How has being an "only child" affected your son or daughter?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I can only speak of my own experience. I was an only child and did not like it. I did not have a sense of entitlement and have known plenty of people with siblings who had a far greater sense of entitlement than I ever did. I was not spoiled. I was lonely. I think I would have had better social skills had I had siblings to fight with and to “toughen up” with. </p>

<p>My mother was ill most of my childhood and died when I was fifteen so there was a lot of energy expended around the crisis her health precipitated and so my “only child” experience was not one where all the energy in the family was directed toward me. My father died when I was eighteen, leaving me effectively alone in the world. It would have made a huge difference if I’d had siblings to call family after that, but it’s partially a fantasy, because not everyone has a good experience with siblings and some have siblings who make their lives hell. But when I see my husband sitting around with his siblings talking about childhood memories, I do wish there was someone who knew me then, who grew up in the same house, who had shared memories. But I think my experience of being an only child is different than others because of the premature end of a family circle. I’ve known wonderful families with one cherished child that are close and where the child gets to have wonderful experiences traveling (something that is a lot easier with fewer kids) and enriched activities. I myself went on to have four kids. I guess I wanted to experience the sibling relationship as a parent and to try to ensure that my kids would have family to grow old with.</p>

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<p>What does entitled mean in the American context? This is one of the richest country in the world. Compared to the third world where majority of humanity lives, all American kids are super-entitled and spoiled.</p>

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<p>What does entitled mean in the American context? This is one of the richest country in the world. Compared to the third world where majority of humanity lives, all American kids are super-entitled and spoiled.</p>

<p>Is this your own opinion IP? Or are you the spokesperson for * the majority of humanity*.
:rolleyes:</p>

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<p>I think the worst thing about being an only child is having to deal with people like MD Mom. </p>

<p>As for dealing with aging parents, from what I’ve seen it doesn’t matter how many siblings there are, the vast majority of the care falls to one person. </p>

<p>We wanted a lot of children but circumstances dictated that we have one child. As much I wish I’d had more children, I can clearly see all the ways it benefited my son to be the only child.</p>

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<p>Some people seem to forget that many, MANY families in the US live in poverty. Just because they may have brick walls instead of grass walls, or may have indoor plumbing, does not make them entitled or spoiled. Sheesh.</p>

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<p>My only has recently expressed wish for a sib, as he misses the close rel’shp I have with my sister. His closest friends growing up now have good rel’shps with their sibs. Growing up, he hosted all the overnights because there were no younger sibs that had to be included in the game. He also worries about my death.</p>

<p>He is happiest when he has a g/f and close friends. He likes living in a dorm (even in grad school) where he and rm/mt share a suite. </p>

<p>Mimk, losing both parents so young is just sad.</p>

<p>As far as anyone ruling out a future mate because of being an only, I suspect there is a long checklist of requirements. I was speaking to a 21 y.o. girl yesterday who is having trouble finding someone to date who is religious, well-groomed, good teeth, educated, at least middle class–to meet her parents’ standards, let alone that he share some of her interests.</p>

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<p>I am an only child and mother of two girls. I think I read a lot more than my peers, had a much larger vocabulary and was much more aware of the world by being in such close interactions with adults. On the bad side, I felt a lot of pressure from my mom and grandma to succeed, sometimes so much it have way to panic attacks and a severe anxiety disorder…although that wasn’t the only cause.</p>

<p>I don’t think I ever felt entitled but I did feel taken aback by the notion of sharing a dorm room…it was a grieving period, the loss of space and silence. I do think being an only helped push me into being a good student and helped me graduate from college and become a RN despite having a baby at 19 and 21. Not only did I have the drive, I also didn’t have to share resources with siblings so never once had to worry about childcare or monetary support in desperate days.</p>

<p>I would say there were more benefits to being an only child, still I am so happy I have two girls and they each have a sister. :)</p>

