How has being an "only child" affected your son or daughter?

MNFlyer · July 27, 2011, 11:58am

A bit off topic, but hopefully of interest… during the parents’ portion of our daughter’s orientation days at UW Madison, the presenter asked our group of parents “How many of you shared a bedroom when you were growing up?”. Most parents raised their hands. Then he asked “How many of your children shared a bedroom?” Few raised their hands. The presenter pointed out that because of smaller families and larger homes, fewer young people have learned how to get along with roommates at home. Learning how to get along with roommates at close quarters could be a bit of a challenge for some freshman, he said.

Again, only slightly related to the OP’s topic, one thing that has been gratifying to us as the parents of three children has been to see how well they interact with each other now that they’ve grown up. The youngest is 18, the oldest 26. They like each other, and help each other out with the various projects they encounter in life. They choose to spend time together.

For example, my youngest, our 18 year old daughter never seemed interested in little kids or babies as she was growing up. She turned down chances to babysit for neighbors etc. Now her oldest brother and sister-in-law have a 10 month old boy. Luckily they live only 30 minutes from us, and my daughter adores the little one. Tonight she’ll babysit for my oldest and his wife, and they’ll get a well deserved night off.

This makes me feel like we must have done something right, parenting wise.

Anyway, thanks for provoking these thoughts, sorry that they’re a bit off topic.

NJSue · July 27, 2011, 12:01pm

I have an only child. I know her experience has been different than mine was, with siblings. Mainly, she has not had to compete for things and adult attention to the same extent as we did. However, she is also lonelier. We do not have a big extended family, so she hasn’t had sibling proxies in the form of cousins, etc. It also took her a while to learn the instinctive social bargaining and give/take dynamic that kids with siblings tend to pick up naturally.

I have to laugh at the idea that being an “only” is some terrible thing that you would have to avoid in a potential partner. Look on the bright side. Many people who marry into big families hate all the family drama they get sucked into with their spouse’s dysfunctional relatives. When you marry an only, you have less of that to contend with! Plus, when we die, our DD will inherit all our money (or what’s left of it).

kinderny · July 27, 2011, 12:08pm

And on that note, our only child sometimes cruises through our house pointing and saying, “And that’s mine and that’s mine and that’s mine.” Of course referring to our ultimate demise. She laughs and laughs, and it is infectious. So we consider any support she must provide us in our old age as payback. (All kidding of course- both she and I).

reeinaz · July 27, 2011, 12:17pm

My son is an only and he certainly has no sense of entitlement. I’m sure sometimes he wishes there were someone to take all the attention away from him. Poor kid never gets away with anything. Who else is he going to blame stuff on…lol.

Consolation · July 27, 2011, 12:19pm

MD Mom, if my son ever dates someone from MD I’ll check back to make sure it isn’t one of your kids. I wouldn’t want him to be subjected to a MIL who regards him as innately flawed. I had enough of that from my own MIL, who was prejudiced against anyone from my region of the country, which led her to make similar assumptions.

I have an only child, not by choice. I see both his flaws and his strengths. He is very strong-willed, by nature, and this is compounded by a high degree of intelligence. Nevertheless, he is modest about his intellect: for example, when congratulated on his stellar performance on national language exams (one year he was first in our state in 2 languages), smilingly said, “Oh, I just test well.” He is not inclined to be compliant, and I very much wish that he would be more cooperative in some ways. Yet he is very resistant to peer pressure, demands neither attention nor material things, and his HS teachers described him as “kind.” He went to full-time day care 3 days a week starting at 18 months old, to accommodate my work schedule, and I think that accustomed him to having to share and cooperate with other children and adults. He has never had a problem sharing with room mates, from 7th grade on. Except–and I think this is the crux of the issue–with one friend, also an only, whose parents treat him like a tin god.

All except one of the adults and older children I know who have an “I’m so special” mentality, huge egos, and who must have everything done their way are from families with multiple children. I don’t think that the number of children has much to do with it. Some were indulged in material ways and neglected emotionally: they seem to be the worst in some respects.

It is wonderful to have a loving relationship with supportive siblings, and I wish he had that, but even some of us who do have a sibling don’t have it, unfortunately.

Of course any parent is crushed if something happens to one of their children. But let me tell you there is a big difference between still having a child and having NONE. It does matter.

