How far do you go to treat your children equally?

Parent Cafe
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<p>We sent each kid a car in their last year at the U. For S, it was a BMW that was nearly as old as he was. For D, it was a Volvo that was only 6 years old. In our minds, they were both safe, solid gently used vehicles that the kids could use to get from one place to the next. Since S’s car died, his beloved aunt bequeathed him her old car that had only 25K miles on it and is in excellent condition. That is what he drives now.</p>

<p>We feel very fortunate that our kids don’t seem to be comparing and running a balance sheet. S came home and lived with us for about 6 months while he was waiting for his job clearance. D is living in LA on our dime while she tries to figure out internships and job opportunities in her field. It feels fair to us and neither kid has complained.</p>

<p>When S started college, his aunt gave him a significant gift, for him to use as he needed. He used it for spending money and other things over the four years of college. No one ever asked him for an accounting and he was very careful with his funds. D didn’t receive any comparable gift, but we paid for her full COA ourselves, including some funds for spending money. Both kids worked while attending college, and used their funds to pay for spending money and some living expenses as well.</p>

<p>If I had to do an accounting of funds we’ve spent on each kid and gifts we’ve given to each, neither I, nor H nor either kid could. We gave/give according to need, and continue to do so. No regrets.</p>

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<p>We do not try to treat our kids equally. They seem fine with the way we handle things. We have always helped them to the extent we can, but they are expected to take care of themselves financially after graduation. D has been able to do so. S graduates this spring. We will see what he does. </p>

<p>My in laws are very focused on treating their two children equally. H’s sister has borrowed quite a bit of money in recent years, and MIL told me that the amount she has borrowed is being deducted from SIL’s share of the in laws’ estate when the time comes. We expect that SIL will challenge that, but MIL is a smart cookie. She most likely has it written in such a way that SIL won’t have any recourse. H and I figure it’s all “found” money - we aren’t about to argue over something we didn’t earn. It will be interesting to see what happens down the road (I hope a long way down the road).</p>

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<p>Fortunately, we have not loaned money to either kid, nor to the best of my knowledge have my folks loaned money to anyone. It makes things a lot “cleaner” if these issues don’t become part of the picture. I agree that any inheritances are nice, surprising windfalls. These days, the chances of them happening and being significant sums are more and more remote (especially with the rising cost of eldercare and medical care).</p>

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<p>In my immediate and extended family, gifts for holidays and birthdays were viewed as something “for the kids”. </p>

<p>Once someone turns 18 or graduates high school and is thus, considered an adult in their eyes, the gifts stop. </p>

<p>Any comparing or complaining about “gifts and fairness” because one felt shortchanged tended to be regarded as behaviors of ingrate spoiled brats and punished accordingly. Never seen or experienced this firsthand, but overheard stories about what happened to some older cousins when they pulled that “I’m shortchanged” stunt before I was born.</p>

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<p>We did not give any of our kids college graduation gifts. We both thought that an undergraduate degree (with no debt) was a large enough gift all by itself. </p>

<p>We did give gifts after high school - a laptop which they’d need in college.</p>

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<p>I posted that to illustrate how different families could have different views on matters like gift giving or handling the sibling claims of “being shortchanged”. </p>

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<p>Incidentally, my family would regard laptops as no different than paying tuition or buying essentials related to college education like buying textbooks or paying lab fees for courses requiring them. </p>

<p>I know there are families who pay tuition, but expect students to figure out paying for the textbooks. Something which never made sense to me as I feel college tuition and textbooks are closely intertwined.</p>

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<p>Financially, my sister always received more. I was fortunate in that my health was fine and I had a decent profession. They were there for us emotionally, though I am sure in different ways. I know they gave to other relatives, but it was their earned money. When I moved to be nearer to them, we all benefitted. They would entertain my son (& often his friend) on school holidays when he was little, etc., and we spent a few years caring for them later on. </p>

<p>When my son received a small inheritance, he wanted lasik eye surgery, so he could go without contacts/glasses. I had no idea he had been thinking about this for some time.</p>

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<p>We also considered laptops and school books part of educational expenses and not particularly a “gift.” We did give each kid a family HS (but no college) graduation party, which we all enjoyed. Some family and friends gave monetary or other gifts to the graduates, HS and/or college.</p>

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<p>When I was little, we always got cash in our Christmas stockings at Granny’ s house. It took me a long time to figure out that she was making everyone’s gift come out equal to the penny.</p>

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<p>Focus on fair, not equal.</p>

<p>I have a new birthday formula that’s working well now that they’re all in their 20s: I give a check in the amount of their age x $4. Since I started that when the eldest was 25, it kind of evens out since he started later but gets more for his oldness. Meh.</p>

