<p>I can always tell when my kids are contemplating sneaking out at night. Suddenly they start hating our dogs. It is very difficult to sneak in or out of our house without alerting one of them, and it takes only one to start a barking riot. Their ears are attuned to the click of the door jamb or the window opening. My boys have still tried and even succeeded,by going through the basement or leaving the garage door open and taping that door jamb so that there is no click, but now the little fellow we have gets up and checks out anyone who even walks around the house at night.</p>
<p>One more overcaffeinated thought: on the rare nights when curfew was missed, it was effective to subtract those minutes from the next evening’s curfew. This was strangely effective considering how few minutes were involved. For instance, 1:30am curfew and 1:40am arrival meant 1:20am curfew the next time. If I felt I was made to worry unduly, then more time would be subtracted at my discretion, or a chore would be assigned, or he would be made to stay in the next time.</p>
<p>The thing about the dogs is sooo true!! My dogs are the exact same! My friends often comment on how easy it would be to sneak out of my house. And I suppose, once you get past the dogs, it would be easy. However, we live at the top of a huge hill, and I can’t drive yet. So once I get out of my house, it would basically be “Hmm, should I go down that HUGE hill, or that GIGANTIC hill.” Basically, I don’t sneak out. :-P</p>
<p>I really think that the curfew thing is something for each family to figure out – for reasons pretty amply illustrated by all the posts here. I never had a curfew for my kids - it wasn’t an issue with my son when he was in high school, because he didn’t have a car and there were only 2 times that he was ever out past midnight, once being prom night. I didn’t try to monitor his comings and goings when he was home on breaks after he was in college – it just didn’t seem necessary with an over-18 kid who lead a rather tame lifestyle. Not really the clubbing type.</p>
<p>My daughter, age 17, is a different animal altogether. She does like the clubbing until 3 am … but not on this side of the ocean. She picked up that habit while living overseas this past year - but around here they don’t let underage kids into those sorts of clubs. So generally if it’s late, then the kids are hanging out at someone’s house.</p>
<p>I don’t have a curfew - I do have an expectation that my d. will call me by or before midnight to let me know where she is and what her plans are – and if she is spending the night at a friend’s house, then I want her to call me when she gets there so I know she is safe. Partly I’m accustomed to this because she was always a big sleepover kid, sleeping fairly regularly at some friend or another’s house since she was a preschooler. Plus I split with her dad when she was 6, and there were all those years of comings & goings and overnights at her dad’s house. So basically, its never been routine for her to come home at a given hour or sleep at home on weekends. </p>
<p>The advent of the everyone-carries-a-cell-phone standard has made everything a lot easer. My d. is not so good about remembering to call me when she is out - she remembers to call, but she loses track of time, so I’ll get “omigosh, is it 12:30 already??” - but she has argued successfully that I should simply call her as frequently as I want - and she always keeps the cell phone on and answers it, and never gets miffed at me for calling. So basically, she is out and about at all hours, but I always know where she is and can get in touch with her - and we have dispensed with worrying about who actually places the phone call to touch base.</p>
<p>I’m a night owl myself, though – there’s a much greater likelihood that my d. will find me cheerfully up and about at 3 am than at 7 – and at this point there is no one living in our house other than the two of us. So that’s why I say it really has to be decided based on family preferences or lifestyle - as well as whether there are other issues with the kid. I mean, it’s a whole different story if the kid is prone to getting into trouble.</p>
<p>I used to sneak out I admit, but my bedroom was in the basement and the doors made too much noise so I would go out the window.
Usually what I would do is come home before curfew make a big production about going to bed and 10 minutes later leave again.
