How much do we interfere with very social boys?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hello parents,</p>

<p>I seem to have too many questions, but this is my first child to go to college. I hope to do better by the time I send off the next ones.</p>

<p>I have asked before about my son being out very late and coming home by himself. He assures me that he is actually home more than I think, and that sometimes he just “crashes” at an apartment or dorm room of a friend (he has only been there two weeks, so I don’t know how he knows anyone well enough to “crash” with yet). </p>

<p>It still seems that he is mainly having a big party. He seems to have chosen very easy classes, or ones that do not require very much work at least (he is very smart, so never has had to work very hard). I haven’t heard him talk about studying or going to the library at all. Mostly it seems he is gone, socializing and out with friends all day and night. </p>

<p>It is good that he has settled into his college and isn’t crying and homesick like many students seem to be. But he it almost seems like he isn’t responsible enough to be at college. Without any rules, he seems to think that college is simply a large social event, with a few classes thrown in. I am very worried and disappointed, because it seems that he isn’t getting enough sleep, enough to eat, and just isn;t taking care of himself well at all, and certainly does not seem intellectually into the “work” of college, or the real reasons he is supposed to be there. How much sleep could he get “crashed” on the floor of a friend’s apartment, and then try to go to class the next day? is he learning anything (except how to live on four hours of sleep?)?</p>

<p>We are very thrifty and have worked hard to save money to send son to this school. I am getting resentful, and feeling like he does not understand the sacrifice, and that while we work, he is simply partying and having fun.</p>

<p>But if he gets good grades (and he could, since he usually does without much studying), what can I say? I really do not like how he is behaving, but I don’t know that I can threaten not to pay for school, just because it seems like he is fooling around all the time. I don’t know how much say we can have in our children’s choices when they are away at college. If I weren’t paying, I would feel like it was totally his life, but we are financially responsible for him.</p>

<p>Anyone who has boys, who has been through this, please help. It seems no one I know is having this problem, and they are all worried about their homesick kids, who are staying in their rooms too much. I wish my son would be in his room at all.</p>

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<p>How do you even know what he is doing?
I have daughters and I rarely heard from the oldest when she was in college.
Didn’t return emails/phone calls. ( no cell phone till senior year)
I had to send an email to her RA to see where she was.</p>

<p>He has been there two weeks, there is bound to be an adjustment process.
Trust that you have prepared him to make good decisions while he has been under your roof.
Now that he is an adult, and really having to live with the consequences of his decisions, give him some time to make that adjustment.</p>

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<p>As a student, I feel obligated to say that I tend not to include descriptions of my hours spent doing homework when talking to my parents. It’s boring for me to talk about it, and in my little self-obsessed world, it’s hard for me to understand why my parents would want to hear about it. I tend to focus more on my professors’ actions in class, and what I do with my friends, because I find those things more interesting to talk about.</p>

<p>Also, it <em>is</em> just the first two weeks. I know that personally, I have only had a few chapters of reading and one writing assignment so far, and I am into my second week. And it is not unusual for freshmen to take easy classes–I’m only taking one 200-level class, and I have 40 AP credits, so it’s not like I’m just getting prereqs out of the way.</p>

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<p>My son also seems to be socializing a lot. I am not saying anything yet because until he left for college my fear was that he would not leave his room to eat, let alone go to class! I did ask on IM with a smiley face if he recalled why he was there…he responded with a hahahahaha so I know he got the point. I would wait a little longer and then email him your concerns and reminding him what the family is doing in order that he may have the education he is having…all in the same tone as your post here…that is not accusatory but seeking assurance. The first few weeks are important for them in that they feel pressure to make friends/have fun/be fun. They should calm down shortly.</p>

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<p>If you are reading your own anxieties into the little information you have about what he is doing, then take a deep breath and try to wait and see how he seems to be doing in a few weeks. It is so easy to project fears onto them when they are not accountable to you much. The way it sounds to you as a mom, all the late nights and socializing–this is part of the first rush of freedom, and may not be as crazy as you think it sounds.</p>

<p>I have four sons, three in college and beyond, and it is not easy to separate! They have had some wild times, made some mistakes, but what kid hasn’t? These years, I am convinced, are one big process, not to be looked at too closely for perfection, and we parents have a hard time with that. I know I do. </p>

<p>Hold on–your son sounds spirited and outgoing, and you’ll see him in a few weeks, and can read him then. Don’t wish he’d be in his room feeling homesick!</p>

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<p>The deans say that the first wake-up call comes with midterms, at which point the happy freshmen buckle down.</p>

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<p>As the parent of a son who’s been at school only three weeks, I’ve been wondering about the academic side, too. But I’m trying to remember that he’s a friendly, social kid who is thrilled to be at the experience. I know he’s going to class. I can also tell that he’s loving the football games, improv nights, free first-run movies, and all the other hoopla that goes along with college. I’ll bet your son is doing the same thing. They need time to get settled, and two weeks isn’t enough. It’s a big change. As paying3 says, by the time midterms roll around, he’ll be focusing.</p>

