I like the idea of suggesting he rents a furnished temporary place to start out so that he can figure out the lay of the land. I did tell him that this is mostly his responsibility but I would help him out with whatever he needs.
My parents didn’t help me, not an iota, much to my dismay and fundamental sadness. Total feigned disinterest. No help, not on apartment search, not on deposit (wiped me out, but thankfully no finder fee too), not with move, not with any furniture purchase, not even a minimal household gift - all which they easily could afford and would otherwise easily spend. My first post-grad job, great job but expensive nyc area, 1000 miles from “home”, parents miffed I hadn’t just moved “back home”. Thank goodness my new boss gave his new junior-exec a cash advance; thank goodness that a friend’s generous family lived an hour away and “adopted” me. I had an ikea bed, two folding chairs, a table, and a bookcase in a big studio. Two work-appropriate outfits. Coming from an upper-middle income household, I was living pretty rough, quite unnecessarily. Will never “tough-love” my own kids like that. We will help our kids. Gladly. Ignoring their needs is not a character-building exercise, nor does it feel like a loving gesture.
I bought my son a vacuum cleaner the first time we visited him in his new apartment. He moved across the country, ordered stuff from Ikea and had them deliver since he doesn’t drive. I was actually pretty impressed with how good the apartment looked.
Nothing. Nada. Each had lived off campus for part of their college career and got hand me downs from the house or friends hand me downs. And saved money to use for deposits and such. Oh wait. Convinced older s to take his waterbed from his room in our house (so glad to get rid of that thing). It survived one move but not two. Also, a friend had some rental property not far from older sons first apt and had an old beater dining room table and chairs which he took for his first place. Younger s continued to live like a student. In fact he still does. Has a few roommates and rents a room.
S is graduating and moving 1000 miles for a great job. I and my SIL are flying out and getting him settled. He has an apt with two guys so we will figure out what he needs. Plan to order from IKEA ahead and have bedroom furniture delivered. He will be working long hours so we are more than happy to set things up. He will have no problem with paying his own bills. If I am able to pay for his furniture I will do it happily. He has definitely lived like a typical college guy. I want him to have a comfortable place to come home to.
My D lived at home for 10 months after she graduated. She worked as a gymnastics coach while looking for a job in her field. Shortly after she found a job, she started looking for an apartment in the city. Her boyfriend (now husband) got a job in the same city. The two of them split the security deposit and first/last month’s rent for the apartment they rented. H and I helped them out by giving them some of the furniture from our summer place (we were upgrading the furniture there). I also took D to Crate and Barrel and paid for basic housewares–dishes, silverware, glasses, pots and pans, etc.
2nd hand furniture and dishes (from me) is what I plan. If they can’t pay rent, they can’t afford their own place.
S1 got a reloc bonus and so had $$ for deposits, furniture, etc. Made no sense to move a lot of stuff cross-country.
S2 will not be making as much $$. He already has a pretty sizable load of kitchen gear, and he is welcome to shop our basement. I see him going out and doing CraigsList for other stuff. Neither one of them particularly cares about nice furniture and decor, and considering they are both likely to be somewhat transitory over the next few years, keeping it minimal is probably more financially sound.
I forgot, I did travel with DS#1 to accompany him when he found his first apt. (younger s came too, IIRC). His place was pretty small (in an old house converted to 4 apts). He bought some stuff at ikea on his way to move to the apt, and I found a company on line that had a “you assemble it” custom couch/ seating thing with storage. He had a small living room and found something functional on that site. He had scrimped and saved in college so had funds to set up his apt.
Is the shabby chic look still in vogue?
Honestly, its amazing what a fresh coat of a fun paint color can do for a piece of second hand furniture.
