<p>I have been watching this thread all day. I am still super annoyed by MDMom’s comments. I did read the comment from Ellebud that seems to be causing a lot of responses: </p>
<p>"But to quote my mother, (and these are her feelings and observation), “When you have a child…you have a child. When you have two children, you have a family.” </p>
<p>and I wanted to point out that Ellebud does start his/ her comments by mentioning that he/she is an only child. I was very annoyed by this comment until I re-read and calmed down a tad as I feel that someone who is an only child or someone who raised an only child has a bit more perspective on the situation. I do not agree with the feelings or observation but feel less resentment toward the post after understanding the lense a bit better.</p>
<p>I’ve heard the “you don’t really have a child until you have two of them” from my much younger SIL. I just smiled and took my “imaginary” child across the room with me.</p>
<p>I am going to say ellebud shares too many ugly things that her in laws feel free to observe because it is their (very wrong) opinion to get a pass from me on sharing her mom’s comment. It was ugly. Maybe it just wasn’t framed right, but it came out ugly.</p>
<p>Again, I apologize if I offended anyone. My mother’s comment was said with GREAT sadness because she was telling me that she had wanted another child…desperately.</p>
<p>And remember, MY husband married an only child.</p>
<p>I will jump into the fray, although this may not be a good idea. I am not as offended by this thread as others seem to be. My only sister is 9 years younger than me, so many of my growing-up years were spent as an “only”. These are only my opinions, so please keep the fire at bay.</p>
<p>If I could sum up my childhood in one word, it would be “lonely”. This was the 60’s/70’s and most families had 3-5 children. Oh, how I envied them! I do think onlies miss out on sibling interaction. IMO, having playdates does not provide the same experience. I also agree with the posters who mentioned getting toughened up by teasing in fun.</p>
<p>My parents were only 20 years older, but I lived in a very adult world. I was always much more at ease with adults. My parents were teachers; I was never spoiled materially. Time with my mother-yes. I am much closer to my parents than my much younger sister. Not sure if this had anything to do with being the only for so long. I do so many onlies struggling with elder care.</p>
<p>Not articulating well, but the bottom line is my “only” childhood made me feel strongly I wanted at least 2 children. However, a big however, this is no one else’s decision. I can’t believe the rude comments others feel entitled to make to friends/family regarding a very personal decision.</p>
<p>Thank you, ellebud. I know that you didn’t mean to hurt those of us who have wonderful little families of 3. :)</p>
<p>I think I know what you’re saying though. When DH and I are older, there will be no sibling to share the burden with D of helping aging parents. That is a HUGE, difficult job, as I’m finding out – and I have 2 sibs. And yes, by the time we’re gone, I hope she is married with kid(s). I hate to think of her being alone in the world.</p>
<p>We are blessed with what we have. I was told I was unable to have children. I had one. We are a family. I would have loved to have more. But I’m happy with what I have. Some people are not. Is it perfect? No. Do I worry about when we get old? Yes. But he’s SUCH a joy.<br>
I have siblings. Two I don’t keep in touch with. MY sister, I talk to twice per year. Things don’t always work out as planned…<br>
Don’t long for what you don’t have. Treasure what you DO have. And try to stop from judging and making assumptions about others. People don’t fit into neat little boxes. Never do. I know lovely people from big families…and lovely “only children.” We all make do…</p>
<p>I feel neutral on this topic because I did not set out to have one child; it’s just the way it happened. It is very foolish to get into questioning people’s reproductive circumstances and choices. I choose to look on the bright side of our circumstances. I do worry about burdening my only child with our care in our old age, so I will try to do everything I can to avoid it by making plans and saving money. I have noticed that even in big families, it’s often only one of the grown children who does the bulk of the work of caring for elderly parents anyway. In addition, I feel sorry sometimes for my DD, who will not have the chance for a wonderful and loving relationship with a sister like I have with mine. On the other hand, my DH does not get along particularly well with some of his siblings, so shared blood is no guarantee of shared love.</p>
<p>Somehow, I know my only will marry someone who has at least one sibling, probably a girl. And his whole family will love her, esp. his sister. That has been her pattern with various BFs and their mothers. Relationships with families by choice can sometimes be closer than the ones we are born with, because after all, we choose them. I do worry about the burden on my daughter when we are old and infirm and eventually die, but I hope her future husband and his family will be a source of support. And no, neither she nor we have anyone picked out and I don’t think she is in any particular hurry to get married. However, at the age of 17 she has chosen her ministers and whom she wants to invite!!!</p>