I was caught once when I and a couple friends were in a car at 7-11 and there was a curfew for teens so we were “brought in”
But other than that- my parents being on heavy meds, pretty much insured they would be zonked out at bedtime.</p>
<p>Yeah, that’s the problem – its pretty easy for kids to get around a lot of parental rules. With my daughter’s long established history of sleepovers, it would be the easiest thing in the world for her to simply plan to spend the night at the home of a kid with more permissive/lax parents if she wanted to be able to evade a curfew.</p>
<p>We are working on S#3. No real problems with #1 and #2 who had midnight curfew except for special occasions; once in college and home for vacation or the summer, I asked that they let me know where they were and tell me when they came in. Wish it were easy this time but</p>
<h1>3 is a different story. He actually wanted a later curfew but then pulled a few stunts so curfew is now reduced and there are absolutely no sleepovers for a long time. He is a really good kid but has been breaking our rules recently with some incidents of lying and sneaking around. I really am ready to retire from parenting.</h1>
<p>Join the club, 3boysnjmom.</p>
<p>My son’s curfew is 2am on weekends and 11pm on school nights. Some of his friends have no curfews and some have curfews as early as 11pm on weekends. Every parent is different. He and I are both comfortable with his curfew. </p>
<p>For his upcoming prom, we are hosting the after-prom at our house. My son’s friends have all rented a limo bus, which will pick them up here (so that their cars are here)…then they’ll use the bus to go take pictures…then to the prom…then back here. Once they arrive here, they cannot leave until the morning (after breakfast). </p>
<p>We recently had a parent’s meeting at school where the issue of curfews came up. It was interesting to see how differently everyone handled it. I’ve also recently spoken with a large number of parents at our school about various “weekend happenings” with the kids and we all agree that we are having different experiences, depending on which crowd our child is part of.</p>
<p>The only “clubbing” permitted here with my senior is if has a gig. </p>
<p>My sophmore - he only goes to friends’ houses for LAN parties. I always know where he is and what he’s doing.</p>
<p>For my high schoolers, the basic rule is 10PM on weeknights and midnight on weekends. The kids can make any plans within those parameters without checking first, they just have to let me know where they’ll be. If it is something special, it can be later- there have actually been events wherein one of my kids has been out to 2 or 3am, not that often, but it happens.</p>
<p>Sometimes, it makes me crazy when they are out very late as my husband will be unable to sleep and keep asking me if I think they’ll be home on time, so then I don’t sleep! I, too, am a night owl, so don’t even mind being up late, it’s the sleep-deprivation hangover the next day that is killer.</p>
<p>Also, mine always know that I expect them home on time, but a phone call will extend it, rather than driving unsafely.</p>
<p>I did have one who always had to push the limit- always 5-15 minutes past the curfew- really annoying, but we got it worked out. I like the idea above to subtract lateness minutes from the next night’s curfew! :D</p>
<p>When I was in school, I had to be in by midnight, with extensions as appropriate.
I’m living at home while in college, and ever since I turned 18 (the drinking age here btw) I haven’t had to be home at any particular time. When I get home is determined more by whether I have transport. Because I don’t drink due to a medical condition, my parents always trusted me more when I’m out than they trust my heavy-drinking 18 year old brother.</p>
<p>S,now a junior but on the younger end (16 turning not 17 until Nov of senior year) has a midnight weekend curfew. Has to call if there are any difficulties (like movie ending later or waitingf for a ride home, etc).His problem is having alot of senior friends with later curfews but they are accomodating.
He just attended his junior prom with a group that had elaborate plans (seems the girls plan and the boys get dragged along).After the boat ride they limoed into NYC to a comedy club (1:30a.m. show!!!) then back to one kids house where they all slept over (generous parents and we verified they would be present),not arriving there until 4 a.m. Needless to say we suspended the curfew for that night!
Now he’s been tapped as an “emergency” senior prom date next month for a female friend left high and dry by a boyfriend.Guess we’ll have to suspend the curfew again!</p>
<p>speckledegg,</p>
<p>Love your parrot story!</p>
<p>We have a curfew law here in our town. The hours of curfew for minors are:<br>
11:00 PM - 5:00 AM: Sunday night through Thursday night.
12:00 AM - 5:00 AM: Friday night and Saturday night.
