DD went away to college in August 2006 and DH and I acclimated very well (after the first semester) to our empty nest, and DD acclimated very well to being on her own. She did spend three of her college summers at home working. When she graduated in May 2010, she moved to a rental home with three friends. She has spent one night only at our home in the past year … Christmas Eve. We love it when she visits, but we also love our empty nest. She and her roommates get along very well. They are all vegetarians, avid readers, don’t own or watch TV, take care of one another when illness occurs, etc. She has been working three part-time jobs since graduation and just got word yesterday that she’ll be able to transfer in one of those jobs when she moves to Boston next month for graduate school. She told us she’s been dating someone on a regular basis for the past few months. We were surprised to learn he is almost seven years older than her, but she has always been mature and acted older than her age. The one thing she never quite got the hang of? Keeping a clean room. That drove me nuts. For the sake of her current and future housemates, I hope that has changed. Except for the messiness, I believe she has evolved into a responsible, well-rounded adult.</p>
<p>
OMG, are you kidding me?! Your mom was wrong and it saddens me to know there are people that actually think this way. My family might be small, but we are definitely a family!</p>
<p>With our eldest about to go away to college, my daughter is already bugging me about please not treating her like an only child. I asked her what she meant and she said that her friends who are onlys are hovered over constantly until they can hardly breathe. I told her that that’s not my personality and I’m sure she’s exaggerating but those were her words.</p>
<p>My only is still at home but went away every summer since 5th grade for 6-8 weeks. She always got along well and had great fun with bunkmates and roommates at dorms. I don’t think she will have difficulties getting along with roommates at college.</p>
<p>I am one of 10 children and my daughter is an only child. I remember growing up how people told my mother that we were all spoiled!</p>
<p>This leads me to say, what constitutes being spoiled? We have a close relationship because for most of her life it has just been the 2 of us. She is well loved, she has always had my ear and my time. I have always supported her and have been supportive of her. She has always gotten everything she needed and on a few occasions, has gotten what she wanted. She is kind, considerate, she shares, reads people very well, is very insightful and has no entitlement issues. I took great pains not to raise her with the “only child” sterotypes. I think having a slew of aunts, uncles and cousins has helped to keep her grounded.</p>
<p>She is the only child who was born an only child (I have 2 nieces who have lost their sibling). Have have neices and nephews who imho are spoiled and hae major entitlement issues.</p>
<p>I read through the thread and asked her about it before she left for work (home for the summer). When she thought about it, most of her friends are either, first borns, only children or the baby of the family . She had roommates in college and lives in an apartment with a roommate for grad school and considers herself an extroverted introvert.</p>
<p>My biggest concern was because I lost both of my parents before I was 21 (my brother was 14) was to die before my daughter was an adult. I don’t know what I would have done without my siblings. I used to worry about her not having siblings, but she is closer to some of her cousins that they are to their siblings.</p>
<p>I will admit she has benefitted from being an only child and has had experiences; (traveling, attending her choice of school and graduating debt free, getting stuff just because) that she may not have had if I had to do it for more than one child.</p>
<p>dke, I have no doubt some only children are hovered over as are some children with 2 or 3 siblings. All I know is I am not a hoverer! Cheerfully sent S to boarding school, off to climb mountains, dog sledding and safari in Africa without me or dad. Now he is considering becoming an officer in the Marines. Scared silly sometimes, but no hovering.</p>
<p>Well, ellebud, at least I now know where my obnoxious co-worker got the idea that “you don’t have a real family if you have just one child.” That co-worker had 6 children - at the time I bit my lip, I wanted to say something about his having a litter. But a family isn’t about size; it’s about love, support, and relationships.</p>
<p>“When you have a child…you have a child. When you have two children, you have a family.” I think THATsays something about the person speaking and nothing about only children.</p>
<p>“how they are doing as roommates and partners”
D has had two boyfriends since HS. First lasted 4 years till he left for Grad school and second has been going another two and he might be “the one”. D is still very close to her former undergrad roomie and her (male) grad school roomie is going to marry a girl D introduced him to. I’ve never known ANYONE with more close friends than D. She is currently in Europe singing professionally this summer and more than five friends have found their way there to hear her. She has also kept close ties with her mentors and teachers. One of her older teachers in HS, an eminent jazz pianist(now deceased), left her most of his books on music in his will.</p>
