Have to admit, how much do we hear about “bad” or “good” father in laws…BUT the spring cleaning/mother in law thread got me thinking…
How do we all rate as MIL/FIL’s???
Many of us have had less then stellar personal experiences with our own in-laws. Some have wonder relationships.
How do your kids/in-law kids see YOU in the role? What would they say are your pros/cons???
I’m a MIL to one DIL. I think we get along very well. She includes me on funny Snapchats of her or my son. Not all of them I’m sure and that’s fine! We can be alone in a room or car and talk pretty easily together. Her H - my son, have a very good relationship and he reaches out to me often. Is she ok with that? - I hope so, she does often say to me “is this something as I wife I should learn/do?” - kind of jokingly, kind of not - so I think she values my opinion.
She is very close to my H, her FIL - he has an almost non-existent relationship with her own dad who pretty much dumped the family. And we tease my H that he is more comfortable with DIL than us sometimes! (will call her up with garage sale finds).
I’m going to give myself an “8” out of 10 in MIL performance. Always room for improvement, right?
Bad in-laws don’t usually acknowledge that they are bad in-laws. They will say that they don’t like their DIL or SIL, or will focus on the DIL’s and SIL’s shortcomings. They will insist that the in-law was wrong for their child, that their child could have “done better.” If their child stands behind his/her spouse, the MIL/FIL will assert that the DIL or SIL has turned their child against them.
So I’m not expecting anyone to come here and say they are awful, even though the odds are that some of them are. I remember reading a time or two on CC comments that their child isn’t even dating anyone seriously yet, but they already know they won’t like them!
Neither of my kids are married, but I want to be a good MIL. I don’t want to be the horror story written about on some future web site. I imagine that being a good MIL involves not only trying to be as nice and considerate as possible, but a good amount of biting one’s tongue as well. Crossing fingers.
“They will say that they don’t like their DIL or SIL, or will focus on the DIL’s and SIL’s shortcomings. They will insist that the in-law was wrong for their child, that their child could have “done better.” If their child stands behind his/her spouse, the MIL/FIL will assert that the DIL or SIL has turned their child against them.”
@Nrdsb4 Have you been eavesdropping on my in-laws?
I have a piss poor relationship with my in-laws. I have promised myself that I will not be that type of in-laws to my own kids’ partners. Neither is married, or ready to be yet, but each relationship they are in, I treat it as a potential life mate just in case, and have worked hard to be friendly, welcoming, inclusive, and supportive to every significant other. You never know who might be “the one”.
This is a timely thread. My son is getting married next month and I will be a fairly young MIL. I have a non existent relationship with my inlaws so I hope to have a better one with her. They have been dating since 10th grade so I feel like we know each other pretty well.
My MIL has been a wonderful in-law for the most part. Exception was when DH got cancer and she freaked out, undermining me at every turn with her terrible advice (I’m a registered nurse, she has no medical education whatsoever- so if there is one thing I have knowledge about, it’s how to take care of a post op patient). She even said “no one could take care of her beautiful, perfect baby boy better than she” could. OMG, I truly thought she had lost her sanity.
DH recovered, and she is back to being a sweet MIL. She is kind and considerate, loves her grandchildren to pieces, shows no favoritism to any of them, and doesn’t interfere with our parenting. For my part, I support whole heartedly her relationship with DH that is separate from hers with us as a couple. I encourage him to take her to lunch or dinner, and even occasional road trips together, because I know they cherish that relationship they have had long before I came into the picture. I think she really appreciates that, so she makes the effort to be the kind of MIL our family wants to have around us. Whenever we have her over, she always sends a nice thank you text, mentioning specific things about the evening she enjoyed. We go to lunch together about once a month.
If she ever disapproved of me or wished he had married someone else, she has never let on.
My FIL (divorced from MIL) isn’t always so nice, especially now as early dementia is setting in. But he seems to spread that around to everyone, so I don’t particularly take it personal. I just limit my exposure.
Ack! I’m destined to be a MIL very soon.
Let’s just say I have a pretty good idea of what NOT to do! I’ve learned the fine art of tongue-biting over nearly 40 years.