<p>Ellebud - I see what you are trying to say and am sorry I came down so hard on you. It’s very sad that your mom never felt that she had a ‘real’ family and that you (as an only child) weren’t enough for her. That must have been very painful for you to hear. A good reminder to be careful what you say to your only children. My son knows we wanted more because we went through IVF when he was 10 and got pregnant but the pregnancy never continued past a certain point. I have made it a HUGE point to tell him repeatedly that while it would have been nice to have more kids because we wanted him to have siblings that he was indeed enough and we have always felt our family was complete. He is also acutely aware and thankful for all the ‘privileges’ he’s had as an only child (the biggest is he has traveled extensively around the world with us, something very few of his very well-off classmates have done) and he loves the fact that everything we have will one day be his.</p>
<p>I do think it’s important to understand that life is * always* a series of trade-off and everything has it pluses and minuses and that goes very much for family size. There’s nothing magical about having multiple kids nor having only children. No matter what our life’s circumstances, we need to embrace the positive and learn to live gracefully with the negatives. </p>
<p>Ellebud’s mother’s comment is a good reminder of how someone who can’t learn to deal with the hand they have been dealt can become bitter.</p>
<p>Well I am the only child with the parents who are 85+. They live out of state, but they are with me now so my father can have hip replacement surgery. He’s hobbling pretty badly, but has a great sense of humor. My mom and is rolling headfirst into dementia on a rocket. Her most unappealing qualities are shining bright now.</p>
<p>My husband (bless him) and I will be caring for both of them while dad recuperates. The kid will pass through for about 2 weeks to assist, so I am living the life of that only middle-aged child with elderly parents.</p>
<p>Dad and I have had discussions about future plans and what needs to be done. My mom, really cannot be left alone, although she can’t recognize that and I’m not sure she ever will. </p>
<p>So what does this mean? It means life keeps going. I have no problem being here for my parents. We have always been a “gang of 3”. With my only and my husband, I am a member of another “gang of 3”. We’re doing ok. :)</p>
<p>I love your description, Silvermoonlock: the two gangs of three. That’s the family configuration you know and love, and why wouldn’t it work? Thank you for a hopeful look at the future–challenging, for sure, but life does keep rolling along.</p>
<p>I was an only child. I have just one kid. I cannot imagine having another kid and splitting the attention. I loved growing up as a single child.</p>
<p>I’m an only child and my son is too. We made an effort not to spoil him (much) and I think it has worked out well. He values things he’s earned, not just for showing up (like those kid’s sports participation trophies) and has a plan going forward to focus on school yet keeping a social balance. It will be hard to have him 4 hours away but we’ll adjust.</p>
<p>But it’s also a reflection of that generation’s experience, and I think this sentiment would be common among women that age. I’m guessing, but let’s say that ellebud’s mother was a young wife in the aftermath of WWII. She would have looked around and seen the Baby Boom in full flower. Married women had left the workforce, and were home having 3 or 4 kids. That was what they did; it was their purpose in life. In that context, I can see that having an “only” might make a woman feel like there was an essential piece missing from her life, or even that she had failed at her most important job.</p>
<p>When I was in elementary school in the 60’s, I only knew one girl who was an only child. My mother told me I must never, never ask her about her “onliness.” Mom considered it an affliction, or an unmentionable personal failing. (She’s changed her mind now that one of her children has an “only” and another is childless. )</p>
<p>LasMa got the time and state of mind correct: I was born in the time of the baby boom and an “only” was unusual. I had a teacher call me “Le Brat” because I was an only child (and she was one of fifteen…yes 15). I truly didn’t care one way or another about my only status, but I was an anomaly. Did I wish for a sibling? Yeah…when I was four I wished for an older brother, but then I did the math and realized that it wasn’t going to happen.</p>
