“I’m putting my hearing aids in because all you people mumble” OK, and is that why you have hearing aids? That’s not so bad actually but I’ve learned to protect myself and keep my distance. We live in a small townhouse style condo and mother in law is camped out on on the living room couch. Sooooo glad to be at work today! She sleeps 'till 1pm and complains that no one is around. Um hello, we were all up and “around” for hours while you were sleeping. Wifey went out yesterday 9am-3pm! Daughter spilt around 10am. Son took his leave at 1:30pm cuz there was no reasonable way to watch the Pats/Jets game with her. I stayed in my room except to come down to make her coffee and help bring in the groceries. I’m sorry but I am not going to “sit” with her because she is lonely. That’s Wifey’s job. We have a loooong history of not getting along, so expecting me, now, to be her best friend, is nutz.
Wow, that sounds like a difficult situation. I’m going to ignore the “that’s Wifey’s job”.
Why not give MIL one of the bedrooms - even yours - so she can sleep till midday and the rest of you can enjoy the living parts of the house???
There are ways of getting rid of MIL - kill her or get a divorce. Of course I am kidding. Wait, I did the latter. 
My Ex used to invite his mother from overseas to our house for the holiday, and it would mean 2-3 weeks stay. Ex used to go up to our room after dinner to leave me entertain his mom, or ask me to take her xmas shopping during the day. I also had a history of not getting along with her early on in our marriage (a white guy marrying an Asian girl), so it was hard for me to feel too warmly toward her for a long time. I finally told the Ex that she was his mother and if he wanted her to visit for fews weeks then it was up to him to entertain her. I also asked to have her visit between Thanksgiving and xmas.
I am going to try to be the kind of MIL that my SIL would want me around. I think to not dependent on your kids to keep you entertained when visiting, complaining about food/house decor, helping around the house whenever possible, and more importantly, stay at a hotel if possible.
I will definitely be staying at a hotel if possible if I’m in that situation… After 2 nights I’ve had enough of any guest and I don’t want anyone to feel like that about me.
I hope to be the kind of in law that is welcome (oldfort points out some of the ways) but I’d hope to stay in my kids’ homes. You get more and better quality time. Having said that, I agree with conmama that the best visitors are with you no more than 2 nights. Hopefully, I’ll live close enough that that short of a visit is feasible. My mother lives a 1.5 hour flight away, comes to visit about 3x a year for 48-72 hours. Perfect.
rumrunner, your situation sounds tough. I would definitely speak with your wife about expectations and what I would consider her share of the ‘responsibility’ for tending to your mil.
Why didn’t she take her mother with her?
^^
Because MIL was asleep. lol
Why is she sleeping so late? Different time zone? depressed? stays up late watching TV?
Do moms count? Mine was supposed to visit for 4 days. Ambulance took her to the hospital after the first day. Gets out of the hospital today and we will have her at least another 8 days So 4 days turns into 2 weeks (at least).
I wonder if rumrunner’s wife planned to get up and out before her mother woke up?
Oh no missy pie, I hope everything with your mom goes better.
My mom left today after a week. She was grateful to be here as my sibling didn’t invite her to her house and went on vacation instead. Traitor
Loosely quoting someone: After three days, fish and guests start to stink.
How long will she be with you @rumrunner? I can handle anything for 2 to 3 days but could never have someone in my home for 2 to 3 weeks. That would drive me out of my mind - family or not. Having said that, I did have my own mother living with me for 18 months in the beginning stages of Alzheimers. However, we had a full time nurse taking car of her every need and we had a separate suite in my home just for her. We had our own family space.
I do think that one has to make allowances for the elderly as they can be cranky and demanding sometimes. I was very lucky in that my parents were never like that and lived less than an hour away so they rarely stayed overnight. But people age differently and I would be willing to cater to an elderly relative for 2 to 3 days around a holiday - I would see it as my “duty” as a daughter or DIL. After those 3 days - nope. Family life has to resume - we have responsibilities to our own families as well.