Already in love with future DIL and love her parents as well so that is making life incredibly easy
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As to the questions…
"Or what is your idea of a “good” in law? Is it to be a cheerleader? A friend? Just cook Thanksgiving dinner and be quiet?! "
I think a "good " in-law lets a couple fix their own problems without interference nor judgement.
(Grit your teeth unless there really is a problem bigger than you can imagine at the outset)
Avoids taking sides. Support is great.
Doesn’t hold a grudge when your special super-duper “good advice” isn’t heeded.
Celebrates “family” and all the good values which you hold dear. Encourage the Thanksgiving dinner–no matter what house it is held at.
I will soon be a MIL when S1 marries in october, and S2 has been in a relationship with the same young woman for almost seven years. So I feel like a MIL to her.
I think being a good MIL means offering advice if asked, but then keeping quiet once they’ve made their decision – especially if it’s not what you would have decided. I remember being their age; my own mother was very interfering and it got to the point where I didn’t tell her anything because she would tell me (not suggest to me) how to deal with it. I don’t want my DILs or sons to turn away from me like that, so – if asked – I will offer my ideas. But at the end of the day, it’s their decisions and their lives.
I told my oldest daughter’s fiancé at the wedding rehearsal dinner that my goal was never to be a problem to him. He laughed. I said the same thing to d2’s fiancé at their rehearsal dinner; he laughed too. I’ll say the same thing to d3’s fiancé at their rehearsal dinner on July 14th. I have a close relationship with each daughter, but can’t say I’m especially close to their husbands, nor do I think I need to be be (nor do I think they’d like me to be). I love them, enjoy their company, remember their birthdays, welcome them any time they’d like to visit, etc. Having fought some bloody boundary battles with in-laws in my day, I recognize and appreciate that the primary relationship is the one between spouses.
I don’t text my sons-in-law unless they text me first. One of my ds was fairly freaked out when her future mother-in-law began texting her frequently, so I think this is a pretty safe (to say nothing of easy) approach for a new MIL.
I would hope that my DIL thinks I’m a good MIL. We live 3000 miles apart, so we don’t see each other often, altho. when we do, it’s usually for several days or more at each other’s houses. We’re both introverts, but have had some nice one-on-one conversations and I enjoy spending time with her. She has very strong relationships with her mother and 3 sisters (including a twin), so she wouldn’t necessarily look to me for advice or friendship.
I feel like I respect them and their decisions as a couple, and hope that I only offer advice when asked. DH is more likely to feel like he has to impart his wisdom. We have a good relationship with our son and talk to him weekly.
I’m nowhere near becoming a MIL as my sons are both in high school still. But when the time comes, I will be flying blind. H’s parents both died when he was very young, long before I knew him, so I have zero experience with in laws. I do miss having that relationship. I think knowing your in laws and seeing how they interact with your spouse can help you understand your spouse better. Plus there’s no one to tell funny stories about H as a child or to provide helpful information about H’s childhood. I guess I will take my cues about how to be a good MIL by trying not to do the things my own mom does that drive H crazy!
I’m not sure what my DIL thinks of me at the moment. I reacted badly to something she posted on Facebook, and I gather she thinks I don’t like her because she’s Christian. She was raised in a Bible believing environment, and when I first met her she seemed to reject the over the top beliefs held by her large family. At the time, she and DS were living together, but she wouldn’t tell her mother. Her mom would insist that my son leave her apt by 8pm. She also called at 4am on Sundays to tell her to go to church. Her mom is in the eastern time zone, and the kids were in the Pacific zone. I thought we were going to be very close, as I am to my son.
As soon as they were married, she started with the Bible verses on Facebook and sharing her opinions on being a submissive wife, how fortunate she is that her parents whipped her when she deserved it. I thought she had lost her mind. Then my son decided to be baptized again. I could see they are happy and tried to be okay with it all. But when she posted regretfully about all the time DS had wasted before he found Jesus, I’m afraid I took it personally.
I have a grandbaby now, so I am motivated to maintain the best relationship possible. I have resolved to keep my mouth firmly shut about anything personal, but there is inevitably a loss of trust. I know they both sincerely believe I am destined to go to a literal hell, and I don’t know how to be okay with that.
