<p>We have an only. That was not the plan, but it is what happened and it has been good for us.</p>
<p>Much as a wise parent of 5 children would consider the best way to nurture each of the 5, I was aware of our son’s only-ness and made mindful choices. For example, I was a SAHM for the first years of his life, but I enrolled him in day care 3 afternoons a week when he was a year old. He went to camp with his cousins. And so on.</p>
<p>The point I am trying to make is that parents can be mindful of the circumstances that come with only children or any other family configuration. </p>
<p>He is a 23 year old college grad with many friends and a good job 9 hours away from us. I am proud of him and I miss him. It is as it should be.</p>
<p>I found this thread late, but wanted to share my 2 cents. My husband is an only and we only have a daughter. I married my husband, then soon realized that there are issues related to marrying an only such that my widowed MIL relied on my husband for many things that I just had not anticipated, such as mowing her lawn every weekend, doing some chores around her house, etc. I became very resentful that she would tie up his time on the weekends without regard for us as a couple. She also made it known to him that she resented us not taking her on vacations with us. I came from a loud boisterous family and My parents were independent and never demanded so much attention from us three siblings. Ive learned that this is why we loved being around my parents so much. Things always work in reverse. My husband never felt deprived being an only. We Made it a priority to raise our daughter with as much social interactions with other children as pssible. We always considered us three as the ,“three of us” or the “three musketeers”. Our daughter is 21, kind, not spoiled, generous, treasures her friends as though they are her siblings, very independent. She has had the benefit of focused attention, a good private college education, she has always gotten was she has needed and a very little of what she has wanted. We are still close. But she is off doing her own thing, with us cheering her on in the periphery. Yes, I wish she had siblings, but in fairness, my brother died when he was 21 and my sister and i have a very strained relationship, not much of one. So it really doesnt matter wat configuration your famiy is. What matters is the relationships you develop and nurture.</p>
<p>I realize this thread is old, but I’ll bite. I technically have a halfsister but she’s never been in my life so I consider myself an only. I hated it growing up and still am a little bitter. However, I’ve learned to make family since I have so little biological. </p>
<p>It was hard when my dad became disabled as I was forced to grow up very quickly to take care of him with little help. However, its made me extremely mature and fiercely independent. </p>
<p>I’m extremely laid back and there isn’t much that bothers me. I work two or three jobs to support myself and I definitely have no entitlement issues. I definitely see onlies who are spoiled, but truth be told, I see just as many siblings who are spoiled too.</p>
<p>I think this is, like many things, people trying to put things in neat little boxes. We are a product of a whole host of influences in our life. I come from a large family - yet do not have close relationships with my siblings. I’m much closer to my friends. My son is an only…lives VERY far away, is independent and not at all spoiled. I do wish he had a brother or sister…didn’t work out that way…but I don’t like it when folks feel sorry for me or him. We had a LOT of fun raising him and there were many bonuses to just having the three of us. Sure there were downsides too…but isn’t that true of everything in life?? I feel blessed to have him.</p>
<p>mimk - your story is absolutely compelling. My heart aches for your younger self. Your family history of escaping the war must have been harrowing for an entire generation who were raised by the people who lived through it as well. I don’t mean this as anything than curiosity but I was just thinking about how many of my Jewish friends were only children or very small families, I wonder if any of your family’s history influenced an entire culture for a generation or two. </p>
<p>One thing beyond how many children is the sex of the kids. I have a boy and a girl. I’m very close to my two sisters and it’s a little sad now that my daughter doesn’t have that relationship. She has said for years on and off that she wishes she had a sister. My oldest son likes to torture her and tell us he wishes he were an only. </p>
<p>Birth order - onlies, oldest, youngest, same sex sibling and not - impossible to tell what would have been had something different happened.</p>
<p>The only children we have known stood out because they didn’t grasp the concepts of licking your food if you had to go to the bathroom during dinner or “calling” your spot on the couch :).</p>
