An older acquaintance of mine has 4 children, 2 of them went to state university nearby and lived at home, other 2 went to OSS schools and lived in dorms. He says things like level of connection with parents, interest in religion and family, regard for family values are so much better in ones who lived at home.
Many older fellows in that gathering agreed with him and said if they knew, they wouldn’t have sent kids away or at least not have agreed to sponsor this experiment of turning their own kids into strangers.
What’s your experience has been like? Did college took your kids away and transformed them into someone you can hardly relate to or have no strong connection with?
We were proud that our kids grew into even more responsible and independent adults as college students. That’s part of something called…growing up.
Did these other parents think their kids would always remain exactly like they were in high school, sharing only the same convictions as their families?
I did not view college as paying for an “experiment of turning my kids into strangers”.
Our kids are not the same as they were when they lived with us…and that’s fine. We can share our differences, and similarities with each other on an adult basis.
I still relate to and have strong connections with my daughters. They both went to college out of state and both of them live far away, one on the West Coast and one on the East Coast. I think they continually change and become better people.
I think it was less about what kids gained or lost and more about loss for parents themselves. However, as a parent I can sympathize with them, just as I can understand fears of homeschooling parents, even though I don’t agree with either group.
Well, parents have to be able to accept some loss- it’s called “leaving the nest.” I realize some kids have to live at home for college due to financial or other reasons but it sure would not have suited our family!
^^^ Should add- both of our kids went to boarding school- one for 4 years and one for the last 2 years of high school, so that was a much bigger adjustment and sacrifice than the departure for college.
“I think it was less about what kids gained or lost and more about loss for parents themselves. However, as a parent I can sympathize with them, just as I can understand fears of homeschooling parents, even though I don’t agree with either group.”
Well, as a homeschooling parent I don’t think you can categorize there. My rising senior that homeschools is applying to just 1 local school as a safety and we will certainly have him dorm at least the first year if he ends up attending that school. My kid starting homeschooling in 2nd grade because he was an out of the box gifted learner and the school system was failing him. He chose to continue for high school because he was engaged in some time intensive extracurriculars, he was excelling academically and because we can dual enroll in our state 2 years for free. Plenty of parents homeschool because it is may be their most cost effective alternative to educating an atypical learner. Or a kid with anxiety or LD’s or parents with atypical schedules, etc. It’s not necessarily about sheltering kids. We aren’t religious at all either.
My kid is applying to colleges all over the country. Sorry for the aside. I dislike stereotyping entire groups of people. There are cautious, over sheltering, helicopter parents who’ve made a variety of educational choices for their kids. I’m not saying their aren’t homeschoolers like this out there. I’m just saying plenty of people make that choice not out of fear.
Our son changed dramatically during his boarding school years and continued to change and grow at a military academy. I post frequently about how much I have missed him over the years, but I am in awe of the man he has become. We have no regrets about his boarding school education, but we would have preferred to see him at a civilian college. He had other plans for himself, though, and I do believe that he made a better college choice for himself than we would have made had the decision been ours to make. When we were raising our son, never in a million years did we envision the person he is today. We have very different points of view, but our discussions are richer for all those things he has experienced and pondered apart from us. We learn a lot from each other now.
No matter how hard it hurts, I believe that letting go, sooner rather than later, is a necessary part of the process of letting them grow up to be their best independent selves — and that is one of the greatest gifts we can give our children.
Not yet and hopefully that won’t happen. D now 24 went 45 min away and has lived 1000 miles away the last 2 years since she graduated. She has grown up but I don’t think her core values have changed. We keep in touch and visit as much as we can. D18 and S19 will both be long distance so we’ll see.
I’m not judging but just curious if your friend has very extreme views in some way? My guess would be the more extreme views might create more of a chance of having a child make very different choices.
Our kids both went out-of-town for college, 2500 miles away (5 hour flight). They both continued to grow while away from us and we love the people they have become and remain close, though one still lives in that city and the other moved to the East Coast, 5000 miles away. They are definitely NOT strangers, but I’m glad they have their own friends and interests and opinions. I have always enjoyed their company and continue to do so. D did attend a local CC for 3 semesters and I enjoyed having her here but am happy she was able to spread her wings more at the U further from us.
My son appreciated the opportunity to reinvent himself in college and tried all sorts of new things he wouldn’t have done in high school
D2 found her voice in part by choosing a small school where she would be forced to do so (she’s always been the snarky quiet one) and appreciated being in a place where no one had ever heard of her extroverted older brother.
D3 spend undergrad years close to home (possibly a mistake but great financial choice) and spread her wings in grad school.
I liked the kids they used to be, and I really like the adults they’ve become. Which is a good thing, because I don’t really have a choice, do I?
While our relationships with our adult kids are very different than when they were younger, we are all still very close. They all have their own opinions and POV yet fundamentally still similar at the core. They all still actively share our faith. (Which is probably why our core values are still similar.)
We are closer with our oldest ds since he has gotten married and had kids. I love our dil; she is very much a family person.
Fwiw, our kids have so far gone away to public Us in 3 different states. (Our Jr wants to live at home and commute.)
We became closer to our daughters. They were away, but experiencing the responsibility and while we gave them the space, we also were supportive. When home, they did have to fit back into family, but with respect for their opinions and desires.
It was a year into college when I realized just how very much D1 is like me, even in ways I didn’t think I had exposed her to. Both are out of college but it’s still uncanny to see yourself in your kids, how they think or react or solve aproblem. I worried they may have picked up some of my bad traits or weaknesses, too.
Yes, it is amazing how much our kids do absorb from us. D said that she votes very similarly to me, as she believes we share most political opinions. As much as love H, his opinions are a bit different from mine and hers (and S’s). We do respect the differences and find them interesting food for discussion.
It also seems like a chicken and egg thing? Did the ones who stayed home do so BECAUSE they had a closer connection? I couldn’t wait to get away. Not TOO far away, but away enough to separate.
Both kids went away to school. My sophomore son is 5 hours away. He really grew up. The somewhat introverted engineering student became a confident talking person. His change was 100 % percent positive and think his maturity has risen. He calls it going away to college and growing up. I have heard it called the “Michigan effect”. I think we became closer and he will even let us give him a hug goodbye… At college!
My junior daughter was always self-sufficient but also grew a lot. They are becoming young responsible adults. As she gets older it seems we actually get closer also. It’s nice to see.
I personally think they are appreciating us more. They also appreciate what they have. They see kids with a lot less.
I was going to make similar point as @porcupine98. It’s hard to know cause/effect for the kids the go further from home and change more.
Kids change. And that is OK. The one thing to keep in mind though is that often students that go to school far from home stay far away after graduation. DS is still in Boston, 2000 miles away. But we knew that could happen. No regrets. (Luckily we live in a place that is interesting to visit, and we have family we visit near him.)
What were they disappointed in? That the kids who went farther away grew more independent, didn’t think exactly like their parents, grew intellectually and socially, didn’t always agree with parent point of view? What?