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<p>I’m not there yet, but it does sound too soon to push the panic button. Has he told you his grades are bad? You say he’s good at learning – or at least making good grades – without much studying, so he’s probably not flunking out, even if he doesn’t have the nose to the old grindstone.</p>

<p>What did he do with his free time in HS? Was he always this social?</p>

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<p>Thank you for your responses. Yes, he has always been this social. He just loves to be with other people, and people really love to be with him. He is very fortunate to make friends so easily, and is very charismatic. I think he prefers being with other people, to almost anything, and seems not to need much time to recharge or be alone. He is energized by social activities.</p>

<p>I appreciate the advice to let it go a bit. I know that is probably the right thing to do, but it is hard. I think of college as being more serious, but it isn’t soon enough for me to push the panic button. I also wonder if this is just his personality, and with all the freedom he can be even more social than he was in high school. I am not very much like this, so it is harder for me to understand.</p>

<p>Any more advice is appreciated. It means a lot to hear what you all have to say.</p>

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<p>Sailaway, do make sure you see the grades at the end of the semester. Most colleges don’t send them to parents. Tell him you need an official copy for car insurance or something.</p>

<p>The reason I say this is because my son was also very social – for his first two years in college. He told us his grades, a mixture of Bs and Cs with one C-and one A-, but never showed us an official grade report. We encouraged him to try harder and do better (no need for a decent writerto get a C- in freshman writing seminar; he told us those seminars were “a joke” and nobody took them seriously. Hmm).</p>

<p>Finally last April it occurred to me that I had a couple of his passwords in my possession, one from a meal plan change I had to make for him, another something about a laundry card. I had wondered off and on if perhaps his grades weren’t worse than he had told us. Once you start thinking that way, it kind of burns a hole in your mind until you do something, and that afternoon I started fiddling around at the computer. Well, one of the passwords got me into his grade records, and I discovered that two grades he had casually passed off as B’s were actually D’s.</p>

<p>My husband and I confronted him right away about the lying and the grades, and he was quite repentant. Said he had been struggling with many issues: not knowing how to say no to friends, majoring in something he thought he “should” major in, but didn’t like it, etc. etc. Over the summer we were able to put some resources in place for him, he is saying the right things, and I think he is on a better track now (though time alone will tell).</p>

<p>I wish so very much that we had caught this whole thing a year ago or a year and a half ago.</p>

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<p>“Sailaway, do make sure you see the grades at the end of the semester. Most colleges don’t send them to parents. Tell him you need an official copy for car insurance or something.”</p>

<p>Assuming that you’re helping to pay for his college, tell him that you’ll need an official copy before you send in the next payment. Also matter of factly let him know now if there’s a gpa level he must meet for you to keep financially helping with his college. </p>

<p>Usually midterms are a wake-up call for freshmen who’ve been partying instead of studying, but having to sit at home and work or go to community college for a semester or a year can be a good wake-up call for those students who run wild instead of studying. </p>

<p>It’s best not to be involved in the details of how your student is handling college. After all, this is their time to grow up and be responsible. Use your free time to do some things for yourself that you’d put off while child rearing.</p>

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<p>But for many classes, by the time the first midterm D comes in, it’s too late to do anything but try to salvage a C+ or B- . Heaven help the kid who gets at 37 at midterm. I’ve had one experience this. Two midterm exams and the final = the grade. Flunk the first test because it seems like nobody else is studying and you pretty much understand the problem sets…</p>

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<p>keep in mind, though, that in some classes there are really very few grades. Not the immediate feedback from high school. Last year, D had one class that only had a midterm and a final. Another had 3 tests and the final. He’ll probably have to wait until midterms are taken and graded to get a real picture of how he’s doing, grade-wise.</p>

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<p>Try talking to him about it. He’s a big kid now. He should know your feelings and what’s up with sacrifices your family has had to make. Though college is probably not exactly the same as it was for you (if you went), you could tell him about any similar experiences you’ve had. </p>

<p>A friend of mine was a great kid in high school but went kind of crazy and just partied way too much his first year of college. Sure, he got fine grades and is making progress toward his major, but the really cool life experiences that come from living on your own he traded for booze and parties. Does it seem that your son is going a similar route? If so, there’s a pretty simple solution.</p>

<p>Get involved. Tell your son to go to an activities fair or talk to his RA about extracurriculars. You know what he likes to do–is there something that matches his hobby offered at his school? I’ll bet there is. The key, though, is to make sure whatever one thing he decides to get involved with outside of school is something he’s either really passionate about or really curious about. It really doesn’t matter what it is that he does, as long as he does something to stay occupied and learn something new. If he joins any organization, chances are it will be adequately led by upperclassmen. It’ll have a faculty advisor, regular meeting times, and tasks he needs to complete. Kind of like being on a team, but not for a sport. </p>

<p>The bottom line is this: I believe that the ways I’m involved right now at my school are shaping the experience I’m having here. That’s kind of a no-brainer, but if I were doing much different things it’s likely that my time spent here would be completely different. Looking back, none of the organizations I’m involved with now are things I would have predicted I’d do in college while I was in high school. But I love it, it keeps me on my toes, and gives me something to work for. </p>