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<p>I agree, pugmadkate, and I’m kind of glad MDmom came out and said what she did, so evidence of that prejudice is out there. (Imagine if that post had referenced an ethnicity instead of only children?)</p>

<p>But–OP-- while I’d say onlies tend to be less ‘spoiled’ or entitled, I think they long to be members of a group, to feel a sense of belonging. Both H and D really feel the need to have their own group, while I, who grew up in a big family, am just glad to have some peace and quiet by myself! D dreams of having 2 girls, just like you, mspearl!</p>

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<p>What an interesting discussion! I’m not an only but both of my parents were. The fact that I had no (first) aunts, uncles, and cousins, growing up was unfortunate, and remains a sad thing today. My mother did have aunts and uncles, and cousins, who were part of our extended family and who we saw often. Because my parents had married so young, and because my mother’s mother was the eldest in her family, many of these cousins, although older than I was, were fairly close in age to me and my siblings. My father’s parents both died when he was young and he was raised by a grandmother and several aunts. Due to family dynamics, we rarely saw any of them.</p>

<p>When I became a mother, it was only then that I fully realized what I perceive as the benefits of having siblings. I don’t necessarily agree that the bickering is something important to experience ;), but I look at my Ds now and the close relationships they have with each other and it’s a joy for me as a mom. Although it’s sometimes true that the bulk of elder care rests with one child, even the tangential issues that can be discussed and support offered in whatever way is possible, is still a help when dealing with the needs of elderly parents. I watched my mother do it entirely by herself, for several years, and it isn’t easy.</p>

<p>I would never judge someone else’s family structure and it surprises me, honestly, that anyone would warn their kids against dating or marrying an ‘only’. That would never occur to me, not that my Ds would have paid attention anyway!</p>

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<p>@ mimk6 - so sorry about the early loss of your parents. I wasn’t nearly as young as you were (24 when both my parents died), but I still understand. Hugs to you.</p>

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<p>mimk6, my father was an only child and his parents both died suddenly within a fairly short period of time while he was in college, on the opposite coast. He never spoke about it, but I can imagine how difficult it must have been. He met my mother not long after and he and her mother had a very close relationship.</p>

<p>Recently, I remarked to my S that I wish I had a daughter–n addition to him, of course. He said–apparently jokingly–“What? Aren’t I enough for you?” I really felt badly about having said it, but tried to recover by saying that it was just that there were things that a daughter MIGHT be more likely to want to share with me. Sometimes it is discouraging to be in a houseful of men who don’t want to learn to cook, hate shopping (not that I’m a big shopper, but there are limits!), don’t care about decorating for holidays or even celebrating them, and so forth. Of course, I know that some girls aren’t interested in any of those things either…</p>

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<p>Alwaysamom: It’s not just the bickering, it’s the kiss and make up part, too. Or, having to live with someone you don’t always see eye-to-eye with. Of course, onlies can learn it from their parents’ relationship, how the parents treat their child or by observing others.</p>

<p>Only or birth order is just one factor in what sort of adults we become.<br>
Both DH and my mom had more than their singleton experience that formed the sort of adults they became.</p>

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<p>I am fascinated that, although the OP addressed the question to only children or parents of such, the first person to pounce on the question (5 minutes) did so to rail against only children and their parents. What’s the beef?</p>

<p>I am the mother of an only child (who is of course perfect in every way), and something I have known for quite a long time is how very prejudiced the world is against only children and their parents. The parents are deemed selfish, with no consideration of the possibility that they are heart-broken not to have been able to add to their joy of parenting through the addition of more children (our case) or that they simply were cognizant of their limitations (financial, emotional or otherwise) and wisely chose, in everyone’s best interest, to stop at one. </p>

