How many more days, rumrunner?
You have my sympathy. H used to dump his folks on me and then go to work/out of town/play tennis. Ugh. They were not easy people.
I can understand that “difficult people” are hard to have around.
My late parents used to come for 4-6 week visits and we LOVED it. H loved it, too. My parents were VERY helpful…dad fixing things, putting up shelves, etc…mom helping around the house, dad always did all the dishes.
We MISS them!!!
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You have my sympathy. H used to dump his folks on me and then go to work/out of town/play tennis. Ugh. They were not easy people.
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Ugh!
One time I left my H with his OWN father for 2 hours while his mom and I shopped. Later on, H told me to NEVER leave him alone with his dad. lol Shocking because I could leave my H with MY DAD all day long with no issues at all. H loved my dad and vice versa.
My in laws are lovely people but would never visit on holidays as much as we wanted them to. We would have LOVED to have had family at Christmas. My parents occasionally would make the trip - but my in laws never did. Now my kids are grown, FIL has passed away and so that window is shut. It’s too bad.
All kidding aside…My father passed away few years ago. We miss him every xmas and family holidays. I even miss his crankiness.
Make a rule: each spouse is fully responsible for all contacts, cards, gifts, calls, and entertainment scheduling for their side of family. Rule works for us, well enough for us to formulate a much-needed 2nd rule: overbearing difficult parents arent rewarded, and their deliberate bad behavior has consequences of less contact and more emotional distancing.
~abasket
re: Why not give MIL one of the bedrooms - even yours - so she can sleep till midday and the rest of you can enjoy the living parts of the house???
That would be nice but she questions everything, so if she was in our bedroom she would be tearing into Wifey for how she keeps her room. MIL had Wifey in tears when she found out what we were naming the kids when they were born saying things like “why are you doing this to me” “you’re using that name to punish me”
Re: I’m going to ignore the “that’s Wifey’s job”. I refer to my Wife as Wifey cuz it sounds fun and endearing to me. Sitting with her Mom to keep her company for long stretches of time is not my responsibility in my opinion. If the tables were turned, I would consider myself responsible to entertain my parents. In fact we don’t even see my parents as much, just a couple hrs on Christmas day.
~CTTC
Re: Why didn’t she take her mother with her?
I suspect because she needed her space. She says she goes to yoga on Sundays and usually leaves the house for that period of time.
They argue a lot. Wifey’s Dad passed a couple fo years ago. He used to be the referee, and now Wifey has to get by on her own. The two of them are always at each other’s throats but usually find a way to get over it and move on. From what I can tell it’s been this way Wifey’s whole life. MIL has had issues with friends and relatives over the years and has been cut off from contact for several years at a time from some of them.
~mom2collegekids
Re: Why is she sleeping so late? Different time zone? depressed? stays up late watching TV?
She is 88, has bad eating and sleeping habits. Never eats protein, just carbs, like toast and candy and then complains that she’s hungry and dizzy. She lives 2 hrs away and yes I think profoundly depressed now that her spouse has passed. She lives in an elder residence, which is like the Hyatt Regency.
~harvestmoon1
Re: I do think that one has to make allowances for the elderly as they can be cranky and demanding sometimes.
We agree of course, especially when we’re talking about a family Matriarch. Wifey is an only child and has no help from siblings. I help when and where I can. I drive her to relatives for holidays, help around her house before she sold it, help moderate arguments between her and her daughter. Help keep the kids from complaining or laughing at her when she makes a mistake.
~saz
Re:
She has no space to herself. GOOD POINT Where is she allowed to go to not bother you? SHE IS ELDERLY AND FRAIL SO CAN REALLY ONLY STAY ON OUR 1ST FLOOR WITH LIVING ROOM, DINING ROOM & KITCHEN Does she have transportation? NO Can she walk anywhere? NO Does she have the stamina to be out by herself for long periods? NO Is she welcome to cook for you? YES BUT COMPLANS AND INSULTS US BECAUSE OF HOW OR WHERE WE KEEP OUR THINGS. I.E. “WHY ARE YOUR GLASSES HERE? I DON’T KEEP MY GLASSES HERE” “OH I CAN’T FIND ANYTHING” Are you nice to her? YES, OF COURSE, AND WHEN SHE GETS NASTY I REMOVE MYSELF FROM THE AREA SHE IS IN. THE KIDS STILL TRY TO REFEREE. Are the kids nice to her? YES OF COURSE Is she as miserable as you are? OH YES What are her reasons for visiting your family? SHE IS TERRIBLY LONELY What are her expectations? I PLEASANT VISIT, BUT THAT WAS OVER AFTER A FEW HOURS. IT WOULD BE BETTER OF SHE LIVED CLOSE THEN WE COULD HAVE A NICE VISIT AND THEN IT WOULD BE OVER Model the behavior you want your children to have when they are hosting you in their homes in 20 years.