<p>I didn’t give graduation gifts and we all stopped exchanging Hanukkah presents a few years ago. But we are extremely close, and there are things we give throughout the year, some quite large (MOG wedding check, months of support following a car accident, free housing during grad school… it’s all big stuff now). So they correctly think of us as generous, even though we don’t do any more small gifts (except birthdays, I just can’t stop myself).</p>

<p>When I was growing up, I had a brother with severe mental illness who extracted a double portion of emotional and financial energy from my parents. My other brother and I always understood he needed “more” and we just wanted him to stay alive. What was “fair” was that we 3 sibs all lived into adulthood. That he required more money for that was not equal, but it was fair.</p>

<p>While I didn’t and don’t resent how the money was budgeted around us 3 sibs differently, I did and do find it cloying when my parents continued to talk double-time about my brother. They seemed more interested and much more worried about him, all the time. As a byproduct, they never really inquired much about my other brother or me, because their minds were so preoccupied. It’s sad. I accept it, but it’s sad.</p>

<p>Try not to spend your younger daughter’s precious time with you talking about the problems around her older sister. Honestly I think that’s more significant than the dollar amount of gifts. Give her your full attention when together, and try not to bring up the other daughter to her. I agree: I wish your H would ask more of your estranged D to reconnect with you, perhaps to make a new overture in your direction as a prerequisite for his company or the next camping trip. </p>

<p>ETA: It’s something very basic about a family that I think we should insist upon: you are free to disagree and differ, but not free to shut down and stop communicating <em>forever</em> with either parent. It sounds hard to bear, and I am so sorry it’s happening to you, EK. Can you ask your H to take a stand on your behalf here?</p>

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<p>Well, we try to be as equal as we can. We offered both a college education, but understand the price increases every year. We will pay more for college for the youngest, but she won’t get “more” than a college education. We offered to help with a car, based on how much under budget college was. One may get more than the other, but both get substantial help with a car. And yes, grad presents will be more or less equal, too. If they got cash, it’d be equal amounts. If they want to travel, it’d be more or less equal (a more expensive destination for one, for example, would result in a shorter trip). As it stands, both have asked for a piece of my jewelry. Value fluctuates on one with the price of gold, but they each get a piece of jewelry. </p>

<p>I know fair and equal are two different things, but I don’t have kids with vastly different needs.</p>

52

<p>I treat generally equal, but not down to the penny. And if I go clothes shopping with D, I don’t feel the need to buy clothing for S who doesn’t care. </p>

<p>We had planned on getting the kids (identical) cars at graduation. They have not had a car to date and have just shared our family cars when home. Should one of them be in an urban setting where it makes no sense (eg NYC), not sure what I’d do. Maybe it becomes a chit to use later, or maybe I give an equivalent amount - don’t know.</p>

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<p>“Any comparing or complaining about “gifts and fairness” because one felt shortchanged tended to be regarded as behaviors of ingrate spoiled brats and punished accordingly. Never seen or experienced this firsthand, but overheard stories about what happened to some older cousins when they pulled that “I’m shortchanged” stunt before I was born.”</p>

<p>How were they “punished”?</p>

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<p>Paying3Tuitions…I concur. Focus on the child at home, and make him/her feel loved and important. Never let them feel like an afterthought. Money is not what makes a kid feel loved…in fact, I’d argue that finding non-monetary ways of making the kids feel important is far more meaningful.</p>

<p>As far as those kids who push our buttons…I’m a firm believer that you teach people how to treat you. If a child of mine chose to ignore me for months on end, and my husband didn’t stand by my side, I’d not be able to hide my hurt and extreme disappointment. Husband would not like the results of his choice to side with a petulant adult child whose actions are so egregiously selfish and hurtful. In our family you talk it out…either right away or in a reasonable timeframe. Maybe a day or two max of icy coolness would be tolerated before a family pow wow was mandated.</p>

<p>No parent deserves that kind of treatment. Hope 2014 is a turning point for you, EK.</p>

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<p>Getting lectured to in a loud manner by parents/aunts/uncles*, cutting off of all gifts for that occasion and a few months afterwards, extra chores around the house/garage, grounding for a few months, etc. </p>

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<li>Lectures on the theme of “When I grew up in the wartorn China during the Imperial Japanese invasion/Communist takeover” and about how the extent of poverty and deprivation in that period or in 1950’s Taiwan is unimaginable to children like them lucky enough to grow up in the US. They grew to dread those reminiscences during extended family gatherings or get togethers. In contrast, I developed a strong interest in history partially from listening to those very reminiscences.</li>
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<p>I know there are families who pay tuition, but expect students to figure out paying for the textbooks. Something which never made sense to me as I feel college tuition and textbooks are closely intertwined.</p>

