They are old, feel bad, can’t hear well, and probably know they are not really that entertaining to be around.
If you can, let it roll off your back, do your best to love and maybe entertain them (including finding them nice senior home or senior center where they can discuss their various ailments with like minded individuals). If not, find like minded individuals to help you recover from your elder duties. Actually, I found the more I talked about my parents health issues the more people I knew turned out to have similar worries. The sandwich generation with kids in high school or younger and elderly parents is very large … you have lots of company.
I think at some point you have to make a decision on whether you are doing everything reasonable and then just let them tough out the small stuff, like whether dinner is 15 minutes late, or whether the gravy has too much pepper, or whether you are storing you dishes properly, or even if their grandchildren are spending too much time gaming or watching TV. If they are safe and loved … you are successful … and you can listen to their … comments … with just half an ear …
My husband is visiting his mother on another state right now. I opted to stay home. It’s never a pleasant experience, and I already did it within the last couple of months.
I’m too old to put up with unpleasant situations…when I can avoid them.
So interesting!
Early on I insisted my H take time off work when MIL visited. She loved the time alone with just him and I loved it too :D.
My own mother was a true narcissistic, not just negative but caustic. She hurt so many many people.
Only one sister misses her. Very sad.
I did tell her when she was recuperating at my B’s very nice home that she could not come and stay with me.
She was finding issue after issue with them, later fired 27 caretakers before dying.
SO! How are we going to be different? Because I really believe that we all already are trying to be kinder and more understanding of our children. We would rather curl up in a corner than be the way many (not all, lucky you) of our own parents have been.
I love having house guests. I’ve had a sister for six months, my son, wife and two kids stayed for three months once. Have had visitors for weeks at a time that I’ve loved to have around. However, there are some that get on my nerves after a couple of hours. My mother, for example, cannot stay with me. My Father could move in as far as I’m concerned. My InLaws annoyed me in the first day. My SIL annoys me before she gets here.
Here are some hints on how not to annoy your hosts: when they ask you not to help with something, then don’t. I just spent over an hour trying to find the three separate pieces to my juicer because said SIL emptied dishwasher when I asked her not to. She puts things in random places.
Picking up after yourself is a given. But don’t criticize how others do things. You put your silverware in whatever drawer you want in your home. Leave mine where it is.
Occasionally contribute to the household: buy a bag of groceries if you’re staying for a week. If we go out to eat, at least offer to pay your share.
I have two DILs. One lived here for three months and I was sad to see her go. One I’m relieved to see leave after a week. I love them both dearly but the first goes with the flow and notices how things are done. The other expects that everybody will adjust their schedule to HER baby’s schedule. We are not allowed to have desserts while they are here so her son is not exposed to sweets. No TV unless in a closed room where he won’t know it’s there. If someone needs to use the bathroom while son is napping they must use the one furthest away from his room as to not disturb. Yeah. Gets old after a week. But it’s the price I am willing to pay to see my son and grandchildren often
I too plan on not being the MIL nobody wants visiting so keep up the suggestions. But I do try to have a little sympathy for the elderly and try to be patient with my mother. Luckily she lives close enough she won’t need to stay with me for days.
MIL has been here for almost a week and we have had a great visit! It is a far cry from the old days when she and FIL used to be invited and book their trip…for THREE WEEKS! H never said anything b/c his parents were coming from far away and he understood they wanted to maximize their time and money. FIL was always super demanding: three square meals a day (MIL jumped up to do it all for him!) and wanted to play cards every.single.night. MIL was always very helpful and cooked a lot but since H was always entertaining with the card playing, I was the one doing all the laundry, cleaning and child duties.
Flash forward to this year. FIL passed away two years ago and this is her first visit since. We invited her, she booked a trip and we were shocked to see it was short and sweet for one week! She has been helpful but not overly so (which is nice, because she pretty much took over my kitchen and cleaned things I did not want cleaned and re-arranged!) and has enjoyed games with us, but not demanded that we play them.
I entertain my mom when she is here i.e. getting her out of the house for lunch and shopping trips, movies, etc. and I flat out told H he is in charge of keeping things flowing with his mom. He took days off over the break and I actually scheduled myself to work some days so it worked out well! We are both looking forward to having our house back though!!!
As someone who is approaching the elderly stage – I’m 67 – I wonder about this too. Right now I visit my two children maybe for three days once or twice a year, and I try to keep a low profile. I take them (and their GFs) out to dinner, maybe cook a meal, maybe go to the grocery store by myself and buy the ingredients for dinner or replenish whatever I’ve eaten in their fridge. Often while I’m there they’ll be at work, so I just piddle around their house, go for walks, play with their dogs, and try to amuse myself. I hope I’m a reasonable guest, and I hope I can remain a reasonable guest. I do have a few physical complaints that I try not to complain about – I think I have more interesting things to talk about.
But who knows? In ten years, when both sons have children, maybe I’ll be all over them, telling them how to raise them and whining about my ailments. I hope not.
