
<p>If all inheritance went to grandkids, what is it to say it wouldn’t go to grandkids’ wifes. I don’t quite get that.</p>
<p>^^It could, but it couldn’t go to children’s new wives and not one’s own grandkids.</p>
<p>Oldfort, and OP, sympathies on divorce at this point in life. It is a rough, rough road, in my long ago experience. </p>
<p>Inheritance is not marital property. However, I lost a small inheritance in the divorce, as it went to my kids college fund, which he managed. It was co mingled with his money, in time, and he refused to give a dollar value when it came time for college. Many folks spend inheritance monies on things to benefit the family, such as home improvement and the college funds. </p>
<p>Even if it goes to benefit partners of the grandkids, it enhances general prosperity of the bloodline. My parents are divorced, and I have no clue whether I’ll ever see any of my dad’s money. He passed away 10 years ago, and my step mom can do what she likes with the money. Given what she put up with, she deserves it, however the money flow certainly is different than with an intact family. </p>
<p>My kid’s dad just remarried, and given his health issues, I’d expect him to predecease her. Again, who knows what will happen to his assets, and whether my kids will see any benefit. </p>
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<p>Oldfort, for the reasons you stated in your first paragraph of that same post, the grandkids certainly can be encouraged to not co-mingle the inheritance. As can the kids themselves… but no one has to take that advice, of course.</p>
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<p>If trusts are earmarked for the grandkids, so long as they are created/maintained as such BEFORE MARRIAGE and not co-mingled with other marital property, the assets within that trust remain the sole property of the grandkids themselves…not marital property with their spouse. </p>
<p>That’s one of the benefits of putting one’s assets in a trust BEFORE marriage and why some folks with reasonably large financial assets or their parents put them in a trust prior to the marriage. It’s similar to the way prenups are used…as a preventative measure against too much loss of one’s financial assets in case of divorce. </p>
<p>Often, the big decision to leave a spouse is made, when it’s just intolerable to stay for whatever reason. Some never reach that point despite serious problems. It comes down to individual tolerance at some point.</p>
<p>My closest friend left her husband because it made her physically ill, migraines, hives, pains, stomach and GI issues as well as the mental stress being around him for any number of reasons. She aged 10 years in the two before she left. </p>
<p>Thank you for all the responses. Perhaps I shouldn’t have posted right before a weekend when I would have a full house and, thus, little privacy!</p>
<p>First, MaineLonghorn, my apologies. I did not know about the policy as I have seen a few others create a second log in for the purpose of privacy. My kids have been on CC and I would not have been able to post otherwise. Thank you as it appears this thread will be able to stay up.</p>
<p>Second, oldfort, thank you for sharing your story and I’m very sorry you’ve gone through such a challenging time. I applaud you and your ex for being able to keep things amiable and hope that you continue to feel calmer and more at peace.</p>
<p>As to the financial issues. I did meet with a financial professional to assess our situation which, if we’re together, seems quite positive. Even after the meeting, it was difficult for me to know if I would need to go back to work if we needed to support two households. As no one around here knows about my situation, and Dh would be livid if I consulted a professional (because he considers himself an expert), I feel like I can’t ask friends for references. I tried the top person on yelp but it was less than satisfactory. Thus, while I know I’d be okay for quite some time, I’m not sure whether I’d be fine forever. I do have access to all of our financial information. I do work on occasion in an ‘as needed’ capacity. My hours are few and it’s not clear whether more would be available to me. And, while it’d be pricey, I am glad the affordable heath care act is around.</p>
<p>I also met with a mediator but I think I need to try an attorney. Again, I only have yelp to go on as I can’t ask friends for references. I do think there are financial and, perhaps, other practical matters that I should be thinking about but am not quite sure what they are and the mediator didn’t help in that regard. I’m doubtful whether dh would agree to mediation but I would certainly try. And, with regard to friends, I feel lucky that I do have a wonderful circle of friends with whom I connect. As this is such a personal issue, and, if we stay together, I wouldn’t want ‘everyone’ to know, I have only shared this issue with one friend. Still, I am not lonely outside of my home; only lonely within it.</p>
<p>So many people have made such wonderful suggestions so I’m sorry to just reference a few but Sue22, I am trying to figure out how I can be (more) employable, regardless of what I elect to do. That empty nest looms and, I really would like to feel productive. I do have credit in my own name but it occurred to me that I should check my credit score. I know “we” have excellent credit but I’ve never checked independently. I have already put some cash aside. Not sure it’s enough but I’m working on it. One question for an attorney would be: if everything we have is in a trust, can just one spouse take things out of the trust or does it need to be both. If both, I’m covered.</p>
<p>RosaRugosa, so glad to hear you’re happier. You are an inspiration!</p>
<p>Goldenwillow, thanks for sharing and hugs to you!</p>
<p>HarvestMoon, I’m sorry about your friend but do feel like our situations are somewhat similar. Thanks for sharing.</p>
<p>Emilybee, thank you for the link. Scary indeed. </p>
<p>Oh, and, I’m not sure about a trial separation…I just see ugliness and more ugliness. Still, will give it more thought.</p>
<p>Again, thank you for all the comments. Monday I’ll tackle checking my credit score and try to identify a good attorney…if anyone has suggestions for the latter without asking friends for references, please let me know.</p>
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<p>Who’s name is listed as the trustees/beneficiaries? </p>
<p>What were the terms of the trust in terms of withdrawals? </p>
<p>Attorneys here can chime in with more specific questions.</p>
<p>dh and I are listed as trustees and, if one of us passes, the other is the beneficiary. Trust was made years ago and we were just told ‘everything’ should be in the trust and it is…we didn’t discuss withdrawals, if a withdrawal is taking something (i.e. a brokerage account, a piece of property) out of the trust. We both have access to funds in the accounts. Actually, this may not be the case for a specific retirement account (or two) either of us have from one of our prior jobs. We haven’t reached the age where we could/would take from those accounts. I do know that we are one another’s beneficiaries for these types of retirement accounts.</p>
<p>Of course, you already know that you need to contact an attorney in your own state. Many attorneys offer a free or a minimal fee initial consultation, and you can quickly rule out the ones with the “wrong chemistry”. </p>