I recently had an exchange about this with my in-laws that has resulted in both me and (one of) my sister-in-law at least temporarily cutting off contact with our parents-in-law. Context: Mr R is the youngest of 3 boys who are very close. Mr R, his oldest brother’s wife, and me were all in the same small program so we were friends long before any of us started dating. The oldest brother was also in the program but several years ahead of us. The middle brother went to a different university.
I was visiting my in-laws and Mr R was doing something outside so I was alone with them. Out of the blue, they start ripping into me about politics. They both detail how disappointed they are that their sons (2 of the 3) were brainwashed by the university and us (Mr. R’s brother’s wife). They said they raised their boys as good conservative Catholics and consider themselves failures because they’re no longer conservative Catholics.
This was not a close family that invested a lot of time into their children. By the time Mr R came around, they basically decided they were done raising kids. My SIL and I had to teach our spouses basic things like how to use an ATM and be semi-functioning adults. I met Mr R the first day of college and he was definitely not conservative by then. He never had been. His parents just didn’t know that because the boys weren’t allowed to express opinions different than their parents so they just kept quiet.
Anyway, I shot back that we (Mr R and I) were happy, independent adults. We’ve just entered our late 20s and we both have jobs we love, a house, a dog, and are as deeply in love as the day we got together. We don’t rely on our parents for anything and he has been my rock through getting sick. And most importantly- we’re happy.
I thanked them for raising such an amazing set of boys (I love both of my BILs very much) and said I was sorry that they felt like failures.
My parents raised me to be an independent thinker. They’re open about how college changed me: I went more to the left (and dragged them with me) and I came out of my shell. I’m very, very different from how my parents were as young adults but in a good way. They constantly tell me how proud they are of me. The difference between my parents and in-laws is night and day.
@romanigypsyeyes yikes. Good for you and your husband. I must live in a bubble. I thought those people were just in movies. Didn’t realize they are a real thing.
@romanigypsyeyes - Sorry for that tough situation with FIL. It saddens me that our kids are no longer interests in church etc, but I am pleased that they have good and kind hearts.
On a more humorous note …as CO parents, we do get a kick out of the fact that our Boston son is still a die hard Broncos fan. He has actually come home twice to go to Broncos/Patriots games, and sometimes he arranges to watch Broncos games via TV/internet with his CO sis.
In addition to the good points made in many posts above, some of the difference between the kids who stayed close to home and those who went away to college may be due to the selection effect. IOW, the kids who chose top stay close to home may have chosen that option because they were homebodies who were a bit more malleable and wanted a closer family connection while those who went away were more eager to be independent of their families. Neither is better than the other IMO, but the kids themselves may have been different from the start.
@romanigypsyeyes that sounds like a “WTH?” in law confrontation. I know you gave it right back and with support for you and your H - atta girl.
Is this statement for real??
“Their kids who stayed at home or nearby, had proximity and continued influence of parents so they didn’t change as much and are emotionally closer to them.”
Emotionally closer? Or…emotionally dependent or controlled?
I can’t EVEN with that statement.
I had a close emotional relationship with all 3 of my kids as they got older and continue to as they are young adults. Being emotionally closer doesn’t mean you know where they are each minute of the day or that they are sleeping down the hall each night. At least not the “emotionally closer” I look for in life relationships!
Lots of young adults go through a period (months, years, even decades) of time where they consider how they were raised (religion, gender roles, money management, manners, etc) vs what they are seeing out in the world. I know I did. They will ultimately keep what makes sense to them, and discard what does not. I would be much more concerned if my kids never did this, than I will be once they both do. I just hope to keep lines of communication open by encouraging respect for all viewpoints. I actually look forward to these discussions of how their life experiences differ from mine and how that impacts how they choose to lead their life.
Our university was literally 5 minutes away from my in-laws and we visited all the time to watch football. The “good” son went to a uni several states away.
What really gets under my skin though is that at their core, they have very similar values- they value family, working with marginalized populations, etc. They just express it differently.
Plus my SIL and I bristle at the idea that our husbands, who we love very much, are failures in any way, shape, or form.
“Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life”
From Steve Jobs 2005 Stanford commencement address
I know this intellectually in my head–that my kids need to lead their own lives as I have mine. But I still can’t help trying to put MY idea of THEIR perfect life out of my mind. I can’t turn off the mom gene. I’m trying my best to quit giving more unwanted advice to either of them.
I know they are very capable and smart and I’m proud of both.
One shrugs off the “advice” gracefully and acknowledges my fears for THEM and so I feel more reassured in some small way that I’ve at least been heard on some level. I don’t get a vote but at least I was heard.
The other takes my “advice” more as a criticism of themselves–which it isn’t meant to be. I need to learn to convey my “worry” in other ways. Just not there yet. But working on it.
There’s definitely been a transformation, though the same person is in there. After 3 years of college (600 miles from the town she grew up in), working in some other city every summer and spending 6 months abroad, D has changed. She is more confident, for one. Her world has broadened considerably. She counts as friends many people who are very different from her in terms of religion, ethnicity, race, political persuasion, grew up in city/county/some other country. She has an appreciation for viewpoints she simply wasn’t exposed to before.
We have as strong a connection as ever, maybe stronger? We were always close - single mom and only daughter dynamic, plus that’s just how we were. We still are, and I am thrilled for the opportunities she has had, and created for herself. Obviously I see her far less than I used to, but the time we do have together is amazing and now typically it is visiting/vacationing or something fun, not just daily living and HS activities and sports and such as before. I am no longer necessary as part of her daily life…she doesn’t need me to clothe or house her or take her places, she handles it all. And she mostly pays her own bills, including tuition. I still get calls when she wants to talk something through, and I love that.
I have an older son who stayed close to home and he has grown too, but IMO is not as dramatically different as she. He’s successful and talented and I love being with him too, but he is comfy where he is and prefers to stay. That’s great right now - he’s taken over our house while I travel for a year.
And me? Definitely changed. My main job as I see it is over - they are flown and thriving. I’ll always be there for them and I’ll always enjoy their company, but the relationship is not one of dependent and provider anymore. It’s more like friend and confidante and advisor.
I do notice a difference between kids who do go far away and live on or near campus bs those who stay at home and commute, especially as we live on an island. We are glad we could offer our kids the opportunity to go out and spend time in other places. We feel it was very good for them and us.
I also live on an island – but my island happens to be Manhattan!
Despite the onslaught of languages, cultures, foods, economic levels, political persuasions, art, esthetics, lights and sounds that my kids grew up with, I am looking forward to sending them as far away to a different experience as they can. They’ve already traveled by themselves (different kids, not all one kid) to Alaska, South Dakota, Italy, Tennessee, Missouri, sleep-away camp several times, and other places. Before college. And they’ve taken themselves to school on subways and buses by themselves since about age 11.
If they went off to Grinnell in the middle of a cornfield, I would be delighted. Or frankly if one of them developed a sudden interest in volcanoes and went to U of Hawaii in Hilo, you know, good for them. These places are not where they decided to go. Mine aren’t finished college yet by any means. We will see what happens!
I have a feeling that despite all of that, at some point in their lives they will hear the siren call of NYC and return someday, but if they don’t – well then me and my husband will have a new place to go for vacations! :">
To be honest, our S first night in his college dorm was his first night away from family. And we were pretty nervous, but he has evolved, adapted, and thrived. Made friends from around the world, traveled with these friends on ski trips and ventures into the city, and now is managing his second internship on his own.I still see the 5 year old in his eyes and I know that I always will, but he has grown and matured in a very positive way.
Instead of giving him unsolicited advice I ask him about his thoughts which he shares and then always asks for my thoughts. In the end his decisions to date have all been informed and sound. When we have differed on a topic (choosing classes, or choosing which internship to accept) he has always listened politely, but has always taken his own path and, looking back, his decisions have been better than my suggestions
While hard to see him go, I’m thrilled that my son is studying in Lebanon and helping people who have had to flee their countries! He’s having a much greater impact in the Middle East than he could in Portland, Maine. Of course he’s going to change dramatically. I’m happy about that.
