<p>When my sister was a senior in high school, she had a boyfriend who was a year behind her in school. My dad liked him very much, and the feeling was mutual. When she went away to college the next fall, while he was still at home finishing high school, he continued to hang out with my dad. This seemed to happen naturally. My dad was sorry when they broke up because it meant the end of his friendship with this young man. </p>
<p>I also had a boyfriend at that time, but he and my dad did not feel the same comfort with each other. It was unthinkable that they would spend time together when I was not present.</p>
<p>I like the SOs of my daughters very much, although we mostly see the youngests SO the most.
I appreciate that they welcome her on their family trips, in fact in a little bit she is boarding the plane for Kona, with her backpack for a break before school starts.
No, I am only a little jealous.
:o</p>
<p>My D is in a committed relationship with a young man( living together) and we really do like him, enjoy spending time with them when they spend a weekend with us. When we meet up for dinner in the city every couple of months we pay for their meals. He has even called us when he was traveling without my D. He became stranded in an emergency. So there is a level of comfort he has with us. If my D was away and wanted us to include him in a family function, we would do it, no problem. If he declined, we would not be offended or feel less of him. We understand it might feel awkward.</p>
<p>Maybe I misread…but it sounds like the OPs daughter wants the parents to include the boyfriend in events while their daughter is away at college.</p>
<p>My answer to that would be NO. But I would invite the daughter to bring the boyfriend along when she is IN town.</p>
<p>We’ve always treated our Ds’ longterm boyfriends like family. Once they’d been together long enough that it was clearly a serious relationship, we’d celebrate their birthdays, buy them Christmas gifts, etc. Three of our five are now married and the other two are engaged so it’s like we have five sons, too. We have always taken significant others on vacations, and yes, we do pay for them, just as we paid for friends of our girls if we invited them to come along in the teenage years. The ‘boys’ are always welcome in our home, even if the girls aren’t around, and they know that. We often have one or more of them, and often the grandkids, here when the wives/moms are busy with something else. </p>
<p>As for inviting a boyfriend of ten months, who I’m guessing is a teenager since your D is headed off to college, I would probably invite him to a casual get-together but not to every family gathering. Presumably this boy has a family who may be having get-togethers on holidays, etc. as well and he should be spending those with his own family, I would think, if your D isn’t there. When she is there, the two of them can work out how to split their time, like every other couple has to do. If she’s heading off as a freshman in college, chances are that this relationship won’t be a lasting one. Most don’t survive, which is fine. They, and you, will handle it and move on, just like the rest of us have done!</p>
<p>My daughters both have long term boyfriends whom we love. D1 lives here so we only see her boyfriend with her, but I often cook his favorite foods and send him containers or trays of things he enjoys. D2 is away but boyfriend lives a couple of blocks from us. We run into each other on the street and sometimes we will have him over to eat. He also calls sometimes to take my son to play basketball or see if we need anything. I secretly believe that my D has deputized him to check on her dog.</p>
You said that, but you didn’t really explain what your reason would be. Would you just feel that it was too awkward or is it more about minimizing your level of attachment to the SO?</p>
<p>I’m not Thumper but I think I mentioned in my post above why I wouldn’t invite him. Someone else mentioned like I did, that “when it feels natural” is the key for me- and from what you’ve said, I voting him at this point does NOT feel natural to you.</p>
<p>Does he have family in town himself or is he somehow estranged from his family ?? Is that why your D feels the need for you to include him?? If I’m putting the shoe on the other foot - either myself as a then or one of my kids - I think I’d feel awkward being invited and feeling like I have to attend the family function.</p>
<p>I also think that it would feel very strange to invite a BF of only 10 months to your family gathering when your D was not there. Doesn’t he have a family that wants to see him?</p>
<p>If not, and especially if you have other “strays” at holiday gatherings, then maybe it would be okay.</p>
<p>I agree about feeling strange inviting BF of 10 mos w/o D to family gatherings. My D and her boyfriend have been together 3.5 years, and are sharing an apartment, so it would feel less weird, but they are not near us so it is not an issue.</p>
<p>We have taken BF on a couple of family trips - last summer to a wedding (we had 3 hotel rooms booked, I paid for his) and this summer to Orlando (D and BF paid for their airfare, I bought their park tickets and paid for the hotel room - yes, they shared one this trip). If he was not interested in coming on vacations with us because he could not afford it, D probably wouldn’t come either and I would be really mad. I would not have any regrets taking him along if they break up some day int he future, as jja suggested earlier.</p>
<p>With my kids’ SO’s I always make sure the communication goes from me to my kid, then to the SO. So I would say no to inviting the SO without your daughter being able to attend. </p>
<p>The problem is you and your husband risk establishing a strong friendship/relationship with the SO when you are not sure that person will always be in your daughter’s life. If the relationship ends you will have to untangle yourself from this person, possibly (as people above have written), to your great dismay. </p>
<p>As calculating as it may sound, always keeping your kid between you and the SO is the safest way to approach it…at least until there’s a ring and a date :)</p>