<p>But the student can decide what books to pay full price for, which ones to get out of the free box at the school bookstore & which ones to rent.
If they are just given enough to buy all brand new, that could take away incentive to save money in an area where it is really easy to do so.</p>

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<p>We generally try to keep big things equal- everyone gets debt free undergrad, everyone gets the same amount for birthdays (we did the years times X for a while, too), graduation gifts are the same, each kid gets the same level of help with a car, etc.</p>

<p>Our kids are not 8 years apart, the graduations were clustered close enough together that inflation did not matter, but I see EK wanting to perhaps do a bigger gift than she did the first time. Do what you want and if you find an occasion with D1, give her a gift of the balance without describing it as that.</p>

<p>There is a certain amount of to each according to their needs, travel opportunities in HS & University, sports or arts, other ECs, etc. Some of our kids graduated from different HSs, some got class rings & announcements, some did not based on the HS culture. I did not go back and buy the others a make up ring!</p>

<p>I have one who completely does not keep track and is grateful for anything, it is very attractive. She always fills the car with gas when she uses it, etc. That makes me want to do more.</p>

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<p>This really is a YMMV depending on the personality and inclination of each individual student. I’ve seen plenty of students whose families paid for full books and tuition who did their best to hunt down used books with the incentive that the difference goes into a discretionary spending account or retained by parents for future book/college expenses. </p>

<p>Also, not every course textbook or school will have enough or any used books available…especially if professors switch to a new edition and insist students use it. </p>

<p>As for the free box, this is the first time I’ve heard of such an option as it didn’t exist at my LAC when I attended nor does it exist in most Boston or NYC colleges I know of. In the latter, there are so many used book resellers hovering around on the last day that students who want to get rid of their books for some cash will tend to go with them. Especially if they’re under some time pressure from dorm authorities/families to leave campus asap. </p>

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<p>The ease of saving by buying used really depends on the type of course and availability of used textbooks, if it’s even applicable. </p>

<p>While I’ve bought used whenever I could, I understand how difficult it may be when the used books aren’t available or worse, the instructor/course is new with no previous used books at that given college. </p>

<p>Granted, I attended college before the internet had online and other options. Then again, that’s offset by witnessing more recent college/grad students complaining of online merchants being late with the delivery of needed texts…sometimes by as much as 6 weeks into the term.</p>

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<p>"This really is a YMMV depending on the personality and inclination of each individual student. I’ve seen plenty of students whose families paid for full books and tuition who did their best to hunt down used books with the incentive that the difference goes into a discretionary spending account or retained by parents for future book/college expenses. "</p>

<p>My D is sitting here next to me searching Amazon and other sites for the best deals on her books. But it’s not because I’m giving her the difference in a spending account. It’s just because she knows it’s responsible to spend mom and dad’s money responsibly. She’s just as frugal as if it were her own money.</p>

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<p>Not far at all. We have seven kids. Two out of college so far. We did not give graduation gifts, but we paid for private colleges for both, and some travel for kid#2. We attended the graduations and took them out to dinner. Kids 3 and 4 are both taking full rides, and we promised them cars when they graduate (like a decent used car–around 10K or so). Although this will only be a fraction of what was spent for the first two, it is what we can do in the situation we’re in. There is a little resentment with kid#4, because he is not able to go to his preferred college. We can’t afford it because we spent too much on the older sibs. Kids all know that due to the sacrifices the whole family made for their educations, the first two kids won’t inherit a cent from us when the time comes (if there is anything). Kids 5-7 will likely go to our public colleges because that is what we can afford.
Our goal is to get all our kids through college debt free. But it will be different for each kid. We made some unwise (imo) decisions due to our (H and my) disagreement on how $ should be spent and what is affordable, so it is now impossible to be “fair/equal.”
Gifts are somewhat random, and no one has ever gotten out a calculator or pointed out that others got more gifts or more valuable gifts. For high school grads, we give $500 toward a computer/printer, etc. That will stay the same.</p>

<p>When we were growing up (also in a large family) my parents taught us “Life isn’t fair.” And we had another family motto: “You take what you get, and you LIKE it!” (in other words, no complaining.) Things were never “equal”–except when we had to split a 16oz bottle of soda 3 ways–we’d have a ruler next to the glasses, measuring to the nearest mm. One sis is an accountant, and she equalizes nieces’ and nephews’ gifts to the penny. And she also thinks about things like: “Now that I’m over 50 and still single, should I ask mom and dad for that money they saved for my wedding?” (Probably about 2-3K, what was spent on other sisters’ weddings 25+ years ago.) Also, she, as an adult would point out all the time our parents spent babysitting another sib’s kids. Well, she didn’t have any kids, so how could mom “babysit” for her?</p>