VeryHappy, it sounds like you are a wonderful guest! The rare occasions they did, i so appreciated having a home cooked meal when I came home from work! I also enjoyed being taken out to eat. Once, DH made the comment to his Mom that since she was retired and we weren’t, we should be paying for HER and her husbands dinner. This is when all his siblings and them had gone out once. Well, let’s just say that every frickin visit here or in Florida, we paid. Come on! She really took advantage of that. This last visit after I got laid off, I sort of made an unspoken point by eating all meals at home, even when I could tell they wanted to go out.
Sure, sometimes they would meekly get out their wallets, but when DH said no we would pay…they never argued. We’ve only known her new husband a few years, I don’t feel we owe him anything, especially since we are the hotel.
I used to think I will grow old in place wherever my only child ends up. This thread makes me realize visits can be an issue if it’s a long distance trip. It looks to me I should move to a place an hour or two from my kid once they settle.
When my dad was alive my parents were fine to stay for as long as they kiked, but it was never long. My mom then started expected to be waited on hand and foot. She even once handed my hubby her undies to wash for her.
Now she’s older and in a really nice facility she’d rather live with one of us. Years ago my husband put his foot down and said not in this house. She makes it so stressful we’d be divorced.
On the flip side my hubby’s parents seem to not want to visit us at all. His sister lives nearby with younger kids and once they were born we were dropped like hot potatoes. They assumed incorrectly my kids didn’t want to see them. I used to not tell my kids they were coming until they actually showed up on our doorstep because they would look forward to seeing them and they’d cancel or only go see the other family. Last year my son saw them at the door and he got a huge smile on his face and my mil was shocked he was so happy to see her.
Thanks for the responses to everyone’s questions! So 9 - 3 Sunday is your wife’s personal out-of-the-house time. That’s quite a chunk of time when Mama is visiting! Unfair to you. I suggest YOU take the same amount of time out of the house for your time.
My father was very tight with his wallet when he was alive. He never paid for anything if he was with us. We paid for a lot of their vacations and meals out. At the same time, because of his frugality, he also left my mom very comfortable after he passed away. My mother has surprised us a few times by paying for our dinners out. It was very much appreciated and I could see my mother took some pleasure in doing it too.
thanks all for letting me vent a little and for commiserating with me. MIL has been a great Grandmother and is very generous with our kids and my Wife. she made it back last night and despite feuding in the car they went out to dinner. Wifey stayed over and is now stuck on the MASS Pike in hellish traffic due to the storm today and all the rush hour leftover crashes. she’ll be exhausted and looking for some freedom when she gets home. and I’ll sleep better
My husband and kid will be in the same mass pike traffic later…after his visit (sans me) to my inlaws.
It’s ok to vent here. I will go on the record…I will never spend more than 20 minutes alone with my MIL again…ever. She seizes the opportunity to be mean if given even that long.
I always wondered how one acquired parents or in laws who cooked for them! Even when they came to visit when I had newborns neither mom cooked for me.
Once my FIL announced a plan to cook us all a great dinner because I was so busy. He went out and bought very nice steaks. The menu that he planned was steak, baked potatoes, fresh asparagus and crescent rolls. You can guess that his cooking us dinner was grilling the steaks. It was up to me to cook the rest of “his” meal. Any help is always appreciated but he made such a big deal about him having cooked a great meal for all of us because I was so busy.
My dad always insists on cooking and cleaning up afterwards! He’s 78! I have to argue with him if I think I should cook! He also pays for everything. I took a group of us out for dessert last week and grabbed the bill. He said, “Wow, I’m not used to that!” and I felt like telling him it’s because he never gives anybody the chance! I know, what a problem!
My H and father used to have a literal “battle for the bill” when we went out to dinner. My mom and I used to laugh because both of them seemed to have some objection to the other one paying. It got to the point where it wasn’t playful jostling for the bill anymore, but more of a duel.
We had dinner out with my parents a few times before we were married and H would grin and bear it when my father would literally insist on paying. But after we got married H said he felt uncomfortable having him pay, so it was always an argument at the end of each meal. H actually resorted to only booking restaurants where we went frequently and he would call ahead and let them know he was “hosting.” Then after reiterating that to the hostess when we arrived, he would at some point in the evening corner our waiter and instruct him to deliver the bill to him only. Still not sure what that was all about but they were like 2 stubborn bulls neither giving way. This went on until the day my father passed away.
My Dad was always so generous financially his whole life to us, that neither DH or I minded insisted paying in these latter years, which pleased Dad so much…he was tickled we wanted to treat him. He would proudly say to the wait staff…" My children are treating me to dinner"! Dad never seemed to take it for granted and did insist that he pay from time to time.
H hates fighting with my dad, since it seems to upset him, so instead we sometimes “happen to have” gift cards for restaurants and all go out “for free.” It seems to work. He does let us treat him and mom to dessert. Dad really enjoys treating people, but we always offer but he likes to “win” and be able to pay.
My parents are fortunate enough to be well off, and while they like to pick up the tab, they also appreciate if someone else does at times. I make it a point of doing so.