<p>The children themselves are often put under a microscope to detect the stereotypical flaws of being an only child (selfishness, stinginess, social maladjustment, entitlement, etc.) and this comes from teachers, family members, friends and total strangers (one of the first questions put to my D at one college interview was whether, given the fact that she was an only child, she was concerned about her ability to get along with a roommate—really?—to which D truthfully answered that it was one of the things about college she was really looking forward to). I have been told by friends (and I am not putting that word in quotes, because they really are friends intending to compliment me) that our D is such a lovely, well-adjusted person (notwithstanding being an…), completely oblivious to their deep-seated prejudice. While I think that some children love being the only one, I think most, such as ours, feel lonely, “different” and really long for siblings (sometimes reflective of ignorance being bliss), and to be confronted by this prejudice, sometimes bordering on hostility, compounds the hurt.</p>

<p>My father is also an only child and while he is indeed very persnickety, so was his father (one of four) and so am I (one of three). Hence, I think an inherited personality trait rather than attributable to the only child stereotype; but this is just an example of the prejudice that if one is persnickety and also an only child the trait must be due to being an only child. I will also say that not only was my father a fabulously caring son to his own parents, he likewise was/has been extremely caring and generous to my mother’s parents and siblings.</p>

<p>To answer some of the OP’s questions more directly, my D has done fabulously at college (even with the roommate!) and I actually think that the negative aspects of her onliness have been dissipating as she matures and goes out and about in the bigger world. I do worry that she will have to suffer the burden of our aging alone, but I also agree with one of the above posters that in every family one person takes up the laboring oar. Also, while I agree that whom one marries is really important for everyone, I think that choice probably has greater significance for an only.</p>

<p>Lastly, to MD Mom, the director of my D’s middle school once remarked to an assembly of parents (all parents, not just those of only children) that he had observed an almost universal phenomenon that parents’ IQs suffered a noticeable drop with regard to anything concerning their children. For better of worse, most of us see our kids differently from the way the world might; we just can’t have complete objectivity about the ones we love most.</p>

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<p>Comparing kids from different families, onlies or mulitples, is like comparing apples to bicycles. You just can’t do it. Kids are a product of their parents’ biases, beliefs and child rearing techniques. Trying to parse out what is due to “onliness” is like finding a needle in a haystack.</p>

<p>I am an only. My faults and strengths are not due to my lack of siblings, rather my genetic predispositions and my parents’ expectations. </p>

<p>That said, I chose to have three children. If you believe in stereotyping the whole birth order thing, number 1 is more like a second, number two is a typical firstborn, and the baby blows the whole stereotypical coddled and helpless image. So, I guess as parents we somehow managed to raise some pretty odd birds. :slight_smile: They all are great, btw, and in turn have been spoiled, self-centered, wonderfully generous and socially successful (with periods of “the world hates me” thrown in for good measure)</p>

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<p>As the middle kid I don’t think more is better. I agree that birth order, being an only child ins only one factor. Basic personality type also plays a role- introversion/extroversion, for example. </p>

<p>I have 2 siblings but don’t see them much, if at all. Two kids may be an ideal number- one is oldest and the other youngest so both get the priveleges of the role. Middle kids get none of that. All of the sibling rivalries, no status.</p>

<p>Regarding the only child-son (also by default). When we did things it was always one or two on one. No opportunities for letting the kids do their thing together while being in the background. No other kid to talk to while traveling. No one to swim/play with at hotel pools or do other fun stuff at parks. No one to play with at home when not convenient to have friends over. Board games- not the same for two adults to play with one kid- no family game nights… Son was lucky to have a neighborhood with kids to play with. I can see how his cousins on both sides have a relationship he couldn’t. More balanced with as many or more kids than parents. Someone to relate to who has the same experiences with parents.</p>

<p>Another problem was chores. Harder to assign them- no sharing of them with other kids. No taking turns helping with kitchen duty et al. </p>

<p>So much is nice for families of 4. I remember being strong about the concept of NOT providing snacks for soccer player siblings- I wasn’t going to prepare extra so they wouldn’t be left out (and feel this was supposed to be something special for that child, others not automatically part of every aspect of life).</p>