I just had this conversation with DH. DS is finishing up his second year and starting a co-op. I told DH I wanted DS to put some money away for when he graduates. DH asked why. I told him well I know it’s been a long time but my parents didn’t help me but yours did you. He didn’t even remember that they had put down his security deposit and purchased him furniture.! I told him that I didn’t want to have to do that for each kid. I guess I’ll know how “my” plan works in a couple of years…
Heres that inexpensive customizable furniture. Perfect for hard to fit spaces or bigger sizes too www.homereserve.com
I’d rather help my kids buy a home than blow it on an expensive wedding.
My kid don’t want help to buy a home nor expensive car. She wants to earn it.
My D moved into a furnished apt with her best friend in DC after college. I helped her with rent money because I wanted her to live in a safe place.
My son was offered a relocation package plus a signing bonus for his first job. He found and paid for the apt and moved furniture and kitchenware from our home. I think he bought a new small dinette set. We didn’t see his apt until we visited him a few months later.
My brother-in-law came from a family of 8 brothers, with little money. Whenever they moved, their mother would personally help them clean their new place until she couldn’t do it any more. The couldn’t give the boys any monetary help, it was her way of doing what she could.
On the other hand, my parents never lifted a finger to do anything for us. Once we graduated from college, they expected us to “pay them back.” It was hard to see what other parents would do for their kids relative to my own parents.
I guess that’s why I try to make a point of being there for my kids. Tough love isn’t love when you know your kid is working as hard as he/she could, and with a little bit of help from us could go a long way.
S has a sublet for the 3 months this summer and we are paying first month’s rent and the sublet fee and loaning him the money for last month’s rent. Co-signing, too. He will look for a permanent place over the summer (most leases in Boston run Sept-Sept from what he said.) We’ll likely need to co-sign and perhaps pay his security deposit. He does have a relocation package and was actually given use of a company apt for 90 days for free but he wants to be in the city versus suburb, so.
We are also buying him a bed. He will be making enough money to buy what he needs, plus the money from relocation package and money he will get from grandparents for graduation to buy things he needs. We also have some things he can take from here if he wants.
Years ago, my sisters and I had " hope chests". While we lived at home and worked, we’d buy things on sale like towels and dishes and keep them in a chest till we moved out on our own.
I agree with the poster who mentioned a coat of paint on old furniture does wonders. I do that often in my own home and will suggest it to my son when he’s on his own. When he moved off campus heading into his junior year, he acquired a bed, mattress, desk, kitchen table and chairs and some kitchen essentials, dishes, silverware. The one purchase he looks forward to is a new sofa for when he gets his own place.
I figure we may buy him a few odds and ends lower ticket items like a toaster oven or lamp but only address those things after he’s settled in. We don’t plan on paying any part of his rent.
We helped with the security deposit, as a gift. We transferred old furniture (a small sofa, some chairs) to him and I bought new for us, bought him a bedframe and mattress. A couple hundred $$ in “incidentals” like mops, brooms, a vaccuum, dish detergents, towels, etc. to get him started. We were very very poor as newlyweds, and I don’t remember building character or savings or anything positive, just feeling scared and worried 90% of the time. We didn’t see doctors, dentists, etc., worked two jobs each plus grad school. My kids will experience plenty of stress and character as they age, and I didn’t see any point in denying them what we could obviously help with. We like to think of ourselves as a family unit, pulling together, even when we live apart. So sharing our resources makes sense, to us.
One had already been living off campus & had furniture & dishes, other moved in with friends and didn’t even need a bed.
When H & I started housekeeping, he had his grandmothers dining room table & chairs.
My grandmother gave us some end tables and lamps and his parents gave us a couch that had been in their basement. Our bed was his childhood bed.
Neither of us had attended college, so at least we didn’t have loans!
We help our kids a LOT more than we were ever assisted, but as our kids compare to their peers instead of our pasts which is quite understandable, they may feel that we don’t do much.
We don’t have a summer home they can visit or take them for three weeks to a beach bungalow in Hawaii, for example. We haven’t even been able to give them an old car. My mom was only able to give me $ for a car, because of a small life insurance policy that paid $1,000 when I turned 18.