<p>This thread follows after the long discussion over in the Adam Lanza thread. This is not that case. But, that case reminds me both of the isolation parents have when they are examining this type of issue and of the conflicts between parents in dealing with an “atypical” child. Long post…</p>
<p>My very good friend has a boy, 12, who most everyone we know would say is on the spectrum. We have known him since our kids were all very close together in kindergarten. He has stayed sort of stuck; socially odd while all of their cohorts have matured. He has a very rich interior life and a very physically awkward external one filled mostly with a couple of fixations. Middle school has not been easy for him. The parents, both highly educated of the “holistic” bent who eat “clean” etc, and strongly believe (as do I) in the love of quirky/individualism. </p>
<p>They have changed schools a few times trying to find a good fit for their son. But there is no good fit; the “fit” is actually getting worse every year. They’ve tried special diets (eliminating sugar or red food dye etc) but have not seen a medical doctor or therapist about this. There is no diagnosis. Her husband is an immigrant (programmer) and even when she seems steeled every so often to come to terms with “something might be wrong” he is not. </p>
<p>My friend is stuck in the “day to day.” And I, and a few others, have been too chicken to say anything direct to her. Sure we have talked about school and what she has heard from a teachers who tiptoe (to my ears) around it that there is an issue and her response is either to explain that they just don’t understand him or to go direct to “no meds, no way.” There is no room where she will explore the in between which is so odd because she is a scientist by training.</p>
<p>When the new school approached her about “testing” including giftedness I endorsed that and when she reported no giftedness I asked if they did other testing and she said no. She doesn’t seem to want to talk about it. She alludes to the fact that even if she could get there (to a place of considering something is “wrong” with her son) that she’d then have to fight her husband over it. But all conversations that head in that direction are headed off very quickly.</p>
<p>She knows he doesn’t fit in with other kids and is sometimes bullied. She knows he is very reactionary and sometimes gets really really angry/frustrated or has other disturbing outbursts. She knows he lives mostly inside his head (not regular introvert stuff) but like fixated on Harry Potter or Minecraft as if those are the most REAL things to him (knows everything there is to know and directs most conversations to those two things). At 10 or 11 he literally sobbed for hours because he couldn’t go away to Hogwarts. But because he has a couple old friends he can invite to his bithday and who still want to hang out with him (at least for limited amounts of time because he doesn’t really interact but more is doing “parrellel play” usually involving video games) and he is clearly smart, she mostly sees him as just a little bit different and other kids as “mean.” </p>
<p>I feel like I owe it to her to say something. To encourage her to get him assistance while he is still relatively young. To tell her husband that this is not negotiable, that it needs to be checked out. That there are likely resources for the boy and his parents. This is a bright beautiful kid who I am certain could find a niche. But I know bringing up will hurt her. And I know she will feel judged. And defensive. And when we talk (a couple talks a week usually) she just needs to unload rather than to be piled on. </p>
<p>Thoughts? Advice? Been there done that? What would you do?</p>
<p>Edited to add: If she saw behavior in my kid(s) that made her wonder about cutting or bulemia or sexual abuse or something that she felt I wasn’t paying attention to, wouldn’t I tell her “of course you should tell me” so why is it so hard to actually do it?</p>