<p>Fortunately he has developed relationships with some cousins so he has family ties beyond us.</p>

<p>I’m sure our son could list a lot more negatives. We have the financial wherewithal that money isn’t a part of it. No division of scarce resources problems even if we had more kids- but no, I won’t share ours with any of you! We have no expectations of our son taking care of us when we are old- no obligations to look after us when we are incapable. Our family does the “pay forward” bit- one thing my father and I agree on. Do for the next generation, not the parents.</p>

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<p>I am the middle sibling of three and the mother of an only child. Many people have expressed surprise when they find that DD is an “only”. DD asked many times when she was young, “Can I have a baby brother or sister?” Recently, a mutual acquaintance of mine and my MIL’s mentioned to MIL that she couldn’t understand why DH and I had chosen to have one child only. I can’t stand ignorant people who think they know everything when, in actuality, they know nothing. My MIL laid into that woman. We didn’t “choose” to have one child only though, even if we had, why is that the business of someone else? An ectopic pregnancy meant emergency surgery for me and I never experienced pregnancy again. DD didn’t grow up in a house sharing toys or other items with another child, yet she is a very giving person. She didn’t grow up sharing a room with another child, yet she loved the experience when in college. There were times growing up that I wished I were an only child, but I love my brother and sister and we all get along famously (most of the time) now. </p>

<p>No doubt DD was spoiled to some degree when growing up, especially by my DH’s parents since she was the only grandchild on that side until age 12 when a cousin was born. When DD was 15, she got a part-time job and never asked us for another dime. She even bought her own school supplies before junior year of high school and tried to refuse reimbursement from us. She bought her own car with savings. When my FIL died last September and my MIL couldn’t bring herself to make the funeral arrangements, DD asked DH and his sister if she could be responsible for making the arrangements and speaking at the service. She had spent many hours in her grandfather’s library talking politics and life and they were like two peas in a pod. She went away to a college where she knew no one else, studied abroad in another country where she knew no one else and will move to Boston next month for graduate school where she knows no one else. I admire her independence and believe she is a well-rounded adult. </p>

<p>I do think about what will happen down the road. I know from personal experience that emotional attachments grow much stronger when items belonged to a deceased family member or loved one. I think that’s why I’m constantly getting rid of stuff and try to lead a minimalist life. DD won’t have a sibling with whom to bear/share a responsibility of things in the future and that does make me a bit sad. DD is the best thing that ever happened to us and I believe we, and the rest of the world, are better because she is here.</p>

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<p>Hey splashmom,middle sibling, ectopic pregnancy and a single child! We are twins!</p>

<p>I can not tell you how many times I got the “you are selfish” speech. People are have the most incredible gall lecturing complete strangers on this issue. When D was four and in a playgroup, I was chased down in the parking lot by a woman who insisted on giving me her opinion on “my choice”. I was so tempted to respond with the long sad story, but as I was getting in the car she mentioned how selfish I was and how spoiled D would be…“how could you do this to your family” I looked her in the eye and calmly said…“we quit at one since she was perfect” and " I can see with four, you keep on trying to get it right…well one day it might just happen for you."</p>

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<p>OMG, musicamusica, I LOVE IT! That was the perfect response to an insensitive, nasty person. I never understand why some people take it upon themselves to be so involved in other people’s lives. She got what she deserved! I feel sure she never pulled that nonsense with anyone else for fear she might get the same.</p>

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<p>^ If I could have only captured the look on her face, I would have put the picture in a locket and I would be wearing it for years on end…taking it out periodically to remind myself on what a wonderful moment that was. SIGH</p>

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<p>I have never understood why/how some people feel qualified to pass judgement on others - TO THEIR FACE - about private matters such as family size. I had an ex-co-worker who on more than one occasion told me “You don’t have a real family because you only have one child.” Really? There’s a minimum size limit to families that I was never told about?</p>