<p>I’ve never bothered to treat my kids “equally.” I just deal with each according to his/her need. There’s just no way to spend the same amount on each kid and have them consider it equal.</p>
<p>Our S’s are three years apart. We bought each of them a watch(not a very expensive kind) and had it engraved on the back with their initials, the school initials and the year of graduation. </p>
<p>Had their diplomas framed for them.</p>
<p>We also gave them any leftover money in their college funds (most were in the form of U.S. Savings bonds bought in their names). S1 had way more left in his fund (due to merit scholarships) than S2 (full pay). There was no way to make that amount equal. There was no discussion of it. S2 knew what the deal was and had no problem with it. S2 did live with us (he had a fulltime job) rent free for a year after graduation which was sort of a gift.</p>
<p>So my answer is “no, they were not equal but nobody cared”.</p>
<p>This was a LOT of years ago, but my parents tried to keep things pretty equal. When my brother graduated from college, they gave him a family car that was worth about $5000 because they were ready to buy a new one anyway. When I graduated from college, they didn’t have a car they were ready to get rid of, so they put $5000 down on a new car and co-signed the loan so I could get financing for a reasonable payment that I could afford. So yeah, they kept it pretty equal. </p>
<p>I would think inflation makes a difference with an 8 year time span though. </p>
<p>I try to keep things fairly equal between my kids. My daughter went on one huge trip to Europe and my ex asked if I was doing the same for my son. I told him that all of son’s Boy Scout camping trips added up was about equal. They both got to do what they really wanted to do.</p>
<p>We do try to keep things somewhat equal, perhaps to a greater extent than some who have responded. Regardless of how much less a dollar is worth with each passing year, we have given each the same modest amount as a graduation present. Thankfully, they aren’t the kind of kids who’d quibble about whose check was worth more in today’s economy.</p>
<p>We have decided to give each the same amount toward their weddings. Because we are in better shape financially now than we were when our oldest daughter got married, we are going to give the oldest daughter the difference between what we put toward her wedding and what we’re giving our middle daughter, and we’ll do the same thing when the youngest gets married, if it turns out that we feel comfortable increasing that amount (unlikely! :D). A college education might be worth more or less depending on the kid, the school, or the major. But a life event like a graduation or wedding seems as if it could be a minefield if parents choose to be more generous to one child than another. </p>
<p>emeraldkity, since your oldest d has chosen to remain estranged from you, I’d consider that a different situation, one in which you may well not feel the need to keep things equal.</p>
<p>This is a big “it depends” area. What have you been doing so far, and how have your kids responded? And what can you do now? How generous can you be? </p>
<p>I don’t remember getting a gift or my brothers getting one. Parents came to far away graduations, so maybe that was gift enough’</p>
<p>For my kids, I am going to okay it by ear. If someone needs a car, he will get a car. If someone wants a trip, he will get a trip. If there were a great discrepancy in the gift, I would probably ask whether the kid who got less was upset. </p>
<p>They don’t seem to keep score that way. My brothers and I didn’t either.</p>
<p>Fair is not always equal. Each gets what they need. We paid not a penny for S1’s education, so he is getting a mattress/bed and diploma framing. We are paying $$ for D’s schooling/living expenses. She’ll get a card and her diploma framed. She’ll be doing post grad work, so the flow of parental $$ is likely to continue to some degree, so I really don’t feel badly. If she was displeased with the “inequity”, I’d consider that part of our parenting a total failure :/. FWIW, I’m certain she won’t.</p>
<p>EK, I doublt that you can “buy” your way into your youngest D’s life. It still really bothers me that your H will go camping with her, but she won’t talk to you. I really think you AND your husband could benefit from some family counseling. Who knows, maybe this graduation milestone could be a turning point.</p>
<p>
That’s our mantra around here too. My first two of three needed lots of time/patience/help (emotionally and educationally). My oldest went to a school from 1-5 grades that was equal in cost to a college tuition. </p>
<p>We’ve never discussed the dollar amount, which is a good thing because my youngest would think as if we didn’t “love” him. It’s just that he didn’t need so much and comparing is not his nature. To this day, my youngest is still the most generous while my middle is the cheapest/most frugal. And guess which one makes the big bucks, is the least talkative, and the least genrous? My middle. I won’t even write about the Christmas gifts I got from them. (Not that I care, but it’s very telling.)</p>
<p>EK, I thought you and your oldest don’t get along. If it’s your youngest, I’d definitely point out that you’re giving her the same as her sister. She’s not going to bridge the gap with you because you bought her an expensive gift. Don’t play her game, because it can only get worse.</p>
<p>My younger sister tends to get more than I do when it comes to certain things. It is only logical, she is four years younger and most of the time my parents financial situation in any given period is better than it was four years before-- and our needs and wants are just different. There are times when the scale is tipped in my direction, too. I don’t really notice or care, but I would find it odd if my mom sent me money after the fact and told me it was because sister got more for her graduation than I did, or similar. Like, am I SUPPOSED to feel slighted? Mom doesn’t owe me anything, sister and I are NOT equal, we may be loved equally but we are two different people with different needs. I think if you show your guilty conscience you might make your D think you have something to feel guilty about when you don’t. And you dont want to encourage her to keep score, and how can you do that when you are keeping score yourself? You don’t want her to think, “oh, so sister’s graduation was more important, thanks for the consolation prize” – no reasonable adult or teenager would ever think such an ungrateful thought, but if you think she is keeping score I am afraid that’s how she’d see it. Or, “gee, you were more excited about sister’s graduation and she got a better gift, you love her more, you only gave me this money because you felt guilty.” It’s warped but I’m afraid either she has these kinds of thoughts or you are the only one who perceives any unevenness and you are trying to correct a problem that isn’t there. I hope it’s the latter.</p>