<p>That being said nowhere did I say that my mother was bitter. She mourned what might have been. People mourn what they wish that they had. Do people who choose to not have children understand the mourning process of those who desperately want to have children but can’t? Life happens despite out plans. My mother (who’s mother died VERY young) feared that (my parents were much older as well) I would be left alone in the world. If my mother had died at the same age her mother died I would have been eight. SHE wanted for ME to have family after she was gone. And yes, I know that many siblings aren’t close to each other. And yes, you make family of your friends. But to her there was a better chance that I would have family if I had a sibling. But I would also say that neither she nor I would question or malign anyone for their highly personal choices.</p>
My DIL is an only. She was definitely the sole focus of her father’s great ambitions. He “demanded” that she aspire to becoming a corporate CEO. She was a lonely child, daycare from 6 weeks and “latchkey” from the age of 6 years as both parents worked outside the home. She was raised in Europe until middle school age without extended family close by, and this may have added to her sense of isolation. Her father was very demanding about things like proper table manners, and her mother ran interference on his harsh scolding and punishment. DIL majored in accounting in college but never especially liked working in the field. (This description is not my judgment but based on what my DIL has told me. I’ve known her for almost 10 years.)</p>
<p>We’ve met her parents. DH and I are not nearly wound so tight.</p>
<p>DIL has chosen to be a SAHM. This has not pleased her parents, especially her father. They did not approve when DS and DIL decided to have a second child and let DIL know. Her parents visit a couple of times a year, and the visits are always trying for all parties as her parents seem to have a difficult time dealing with toddlers. DIL was afraid to tell her parents when DS and she decided to have a third child. They told us first and asked that I be there for the birth (unlike the first two).</p>
<p>Fortunately for everyone, her parents seem to be slowly coming around to accepting their three grandchildren and DD’s own ambitions for her life. Their last visit was much less stressful than previous visits.</p>
<p>(I would like to add that from my viewpoint my DIL is an extremely accomplished young woman and I love her dearly. My DS is a very lucky man.)</p>
<p>My son is the only one. I feel sorry for him sometimes, but there is nothing I can do, Mom refuse having more kids. We are first generation immigrants, we do not have any relatives here. It was a little difficult when he was young. He likes to play with other kids and he is very kind and smart. He is high school class 2012, we just do not know what happens when leaves for college.</p>
<p>As the parent of an only child I do worry that later in life she will not have the security that comes with having a close relationship with siblings. I am one of 5 and am very lucky that we all get along. Although growing up I though my sister was mentally ill.
I do see that my D is extremely happy and feel she will do fine. She will develop her close relationships in her own way.</p>
<p>Mudder’s_Mudder, so let me get this straight: Your DIL’s parents’ expectations of her were unreasonable, and your DIL wanted something different in her own life. And on top of that, her parents don’t really like kids. What does that have to do with being an only child? This is a story about parents who expect their children–one, three, or six–to adopt their values or live up to their ultra-high expectations and scorn any alternatives instead of letting their children be who they are and, as adults, make decisions on their own. It’s sad to be the child of parents like that. Would it have been easier for your DIL if she had had siblings? Probably not. The parents might have laid the exact same expectations on her because she was the oldest, or the most successful in school, or for any number of other reasons. Or they might have held all their children to the same standards. Or they might have chosen some other siblings to focus on. You don’t know. They didn’t parent this way because she was an only child. They parented this way because that’s the kind of people they are (and they could be borderline abusive for all I know). I could tell a couple of stories about parents like this who have more than one child, but I’d prefer not to air that level of detail on CC.</p>
<p>Myth: Only children are the focal point for their parents’ dreams and expectations to an unhealthy degree because they are only children. Reality: Some parents foist their dreams and expectations on one or more children to an unhealthy degree, regardless of family size.</p>
<p>I think your comments about working mothers and day care illustrate some stereotypes, too, but I won’t go there. </p>
<p>P.S. I am one of five children. I love my son more than life itself, and I loved him dearly as an adorable, curly-haired, engaging, bright, and sometimes very tiring toddler. But at my age, I have a hard time dealing with toddlers. I know people who are in no rush to have grandchildren for precisely the same reason.</p>
<p>Going back to the topic of this thread: Probably the hardest thing my S has to deal with as an only child is the stereotypes and assumptions about only children!</p>
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