<p>The worst hoverer mom I know has two children, one of whom has serious problems with life in general.</p>
<p>On the adjustment question: My S has always been adaptable, the kind of person other kids enjoy being around. He still lives with his freshman roommate as a senior. I get the feeling that he loves college life for the peer “family” he’s developed. I know he’ll miss them all. He has lived off-campus since sophomore year and loves the flexibility and freedom. He also cooks a lot, though room neatness has never been his strong suit. (He cleans up the kitchen well!) He’s been at home with us this summer, and I think he’s very eager to get back. It wasn’t the greatest summer for him for several reasons, but he’s been a pleasant roommate for his 'rents.</p>
<p>His less-glowing traits are things that crop up no matter how many siblings you have. Some of them are frustratingly like me and my H: a little too adaptable and eager to please, not great about initiating social activity (waits for someone else to do the organizing). I’m not sure he’s great about expressing his own needs, though he learned a lot from a serious relationship with a high-maintenance girlfriend. He procrastinates to the point that he gets very upset about the problems he creates for himself. His passions and goals are all over the place and ever-changing, and soon he’ll need to earn a living. He didn’t wear his retainer and will pay the consequences later. He’s incredibly holier-than-thou with my H and me sometimes.</p>
<p>Maybe we’re all sensitive about our only children precisely because people are so free to comment on the negatives–and say how amazing it is that Geezerson doesn’t fit the description! Duh. It does get old very quickly.</p>
<p>ITA - very offensive comment as well as MD Mom’s comment about not wanting her kids to date an only child. Really, why do people feel the need to define others that are not like them? </p>
<p>I’ve been watching this thread with great interest. If I had a dollar for every friend, acquaintance and family member with a maladjusted kid in their ‘multiple kid’ family I could have retired years ago. Seriously - where do people get the idea that having multiple kids is a ‘superior’ model?</p>
<p>There are numerous advantages to being an only child (as well as disadvantages). The whole myth that onlies are somehow damaged dates back to the 1880s and one child psychologist in particular. Most of the stereotypes are simply not true and subsequent studies have never shown only children to be socially different than those from multiple kid families.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My only child is very sociable, has a ton of friends, was ‘voted’ the most likeable and easy to get along with in his fraternity last year. He loves having a roommate and they are rooming together again this year. He also loves the fact that our house is quiet and peaceful and there’s not a lot of bickering going on all the time. At one point years ago we car-pooled with a family of three siblings and at the end of the year, we agreed that we couldn’t stand the bickering and picking on each other that went on every afternoon in our car on the way home. We never car-pooled again with a multi-kid family.</p>
<p>Entitled? I don’t think so. We could afford to send him to a $50,000 a year college and yet he chose to go to our flagship’s honor college because, in part, he didn’t want us to spend that kind of money on him.</p>
<p>I agree, there is some value in having siblings (I have 3, hubby has 1) but I really don’t think it added to my ability to get along in life or with others. In fact, in some ways it detracted from my life because there was so much bickering between 2 of my siblings, I couldn’t wait to leave home. The value in having siblings comes from having people who have known you all your life. Some siblings rarely talk to each other after leaving home, others remain close. You never really know how those relationships will end up. I do love and appreciate having siblings and I am sad that my son couldn’t have that experience but I don’t let it worry me too much. No one’s life is perfect in any sense. OTOH, one of the biggest ‘perks’ of having an only child is they tend to be incredibly close to their parents even as adults.</p>
<p>In reality some of the most sociable, coolest people I’ve known have been onlies. When we finally figured out we weren’t going to be able to have more kids, I went around surveying everyone I knew who was an only child (work, friends, neighbors). To the one, each person said they really like being an only child and never felt unhappy about it. That is when I stopped worrying about my son being an only child.</p>
<p>My child is not perfect - far from it. Like every person who walks this earth, he has his strengths and weakness. We were not perfect parents because perfect parents do not exist. Yes, our life and his life would have been different had we had more children but whether it would have been ‘better’ is highly debatable. It would have simply been different.</p>
