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<p>And that proves the point I was making though I could have been clearer on students taking stewardship of their parents’ money as seriously as their own.</p>
<p>I really feel sorry for people who are so fixated on having things always be EXACTLY equal and FAIR. It really seems to miss the point that gifts are a joyous expression of affection of one person to another, whether it cost very little but took time and care to make or was costly but a purchase that didn’t require the giver to create. </p>
<p>It seems that folks who are always weighing and comparing aren’t nearly as happy as those who have an attitude of gratitude for kindnesses they receive from any source and are able to bestow in like manner.</p>
<p>Cobrat,</p>
<p>The reason I paid for tuition (the amount remaining after the student loan) but not books is that I personally have limited resources and I do think that there should be shared responsibility for college. I think my kids are very fortunate in that I was willing to finance them going off to private colleges – many of their high school classmates stayed home and went to community college or the local CSU. </p>
<p>I had a very simple arrangement: I paid the bill that came from the Bursar, my kids paid everything else. It just kept the accounting simple – and as noted, students have some control over which books they purchased and when. I assumed that was where their work study earnings would be applied. If there was an added materials fee for a course, then I paid it – because it was billed from the Bursar. I’m not making decisions based on the value or purpose of the expenditure – it’s just that I also expected my kids to shoulder some degree of financial responsibility for their own educations.</p>
<p>And I did also give my kids extra gifts from time to time – so it is not as if I was refusing to pay for anything beyond tuition and dorm fees.</p>
<p>“Forgot about that-we did get a frame for older son”</p>
<p>We should do that…and mine while we are at it!</p>
<p>Framed all of mine when older brother did. His are displayed in his office walls. Mine are in my closet because I work from home. Our kids’ U gave them nice enough holders for their diplomas. Neither have voiced any interest in framing them. None of us are quite sure where H’s are.</p>
<p>I don’t think parents need to worry about keeping things scrupulously equal except in situations that are obviously comparable. I’d be pretty hurt if my parents had given me 1,000 dollars upon graduation, and given my brother 5k, for instance, because unless there was some clear reason for it, it would just be blatant favoritism. Otherwise, I have no idea who has been given more money over the years. My parents step in generously as the situation requires it. So far, I think my brother has come out ahead, since they are paying for his MA and I have a stipend, but that’s just how life goes. If I struggle finding a job, I know they’ll be willing to help me out as well. </p>
<p>Counting your parents money to the penny in that way is just distasteful.</p>
<p>When I send D on a plane back to her college (and I drive S back to his), I don’t give S the cost of the plane fare. Both my kids need vision correction - one has glasses and the other contacts - but I never thought to “equalize” the spending. I pay for S’s fraternity but D has no such corresponding sororities at her school. </p>
<p>My sister is 8 years younger than me. My parents threw a lavish 16th bday party for her that they didn’t for me. She was a social butterfly and I’m an introvert. Didn’t bother me. </p>
<p>I think the idea of “retro-paying” the difference in the graduation gift is silly.</p>
<p>Money is very tight and we can not afford to do for all three at the same time. My children realize this and are grateful for any help we can provide.</p>