I lived through my Grandmother’s reading of the will which devastated my uncle. She left him very little and never told him. Her logic was that she had paid for (one of the very first) heart bypass operations at Stanford and that was his share already. But she didn’t prepare him. It was humiliating. She was demented for a long time before she died and my mother took care of her so my mother got blamed for undue influence. I knew otherwise because I stayed with my grandmother to take care of her before she got really really bad one summer while in college. We had lots of talks. I resolved after Grandma to never ever let my kids be blindsided.
That said, we don’t talk about the complete bottom line. But we were up front on how much selling our CA home of 35 years netted us (10x purchase basically). We hounded both kids to get the 401K match, Roth Ira’s, etc. I also did that for my nephew who had little financial advice from his dad. Not to go too far off topic for how much and when to retire!
I retired at 55, almost 20 years ago. Having the house paid for meant that we didn’t need my salary. We hope to live long enough to spend down assets but I’m not planning to go out broke either.
You often hear stories of people who are hurt, disappointed, or angry about inheritances but, remember, no one is entitled to a single thing from the deceased regardless of relation. The money, estate, and stuff belong to the owner who is free to withold/distribute entirely as s/he pleases with no obligation whatsoever to any living person.
My dad used to try to control me and my brother with “changes” to his will. Eventually, we just laughed at him, told him to enjoy what he had earned and spend every penny, we don’t need it and aren’t entitled to it. We also told him that we will equally split whatever’s left if he apportions unequally. That took away all of his power, and he’s never brought it up again. His current will may likely state that he’s leaving it all to someone’s cat instead of his ungrateful children, but that’s his perogative. Meh.
As Trustee, I had the (painful) responsibility to tell my really close sister that she had been cut out of teh surviving parent’s portion of the estate. I even contacted two estate attorneys to make sure that I was reading correctly and there were no other outs.
This is where things go awry.
On the one hand, there is absolutely no entitlement to fairness (however that is perceived/defined). On the other, I don’t think it is uncommon that siblings expect equal treatment (however that is perceived or defined).
I have witnessed complete familial collapse where a son no longer speaks to his mother or his sister over what the father did in his will. Son assumed (perhaps this was the mistake!) equality but sister got twice as much because she had four children but son only had two. Again, that was dad’s/grandpa’s prerogative, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t sting when reality was different from expectations.
I agree that no one is “ owed” money , but if you are leaving money it’s pretty cruel to use it as a weapon.
We have been open with our kids about money. I grew up in a home where my mother controlled all of the finances and “ poor mouthed” all of the time. Later found out we were likely better off than she always said. I had to start earning money as soon as I was able , but then was shamed for spending it on cute clothes and makeup ( I was a teenage girl- duh). I literally bought every stitch of clothing on my body ( including winter coats and underwear) as well as my toiletries ( shampoo, tampons, etc). I resented being told I was “ spendthrift “.
Ironically, when I was in my early 20’s my dad started his own business and made a lot of money. My mother still controlled it.
H and I worked hard and saved (and were lucky) but we did things differently. We wanted our kids to work hard, save and know the value of a dollar, but not to be treated the way I was.
Our kids know the basics of our estate plan. It’s 50/50. They don’t know the exact amounts.
Exactly. There might be valid reasons to give differing amounts to, say, children, but not explaining why, especially when emotions already may be running high, seems likely to cause unnecessary strife.
I think I’ve written this before, but my parents gave my sister and my brother money for a down payment for a house. They didn’t do the same for me. No explanation. That stung. I can think of reasons why they might have made this decision, but without their explanation I never knew, and that didn’t feel good. If I was going to give differing amounts to my kids I would be sure to explain why.
Which is what my dad tried to do. We simply explained to him that we couldn’t be victims of his choices because we have no right to his stuff in the first place. Should he leave it all to my brother or a cat and “cut me out,” no big deal, no message sent, no cruelty, no weapon. In our case, we’ve agreed ahead of time to equally split regardless of what he intends. He can’t control from beyond the grave. No one can.
There are only bad feelings when there are unmet expectations. It’s the false expectations that are the problem, not what the deceased does. I get it that most people “expect” something or feel that what they get or don’t somehow equates to how the deceased felt about them, but being hurt when expectations aren’t met is the issue.
Unwarranted assumptions need to be dealt with ahead of time. Let’s all just assume we get nothing and be surprised by any windfalls. Just my opinion, of course.
D is aware of our estate plans, where the documents are, who our attorney is and our financial advisor. Our plan doesn’t divide the estate equally between our children and it is spelled out very specifically why that is the case. My dad was left nothing by his parents except one dollar. His parents left everything to their neighbor as they felt Dad had chosen his grandmother over them. It was a sad turn of events for our family.
D has a general idea of our financial picture now. She knows things are better than they’ve been in the past. I try to remind myself to be grateful for what I’ve received and not be bitter about the past. Some days it is tough though.
