<p>I think parents might be afraid about how others would react if they knew, but it can also help. One of my children’s friends came over one day. He was always a little quirky but delightful, but something else was going on. It was then that I noticed his hand flapping and he was extremely anxious with very difficult behavior. This episode ended the friendship with my kids as his mother was embarrassed, and I the topic was not discussed. Years later, she mentioned he was on the spectrum. I think if I had known, it might have salvaged the relationship as we could have had the opportunity to understand him better. He was a really nice kid and maybe we could have known how to help. </p>
<p>Oh, forgot to mention that I’ve spoken with more than a few moms who have wondered if their kids were on the spectrum (and they know my background/experience). Even though these moms approached me for my opinion, once it started to hit close to home, you could see on their faces they just weren’t ready to “go there” yet, so I worked to redirect the conversation. It’s all so very personal. Agree with what’s been said about being there to plant the seed, then walk away and see if it blooms.</p>
<p>Imo, yes, there are times when you do what is best for the child- assuming you are educated enough in the issues or syndrome to have a qualifying opinion. If not, there are other ways. Friends here are both adults; the child is a child. Even more, he is the child of your friend- and himself part of your family circle.</p>
<p>Totally agree with GFG. 
Also, many people are so afraid of a diagnosis of “different” that they would rather leave their heads in the ground. There is no one variant of Aspergers, nor one prognosis.</p>
<p>Someone mentioned friendships- my friend worked hard to support her son’s education, help him learn in ways he could- and made friendships happen, with kids he could relate to, who had similar interests. Though her son’s day to day behavior was “different,” she gave him a platform to learn and grow. He’s now in college.</p>
<p>I would say something. On behalf of the child. As others posted, there are gentle ways. I’ve said this to my brother (whose wife refuses to get their son into counseling, out of fears.) He says he’s powerless against her wishes. A shame. (I don’t think his issue is Asperger’s.) My nephew, btw, is now 13 and asking for help and still no action. He’s a brilliant kid, a great kid, doing well in academics- and losing chunks of that childhood time when they grow so much, develop their sense of self.</p>
<p>LF, totally agree that a friend should do what is best for the child. The question is tactics, how to bring the parent around to getting her child evaluated and helped. The most direct method might not be the best way to achieve the desired result.</p>
<p>Poor kid. This is not the description of a happy, thriving child.</p>
<p>My kids have had chronic health conditions since their grade school days that got worse when they entered their teen years. We did appreciate people who were compassionate to us and the kids rather than those who SEEMED judgmental. I was very sensitive and protective of our kids and we went through many, many healthcare professionals in HI, CO, NY and CA getting a diagnosis and treatment. Some of the “treatments” were pretty unhelpful and some of the school administrators were HORRIBLE–they were suspicious of the frequent and prolonged absences and would have conditions that severely taxed the limited stamina our kids had.</p>
<p>Being a supportive friend and “sister” to your buddy is an invaluable service. I know that I would have LOVED having such support from any friends–I mainly just got the support from H and one of the many docs who were working with us.</p>
<p>Our D was very fortunate that she had a very strong group of friends who has stood by her all these years through today. A typical thing for them to say she she said she’s tired and sick is, “OK, you you SICK sick or just your regular under the weather sick?” </p>
<p>It sounds like this young child at least does have a few boys who are willing to socialize with him some, which is good. </p>
<p>As a mom, it really warmed my heart that D had friends in HS–I wish S had such loyal friends as well. His acquaintances never developed the closeness that D’s did and I know that pained him, but he would never speak of it to me or any of the counselors we had him meet.</p>
<p>I guess, my takeaway is to please tread lightly and continue to be supportive of your friend; if she mentions something, ask her if she wants your help in finding answers and then LISTEN. It is a tough road to walk when we have kids who are different–whether due to physical or other issues. When we have loved ones with heads in the sand, it is so many times more difficult.</p>
<p>I’m going to ask an extremely ignorant question, and I recognize I’ll get slammed for this, but here goes.</p>
