<p>You need a lawyer who is familiar with your own state law. As far as the trust, it really depends on how it was set up. As long as there is no, “In the event of divorce…” then it will continue to function as it originally stated. I would get a copy of the trust to share with your lawyer. But aside from the trust, there is also your H’s future earnings and retirement accounts. Just saw your posting…you are automatically your H’s beneficiary on all of his retirement accounts. He can’t change it without your consent.</p>
<p>One thing I will caution you is not to get talked into hiring a detective or accountant to find undisclosed assets unless you think there is a real need. I know someone who spent over 100K in doing that when her H’s earning was all on W2.</p>
<p>To answer your question OP, I knew when I realized my plan for a happy life was to maybe have 10 good years after (hopefully) outliving him. How sad is that? That, and my oldest going into therapy meant we had to get really honest about what was going on at home. Once that happened there was no going back.</p>
<p>You may not need to say why you’re asking for a referral-- do you know anyone who’s been through a divorce? You can just ask if they thought their lawyer did a good job… I would definitely find a good lawyer and go through it all with him/her. Say you’re looking for a divorce lawyer ‘for a friend’… Then you will have the information you need to go forward. I’ve had several friends who used a mediator for a divorce and were not at all happy with the results, so I’d be careful about that…and definitely start by getting the legal information you need.</p>
<p>Good advice. My friend used me to ask for referrals. It felt kind of weird but I found a lawyer who was very good and also knew how to deal with complex financial situations involving stock and options, but her services were not used - the friend eventually reconciled and did not divorce, but very few such stories have a happy ending.</p>
<p>Hardtoknow…Oldfort probably knows more than I know about beneficiaries for retirement accounts, but when I set mine up, I could name anyone as beneficiary. My husband is mine on my main accounts, but each of my kids is a beneficiary on other accounts. Perhaps that is not allowed in other states.</p>
<p>My pension was another whole story. If my husband wasn’t named beneficiary, he had to sign that he agreed to whomever was named.</p>
<p>I would check your state law on that.</p>
<p>Re: money in trust…a lot depends on how the trust was set up. Some can be easily dissolved, and others are not easy to dissolve. Consult the lawyers who drew up the trust. They will know the provisions of the trust. </p>
<p>Thumper1 - If you are married, you can’t change the beneficiary for your retirement accounts from your spouse to someone else without your spouse’s consent. It is not the case for any other accounts.</p>
<p>Thumper, how long ago did you set those accounts? I recall that more than 10 or so years ago we did not need to get spousal permission, but when just recently Mr B added kids as contingent beneficiaries, he had to get my signature. </p>
<p>When I worked with pensions, the beneficiaries of those married had to be the spouse unless the spouse signed off or there was some court document permitting the waiver. You could not legally cut out the spouse. The same as ones will. However, once divorced, that’s a whole other story. Especially when there is remarriage. it can get tricky. There are some legal guidelines. </p>
<p>Despite any number of laws out there to protect spouses, there can be nasty surprises. Some not even intentional but any settlement should have the language in it that if future discoveries come up with assets that were around at the time of the split but not addressed, because they were overlooked,would be reallocated as they should have been. Otherwise, even things that were just overlooked could be lost. </p>
<p>@hardtoknow – what is the current source of money for your day-to-day living expenses. If you are talking about a revocable trust created for purposes of avoiding probate – those are generally set up so that the actual assets are very liquid. Unless there are very clear restrictions on the accounts within the trust, it is likely that either you or your husband can withdraw or transfer funds at will. If there is a checking account in the trust and if you can write a check for $10 or withdraw $20 from an ATM without your husband’s counter-signature – it’s likely that you or he could just as easily take out $10,000. </p>
<p>If the trust does have very stringent restrictions… how are you planning to pay for basics such as rent and food after you separate? I’m a little concerned about the statement, " if we needed to support two households." Post-divorce there is no “we” – you are on your own and it doesn’t sound like your ex is likely to be particularly supportive and accommodating. If he is angry and vindictive, then he’s likely to try to restrict your access to money… You might “win” in the end in court --but it could be months or even years before all of that is resolved. </p>
<p>Post-divorce you are going to need to have assets held in your own name (or an individual trust you set up for yourself) – not the shared family trust. </p>
<p>Keep in mind that if your kids are over 18, your husband won’t have to pay child support in most states. He may also be legally pretty much off the hook for college costs. If you are capable of working, depending on your state laws and other particular circumstances, don’t count on alimony or spousal support. </p>
<p>Don’t do anything until you’ve talked with a lawyer-- and if there are a lot of assets involved, then it is worth your while to pay for a consultation with a well-respected specialist, so you can get reliable advice as to how to protect yourself. </p>