<p>Well, there is a whole different (huge) thread on this, and not what the OP asked anyway… But the end of a kid’s relationship with their SO does not always spell the end of friendship with the rest of the family. My parents are still very close to one of my brother’s gf’s from high school (from 40 years ago now). She lives across the country, but calls them a few times a year, and they see each other in person when they are nearby. We all (including my brother) think is is fine.</p>
<p>But it doesn’t sound like the OP is that close to the bf at this time.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t necessarily base this decision on the length of the relationship, because how fast couples move into a serious level of commitment varies. For some, it’s six months; for others, it’s two years - and there’s everything in between. This is not an issue we will have to deal with because neither daughter lives near us, but right now D2 is in a very serious relationship. They’ve only been dating for five months, but we hear wedding bells already. If they lived near us, and we were in the same predicament as the OP with D1 being off at college and SO living close to us, I can see us including him in some social events. But that’s because I know their relationship is serious right now. She’s had some other SOs that, after a couple of months were not as serious as this boyfriend. We never would have included them, only because the relationship was obviously not as meaningful to her. </p>
<p>I agree with whoever stated they would treat it as if it were one of their child’s really good friends. D1 in particular has some good friends from high school (some of who call me mom) that we have included in social occasions/family trips, etc. When we invited them, it wasn’t conditional on whether or not we thought their friendships would last forever. And we have also included some of her friends in social events when D1 wasn’t around.</p>
<p>Our message to our kids has been that we are always happy to welcome their friends in our home – whether significant others or platonic friends. It has given us pleasure to get to know their friends.</p>
<p>I do not regret the time spent or efforts I made getting to know SOs of my D, even those who ended up not being long term. (In her early post-college years and then during grad school she lived either with or not far from us, so her dates could easily come to our home.) It was interesting to get to know the individuals she chose to date, and to be able to see how and why she moved on from them. </p>
<p>D is now engaged but we have not spent a great amount of time with her and her fiance, as they live and work in a different city over six hours away. Perhaps we have spent five weekends together over the two years they have been dating. The first holiday they spent together with us was after they became engaged. (Some other holidays they have spent with various member of his family in other areas of the country – his parents are divorced and live far from each other, so that takes up more time.) This year we will spend Thanksgiving with them in their home, with SO’s mom there as well. S will join us, and S’s significant other is invited.</p>
<p>S has dated the same young woman for seven years, and has known her for nine years (high school romance). She has spent much time in our home and we have spent time in her parents’ home, and they have had dinners at our home. But she is an only child and her parents like to have her with their family on holidays. This past Thanksgiving they did allow her to come to our home for dessert. (We each have other extended family celebrating holidays with us so joining up has, so far, been complicated, but I expect that will be happening in the future.)</p>
<p>With all, communication does go from us to our S or D, then from S or D to their significant other. Except now that D is engaged, I often send an e-mail to both D and her fiance if it involves details of any plans we have made together.</p>
<p>Why? In the case of the OP, it sounds like her daughter wants the family to include the significant other as a way to keep him involved with the family. Sorry…that is NOT my job with a boyfriend…maybe a fianc</p>
<p>I think some young people are uncomfortable with parents paying for trips or whatever because they then feel as though they owe the family something. But some of us have not always been in the position to take an extra person along and it is nice if we can include our kids’ GF and/or BF. We may not always be able to do this either, but now we try to be generous. </p>
<p>We both have very small families. I grew up with lots of cousins. I miss having big celebrations, so I am happy to include anyone who wants to join us for celebrations at our home.</p>
<p>Bypassing the side trip ^^^^^^^, Im going with those who say including BF in events in which the D is not present is a little much. Especially since he doesn’t have a long history with family.
If he * did, and* was going through a stressful time, such as after the death of a parent or sibling, then including him in a few things, if he was really interested would be a kindness, but otherwise, it seems like pushing.
Is this her first serious relationship?
As she is just a freshman, you may want to consider that she may decide she wants to take it slower once her first year of college really gets rolling.
Having him as " part of the family", may make that much more difficult to slow down, no matter how committed they seem now at this early stage.</p>
<p>In answer to the OP, I am cordial and friendly to a boyfriend. That said, I would not likely invite the BF to family gatherings in absence of my D. I doubt he would be comfortable in that scenario unless we had already known him well prior to their relationship. If he had no family, perhaps I might consider that in an individual circumstance. </p>
<p>I guess the answer would be “it would just depend…”</p>
<p>( reading another post from earlier this summer where OP mentioned the 7 month courtship & that the boy just turned 17.)
Is he still in high school?
My post about slowing down once the lust factor wears off, applies double.
At least the daughter is using birth control, but still.</p>
If she’s heading off as a freshman in college, chances are that this relationship won’t be a lasting one. Most don’t survive, which is fine. They, and you, will handle it and move on, just like the rest of us have done!</p>