SWTCAT · July 27, 2011, 12:42pm

I am the mother of an “only” and I must say I am shocked and apalled at MDmom’s post…I too will make sure my daughter stays far away from you kids…

My daughter is also well adjusted and my husband and I have taken great pains to make sure that she is not spoiled…in fact we probably overdo it a little. Does she occasionally have issues with sharing? Yes she does, but it is something that she has had to work on and we call her out on it when necessary. She would tell you that she is happy she is an only because she sees the benefits that she has that her friends with siblings don’t. I do pray that she marries into a big family and maybe has sisters-in laws that she can be close with.

Both my H and I have a brother and neither of us are close to them…in fact, his parents so blatantly favored his brother that there is psycological damage to this day for both of them…so having siblings or not having them is not always what makes a person…what it boils down to is how you parent, whether there is one child or many.

katliamom · July 27, 2011, 1:53pm

I was an only child; at 13 I became one of five (step/half siblings)!
So I have a lot of insight into both.
As a kid I LOVED being the center of my parents’ lives. I thought the world revolved around me… because it did. Entitled? Yup. Self-absorbed? Yup. Used to getting my own way? You betcha. I wasn’t spoiled per se, just used to being adored, lol.
Then my parents divorced, my mother married a man with 3 children from his previous marriage, and they had a child together. So in a year I got 4 siblings, and we all lived together. A smaller brady bunch.

I lucked out: my step brothers/sister were great kids and we all by and large got along. I was the oldest by 2 years and therefore still retained my ‘leader of the pack’ status even though before I was in a pack of only one.

When asked which I liked better – to be the only child or to be part of a large family – I knew instantly: it’s a lot more fun to have siblings. To see someone else go through stuff. To watch someone else grow up and change. To have someone to “share my story.”

Certainly for only children some things are harder: to be the only one in the family to fulfill parental expectations; or to have no one to share the burden of taking care of elderly parents.

That said, I don’t think that only children are somehow harmed. They grow out of their self absorption and sense of entitlement just like self absorbed, entitled kids from big families do.

In life there is no one perfect scenario, whether we’re talking about family size, or way of life.

Planestate · July 27, 2011, 2:14pm

Great thread! I hope the OP will weigh in with their thoughts too.

We have an only D by choice. I felt too old/tired/stressed at 34 for a second child and life was so wonderful with D we didn’t want to disrupt the flow.

The major problem that I see is that D has always felt more mature than her classmates. We have probably spent too much time discussing politics and philosophy at home, and not enough time teaching her to have fun. As a result she feels ill at ease with the silliness factor that is so important for adolescent relationships. Adults always think she is 10 years older than she is. I know she regrets being an only, as we live in an area where everyone seems to have at least 3 kids. She will be a HS senior this year, and is a bit apprehensive about the roommate issue when it comes time to go to college. However she is looking forward to college, and the opportunity to find a social group that suits her.

I have 2 siblings, but aside from yearly gatherings we have very little contact. We do take turns visiting our elderly mother, but she is still very self sufficient.

One thing I have assured my daughter is that my husband and I will move in to an assisted care facility when the time comes. We also had an iron clad living trust prepared, designating a guardian until she is 18 and an executor until she is 35.

lookingforward · July 27, 2011, 2:37pm

*I have to laugh at the idea that being an “only” is some terrible thing that you would have to avoid in a potential partner. Look on the bright side. *

Being an only is not a guarantee of terrible. I think MDMom was speaking a little tongue-in-cheek. I think that because I am married to one. Is DH kind, sensitive and self-effacing, when appropriate? Absolutely. Sense of entitlement? None. He is dedicated to our family, loved by friends, important in his career. I adore him. But, his perspective is different.

In that respect, there are many differences in family composition or style that can yield challenges.

scout59 · July 27, 2011, 3:01pm

My D is an only - I was one of three and H was one of 5. Neither of us wanted multiple kids; let’s just say that not all sibling relationships are good sibling relationships.

I know D has many faults, but a sense of entitlement is not one of them. She’s hard-working and thrifty (almost miserly) with money, personable and friendly with other people. Like Planestate’s D, mine is pretty mature for her age, but that’s not always a fault; for example, I think it really helped her with job and internship interviews. I don’t think she’s spoiled or even particularly self-absorbed, because we tried very very hard to keep her feet on the ground when she was growing up. I’ve had acquaintances express surprise when they found out she had no siblings because "she doesn’t act like an only child."Pray tell, what does THAT mean?

And she’s had no problems with dating or romantic relationships either. It’s good that not everyone shares MDMom’s bias!