<p>I do have to say that I had a roommate in college that was an only, a very pampered, very spoiled only. It was not a good thing. What she wanted, she got and expected us to do the same. She had no issues with using anything of ours without asking but beware if you even looked at anything of her’s without asking. It was not a good situation. I also knew a woman who was an only and had a similar upbringing to my ex-roommate and now is the mom of 2 kids. She made a comment that anytime they went anywhere, on vacation, to the store, etc. as a family they took two cars because she could not deal with her kids arguing. These are the two extremes in my life with only children. The rest of the only children we know, as adults, are perfectly normal :).</p>
<p>Growing up one of my very best friends was an only and you would have never known it by her actions. She was very thoughtful and always putting others first. I have one younger brother who is only 20 months younger than me but maturity wise we were always 30 years apart. He was always causing trouble and getting into trouble. He made our family pretty miserable growing up with him in our household. I always wished I was an only child because of him! To this day he has never helped take care of my parents and isn’t interested in having a family relationship with anyone.</p>
<p>I married the youngest of four kids and none of his three siblings are interested in keeping family relationships either. They are all very selfish and only care about themselves. None of the other three helped to take care of his mother and father in their ailing years. So I was left with helping my husband care for his parents until they passed.</p>
<p>So I have an only child by choice who just started his freshman year of college. It has been a pure joy to raise him and experience life with him. My husband and I made sure when we raised him we modeled everything the opposite of what our siblings were and how they chose to live their lives. My son is a high achiever who is others focused and has a very positive outlook on life and loves living it!</p>
<p>I’m the youngest of five, the others are 10, 12, 14 and 16 years older than I am. By the time I was conscious they were either gone or well into the active teenage years. I never had a normal sibling relationship with any of them and still don’t. Personally, I think it’s the worst of having siblings and being an only child with none of the benefits of either. My brother, who is closest to me in age, is the one who does he lion’s share of care of our mother. I have the greatest respect and admiration for him, as well as boundless gratitude.</p>
<p>My husband and I had an accidental gap baby and I’ve always been very worried that he wouldn’t develop a relationship with his sisters. I hope I’ve done a better job on that.</p>
<p>One of my biggest regrets is not being able to give my DD a sibling. My best friends are my brother and sister. Even though we live in different cities, my sister and I talk at least once a week. All three of us help with any issues re our mother – we all do different things, and coordinate. </p>
<p>I dont think my DD is more self-centered than most other kids her age - but I’m the mom.</p>
<p>I have an only child, my first child died before my second was born so I am a mother of two who raised only one. I own the fact my child has a great many material things, he has never demanded them but we are fortunate to have the financial resources to take vacations, enjoy dinners etc, clothes shopping etc…We have tried hard to go hog wild and we expect him to be responsible and he’s had a summer job since he was 16. He put the down payment on his car, which I admit was brand new. We make the payments during the school year he makes them in the summer. We are taking him and a few of his friends to the Caribbean for spring break, a benefit to being friends with an only, you might just get asked to join him on vacation because he doesn’t have any siblings! My son went to boarding school and I don’t think he had any difficulties sharing, 5 people asked him to be their roommate sophomore year partially because he was so neat. We have a housekeeper but he was expected to keep his playroom, bedroom, and bathroom tidy. The woman who cleans for us loves him because “he is so nice and respectful”. He does the dishes when he is home, mows the lawn and edges the garden without being asked. He even picks up dog poop. He has his faults, he can be a little rigid and impatient among other things but I don’t think these are issues exclusive to only children. With all due respect to some earlier posters lots of moms of girls have jokingly told me they’d like to fix him up with their daughters, they don’t seem put off by his only child status.</p>
<p>Not to change direction of this thread, but maybe we should also examine if onlies (sp?) are being raised by onlies or are they being raised by parents that were the oldest, youngest, etc.? We have an only; parents were the oldest of their siblings. I think that being parents that were the oldest of siblings definately puts a different spin to how onlies might be raised. I have often told people that much is expected from the oldest kids–we raised an only…much was expected!</p>
<p>I think birth order in general plays a huge part in one’s personality, work ethic, relationships with others, etc. Great thread…as I always worried that our only would suffer w/o siblings. I think a lot of things play into how an only functions and certainly the birth orders of the parents plays a huge part , in my opinion!</p>