I don’t think I could stand a guest (other than my children) for more than a week.
A picture of a dude and his inlaw. It seems they get along with each other well: (He once had a big bow to him at the request of his then fiancee but he said afterward it was a humiliating experience but he did it to gain some big bonus points. They could not communicated with each other at all so it may help the situation?)
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-NZW4Dlk9HHo/Vit-EK1q2xI/AAAAAAAAsX8/Tcta3WnrHTs/s1600/20151004_172912.jpg
My MIL visited us 5 times, each time staying with us for about 3 months. The first time was tough for us (even my wife agrees this was the case.) – my wife gave birth to our son then and she came to help. But in the end, we needed to spend time in keeping her entertained. Since we just had a baby (and also my wife stayed at a hospital for a little bit longer), it was mostly me who needed to entertain her. Our living space was very limited back then (we were poorer.)
It was much better for the other 3 times. However, the very last time was also challenging (but not because of MIL): she brought with her a nephew and a niece. It is actually more challenging to keep these two young adults entertained! They often got up around noon and did not go to sleep util 3 am. They were somewhat upset just because we did not take them OOS for a long vacation (which we did not promise. I was about to lose my job so we were not willing to do so. For that niece, we once took her to Disneyland for multiple days (when she was very young) so they thought we would do the same this time, but we really could not afford it this time.)
We had 6 guests (sister, BIL, niece, nephew, and parents) here for 6 days. Even though my dad is 78, he does most of the cooking and cleaning up! I thought the visit went really well. I’m lucky that my husband and I get along with my parents so well.
Once, I had to endure distant in-laws, something like cousin’s granddaughter and her friend for almost four weeks. They were 19 years old, dropping towels everywhere and once chewing gums. I had agreed to a two week stay, with them traveling for a week. By the time they booked the flight, it turned into 3 and half weeks with no plans to travel anywhere. They said they liked the house to stay in.
So. What are her options?
She has no space to herself. Where is she allowed to go to not bother you?
Does she have transportation?
Can she walk anywhere?
Does she have the stamina to be out by herself for long periods?
Is she welcome to cook for you?
Are you nice to her ? Are the kids nice to her?
Is she as miserable as you are?
What are her reasons for visiting your family? What are her expectations?
Model the behavior you want your children to have when they are hosting you in their homes in 20 years.
There are different sorts of family stays. My ex noted that only my mom really helped when visiting, and the rest had to be cooked for and entertained. it was fun but wearing.
I come from a family of long visits. Back when she traveled, my mom came for a few weeks at a time, was helpful, and fit into the fabric of our lives. In the days of ship travel, my grandmother would come from the UK and stay for weeks. After she started flying over here, she’s still stay for a few weeks every few years, and that is the only way we really developed a relationship. Brother and sis in law, also on a different continent used to come with their D and stay for two weeks. We’d vacation together, cook together, the cousins would play, and she’d organize a closet or two for me as well as cook amazing meals. Brother would wash all the dishes.
That being said, lives are busy these days and I would have a lot of boundaries in place should someone come stay with me for long.
Old Fort, your post makes me reflect on how things have changed. My dad went thru that sort of nonsense with his mom when he married his last wife, though in time everyone became close and caring. . A few hours ago my new Chinese dau in law and S left for home. Nice having her in the family, and she brightens the visits, smooths his rough places.
That quote is from Ben Fanklin! I used to get so annoyed when parents would visit over the holidays and stay. All were retired and lived in Florida. I was working, raising the kids and just tired and wanted a week off from work to spend in my houseALONE, and schefule play dates for the kids and myself with our friends. I just felt bombarded and resentful. Of course it will depend on how personalities mesh and such…but I need my space, too. I think staying with adult children, if all get along, for 2 nights is plenty.
Just try to keep a sense of humor!!!
I miss my mother-in-law…