<p>^^^^Didn’t realize that there was another somewhat related thread. Would the OP mind if someone posted a link to the other thread?</p>
<p>^^^^Theres a few other threads that I glanced at to get context, because there can be critical details that affect what advice might be appropriate.
I am not discounting that a relationship of less than a year cant be serious.</p>
<p>When I met my H 37 years ago, it became exclusive pretty quickly ( well at least on his end)
He was almost 22 however and had already had at least one other exclusive relationship of four years.
I had been " dating" since jr high & had even lived with a boyfriend that I had just broken it off with a few months before.
Neither one of us had been looking for a serious relationship, we were too young! But despite that we fell in love pretty hard -ok we fell in * lust* extremely hard, 
but that carried us pretty far…</p>
<p>However, the day to day of a high school student compared to a college student is so different, & especially considering that oftentimes males mature slower than females socially & emotionally. Although those who are on the quiet side can often seem more mature, just because we may know less about them when they don’t share their thoughts, and we seem to project our own template of what we * think* they are like.
Which isn’t always very accurate.</p>
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<p>I went back and reread #1; and yes, it does seem as if the D is wanting mom to compensate for her not being there. I don’t think that is a good reason for including him. But since it appears she has just gone off to her freshman year at college, I suspect this relationship is likely not going to last in the long run.</p>
<p>BF has another year of high school. He lives with his parents. He came to the family dinner tonight - it might have been awkward if it were just the parent/grandparent types, but S is still here, so he made a point to spend some time with the bf.<br>
Why would you have a problem with her asking? D doesn’t order us around. She suggested we try to include him, because she wants him to still feel connected with her in a variety of ways. Even if you were to say no to the idea, I don’t see why it would be a problem for you if she were to ask.
Do your demands on your kids time preclude their accepting invitations to anyone else’s events? We’re not just talking about major holidays here, although bf was able to join us tonight because his own family apparently had an earlier brunch celebration.</p>
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<p>We actually have no demands on our kids’ time. They’re all adults now and have busy schedules. As couples, they have to make the decision as to how to share time with both families. </p>
<p>This is what you posted initially.</p>
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<p>As I said, my Ds’ husbands and fianc</p>
<p>I know that is the norm…but sometimes long distance, even young relationships work out. My sister and her husband had a similar relationship, and have done the long distance thing several times, and they have been married for eight years now. :). So, you never know. Just depends on the couple. If it felt right to me, I’d invite him, if it didn’t, I wouldn’t, with my apologies to the daughter, that it was just a bit awkward without her there.</p>
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I could relate to this as a parent whose S might have had a similar experience, not in the context of being a SO, but in the context of being a good friend/roommate.</p>
<p>DS had a roommate for 3 years (and a suitemate for 4 years) in college who is from a more well-to-do family, according to DS. Because we seldom traveled to his college due to the distance and cost and his roommate’s parents often did, his family would take DS along to various events (dinner events, concerts, etc.) I believe their parents care very much about their own S, and therefore treat their S’s roommate, DS, well. It is likely that they are genuinely interested in knowing DS more just because he was very close to their S’s daily life for many years.</p>
<p>At one time, they took DS together with their S to their home for a weekend. They drove them to a concert in another nearby city in one evening because they thought his S and DS might like it.</p>
<p>At the end of the weekend, DS said to them he should pay for whatever they so kindly did for him during the past 2-3 days. They were willing to take a token value of just $20 in order to make DS feel a little bit more comfortable. (The ticket to the concert alone would be more than that!)</p>
<p>I do not know whether DS handled the situation properly or not. Apparently, this family likes him. This is because, around the time when DS was graduated, they even asked whether DS would need their help to find a job. We really appreciate this family’s kindness toward DS in the past.</p>
<p>With this said, we still hope DS’s future SO would not be from a well-to-do family but we will accept whoever she (or even a he :)) will be.</p>
<p>As regard to how we will treat DS’s SO, as one of us said: If we want to have an easy access to our grand children, we had better be very very behaved. She definitely could decide how much we could see them.</p>
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Oh, my, why ever would you say that?</p>
<p>Yes… agree. I think it is fine that my D1 dates (and I am guessing will marry) into a family with more money than we have. Now… it is not tons more. I am going to guess maybe 3 times our annual income (ex-H and I together). But we don’t do too badly, so it is still quite a bit of money. I don’t see why that would be a problem. As far as I can tell the bf’s parents are fun, interesting, smart, gracious people who seem to love my D1. The money isn’t a problem. And I like that the bf is not burdened by large (or any) student loans (neither is D1). Our kids are both hardworking young professionals now who are doing well in their careers in their own right, so I am not sure how much money his parents make matters too much anyway.</p>
