<p>Freshman D has a very serious, but now long distance, bf. I am very conflicted about the situation, although we like the bf a lot. We are worried that she will be in misery separated from the bf for weeks at a time. Meanwhile, he is still in the same city/burb as we are, and she has asked that we include him in family functions as much as possible. I am new to this whole “bf/gf” thing and just feel like we should include him when we can, but I’m worried that I will be that “last to know” as it were if D starts to feel like he’s soo last year’s lunch I’ll still be making ham and cheese. Or vice versa. Or something. Awwwwwk!</p>
<p>I put the invitations on my kids. They both are dating fine young people. My DD has been dating her BF for 3.5 years. My son has been dating his GF for six months. I tell them that their BF/GF are always welcome in our home. They invite them for what they want to. Neither of the friends lives locally.</p>
<p>Personally, I would include my kid’s significant other only when my KID was there too…unless they were engaged to be married. But even then, I can’t imagine what family function the SO would need to be invited to that our kid wouldn’t also be at.</p>
<p>My D1’s bf’s family has included her in holidays and family activities a lot since they started dating freshman year of college (going on 5 years now). They invite her to holiday dinners (Thanksgiving, Easter, 4th of July picnics, etc) if she is not coming home (5 states away). They like her and treat her pretty much like family. These days they take her on family vacations sometimes, too. I think it is the greatest thing, since I live far away from where she went to school and lives/works now. Now… she is not the type to be miserable when separated from him for a while – he has a job now that takes him out of town during the week every week, so they aren’t together as much as they were in college. Also, he has come to our house to visit several times (he pays for his own plane tickets).</p>
<p>My parents were very stiff and formal with our SOs before we married them (heck, somewhat afterwards, too). I hated that… I had a couple of boyfriends whose families just folded me right into the mix, and I realized quickly what a great gift that was. So I try hard to be really welcoming and make room for one more at whatever we are doing.</p>
<p>But… if you think there is a risk this won’t last, then just check with your D before you include him each time. “Would you like to invite ‘Johnny’ to our football game party next week?” Your D’s response will tell you if things are cooling off.</p>
<p>When I went off to college and left by bf of ~four years at the time, my parents would invite him over when they were making his favorite food. We didn’t last and I let my parents know when we were falling apart. </p>
<p>My guess would be that he’ll politely decline unless he’s already spent time alone with you. It’s awkward to go to a SO’s family events without the SO.</p>
<p>Yes, they do pay for her vacation expenses. His family is pretty well off. They have taken her on cruises, and a couple of times to a beach resort they like. They also took her to New York City for a weekend once.</p>
<p>Wait…is the OP saying invite the bf when she is out of town? That is kind of awkward unless they are long term/well integrated with the family. My D1 does occasionally stay at her bf’s parents’ house when he is not there (when she had job interviews in their city, for example, while they were still in college). But they had been dating for a couple of years and she had been there tons of times with him before that happened.</p>
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Thumper, even now she is in another city and we invited him to the family labor day dinner tomorrow night. D herself suggested that we include the bf so as not to leave him abruptly cut off just because she is now in another city.</p>
<p>inparent yes, include the bf even when she is not there. They have been going together for about 10 months and consider themselves to be very committed.</p>
<p>Mmm, I think we talked about it the first time (I think it was the weekend to New York). She offered to pay her bf’s dad back for tickets to some things they attended, but he totally rejected this idea. And if you knew the guy – he LOVED having a new person he could take to his favorite places and plays in NY, he genuinely wanted to have her along with the family. Now if they were struggling for money, D would be sensitive to that and either not go or insist on paying her way. But they really are not. She certainly never invites herself, they always extend the invitation if they want her to go with them. And she knows not to order the most expensive item on the menu!</p>
<p>They also regularly take her and bf out to dinner, as they all live in the same city now. They just genuinely enjoy her company and like seeing their son with her. I am pretty sure they are hoping the bf (their son) will propose soon, and they want her to feel welcome in their family and say yes. 