At one time I was very touchy about the “only child stigma.” Exactly WHO has the right to be the arbiter of optimal family size?! The major downside I see to only child-dom is the lack of sibling interaction; even though I am not particularly close to my siblings (and H rarely sees his), I realize that yes, D is missing out in this area. But you know what? No family is perfect, and no family size is perfect.

There are benefits to having and being an only - only one college education to save for! D will have no college loans to repay because we were able to save enough.

musicamusica · July 27, 2011, 3:29pm

My D is a one and only and is perfect. 'Nuff said.

But seriously…the biggest difference between D and her friends is her facility at making friends and networking. She has always been able to “work a room” like nobodies business and never feels intimidated by a persons age, credentials or social status. I think this is pretty typical of only children.

geezermom · July 27, 2011, 3:52pm

Both of my parents were only children. My father was a prince (though I loved him dearly), and my mother was a shy and retiring person who never asked much for herself. Their life circumstances, not their only-ness, made them who they were. And then they had five children.

I have an only son who people routinely refer to as “such a nice guy.” He isn’t entitled because we haven’t treated him that way. He’s modest and unassuming–sometimes too much so, I think. He likes his personal space, but he makes friends very easily and his peers seem to genuinely like and respect him.

He has a large group of cousins, and I hope he keeps them as his extended family as he gets older. He also has two half-sisters, but his relationship with them is more distant. Like others, of course I fret a bit about his life after we’re gone, but people form families in different ways, and judging from the way he forms friendships I’m sure he’ll be fine.

My BIL, an expert in birth order, says that only children are astute observers of human nature–a statement that contradicts the assertion that they’re self-absorbed. People who stereotype onlies tend to jump to the conclusion that being a single child made them that way, when really so many factors come into play. My S spent grades 1-8 in a class with the same 24 kids (give or take a few). It was astounding how many of them were only and oldest children. His class is still remembered with great fondness as one of the kindest, gentlest classes to have gone through the school.

I don’t think he would say there have been negatives about having no brothers and sisters. This spring at my mother’s funeral, the grandchildren stood up in groups of siblings, and one child from each family spoke. When my son’s turn came, he walked to the podium, looked out with a nervous little smile, and said, “Only child!” He might have been feeling it then. On the other hand, at about age 10 he said to me, “You know, Mom, the good thing about being an only child is you’re really good at talking to yourself.”

Gwen_Fairfax · July 27, 2011, 5:07pm

True, it does sound awful. I wish it was more unusual. My husband is an only and I think that’s part of why he is so generous, and listens so well. He has no ingrained sense of competing for resources or attention. D is an only too, and is always the one who jumps up to help with the dishes or whatever, gives up her place in line, etc. The meanness she has suffered because of being an only (mostly from oldest children, I’ve noticed) has been really incredible. I’m guessing that’s thanks to parents like MDmom. Anyone interested in this subject might want to read “Maybe One” by Bill McKibben, which talks about the psychology of the only child, what studies have shown about onlies vs. kids with siblings.

I think a lot of parents deal with sibling rivalry by saying “You should just be glad you have a chance to learn to share, so you won’t be a spoiled only child.” etc.

geezermom · July 27, 2011, 6:10pm

^^I’d never thought of that. My son isn’t innately competitive, either. Around the house, he just had to compete with the dog. Both my H and I are first-borns, which makes us a combination of bossy and defensive. With both of us, our next-youngest sibling attracted a lot of negative attention, and we were pretty much on our own.

One thing that parents of only children deal with is having every milestone be the only one. Every “first” is also a “last.” That’s sometimes bittersweet for me–but sometimes not, as in sending him away to college. I’m glad I only had to do that once.

capenn15 · July 27, 2011, 6:39pm

^^^^ geezermom - am so with you on the “first” and “last”. I could have written that last paragraph.

Our only isn’t as social as others onlys…but he is able to join in activities that he really likes and doesn’t need someone to be with him. He’s played lots of sports, joined clubs, taken classes where he knew no one before he started and he’s perfectly fine.

Our only is not spoiled…I’m the one who is always trying to get him more “stuff” and he says no. He’s pretty frugal and spends his money wisely. He’s had to deal with all kinds of kids in Boy Scouts and I think he’s happy being an only. He purposely asked for a double at college…he wants the whole experience I guess LOL.