Exceptions are those minors accompanied by a parent or guardian, job, official school activities or religious activities. I feel like that is reasonable.</p>
<p>I would appreciate feedback on what happened last night. What should I have done differently? I provided considerable detail earlier in this thread about how we have handled curfews and etc. </p>
<p>At dinner, my 18-year-old son told us about a party that he wanted to go to. It’s a school night, and there are another 2-3 weeks of classes, but the homework has recently been reduced. Son has completed homework for the night and advances the following points: it’s senior year, it’s supposed to be fun, he’s been looking forward to being a second-semester senior, he’s worked hard, what more do we want, he could lie and sneak out but he’s being truthful with us, it kills him that kids who are screw-ups get tons of freedom, and here he is doing everything we ask but has to be home earlier, etc. He is really pushing for this which is very unusual. He wanted to stay out until 1am, which seemed late to me for a school night. The party was to be held at another student’s house. My son would drive himself and will not be drinking. </p>
<p>My husband, who is rarely involved in these types of discussions, was a part of this conversation. He was inclined to let him go, but insisted on an 11pm return home. Why? “Because.” (Husband goes to sleep at 9:30pm every night, which puts me in the position of nightlife authority figure.) Son continued to press for 1am, saying that the host would not even be home until 10pm, he always stays up until at least 1am anyway, etc. Knowing this to be true, and given that the host lives 10 minutes away, an 11pm curfew would yield a pointlessly short time at the party. Yet trying to respect husband’s contribution to the issue, I expressed that 12 midnight seemed reasonable as the night’s curfew. Son was still not happy but I maintained that 1am was too late. I also didn’t want to set a school-night precedent.</p>
<p>At this point, son expresses his need to have no curfew at all, which is something we have been working towards. </p>
<p>Husband goes to sleep. Son leaves the house at 10:45pm. He arrives back home, angry, at 12 midnight as agreed. 20 people remain at the party. I am at the dining table working on a photo album (a project I have selected on purpose). I am picking up an abnormal amount of intense, negative energy and am wondering what is going on tonight, what is the subtext, if he’s planning to try to sneak out, etc. (Sneaking out is not typical for him, as best as I can tell, but did happen a couple times in 10th grade.) He walks past me several times with minimal eye contact, getting some food, doing some laundry, watching a movie, etc. </p>
<p>At about 2am, I’m still up and as he walks by, I ask him what’s going on. After a bit, he sits down and can’t help but flip through some of the pictures while we talk. (Many of them are of his favorite activity, in which I have invested significant amounts of volunteer time.) He is still very agitated but we are able to talk about it. He allows that there are a couple of problems with friends, he feel some disappointment in the unfulfilled overexpectations of senior year, and yes, between the words I sense the graduation transition. These things are contributing to his frame of mind. I make the main point that for at least the last year, he has been suggesting the night’s curfew, based on our general guidelines, not me, and that I generally try to accomodate his needs. We both know that next year at school he will have the option to stay out as late as he wishes, and I think he does need some experience with that before he starts freshman year. To this end, it actually makes sense for him to get some practice with this school/nightlife balance while senior year is still in progress, which is better practice for college than work/nightlife balance during the summer. I feel like we are reaching some understanding and are heading in a good direction, but for tonight, I’m still sensing something going on. By 2:30am he’s back in his room and seems to be going to bed. I sleep downstairs and we’re both asleep by 3am. Too late for a weeknight.</p>
<p>I am told by my husband that I that I discuss things too much, but I feel that in the long term, it is better for both parties to understand each other’s positions and make decisions accordingly, rather than to just impose random rules and expect them to be followed without question. Son is high-achieving, generally responsible and mature, leader, etc. and not a risk-taker. He rarely confronts us or behaves in an insubordinate manner. He has a wide range of friends of all ages.</p>
<p>Anyway, I realize this is long. So what should I have done differently? How could I have handled this night better?</p>
<p>I don’t see what you did wrong or why you think you did anything wrong. Your son was able to sit and discuss things with you and it seems that you understood what he was saying. That’s great!! </p>
<p>Your also seem to take the “he’s not every child” approach, which I applaud. You know how kids will say “but everyone else’s parents let them stay out”? To which many parents respond “I’m not every parent!”. Well, he’s not every child. I don’t support using mass-rules for all teens, just as we don’t like to hear about what everyone else’s parents do. Each child is entitled to their own evaluation by their own parents and appropriate setting of limits - which can be adjusted as they go along and prove their ability to handle, or not. </p>
