We had an abrupt situation that forced these moves earlier than we’d ever thought about as a family, as my very active and healthy Mom had a brain aneurism at 64. In their late 50s my parents built their new home with Universal Design principles (e.g. all hallways and doorways were wide enough for wheelchairs and walkers; door handles were levers instead of knobs; the primary bathroom had a gorgeous no threshold shower and lots of space, as well as elegant yet wholly functional and anchored “towel” bars that were actually grab bars; and there was a no-step entrance available to the home, etc.). This was all so that in 20-30 years, when they were much older, they could age comfortably in place.
Well, after the aneurysm she was in a wheelchair for about 2 years, then a walker, then walking comfortably without it, and her rehabilitation was made all the more possible by the fact that she wasn’t stuck in a den with a hospital bed, and grappling with an inaccessible bathroom. She was able to be anywhere in their home and always with the family. They were extraordinarily fortunate to be able to make these choices with their home, and it was devastating that she needed to use those planned features decades earlier than they ever thought possible. She also has cognitive and speech deficits that persist to this day and she can not drive, or handle finances.
So our family got pushed very quickly—while our parents were just in their early 60s—into suddenly needing to think about “caring for our parents” and realizing that we needed to quickly put a lot of guardrails and structures into place in case something happened to our Dad, as he is the person that takes care of her. We needed to work out advance plans for if he was incapacitated briefly (“hit by a bus, but you’re going to come out of the coma in a month and be hunky dory in 2 months”) or needed assistance (“you fall off the roof and bonk your head and can’t do math”), or “the bus was enormous and it’s lights out for good.”
(We had to use dark humor at this time to get through this!)
The sobering fact of what had happened to our Mom meant these conversations couldn’t be put off until some time in the future. The future was already here.
A few years later, in their mid 70s, our parents decided to move to a wonderful not-for-profit senior community in which they have their own fully independent apartment (and live fully independently), but in any of the “hit by a bus” scenarios, our Mom would be instantly supported in any way she might need. They would take her to the grocery store, her physician is nearby, there is a rich social life and activities there, and if she needed any greater levels of support she will not need to leave and move anywhere else.
While they did not “need” to live there when they moved, they decided to downsize and move before anything changed and they (perhaps suddenly) needed more care. And we now have regular conversations as a family about how they would like things handled. In the last year we’ve become more involved in their finances, and over the last many years we’ve written shared Google documents around all the things that one needs to know.
Moving before they needed it made it so much easier. The process of moving: the decisions, the packing, the downsizing - all easier because they had the cognitive and physical abilities to do so. Putting the house on the market, making significant financial decisions, all of that—it was so much easier to do it before it became difficult, or before they couldn’t walk or drive or understand all the decisions around where they might move to, etc. And now they’ve had several years to make great friends, to be deeply involved in their new community, and they are so glad they moved when they did, as they see so many of their lifelong friends, also in their early 80s now, who are in their big family homes, and are overwhelmed and exhausted by the tasks ahead.
So yes, all of these experiences in my family have absolutely affected how I approach things. From pushing the early conversations around “what if Dad is hit by a bus, what do we do” to now - where even though my kiddo just finished his first year of college, we’ve already started having conversations about all the things that happen behind the scenes in life; e.g. bringing him on board with all the caretaking around the family cabin, paying bills, sharing our family Google documents with him, and talking through about how we plan for things. And as I am single Mom (and he does not have a relationship with his father) he knows that I have everything written down and shared with his Aunt, so that if anything happens to me she will know exactly what to do and where things are, and how all the infrastructure in our life is maintained.
I have seen my friend’s parents be completely fine and then one day everything changes in an instant and the adult children are scrambling, trying to find a place where their Mom or Dad could get the resources they need. In an already heartbreaking and stressful time, trying to figure these things out in real time is devastating. The earlier we can plan and make proactive changes, the more we can focus on supporting one another emotionally and being present during hard times, rather than trying to find a lawyer and start figuring things out in a crisis.