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<p>Coming from a well to do family would be completely out of a person’s control. I don’t even think it would occur to me to think about this unless the SO showed signs that they couldn’t live within their own means, i.e. expects to have the same standard of living right out of the gate as their parents did after a lifetime of work or something along those lines.</p>
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<p>I think that is the wisest POV, especially when the kids are pretty young and not likely to have met “the one.”</p>
<p>Nrdsb4, I agree to a degree.</p>
<p>I love D2’s boyfriend, and I’m pretty sure he’s actually the one.</p>
<p>But because of my own PERSONAL experience, no son-in-law becomes “like my own son”, and certainly no boyfriend or fiance holds a place that dear.</p>
<p>When I divorced my first husband, the split was VERY difficult on EVERYONE. The attachment my mother had to him was just really strong. Divorce had not been done in our family previously, so it’s not a possibility that even entered her mind. They were very close. It hurt her when I divorced him, and it hurt me that she had placed him on equal footing with me. Our relationship has healed fully, but it was sort of touch and go there for a while.</p>
<p>Your kids are your kids. Their loves can be your loves too, but should never be “your kids”. Just my opinion.</p>
<p>Hmm… I am not willing to restrain myself in that… I will take the risk that if I love a SO too much, someone else might feel hurt or jealous about it. Even my own kids…</p>
<p>^^^I agree. In fact, earlier this year, D2 broke up with her boyfriend, whom we have known since he was a very little boy. It’s been awkward. I really feel for him, and sure liked the kid. But I had to just support my daughter in that she felt the time had come to end it. I did encourage her to keep it civil, and she was totally on board with that. He has struggled with it, but I have to emotionally distance myself from his pain. It will probably work out for the best in the long run.</p>
<p>Intparent, I understand what you’re saying…I’m not saying not to love. I’m saying be careful not to put them on EQUAL footing with your own children. If you do, you will likely lose them both. Your kids need to feel your love and support, even if you don’t agree with their decisions…talking about just being there for them. In my case, my mom took my ex’s side temporarily…at least until she realized that I had not told her about MOST of the things happening in our marriage. She said and did very hurtful things, and as a result, causes great damage to our relationship…almost severed it. She came back later, after all the truth was out and tearfully apologized. Of course, it was all forgiven in an instant, but those scars…the things she said were still there. That’s why the warning. Even though you think you know your kid’s SO…you might not know what you think you do. And he/she is NOT your child…might be VERY dear to you, and you might love them very very much…but your kids are your kids, and should never feel that hurt of abandonment. Just saying.</p>
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When 2 people got married, their lives interwined with each other very closely. They may have a better “starting point” if they do not grow up in drastically different growing-up environment, including socioeconomic status of their family. This is just my subjective opinion.</p>
<p>DS had many suitemates in college or some friends in other suites who are from very well-to-do families. For example, one suitmate may order multiple main entries and decides later which one he likes the best and discard the ones he dislikes. Another suitemate may decide to have an expensive trip to Europe any time he feels like it without any reason and fly the first class. If he himself does not choose first class and his parent notices it, his parent will upgrade it for him. Another one owns an apartment in a very expensive district and often has a “get away from campus” weekend and throw a $$$ party there, never asks any party goers to chip in or bring any food or drink. Want to go to a baseball game in NYC? A private balcony with fancy food is where they will go. I could list more of these examples if I want. My point is their life style is really very different from DS’s. Being just friend may be fine, but it may not be easy to get used to the same life style as a couple, IMHO. I suspect that in DS’s current environment (not UG anymore) there are still some of these “rich” kids, considering the fact that many of them are still full pay students when annual COA is north of 70k.</p>
<p>There are kids who come from families that will be full pay even if they had all five kids in private Us at once, but they would never think to behave as those you describe mcat2.</p>
<p>( except for the private box at the baseball stadium - that they use)</p>
<p>To be sure, I never said their behaviors (perhaps with one exception only) are bad. It is just their life style is naturally quite different from the rest of us who have more modest means because money is likely not their concern.</p>
<p>When DS rented an apartment in one year, his price range is around $800 a month. His friend rented a $3000-per-month apartment, and furnished it with brand new furniture (in a more expensive city.)</p>
<p>My kids have been raised to be flexible.People are people.
For instance today my D who is in Hawaii with her BF & his parents sent me photos of where they are staying. Lovely home with a pool, hot tub & private beach access.
My honeymoon wasnt a nth as nice.
She has also stayed in places without potable water & no, I am not talking about camping, but where people live.</p>
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You probably can’t imagine how offensive this is. Come on, really?</p>