<p>We were taught not to broadcast it when mom and dad really go the extra mile for us. When my car broke down my dad and I made an arrangement to help me get a new one and they asked that I not tell her-- she has a car to drive that they provide but didn’t get the same deal I was offered because she didn’t need it and I did. If she found out I don’t think she would care, but why take that chance of hurting her feelings? We don’t rub things in each others faces. I am allowed to have a private relationship with my parents as is she, and some things are just not my sister’s business or my business. Although we are not always treated equally for every individual circumstance, I am sure over time it levels out. We get what we need when we need it.</p>
<p>This is an issue for us, as well. Our son is much younger than our daughters and our income has quadrupled since they were small. Also, there were two of them and one of him. We try to give them what they need, but we are much more affluent now. When D1 graduated from college, we paid for her to go on a trip with her girlfriends. She couldn’t have been more appreciative. For her master’s degree, she didn’t need anything, but since she was planning a big vacation as the last hurrah before saving for her downpayment, my husband gave her actual cash to splurge on that trip. D2 is going to graduate in May. Depending on grad school plans, we have agreed that we will either pay her airfare to Europe, pay for a class at a local college that she always wanted to take but couldn’t schedule in college, or help with living expenses for the summer after graduation if she gets a distant internship in her field.</p>
<p>Wow - I was sort of hoping for a “reverse graduation gift” and have my son pay back his tuition with that wonderful high paying engineering job I expect him to get!</p>
<p>or help with living expenses for the summer after graduation if she gets a distant internship in her field.</p>
<p>Now, I had thought that internships were for when they were still in school, but youngest has been telling me about the internships she has applied for after graduation.
Do they call them internships because they don’t pay them much? ( If I remember right, room & board is covered, but salary is minimal)</p>
<p>In my d’s field it is because they aren’t permanent positions. She is applying for post baccalaureate but pre graduate programs. They pay about $5000 for the summer, but if they are distant living expenses come into play. Depending on how pay is disbursed, so may not have enough cash at the start to front living expenses. Getting a doctorate in her field requires thousands of internship hours during and after college and during or after a master’s program.</p>
<p>She wants to do a master’s program in the fall after that, the internships are typically a year long and pay between $30 and $40,000 for the year.</p>
<p>I would give your daughter whatever you want to give her and try not to worry about equality. This is a gift and not the division of an estate. You should not feel the need to limit her present because of conflicts with her older sister.</p>
<p>ek4- Gift giving is one of life’s pleasures. I wouldn’t allow your older daughter to rob you of that pleasure. You seemed to be damned if you do and damned if you don’t. That being the case, I would do whatever you want to do. You deserve it!!!</p>
<p>In terms of actual gifts for my two kids, such as birthday, holiday, and graduation, we spend an equal amount for each kid. For college graduation, each got a big check. For birthdays and holidays, once they were old enough, we discussed their gifts with them and said we can spend X amount and asked them what they wanted and so the gifts are not surprise gifts. Other things like buying them clothes and such, are pretty equal. </p>
<p>But other things are not equal in dollars but more equal in OPPORTUNITY. For example, each got to go to the college of her choice and we did not compare the two tuitions. One chose to go to graduate school for four years that I’m paying for, and the other did not. But had she wanted to, she’d have been given the same opportunity.</p>
<p>emeraldkity…your kids are 8 years apart and you are also more financially able to give to your younger D for her graduation present. If you want to spend more, go ahead. I’m not sure your girls will even know what one another received. I would not send the older D the difference, as that is sorta weird. But for some other occasion or just because, you could do something for older D such as a gift certificate at some point. </p>
<p>I really hope your H can intervene in some fashion to strongly encourage your older D to reopen contact with you, since he is in contact with her and should really care about this for both your D’s and your sakes.</p>
<p>Our financial situation had improved significantly when son graduated, so we paid off his federal loans for him. I also bought him a couple pieces of luggage, since he was leaving immediately for a year in europe. Those were his grad presents.</p>
<p>I tried to give the kids more or less equivalent things when they were under our roof, but worry about it a lot less now. I do give graduation gifts, I can’t even remember what we gave our oldest so it would be difficult to even know what would be equivalent! In your shoes, I’d give the youngest a sum of money for the camping trip that is about the equivalent of whatever the equivalent of her sister’s present would cost today. Probably a little more dollarwise accounting for inflation, but I think it’s also fine to spend a little more on her if you want to and can afford it. I would not under any circumstances make up the difference with the older sister.</p>
<p>Wow, interesting thread considering the way we raised our kids. We don’t give them any gifts (birthdays, Christmas, etc.). We give them what they need throughout the year and they can convince their relatives to get them the gifts. We never wanted to create a sense of entitlements. The OP should spend the equivalent on all of the children’s gifts since this expectation was established long ago. More importantly, never buy a child’s love.</p>