Emaheevul07 · July 27, 2011, 6:48pm

I can see why being an only would cause a lesser level of competitiveness. We have no only-children in this family, but nothing makes the sibling-rivalry more potent like being the oldest of two parents who were the youngest in their family-- I think some would be surprised how significant the parents’ birth order is in how the birth order affects the kids perceptions of sibling competition. The level of disparity between how the youngest in this family is treated verses the older kids is almost pathologically ridiculous.

The only only child I think I ever knew was the biggest snob I’d ever met, but he had lovely parents and wasn’t spoiled at all. He was just a snob! We were best friends for the entirety of elementary school, until he decided at the end of 5th grade to develop a points system to determine who could remain friends with him. Knowing his mother she’d have been mortified if she’d known he behaved that way, but I suppose he had no siblings to rat him out!

nymom2014 · July 27, 2011, 6:56pm

I am an only child, and my daughter is an only also. I personally had a so-so experience, the neighborhood kids were mean to me and I had no big brother to help me out…definitely made me much more independent. (This was in India). Husband had 6 siblings! They were a few years apart, but it was very hard on him, especially since his father lost his job so there was a really crunch for food/money, which sort of influenced our decision to have an only child-wanted to give her enough attention, time and resources, the things that Dad didn’t have.

Daughter is a good kid, helps with chores, and we have certainly tried to make sure that she isn’t spoiled! She doesn’t have a problem with sharing, although she was sort of introverted in middle school, much more outgoing in high school and is better at developing close relationships/networking. She has faults, but overall, she’s a decent kid. :)

MizzBee · July 27, 2011, 8:54pm

My S is an only, and he does not feel entitled, though he does expect a certain amount of attention. I, myself, though not an only child, was always raised by my parents to believe that my opinion matters, and I have raised him in the same vein. He is comfotable around adults. Sharing was never really an issue, since he started preschool at 3, and has always been very social with play dates and extracurriculars.

One thing that I think is interesting is that while looking at schools he will only apply to schools with an active greek life. He has stated several times that he wants a brotherhood. By the same token, if I never saw my sister again, I would be fine. Family is what you make it.

surfcity · July 27, 2011, 9:38pm

I grew up as an only child. In that era (60’s-70’s) I found it very unusual and I did not know any other only children, so that bothered me. I hated feeling “different” from everyone else. Today there are many more onlies, so I don’t think that is as much of an issue.

I do think being an only made me much better able to converse with adults and people of other ages. My parents took me everywhere - on vacation we always ate in nice restaurants with no kids menus, went to museums, etc. I remember going away for a weekend with a friend and her sibs and we ate at a boardwalk fish fry place - I thought that was so cool because i’d never done that.

We discussed politics at the table (somewhat due to my dad’s job) and current events. I was also mature in a lot of my decisions about school and peer pressure, because I had no siblings at home to say, “Hey don’t listen to mom/dad, let’s sneak out tonight/break curfew/etc” Heck no one to even agree with me that my parents were square or dorky or whatever teenagers think their parent are.

So those things are pluses, but they are also minuses. I think I would have had a more typical teenage experience with siblings. Onlies are notorious perfectionists and that is a lot of stress to grow up with. When your parents only have one kid and one team of softball to go to, it’s a lot of pressure. Sometimes I would have liked for them to have another kid to distract them from me!

In this phase of my life, I really wish I had siblings. My parents are aging, and I am dreading the possibility that I may need to manage their healthcare, etc etc on my own. My husband is great and very supportive, but I really wish I had a sister or brother I could confer with. I know not everyone gets along with their siblings, but I still think it would help.

Also, it is hard around holidays. If my family goes to my in-laws for Christmas, say, my parents don’t have another child/grandchildren to visit. Yes, they can go to my aunt’s and her grandchildren, but i feel guilty that they don’t see their grandkids on a big holiday.

Other pluses are, I am very comfortable being alone, and I guess I won’t have to fight with anyone over the inheritance! :)

emeraldkity4 · July 27, 2011, 10:18pm

I think a lot of parents deal with sibling rivalry by saying “You should just be glad you have a chance to learn to share, so you won’t be a spoiled only child.” etc.

Iv’e never * thought* that, let alone said it.

I have two kids who are 8 years apart- so they are in several ways similar to only children.
My mother was an only child, my father had two 1/2 sisters who were younger. One lived with my dad & his mother & step father, the other one lived with his dad & his father’s 3rd wife ( he eventually married 5 X- grandpa- not my dad)

I was born in the late 50’s, one of three kids which seems to have been a very common number. ( but we all had our own bedroom & even our own seat to ourselves in the family microbus!)

How has being an "only child" affected your son or daughter?

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