First, my Ds have a pretty good idea of our (my) assets as they were in the loop when my husband and I re-did our trust before he died.
My niece (who works in accounting for one of the big 4 accounting firms) also knows because she helped me send everything to my CPA just a month or two after my husband died. (CPA is not with the same firm).
D2 works for different Big 4, but not in accounting. Both Ds and I have accounts with Navy Federal, and D2 and I both have accounts with Fidelity.
I’m shocked that my kids don’t even hint about getting their hands on the money. We gifted some when their Dad was alive. I’ve gifted some since. D2 remodeled a kitchen (the appliances all went on my credit cards) and I’ve told D1 she can have the same level of $ for her next house project.
I offered to reserve their hotel rooms for next weekend’s funeral and they said they would take care of their own. I’ll give them some money after and I will gift something from the forthcoming inheritance/estate settlement. There could be a surprise, but I doubt it as we have been handling my father’s finances for the past year, with several communications with his lawyer — including copies of the will and the LLC paperwork (including line of succession).
I’ve never hid the mail and the kids probably saw the balances increase over the years. We had open conversations, but not about specifics, in front of D2’s now husband, to the point that he initially was uncomfortable.
Eventually, when D2 bought a house (her own name, prior to marriage, at 23) her now husband learned why the conversations are important. He witnessed the mechanics of money: earnest money, deposits, how long it takes Fidelity to sell a mutual fund, how to transfer money between financial institutions, etc. His parents were both in the mortgage loan/title business but he was not included in related discussions.
I’ve probably said all this before! Sorry if this was too long!
My husband was always extremely sensitive that his parents would die at some point, he would act the same way.
My mil told me where everything was so I could find it.
We’ve now been apprised of their savings, this year, because my in law’s financial advisor had been insisting that they share some information. My fil will be 90 this year.
Yesterday DH and I were in the car and listened to a very good podcast. It’s very long but if you have the time I recommend it.
It discusses money (saving and spending philosophies) as well as the psychology of money, manufacturing, AI and other topics that have been discussed on various threads. DH and I especially agreed with the part having to do with endurance and perseverance.
Diary of a CEO: The Savings Expert: They’re Lying About Buying A House! Tariffs Will Skyrocket Your Living Costs! (4/28/25)
Our son is sure we’re going to live forever. He’s happy to talk about finances as long as we don’t invite the Grim Reaper. Phrases like, “when we’re gone” and “when the last of us passes,” are not appreciated.
My wealthy in-laws have given my spouse’s siblings money over the years. They provided free childcare for those grandkids which was huge. They were too old and didn’t really want to do it but felt obligated – they sure complained to us about it. We lived in a different state but even if we’d lived nearby we never would have taken advantage of them like that. At that time the sibling had plenty of money for childcare but her (now ex) husband was a cheapskate.
My in-laws generously helped the siblings with housing as well. That’s how they reward the kids that live nearby. They’d buy a house by making the down payment and then the kids would pay rent. I’m not sure what happens when they move out.
They’ve been sure to tell all the kids that they’re keeping track of the any money they’ve given the kids and will deduct that from their share of the estate. My spouse, though not the recipient of that money, had always told them not to worry about that and to just split the estate equally.
More recently, we asked for a brief down payment loan when we were moving, to repay when we sold our old house. They said well this is perfect because we’ve given your sisters way more than that so we’ll just give it to you, which was so generous and much needed since it turns out we lost even more than that when we sold our old home. My FIL was glad because he was able to zero out a portion of the estate deductions, even though my spouse didn’t care how much they’d given the sisters.
My niece has recently had severe, nearly fatal, health problems requiring super expensive and specialized care. My SIL is a single mom and has barely been able to work because of it. She is very stressed about money. After trying to get their parents to financially help, multiple times, my spouse finally had to get on the phone and perform diplomatic miracles to cajole them to just give her money, and to please not keep track of how much or deduct it from the estate. They gave her some money but I’m sure they’re still keeping track. They’d bought a house for her to live in after the divorce and are very salty that she hasn’t bought it from them yet though she (with help from her girlfriend) pays the full mortgage.
The things they revealed in that conversation with my spouse hurt so badly (homophobic, racist, bitterly judgmental, entitled) that I don’t know if we’ll ever recover from it. They said nice things about us and our kids, but we were so hurt on behalf of our wonderful siblings. Of course, we’ve said none of it to the siblings because it might damage relationships. I guess we can’t complain because they are helping in a literal life and death situation. But gosh, those strings attached are really something.
When the time comes, my spouse has always been determined that if the siblings are given less, we’ll disregard and give them an equal share. The stuff with my niece has made that feeling even stronger.