<p>I am one of 8 children, from a long line of huge families. I am married to an only child, from a long line of mostly only children, with never more than two. From my observations, the differences between me & my husband are not much different than those between me & many of my 4,588,101 relatives. </p>
<p>I think financial stability has much more influence than size of family. The big differences in how my h & I see the world are not related to him being an only & me being one of 8. They are related to him growing up financially secure and me growing up in a “survival of the fittest” type environment.</p>
<p>I don’t care if it was your mother’s opinion and not yours. There are some things that should not be repeated. I would have thought that the example of your in-laws would have taught you that.</p>
<p>To those who were offended by my mother’s observation and my repeating what she said, I am sorry that you were offended. But that is what my mother voiced at the end of her life. And, if you read, with my experience that once an only’s parents are dead it is “just” you to remember that perhaps you will understand the heart of what I was saying about me, and what my mother felt about family.</p>
<p>Nowhere did I say, as others did, that only children are…negative things, nor families with more than one child are…positive. In the workings of all families there are dynamics. But if someone thinks that by stating an opinion by two people (my mother who put a voice to her regret) who, for whatever reason, had one child as equal to bigotry of any sort: Sorry.</p>
<p>This is one of those topics which spurs endless debate, like “working mothers”, homeschooling and divorce.
Most people are defensive/self righteous, on those topics , and so if you step into the fray you have to decide if you want to placate everyone or raise a ruckus.</p>
<p>I’ve had people say to me stupid things like, “One child is a hobby, two children is parenting” and the like. On the other hand if I said back, “Only children get their parents time and love while siblings are unfairly forced to compete”, all heck would break loose. (Of course, I don’t believe that about siblings at all.)</p>
<p>I do sometimes feel that sometimes parents of two or more children who put down only children are doing it out of defensiveness. In my experience, I’ve noticed that the larger the family, the more “against” only children they are. </p>
<p>My mother is an only child and says she wished she had siblings from time to time until her parents got elderly. Both of her parents had Alzheimer’s (her mother was diagnosed months after her father died…it was horrible) and spent their last years in a nursing facility. She said that time again she saw the same scenario play out; one sibling was the primary care giver/decision maker. As the parent got closer to death, other siblings would show up demanding that their voices be heard as well and soon they were all fighting in the Social Workers office. </p>
<p>My mother was able to talk to my dad, her cousins and friends plus my sister and I but there was no question who would make the final decision. And that was something she grew to value very much over her parents last years. Which made me feel good, of course, having an only myself.</p>
<p>As for my only child, he is 19 now and thriving at his college. He started dealing with roommates around age 10 when he started going to sleep-away camp. He’s always loved having roommates in the summer but liked having his own room during the school years so I was curious how that would play out and it worked out fine. In fact, he could have had a single but has turned that down to have a roommate again this coming year. </p>
<p>He’s generous to a fault and is very outgoing. If something doesn’t go his way, he bounces back quickly. It would be one thing for his father and I to think that way but consistently over the years we’ve received notes and comments from teachers and friend’s parents that affirm our view of his strengths. </p>
<p>blankmind, My father is one of 10 and my mother is an only child. I agree that it was the financial picture more than the siblings,or lack of, that shaped their world views.</p>
<p>That is a silly proverb. Two kids are often going to be playing/bickering/ on their own. I think only kids (based on having been one) are going to be needier of their parents’ attention because there is not someone else to talk with, etc. My oldest son was often invited to go on trips with his best friend and his mom, who was a single parent. She told me it was way easier to have two kids on those trips than one because her son was so much happier having a friend and the two of them kept each other occupied while she relaxed in a lawn chair while watching them at the beach, etc. My daughter also had a good friend who was an only child and was often invited to go places for the same reason. In many ways, of course, having more kids is more work. But, in some ways, having one kid can be demanding. I have to say that I loved it when the kids got to go off and be companions for their friends on trips, etc. because I got a little respite. In return, those kids got to bounce around my house which was usually filled with kids, both mine and others, and loved having the experience of a busy, noisy dinner table, etc.</p>