<p>I’m an only. Mother is the only girl with 3 older brothers. My father is the 2nd youngest with 3 brothers. I think the only influence their siblings had on me was that they had no idea what it was like to live with young girls. I was definitely raised like a boy haha.</p>
<p>My D is an only due to infertility problems. Mom is an eldest child, dad from around the middle of a largish family. We (parents) are so grateful to have D and adore her, although we’ve worked hard to try to avoid imparting any entitlement mentality etc. She’s talented, kind, thoughtful, polite, etc. However I’ve noticed that her current bf relationship (the first of any real significance) has been teaching her a lot about getting along. Despite our best efforts, in observing her in this relationship, we’ve noticed that she did come into it with a tendency to expect everything to be about her. I can see that it’s been a bit of a bumpy experience for her, but some of that attitude has been getting erased, and that’s a really good thing.</p>
<p>It’s a bit humbling as a parent to realize that despite your best efforts, you may not be able to raise a child exactly as you’d wish. Given that D has been pretty much the center of the universe her whole life long, as far as her parents are concerned, it was probably inevitable that she’d acquire some unreasonable expectations. But life among her peer group is clearing those up, and living away from us at college will likely complete the process. I guess it does take a village…</p>
<p>I have three. The oldest girl has been reasonable and easy to deal with all her life. The little guy is a sweetie. A mess, but a sweetie.</p>
<p>The middle (girl) is a whole other matter. I recently sent down a care package of some cool stuff for her to share with her two roomates. When I told her this on the phone, there was a long pause, a deep sigh and she said “have you met me? I don’t share.” And she doesn’t. Never has, never will. The other two would give you body parts, but not her. Heaven only knows why they’re different.</p>
<p>zoosermom–your middle D sounds like my sister. Her biggest fear of becoming a mom is that she might have to share food from her dinner plate with her kids because she always saw people in restaurants letting their kids try the parent’s dinner :). She is number 3 of 4 kids–she was the kids that saved her candy bar until everyone else ate their too. It’s just their personality, much like their sense of humor, their drive-or lack there of-to succeed, etc.</p>
<p>She doesn’t let her kids taste her food, 16 years into parenthood. :).</p>
<p>Being “only” child can have very positive effect. You can engage them in many activities. My D. was in 5 of them when she was 7 and it lasted for few years. She ended up with 3 all thru HS and one of them was her minor at college. She was and was not “only”, she was just much younger than her bro. who also was “only” child, got paid for everything…both of them had more opportunites than many of their friends. It is also very rewarding for a parent to focus on one at a time,whatever this child desire at the moment, do not need to be approved by another. It also makes them very sensitive to others’ need as their needs have been always satisfied. It makes them very helpful with many friends, they keep all of them, never break up. I guess they do not know and do not care to fight/bicker over anything, they do not have experience in power struggle either. They grow up to be very appreciating and accomodating / accepting individuals.</p>
<p>Sometimes, the above may due to having had bad experiences with sharing/lending out one’s own stuff to others. </p>
<p>Nowadays, I no longer lend out my books…especially expensive academic/college related ones after several of them were “lost” or returned so heavily damaged that they’re unusable. </p>
<p>A younger friend who is not an only, but the oldest kid of two who was once extremely generous in lending out even expensive hard-to-find in US imported DVD/CD box sets to friends and relatives will no longer do so after several were returned scratched up and in one case that I witnessed…submerged in sesame oil. </p>
<p>In short…some of this could also be attributed to the appalling lack of due care and respect far too many people have for other people’s stuff…and not being willing to take responsibility for the negative effects. Seems like expecting others to apologize and to adhere to the old adage “You break it, you buy it” is regarded as “too old fashioned” and “excessively materialistic” to many these days…</p>
Mine is not having kids. Only dogs. She has said this all of her life and I believe her. Lest anyone think she was deprived, she wasn’t. Her younger brother is much younger, so she is truly the youngest girl in the birth order. She is also our family super-achiever and is stunning to look at. However, she is not warm. She is competent and if you were in need, you’d want her taking charge of your rescue. Which she would. She would walk miles in the snow to help someone. But she wouldn’t lend her best friend her worst blouse. Thankfully people know that about her and hold no expectations.</p>