@thumper1 - good for your dh.
We do not think we will likely have the “fighting for the bill” issue in the future. We could not afford it. (I will most likely become a father like oldfort’s now-deceased father, who rarely if ever paid the bill. LOL.) It is likely the case that our “child” could be better than us financially in the future (but not now.) Even now, I think we eat out at a cheaper place than he does when he is with his GF (It is not his “fault”; he has to, I think, considering her “different” growing up background.)
But we will not be treated by him often. We do not feel comfortable accepting this. I could not convince my wife to retire in a lower COL country which is far away from here where we could retire much more comfortably, but I am not able to convince her. I am also aware that it is “cruel” to separate her from our son too far away. It is a dilemma for us.
We actually estimate the size of our nest egg during this long break. I think it is not enough but somehow my wife is more optimistic than me, even when we look at the same number. Do women tend to be more optimistic about financials?!
How can there be any consensus about “women”? As with anything some women are more optimistic and some are more pessimistic.
It is true. I always think my wife is more resilient than me. I think it has something to do with her childhood (her family was more struggling financially as compared to mine (but almost no verbal abuse – her mother and my MIL is a great woman who never gives me any trouble. Her husband left her for another woman and she was still optimistic in her life and “lived strong” and all her children love her dearly) when she was in secondary school and even a part of her college years. So she has “seen it all.” Didn’t I mention before that she had no choice but to quit college temporarily to run a small business for the livelihood of her family when she was in college (about 20 -21 yo) when they could not rely on the financial support from her farher?)
re: paying for elders, I use this line when they try to insist they pay: “how often do I offer?” then they sit back and think, oh yeah he hardly ever offers, so let the dumbness pay if he wants. works every time 
In defense of MCAT, you have cultural norms combined with what sounds like overbearing and likely manipulative parents. And young parents who are also immigrants, trying to link the two cultures. I can see not only giving in, at that time, to keep the peace, but also being manipulated by those parents to feel like you are the bad guy, the disrespectful, bad child.
Why? Because my in laws were so very manipulative and were so very good at it. It was not until I was an adult in my 40s that I had enough time to spend with some of their friends and co-workers and to become fully confident that it really was them, not us. Since that time I have not wasted any energy arguing or trying to change them, but rather set boundaries for my sanity. They are my DH’s parents, it is not my call to cut them off, but it is my call to protect my famiy and sanity and I have done that.
@mcat certainly you could invite your son and his GF out to your local pizza place and order a couple of pies and a pitcher of beer. Or to a local burger or Thai place. Dinners out need not be expensive affairs - some of the most enjoyable dinners we have had have been at such places with our children and their friends. Everyone is relaxed. It’s nice to extend an invitation once in a while and you can make it clear upfront where you are going so everyone is on the same page.
Accept if he extends the invitation. He wants to do it or he would not ask. Sitting down to a meal together is a way of connecting and he may feel rejected if you decline. Let someone do something nice for you - it makes them feel good.
@HarvestMoon1,
Thanks.
Currently, they are far away and really do not have time to travel here. But the other day, I heard that when DS called my wife (I was at work because it was day time), his GF joined the conversation a little. It made my wife very happy. (I heard she actually spoke a couple of sentences at the beginning using our native tongue! She likely picked up a little bit of our native language in a college or high school foreign language class. DS had to remind my wife when she started to switch to English, having some concern that my wife did not know that she had switched to her main language, English.)
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Not about the in-law’s relationship, rather, it’s about the “manipulative” parents/daughter relationship: (The following is a story that I heard of recently.)
A 29 yo daughter was required by her parents to live at home because the company she worked for is in the same city where her parents live. She really wanted to move out but doing so would be against her parents’ will. She lied that her company relocated her to another city in order to “escape” from her parents’s home. She actually could not find a new job in her new city for almost a year and relied on her savings (to her credit, she had likely saved quite a bit because she could survive without a job for a year!) to survive for almost a year. Her parents finally found out what had been going on because of some event that I would not want to go into its details. The parents were very upset but finally gave in and traveled to her city to visit her (she was actually at hospital.)
Why would a 29 yo need to lie in order to move out even when she could totally financially support herself?! She really dare not tell her parents that she prefers to live outside of her parents’ home. No BF/GF issue here (the D might be depressed for her life situation though), purely parents/child issue. I really feel sorry for her. (This happened in another country – and it is not considered as a very “backward” country by most.)
The book Boundaries by Dr Henry Cloud.
Sometimes one has to learn how to deal really well with manipulative people that are relatives, so not easy to just ignore.