<p>Just a suggestion. It could work for your son though!</p>

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And the problem is what? To me college is not a grade factory but an experience where our kids will get an education but also learn to grow up … and that path will not also be smooth. I have one who I would guess will face a rude awakening after the first round of mid-terms … frankly I think we will be lucky if the first round of mid-terms is the whole wake-up call … it likely will take a full semester or year for him/her to develop the discipline and maturity to perform very well in college. I’m worried about the young adult is is leaving college much more than I am about the academic particulars are at the start (assuming it’s not a total disaster). (Full disclosire … I have this attittude since my kids got these “bad” attributes from me … and it took me a 1 1/2 years to really get on track in college … and I turned OK)</p>

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<p>^For some kids, there are GPA requirements to maintain scholarships. Falling far behind in the beginning could make it difficult toward the end of the school year.</p>

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<p>My daughter wants go into finance, and the minimum requirement for internship is 3.5. She was very much on track the first semester. I could also tell she was on top of her problem sets and prelims. Then came Spring semester. She decided to pledge a sorority and the first month of school she was required to go out every night. She assured us it wouldn’t have an impact on her grades. As a mother, it just didn’t make sense to me - I knew how hard she studied the semester before, got the kind of grades she got, so how could she maintain her GPA and not studying as much. She got her first math prelim back, a C+. Her father had a talk with her about having to de-pledge if she couldn’t maintain her GPA. To her credit, she pulled it through, but it was painful. She only had 2 more prelims that semester to offset that C+, and every prelim was a battle. She figured it out that there’s no way she could spend so much time partying without having any effect on her schoolwook.</p>

<p>I think in the beginning I would want to know how they are doing before they get their semester grades. I try not to interfer in other aspects of my daughter’s life, but when it comes to her schoolwork there is a certain standard - she must go to all classes, homework needs to be done, and studying for test comes before other obligations - as long as I am paying full fare for her education.</p>

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<p>I think that when students are in college, they are old enough to figure things out for themselves without parents making sure they go to class, etc. If they get low grades or miss opportunities due to skipping class, partying, etc., then they will learn from experience. I do think, though, that if parents are footing the bill for college, parents have the right to set a minimum gpa that their kids should meet in order for the parents to continue paying for college, and parents have the right to see semester grades. If students don’t want to show parents their grades, then students can pay for college themselves.</p>

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<p>I am a lot more okay with this if they said so from the start. I have much less patience for parents who say “Oh, we’ll pay for your college” without conditions and then start threatening the student if the student starts to struggle.</p>

<p>To the OP: I would be very wary of making assumptions with no evidence that there is something wrong.</p>

<p>At many colleges, it is the norm to stay out late. At MIT, I usually went to bed around 2am, and I was considered an early bird. But all those students who regularly went to bed at 3am, 4am, were still spending more than 40 hours/week (in some cases, a <em>lot</em> more) on school. They were just keeping different schedules than the mainstream, because the school culture is nocturnal. His school or social group culture may be nocturnal as well.</p>

<p>Crashing with a friend if it’s late is quite normal and says nothing about his study habits, whether he’s taking care of himself, or much of anything at all. Would you rather he walk home alone in the dark?</p>

<p>Would he <em>tell</em> you, unprompted, about his study time? Like Zamzam said, it tends not to be very interesting to talk about. If you want to know about his study time, then ask about it. I have to admit that I’m kind of surprised that he tells you about how late he stays out and how much he socializes…that seems naive for a college student to disclose so readily. ;)</p>

<p>What would you like him to be doing academically other than making the grade? If you think that he needs to get involved in research or something, then tell him so. He may not realize, may think that good grades are enough to satisfy your expectations. And keep in mind, as others have pointed out, that he may not have received many assignments yet.</p>

<p>I will say that if you suddenly start establishing conditions for your financial support that didn’t exist when you sent him off to college, it is going to cause a lot of conflict, because you led him to believe that those conditions didn’t exist when he accepted your help and made his college choice. I will also say that if you start using your money to control his social life when he is doing fine academically, it will probably also cause a lot of conflict, and needlessly so. So probably no need to press the panic button yet, and a lot of downsides in doing so.</p>

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<p>S knows that we are paying mega bucks for him to go his first choice school and that our continued willingness to retrench so we can pay his tuition is very dependent on good grades. We haven’t specified a GPA but A’s & B’s, certainly in his major, would be all that would be acceptable. He does have a very heavy course/practice load, but does not seem to be partying extensively, although he does go out occasionally with friends (which I’m happy to see). </p>

<p>I also wouldn’t worry too much about the clock issue. My natural rhythm is to be a night owl and sleep late. When I was in college, I could give free reign to that tendency. Whenever possible, I didn’t start studying until 11 p.m. or midnight and went to bed at 3-4 a.m. All my classes were in the afternoon, so I woke up about 11 a.m. and had lunch and then went to my classes. It was an ideal schedule for me, and I graduated summa cum laude, so it’s not necessarily a cause for worry.</p>