Good point
~ksm
Re:Just try to keep a sense of humor!!! I miss my mother-in-law…
Understood, and we remind ourselves of that all the time. One of my HS friends recently lost both his parents and after he found out I was visiting mine a couple weeks ago he started crying and said I would give anything to have my Dad yell at me for anything right now
~lizardly
Re: How many more days
Just found out after driving our son in to Boston to do his college radio show and visit an art gallery they are driving to CT. stopped at a rest area and fighting like animals. MIL is loose in the McDonalds cuz she didn’t want Wifey to get her coffee.
Last night the two of them were sitting on the couch watching a movie. It wasn’t long before they were screaming at each other. Then Wifey came up stairs to scream at me. Then she went back downstairs and they made up. Then Wifey came to bed and acted like nothing was wrong. I tell you, it’s best if I just keep my distance after a certain number of hours. sigh at least tonight will be peaceful
I really really really really value my quiet time and privacy at home. When you have guests, no matter how nice or helpful they are, no matter how well you get along, they are in your private space and you cannot necessarily be completely yourself with them around, and vice versa for sure. Or there is a sense that you must entertain them or constantly interact with them, at least for a great part of the day. After a few days, it begins to get uncomfortable for me. When DH and I visit D1 and her BF, we stay in a hotel just blocks from their house, even though we were offered their blow up mattress to sleep on. That just wouldn’t work for us, particularly in the sense of privacy. I could NEVER have an inlaw, or even my own parents, in my home for 3 months. I don’t know how any of you do that. Maybe you are just better people than I am. Our parents all live relatively close, so there is no reason for any of them to stay with us long term. And that is a very good thing. It doesn’t speak to how much we love them, just to the fact that having our own space and family privacy is a priority for us. I know in many cultures, that is a foreign concept, or at least they don’t have the luxury of being able to maintain separate households.
D1 brought her SO home for Christmas this year. They were here for 5 days, and everything went very smoothly. I encouraged them to get out and about and do their own thing as much as they desired. And they did, which helped with that feeling of responsibility for keeping someone entertained and/or occupied. Nevertheless, I’m sure they were glad to get back to their normal lives and environments, and we were happy to get back to normal as well. LOVED the visit, am sad they won’t be here next Christmas, but glad we were not in each other’s hair for every minute of every day.
Rumrunner, it was really nice of you to answer all the questions/comments!
Sounds like you are all doing the best you can - too bad you all seems somewhat miserable! Some people really make it hard for us to spend time and be with them, right?
My whole extended family spend a week together at my mom’s place every xmas. They all stay with my mother and my family alway stay at a hotel. We spend all day at mom’s place then go back to the hotel for a good night sleep. This is the first year some younger niece and nephews are saying they may stay at a hotel next year.
Rumrunner, my only suggestion would be to make the visits shorter in the future. At 88 you are probably dealing with some level of dementia along with all the baggage of your wife’s past relationship with her mother. There are no good solutions. Hang in there!
My mother was lovely and everyone loved having her to visit. She always helped around the house. When I had newborns she did loads and loads of laundry and cooked for us. It was great. She’s still basically nice, but frail, and anxious and pretty dotty. It’s exhausting having her to visit now.
I know that old folks can be cranky. How do yall deal with non-stop negativity? It just beats me down. I can’t cope with it for more than a few days (and I have at least a week more to go )
@Nrdsb4 …you expressed it to the “T” how I feel! I get really cranky after 2 days without my privacy and never feel like I can completely relax, which is exhausting. I would get up early to go to work, and MIL would come downstairs as I was trying to have some me time and wake up…like anywhere between 5:30- 6:30. Got to the point I would get up,immediately take my shower and be out of the house very early because I was becoming semi rude if I saw her.
Then you know how it is…as soon as you walk in the door you are “on”, and feel like you have to just sit and talk when you have a million things you want to do. It was so much easier before they all moved to Florida.