<p>Ema and others who have posted about this. If you are self-aware enough (and clearly you are) to know that you have these tendencies / behaviors, why is it not possible for you to work on them? For example, I <em>know</em> I’m an introvert. I’m happy by myself, I can travel around the world by myself and enjoy my own company, and it sometimes doesn’t even occur to me to call home - but I know my husband really likes to hear from me, so poof, I adjust that behavior so I make sure I call home when I’m traveling, I tend to get to the point in conversations at work, and I know that task orientation doesn’t work with people who want to hear a little bit of the “hey, how was your weekend” before diving into the task at hand - so I “coach myself” to engage in some of that small talk before I jump into work tasks. That type of thing. I know nothing about being neuro-a-typical (is that a word?) but I don’t quite fully get how one could be self-aware enough to know of a tendency yet be completely at a loss as to how to correct it, or at least perhaps adjust it. </p>
<p>My best friend of over 25 years has a D with psychological issues who is 24. I have been friends with this woman since our kids were in preschool so I have known the D all her life. Our families used to do dinners together, and when the D was 4, my H said to me, “That girl needs counseling. She isn’t right.” She would hide behind her mom and refuse to speak to us even though she knew us well. </p>
<p>The D worked at a very nice store in our town for about a month as a part-time job when she was a senior in high school. She quit because the customers were “mean.” She has never had another job, doesn’t have her driver’s license, has only one girlfriend, only took 2-3 community college classes. She does have an extremely nice BF. She is on meds for anxiety. She stays home all day in the family home watching TV and using computer (Pinterest, etc.) but not much housework to help out parents. </p>
<p>It can be awkward with my friend, because I would love to say “take this girl to counseling!” and you need it too. I only ask about the D in a general way. Only once or twice have we discussed D’s situation and lack of moving forward, and my friend gets off the subject quickly and says, “I can’t think about it too much or I get too upset.”</p>
<p>So for 21 years I have known this young woman should be in counseling, but I don’t speak up to my best friend. I know she knows the D has major issues. She doesn’t need to hear it from me. I think you should just continue to support your friend unless she asks for your opinion on her son. </p>
<p>One thing you might say when the friend talks about her son’s lack of friends or crying about school, “Have you thought of taking him to counseling?” Just general counseling for adolescents. That might be a less threatening approach than the psychological evaluation approach. Then the counselor can recommend evaluation.</p>
<p>Yes, counseling for SUPPORT of the mom and child can be a less threatening suggestion than an EVALUATION. It may or may not be well received tho. </p>
<p>I have three possible answers to this.
- Have you considered discussing it directly with the boy? At 12, he must have noticed that he’s out of step. If he’s aware of school resources, he can request them himself (although it is harder that way, it can be done). Some kids just go through things, miserable, thinking that nothing can be done.
- Be prepared to go to the mat with your friend. You may lose her friendship if her level of denial is high enough. That’s what happened to me (with a friend of more than thirty years standing)–but her kid did get counseling in the end.
- Do nothing and let the boy self-diagnose later. </p>
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<p>I think this is an important point. The child should, in my opinion, be the priority here, not the possibility of hurt feelings on the part of the mom. If the OP and the mom are like sisters, this would appear to be the type of friendship where it would border on irresponsible NOT to discuss it. No one is saying that it’s not very difficult but is it worth to allow the current situation to continue and the child not get the help he needs?</p>
<p>I’m not going to slam you, Pizzagirl, but I’m going to give you an analogy.</p>
<p>Imagine you were blind, and someone told you to “just work on” seeing. You couldn’t. There would be skills that seeing people just developed in the course of their normal life, that you simply lacked and could never have. With work, you could learn to navigate in a seeing world, but you would never be able to see.</p>
<p>Similarly with people on the spectrum. We simply cannot see social subtexts that other people see without any effort. We are blind to those things. We may be able to learn explicit rules about certain situations, but they won’t be as good as a neurotypical’s unconscious social vision, and we will always have to consciously apply them, which will be an effort every time.</p>
<p>We’re not talking about tendencies here. We’re talking about lacking some part of the brain that others have. I can’t coach myself into having social vision any more than a blind person can coach herself into seeing, any more than you can coach yourself into having perfect pitch. </p>