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<p>Learning to accept a gift graciously that the giver truly wants to give (like these trips) is a skill in itself. Why feel uncomfortable if they can afford it, and they truly like you and want to spend time with you?</p>
<p>OP… well… I guess I would (at least some of the time) invite the bf, especially if he does not have family in your city. But I would ask you D to keep you in the loop on their “status”, and maybe still check in with her each time. “D, we were thinking of inviting ‘Johnny’ to our labor day picnic, do you think he would be interested?” You can actually extend the invitation, but nothing wrong with checking in with her first.</p>
<p>If he is uncomfortable, he will likely make excuses anyway.</p>
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<p>Absolutely not. But I think they know that she and their son love each other. Intitially I think they probably wanted to spend some time with her to get to know her better. Now I think they enjoy her company and think she is a good addition to their party when they are travelling. (Must admit, she is a great travel companion – very fun, outgoing, interested in whatever is going on, and easygoing). She gets along really well with the bf’s sister as well, so they are just a really congenial travel group. :)</p>
<p>If you are not comfortable accepting invitations… then don’t. But one way to think about it is that it would also be a way for you to get to know your gf’s family better. Because like it or not, when you get married, you are NOT just marrying your spouse. You are really marrying their whole extended (sometimes messy) family. Especially your MIL and FIL. You will spend holidays and vacations with them in the future – IMHO, better to know now what you are signing up for than find out after the fact that you can’t stand them… and some extended time together is a very good way to start to forge some bonds that will be helpful in the future if you marry your gf. You may think that you can just blow off/ignore them if you don’t like them. But your spouse likely won’t see it that way, and you will likely be thrown together with them a lot. </p>
<p>Also, it is possible they would be offended if you turned down an invitation. They may interpret it as you not liking them, or being standoffish, or not appreciating their generosity. What seems obvious to you (“don’t accept expensive gifts”) could be offensive to them. Again… like the wedding, it isn’t all about you…</p>
<p>The first time I met my daughter’s SO, he just fit into the family really, really well. Ironically, he’s from out of state but goes to college here, so they have a long distance relationship and he’s here most of the time. He graduates this year and plans to move to NYC. I would consider inviting him for Thanksgiving this year if he doesn’t go home, but my D will be here too. I also pick up my cousin’s daughter from Alaska (who is going to the same school as my D’s BF) and take her to the family Thanksgiving. What’s one more? </p>
<p>Last year, when D had to fly out really, really early at the end of Spring Break, I let the BF stay on our couch and he came to the airport with me to drop her off. I knew they’d been up really late and didn’t want him making the hour drive on only about 2 hours sleep so I encouraged him to crash on the couch for a few more hours when we got home from the airport. He did, but he snuck out before I woke up. It might have been weird for him to be there when I woke up, but he’s been over a lot this summer and I don’t think it would be weird now. </p>
<p>I’m kind of shocked what a good fit they are for each other at such young ages. I won’t be surprised if they end up married.</p>
<p>Double posting instead of editing- Sometimes it is an advantage to the parents when their son or daughter has someone to hang out with on vacation too. That allows for the couples to split up to do some things and do some things together, especially on something like a cruise where people might want to do different things through out the day or when in port! If I had the money to bring a SO along, I would totally do it.</p>
<p>^H and I have talked a lot about whether D and the BF will survive long term. I’m very ambivalent but part of me sees them really making it for the long run. It’s almost like I don’t know how to treat him other than as one of my children (D says that would be awkward, technically :)).</p>
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<p>As a (functionally) only child- my parents LOVE to bring my SO along with us. Makes life easier when it’s four and not three.</p>
<p>xania, is this the BF that your husband/his family made feel very uncomfortable? If so, I again think he’ll politely decline.</p>
<p>^Yes, but he seems to be a very congenial sort and appreciates being included in D’s family events, so he seems likely to accept these invitations. His own family apparently causes a lot of stress for him and we are mild by comparison.</p>
<p>Some families with only children routinely allow their child to bring a friend along on family trips, starting in elementary school. Vacations seem to work better when there are two children who can do things together, rather than just one child.</p>
<p>In the instances I have known of when families did this, the guest child’s parents were not expected to pay anything or to reciprocate. </p>
<p>Is inviting a grown child’s SO on trips so different from this?</p>
<p>OP, I would area problem with my D telling me who I should or shouldn’t invite to gatherings at my house if she wasn’t going to be there!!! I the relationship is going to work out it will, if not, it won’t. </p>
<p>We welcome our kids SO’s tone involved in our activities when our kids are around- there comes a point when it feels very natural to do this- doesn’t sound like you are at that point yet - which is perfectly ok!!</p>
<p>We would be bummed out and offended if we invited D2’s SO on a cruise and he declined. It would definitely be a bummer for D2, who cannot afford a cruise on her own, and would have loved to spend that time with her SO. She would be hurt and VERY offended.</p>
<p>It’s difficult to imagine a scenario where we would invite him and she were not present…but maybe if they’re long distance, there are younger siblings involved, and his own parents don’t have things going on.</p>
<p>I typically just do what “feels right” in those situations…so if it seems to fit, is not awkward, and everyone can smile and have fun, WHY NOT? :)</p>
<p>Our girls have brought their BFs on vacation with us, and we usually paid for it. Sometimes they paid for their own airfare, but we always paid for their room and board. D1 also had GFs who happened to be in the country we were at, and we’ve invited them to stay with us. </p>
<p>I personally wouldn’t invite my girls’ SO to our family gatherings without them. I always love my girls’ BFs, but until they are married, no special personal attachment.</p>