I just want to say something. My Dad passed away this July. Yes, I loved him. He was a very difficult man in more ways than I want to get into. I have my moments of grief and sadness, but honestly I don’t miss him very much. Sometimes the well meaning statements of “enjoy them while you have them” isn’t always relevant.
Count me in the group who needs privacy and quiet. I host a big thanksgiving each year and have an additional 18 people sleeping over for two nights. It’s come to where Wednesday night after we eat and greet, etc most everyone goes to my basement for ping pong, pool, air hockey, drinking laughing, etc I tend to slip away to my room. I’ve realized they’re so happy to see each other and so much going on I’m not missed.
My mom is difficult. I’ll leave it at that. She’s also a chief guilter and complainer. I took her in last year and after she fired the aides, nurses and pt who were coming to help I packed her up and sent her back home. She was going to stay a month or so and I made it 10 days before losing it.
@rumrunner, your MIL sounds like my MIL! I am in the process of helping her move to a retirement community close to us. The process is hard, but I am looking forward to having her close enough so that we can have more frequent short visits and no overnights. She has had a very difficult life and while I understand why she is the way she is, it’s still very trying. @missypie, hang in there! I feel for you!
So sorry rum runner and missy pie. It’s so hard. My mom is pretty negative and complains a lot. Everything that happens to her is a catastrophe. Oh my.
Grin and bear it. And rum runner your mil needs to go back to her routine and home. Make an excuse but take her back to her place.
Think Zoloft or some SSRI.
Seriously, my dad fell apart when my mom died unexpectedly. He resisted moving into a facility and balked at the idea of an aide. I would come by almost daily with dinner. A second stroke, and need for dialysis, and I had to move him into a facility “temporarily”. The good food, the activities, PT, and yes, the meds which he didn’t question, made him a much happier person.
If he had moved in with me, I would have been the one on meds. When I come home from work, I need to relax!!!
I’m incredibly lucky. My mother in law is great. Whenever she comes to visit, she helps us out so much that we have to remind her to relax and enjoy herself.
She has her quirks like anyone else, though. She likes to tell me to do things that are part of my normal routine anyway 
It’s funny. It would probably drive a lot of guys crazy, but I let it roll of my back, because she’s so sweet and helpful. I let it roll for a week or so I’ll admit , the few times that she stayed for 10 days or more got a little stressful.
There’s only so much you can roll off your back
Since this is a CC topic, I think it is good to tell your children how to be a good houseguest (and yes, you are a houseguest even if you are an 88 year old grandma).
- be flexible, fit into the household as well as possible, eat when people eat, sleep when people sleep, be ready to go on outings when people go out, be ready to sit on the couch and chat when that is happening
- be gracious, do not complain if things are not perfect, adequate is good, barely adequate is still not complaint worthy
- be neat … pick up after yourself and if housekeeping is not their thing, well maybe just clean up … no one really minds you washing dishes or washing clothes or dusting or vacuuming (OK, some would mind … but not me … just say something like, I feel bad just sitting around, do you mind if I help you pick up room X or do the dishes or put away the dishes or whatever). But don’t be a pain, don’'t vacuum while the game is on, don’t complain about where dishes are kept, and don’t hide things … or make a mess by putting laundry on the couch …
- have some ideas on activities that would make you happy … people worry you are not doing things, so throw out some suggestions that meet your needs, interests, physical limitations whatever … .maybe its dinner out, maybe its some sightseeing from a car, maybe its a ride to the train station for a long outing, maybe its company for a mall trip
- don’t demand things from people
- if your needs are great, and you have resources, use them to make yourself and your loved ones happy (aka assisted living nearby so you can spend hours together often).
Now old people sometimes can’t do these things … but they can try … at least for some time.
If your relatives are in the mid-80s, can’t really get around, sleep all day … well, you know where that is going … so concentrate on the big things … spending some quality time together … or letting your kids spend quality time with them … or keeping them safe and warm.
Miss my parents and even MIL this year, all gone in the last 5 years in their 80s and 90s.
Unfortunately, lots of people have major issues as they age … mine did … and then like I said safe and warm and well cared for … and keep yourself happy and sane. If wifey did yoga, maybe you need a night out to see the Star Wars movie or maybe there is a project you need to go to Home Depot for a few hours …
I think many older people push us all up the 30 complaints a day average!