<p>Right. Not all people intuit the points that cause issues, what to accept as a simple quirk or preference, what to change- and how. Sometimes, it’s as simple as someone pointing something out. Other times, patterns, habits, responses, etc, are ingrained and they really need help with benchmarks and alternatives. For some, it’s like being dropped in another culture. you may intuit some things- and need a guide, for others.</p>
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<p>For some, it’s like being dropped on another planet, where people communicate partially with telepathy. A popular site for people on the spectrum is called Wrong Planet, because some people feel like they somehow ended up on the wrong planet.</p>
<p>Our kids are polar opposites in some ways. D is extremely empathetic. S on the other hand is mostly fairly oblivious to feelings (except when his are hurt). They sometimes clash on this, but mostly have been able to work things out. </p>
<p>Yes, knowing some folks with varying degrees on the spectrum, I can see where it can feel like they are on the wrong planet, where everyone seems to be receiving mysterious signals except them. One poor kid was at a total loss when there was free play in preschool and was only happy when things were organized and folks were supposed to line up and do whatever the teachers and staff had planned. Fortunately, he was able to adapt, but all the kids running around was totally mysterious and unsettling to him.</p>
<p>Some more articles of interest:</p>
<p><a href=“Neurodiversity Acceptance Movement | Autism | Asperger | Silicon Valley”>http://www.metroactive.com/features/autism-asperger-intellectual-diversity-silicon-valley.html</a>
<a href=“Scientists and autism: When geeks meet | Nature”>Latest science news, discoveries and analysis;
<a href=“When Engineers' Genes Collide - IEEE Spectrum”>http://spectrum.ieee.org/biomedical/ethics/when-engineers-genes-collide</a></p>
<p>I wouldn’t broach this subject with the friend. The OP is not really qualified to make such a diagnosis, is she? I think there are a fair amount of nerdy/geeky kids who may not fit in and may spend a lot of time in their own head. </p>
<p>The most I would do would be to suggest an educational consultant as someone did upthread, if and when the friend brings up the kids’ problems in school. This doesn’t imply a psychological diagnosis, and the consultant may be able to recommend a doctor/psychologist if they find that it is warranted. </p>
<p>Be careful about recommending educational consultants and educational psychologists. Sometimes they are not qualified to make an autism diagnosis, and won’t make one even if they suspect the child is on the autism spectrum. The OP’s friend would be better off with a professional who would at least consider that the kid might have Aspergers.</p>
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<p>This is an important point, I think. My D went through this with undiagnosed ADD. She became severely, dangerously depressed because everyone expected her to be excelling academically as she’d always done before, but suddenly (in high school) was unable to. She felt stupid and people thought she was slacking when in fact she had an undiagnosed LD. I kick myself for not figuring it out and getting her tested sooner, which might have saved her years of pain & suffering :(</p>
<p>No harm in asking Pizzagirl. As someone who is not on the spectrum, but is familiar with it and also knows people on it, your question is part of the puzzle. Years ago, there was an article about Asperger’s Syndrome called “Blinded by their Strengths” discussing this issue with very bright students in school. Teachers could see that they could handle academics, and also were quite articulate and self-aware, and so could not see why they could not manage other aspects of socialization well. The teachers were blind to the students’ weaknesses because they saw academic strengths. One of the challenges of being on the spectrum is that the dis-ability is not visible. Some of the emotional consequences come from students being punished or disciplined for behaviors that they are not in control of by people who assume that they are.
People on the spectrum have difficulty with interpersonal relationships. Fortunately, many social skills are teachable and there are many resources for doing so that help- ABA therapy, social skills groups, social stories. I know some high functioning individuals who appear as typical as anyone else, yet it still takes effort on their part to do so. An interesting book on this topic is “Pretending to be Normal” by Liane Willey.
Some people on the spectrum are proud to be who they are, don’t want to be “neurotypical” and feel we need to appreciate the unique perspective they bring to the word. Social skills training won’t change them, but it may reduce the social anxiety and lead to more opportunities. </p>
<p>^^^^ This (@Pennylane2011)</p>
<p>Also, many on the spectrum lack Executive Functioning skills. This often seems to create a dividing line. Those (Aspie’s) with EF skills are the ones who tend to succeed in college and beyond. Thankfully, many can be taught them, at least to some extent, but that’s the key: learning that skill set. The earlier, the better.</p>
<p>Think absent-minded professor.</p>