<p>It was great that you were comfortable with extending the curfew to midnight. This demonstrated flexibility on your part, and a willingness to meet your son halfway. </p>
<p>If he was tense for the rest of the night (morning) after coming in, perhaps there’s a girl he’s interested in and she was at the party. That might have been why he was so intensely interested in going and why he really wanted to be able to stay. </p>
<p>Also, the kids are really clinging to each other right now…as they realize how little time they have left. At our school, we’ve also noticed a recent breakdown of the barriers between groups/cliques (they aren’t really cliques, but groups of friends based on interests). Suddenly, kids are talking to other kids with whom they’ve had little connection for the past 4 years. The choral/band kids are invited to the “cool” parties, and vice versa. They’re just desperate for each other, extending their boundaries, testing new limits, finding great value in people they’ve previously only passed in the hallway or sat next to in Chemistry, etc. They’re bonding as a class (ours are getting into trouble as a class, so that helps them bond, but I won’t go there). </p>
<p>From what I see, there’s nothing more important to them, right now, than each other. </p>
<p>I don’t want to be dramatic, but “this is it”. These last few weeks will be etched into their memories for the rest of their lives. This is the time for memories & lessons. </p>
<p>Your husband is wrong about discussing things (IMHO). You can never discuss things too much with your kids. Your son sat down with you at 2am to discuss things…that’s HUGE! He’ll sit down with his own kids at 2am…and so on. </p>
<p>Good job!</p>
<p>speckledegg, I would have done the same as you. My son sounds just like yours, and yes, my husband tells me I discuss things too much. However, I think that is what has contributed to my son’s success & his maturity. We have a very good relationship which I suppose is quite different than those of his friends & their parents. I would rather he tells me where he is going than have him sneaking around. I have told him that if he ever is in ANY situation (even when he goes to college - he’ll be about 40 min from home) that if he needs a ride home for any reason no matter what the time that I will come & pick him up with no questions asked. </p>
<p>I agree with your son & mine that since they are very reliable & mature that they do deserve extra time out, but it is very hard because there aren’t many things to do & as adults it’s more the other people I’m afraid of (drunk drivers, etc.).</p>
<p>Oh why is it soooo hard to be a mother:)?</p>
<p>Gosh, speckledegg, you did everything I hope I would have done. I don’t see that you could or should have done anything any differently at all. You didn’t yell or scream or threaten. You simply talked it out. It sounds to me as though your son handled it very well, too. My DH always tell me I “go on and on” about things and talk about things too much, too, but I don’t feel that way. I want a good line of communication open with our DD and I feel like that’s what you have with your son, too. Congratulations … IMO, you definitely cleared that hurdle with lots of room to spare. :)</p>
<p>Well, thanks for the positive feedback. I do suspect that there was a girl in the picture. And I have noted some of the senior bonding mentioned by momsdream.</p>
<p>The reason I think it could have been handled better is that despite all the talk, it was a win/lose evening. I “won” on curfew yet lost several hours peace of mind by suspecting him of scheming ways to sneak out. He “lost” his curfew negotiation, lost feeling effective in running his own affairs, and lost peace of mind at the party by having to watch the clock and leave early. He would have been happier and we both would have gotten more sleep if we had agreed to the requested 1am curfew. </p>
<p>But more importantly, I was unable to “reach” him and find some level of accord which would have made him honor the curfew, whether it be 11pm, midnight, or 1am, or whatever, with a more positive frame of mind rather than resentment. He has to choose to do what I ask him to do … once he’s out of the house, he has to use his own judgement yet comply with my guidelines. I can see how this is annoying to a guy his age. It’s the invisible force, the liontamer’s chair, as mentioned earlier on this thread. Something was pushing him very close to the edge of choosing to go against my wishes. If I hadn’t stayed up, I suspect that there was a good chance that he would have snuck out and that bothers me. When it comes to girl issues, if that’s what it was, it’s a pretty powerful magnet.</p>
<p>I suppose I should put some sort of consequence in place for the violation of trust that sneaking out represents. I try not to make consequences too dire, because if he does screw up and need help, I want him or his friends to seek help rather than to avoid getting in trouble. Then again, this issue swings back to having no curfew at all. We are close but somehow not quite there.</p>