I love my in-laws but I swear money has corrupted them. They’re otherwise sweet and loving people. They obsessively watch stock prices and talk with their FA probably weekly. I don’t know why since they will never come close to spending all their money in their lifetime. We will all be devastated when they die and none of us are eyeing an inheritance. When my spouse had that recent convo with them about money it was like they were different people and all this horrible stuff came to the surface and they blurted it out. And then we thought, oh my god is this how they really feel? If so, that’s just sad.
My dad’s family had a lot of money, and the various trusts and wills pretty much tore the family apart. My grandmother would talk about inheritances a lot and it all felt very manipulative and ended up with my dad not inheritng anything from his mother (he had gotten a fair amount for his dad who had died decades earlier).
All of it has made me very skeptical and slightly hostile to inherited wealth. I always kind of like Buffett’s philosophy of - give your kids enough so that they can do anything, but not enough that they can afford to do nothing.
With my parents I’ve told them that I’d much rather have them spend their money on making memories with us now, than any sort of inheritance after they are gone. I think this is finally sinking in b/c my dad has been for a long time hoping to leave a legacy - but now he’s talking more about taking us on vacations and doing fun things now.
It’s a philosophy I plan to do with my kids – I’ll help them out here and there as they go through life and if I’m in a situation to do so. My goal is to basically not outlive my money, but not to have too much left over – any extra money I have while I live I can use to help my kids out with grandchildren, house down payments, vacations that sort of thing. IMO, money has greater utility when you’re young and need help getting started, than when you’re old… I’m hoping to be over 60 when my parents go (which based on family health is likely). At that point, I’ll probably be already set on my life – so while it would be appreciated, it won’t be life changing.
At least, that’s kind of how I’m approaching it.
Perhaps that’s it, or maybe he just thinks it’s so far away, why bother with what will happen in 30-40 years?
Our younger son, who is an actor in addition to his day job, says when he has to do a scene where he needs to be very sad, thinks about me dying to pull up the emotions. Ugh, all so depressing!
For our daughters it would be: Imagine you just missed the annual Lululemon Black Friday sale.
I just want to point out that there is a difference between disclaiming an inheritance and giving away your inheritance to someone else. Even if that someone else is also a beneficiary in the will
As an example - disclaiming means you are forgoing your inheritance (you can also disclaim part of your inheritance). Doing that does not mean you get to determine where the money goes. The wishes of the decedent contained within their will are followed if you disclaim. As an example, let’s say we have a widowed mom that has two children - a brother and a sister. Each has one child. Mom wants her estate divided 50/50 between brother and sister. Brother’s financial situation is far better than sister’s, and he doesn’t feel the need to have mom’s inheritance. Mom dies. Brother wants sister to get his share of mom’s estate. Most wills are set up such that if a beneficiary is already deceased, their portion goes to their children. That is usually who is named as contingent beneficiaries. That is how disclaiming works as well. Brother can disclaim his 50%. However, that is treated the same as if he had predeceased mom. Per the will (the way they are usually written) that goes to his child (deceased mom’s grandson) as the contingent beneficiary. This is not considered a gift to child (grandchild), so there are no necessary gift forms to fill out and no gift tax consequences or reduction of future allowable gifts or reduction in inheritance amounts by brother. However, if brother wants sister to have his share of mom’s money, he will have to accept the inheritance and then gift it to sister. Which brother can certainly do. BUT, this may or may not trigger gift tax form filing requirements and (if amounts are large) a reduction of lifetime gifts and bequests by brother.
This is very generalized info, and honestly, I’m rusty, so someone needs to check me on this.
I just don’t want people thinking that if they disclaim an inheritance as a designated beneficiary in a will that they get to determine where that forgone inheritance goes. They don’t. You don’t get to undermine the wishes of the decedent.
@1214mom, I think it is safe to say that our current economic policy is lacking a coherent logic, though I am happy that Jay Powell is there. To the extent that there is a logic, it is more like the big picture logic laid out by Ray Dalio about major cycles that take place over time.
That’s good information. My mother’s beneficiaries are my dad as primary (deceased), and me and my sister as secondary. I was wondering that if I disclaimed some part of it, if then it would go to the other beneficiary (my sister) or my kids. I would wish it to go to my children, so to not have to worry about inheritance tax issues for our high estate tax state. Definitely worth checking into it when the time comes, though my mother, as a lifelong health food nut, could outlive all of us!
So, it sounds like your mom did not update her will after your dad passed such that there are now no contingent beneficiaries named in her will?
Probably depends on the rules of your state, but I would guess that if you disclaim a part of your inheritance your state’s intestate rules of distribution would kick in. This would likely mean whatever you disclaim would be divided equally among your children. I’m somewhat speculating, though.
Well worth taking time to visit with an attorney. And/or perhaps getting your mom to update her will to name contingent beneficiaries. My mil updated hers fairly soon after fil passed away. Needed to update other docs as well (powers of attorney, healthcare directives, etc)