I’ve thought about talking to my priest about this, but I’m embarrassed.
My S became engaged last week to a girl I have only seen three times because they have lived 200 miles away. They are moving to my town soon. Son (and all his stuff) is here now, living with me, started his new job today. GF is still working in the old town but will be moving here by the first of August and hopefully they will have found a home to rent by the time she gets here. I am very worried about being a good MIL. I like her very much, but she has a close relationship with her mother and older sister so I don’t know where my place will be. I mean, I don’t know if she will look at me as a parental figure or a friend or whatever. I am not a needy person like my own MIL was, but I still would like to be involved in her and my son’s life.
I am the opposite of @gclsports - I lost both my parents when dh and I were engaged, so I have only had in-laws for my married life. That means that, for every holiday, we are with dh’s family (I am an only child). While that has always bothered me some (that it’s a forgone conclusion where we will be), I have to say that it solves a problem that I often see involving in-laws: “sharing.” I am nowhere close to being a mil, but several friends have become in-laws recently, and I see lots of hurt feelings when adult married children spend holidays with daughter or son-in-law’s family instead of their own family of origin. For some reason, many of my friends have a hard time accepting the fact that things change when your children become adults and marry!! There is sulking and pouting and score-keeping about whose family gets the most time. If people would lower their expectations, they’d be a lot less disappointed. My whole life I have heard, “A daughter’s a daughter all her life, but a son’s a son 'til he takes a wife.” I only have one son, so that stings a bit, but beyond unusual circumstances (such as my own), I expect they will spend more time with future dil’s family. Is that “fair”? Probably not, but sons are supposed to leave and cleave.
So, one of my goals is to “share” well, even though my in-laws never had to.
My mil is great. We are pretty open and honest with each other. There have been a couple of bumps in the road, but she has excellent boundaries. She is warm and gracious and fun to be with. We have different personality types (I am type A, while she is very laid back), but she “gets” me and is respectful of my need to overplan and is very accommodating of that. My fil is an @ss. As someone else posted above, this is not directed solely at me - he treats everyone poorly. He has few boundaries and thinks he knows everything and shares his wisdom whether solicited or not. The thing that bugs me most is how he is so condescending toward my dh. Treats him as incapable/like he is still a little kid.
So, another goal of mine is to make sure that I treat ds and future dil as adults and hold my tongue unless asked for advice,
You’re never useless if you can serve as a bad example.
My mother is a wonderful MIL to my sister’s husband. First, she talks to my sister every morning so that he doesn’t have to! He’s Mr-Fixit and they have a relationship where he comes over and they discuss gardening and dishwashers and plumbing. My mother makes sure his favorite foods are there on thanksgiving, will send all the leftovers home with him, drives him to the airport sometimes. His own mother is 90 and in a nursing home. He can call her about once a week but she doesn’t know it’s him.
@juniebug, why are you embarrassed? This sounds like a very difficult situation which could easily drive a wedge between you and your son. It’s clear you and your DIL will never agree on religion, but you don’t want the DIL to poison the relationship with your son. If you have confided in your priest about other things, I don’t know why you wouldn’t about this important issue as well.
I am a MIL and will soon be again, whenever newly engaged DS and fiancée make their plans. I hope I am a good MIL. DS and his wife are very gracious and even if we make them nuts they don’t say.
The challenge I struggle with is with new technology. In the olden days you’d call the landline and get to talk to whoever answered the phone. Now if I call, I call son. If his wife is there sometimes they’ll put the phone on speaker. They don’t do a conference call (like we sometimes tend to if they call us or if we talk to both sons at once). So if we don’t call the wife, will she feel left out? We will often do a group text. hard to know if it’s appreciated or annoying. Sometimes DH accidentally pulls up a chain that younger s’s fiancée isn’t in, so he will then txt her so she doesn’t feel left out. Often I’ll text first and ask if it’s a convenient time to talk. Ya nevah know where they are or what they are doing and they don’t tend to listen to voicemail so I don’t leave a message if a call goes to VM. Hard to navigate these new situations.