<p>Unless you are extremely well off financially, your first step might be to find a job. It won’t be what “we” need to support-- ti will be you supporting yourself – and him taking care of his own needs. If you find that prospect intimidating, you might want to think twice about divorce – maybe the best course of action will be to get legal advice as to how to protect yourself for the long term, but prioritize carving out an independent life for yourself first. </p>
<p>One aspect of this apropos to CC. is the possible impact of divorce on children who are college students. Many students whose parents divorce when there is a new empty nest, do not do well emotionally and their academics tank. They get depressed, skip class and assignments, travel back home or to other family members, and within two semesters, can be dismissed for failing. Just be aware of this possibility and prepare for it too. Consider purchasing tuition insurance annually, if each of your kids don’t already have it. Perhaps quietly ensure each kid has a strong support network and even a therapist. </p>
<p>One site I like for putting all those vital records together is <a href=“http://getyourshittogether.org/”>About Chanel and GYST - Get Your ■■■■ Together, even though it’s geared toward — I guess I’d call it — estate planning rather than divorce. Those copies of documents mentioned in comments above ^ can be scanned and saved to the web, as safety deposit boxes might be too small and pricey. </p>
<p>BTW and FWIW, for many years, my marriage mantra has been “It’s either too good to leave, or too bad to stay. But not both.”</p>
<p>“Don’t do anything until you’ve talked with a lawyer-- and if there are a lot of assets involved, then it is worth your while to pay for a consultation with a well-respected specialist, so you can get reliable advice as to how to protect yourself.”</p>
<p>Best advice. ^ ^ ^ </p>
<p>Everyone’s situation is different and the only advice you should listen to is that of a divorce attorney who knows all the specifics. For instance, my sister was told by her attorney not to be the one to leave the house, not to get a job, and to make no lifestyle changes whatsoever and keep living in the manor she had become accustomed. I’m sure conventional wisdom would have been the exact opposite. Her divorce took 5 very long years but the advice her attorney gave her, for her particular situation, was spot on. Only an attorney who knows the all details should be advising you. </p>
<p>I will say that different divorce attorneys can give different advice. The first attorney I talked to when considering divorce was a nattering nabob of negativity… he made it sound like I could lose custody of my kids and would be left destitute. The truth was far from that (accomplished with a different attorney that someone else had recommended). I am not saying to shop for the answer you want to hear, but more than one opinion can be useful.</p>
<p>Thumper, it was not a change of primary beneficiary, just a simple addition of someone contingent - in case we both perish in a plane crash or something like that. I remember seeing the verbiage about the need for consent from spouse when I was signing paperwork for my most recent 401(k) - if I was picking anyone other than Mr B. Ok, it is not a recent thing, apparently - it goes back to 1984 per my googling. You are right, you could name anyone, but the spouse has to give his/her consent in all cases, apparently. </p>
<p>@oldfort. It was nice of you to share your situation with the OP in hopes of giving her some very real heart felt advice. Although difficult and uneasy now your new direction will certainly settle into what is ultimately right for you and your loved ones. I hope there are more hills than valleys ( ups vs downs) on your path forward.</p>
<p>OP, the situation you describe with your husband has been going on for some time. It has always been unacceptable behaviour. Although it is difficult, I think it helps to know this is not a midlife, hormonal, crisis that you are reacting to. This is real, this is and has been your relationship and,yes, it really must change for you to be happy.</p>
<p>Some great advice on this thread by some very caring and intelligent people. Taken all together a good blueprint for you to start with.</p>
<p>In your opening post you describe your husbands behavior escalating when you tried to change things. That’s a clear indication your attempt was noticed. He immediately escalated to shut you down. Classic and expected behavior. To break his pattern you need to continue your new behavior until he knows his temper tantrum is ineffective. Not for the faint of heart…and can get ugly. I think your conclusion it wasn’t working was premature.</p>
<p>Just remember, as you change, the unconscious desire of those around you will be to get things back to normal. You have to push through their attempts to get you back to “their” normal. Their frustration, anger, and sadness should subside as they get used to the “new” normal. But not always.</p>
<p>I do believe that living in a tense and stressful environment will shorten your life and destroy your health. We will be pulling for you as you decide to move forward towards a better life for you and your family.</p>
<p>“Are you better off with him or without him”
I have heard this before but how does one know how one would be without him until they are there?</p>
<p>Re arrogance and needing to be right: my dad and mother in law were/are like this. To disagree with them in their mind means you are saying you think they are stupid.</p>
<p>Some people struggle with making decisions because they fear making the ‘wrong’ decision and thinking that others will think them stupid. He might not want to weigh in on a vet because what if the vet turns out to be a bad one it will get blamed on him and people will think less of him.</p>
<p>People who need to be ‘perfect’ are under a lot of stress and they don’t like their actions questioned. They are also very hard to live with and very hard for them to change their ingrained attitude.</p>
<p>I suspect he will blame you for all of the troubles if you decide to divorce. In the dark times, remember that his behavior is out of your control, only your reaction to his behavior is in your control.</p>