How much privacy/space do you give your college-aged kids who live at home?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m 23 years old, living at home with my parents while attending my last year of university. They have have a habit of sneaking into and searching through my room on random occasions; every single time they do this, I am out of the house, so they can snoop around and do anything they want. </p>

<p>Well 2 days ago, I think I’ve had it with them. I came home from work to find that they had gone through my room again, and I had left sex toys (and other things I’d prefer to keep hidden from them) on top of my bed. I was embarrassed as heck, and absolutely FURIOUS. I’ve talked to them about needing and respecting my own private space, as I am now an adult, but they do not give a damn. </p>

<p>I don’t do drugs, don’t drink, and do not get in trouble with the law. In short, there’s absolutely no reason my parents would have of snooping around through my room. </p>

<p>I take my privacy very seriously, and this incident seems to be the straw that broke the camel’s back (my parents are also very controlling in other aspects of my life, controlling what I eat, when I go out, etc…).</p>

<p>After this upsetting ordeal, I really want to move out immediately, but am hesitant seeing as I pay for school, food, transportation, etc… myself, which would mean that I’d have to delay university and graduation if I were to move out and use my money on rent instead of tuition (while taking out bank loans for tuition). My parents are seriously driving me up a wall, so I’m considering this route. </p>

<p>What’s your opinion – are my parents crossing the line here? For those parents whose college-aged kids are staying home while attending university, how much space, freedom, and privacy do you give them?</p>

2

<p>You left them ON TOP OF YOUR BED?</p>

<p>Sorry but unless you are the one paying the mortgage, you don’t get to dictate where your parents go in their own house. Yes, it is good for parents to respect their adult child’s privacy if they are living at home, but the adult child has to keep private things private and of course not bring in anything illegal which puts the rest of the family at risk (ie, firearms, drugs, etc).</p>

<p>Even so, if you are in your last year of university and your parents are supporting you by letting you live rent-free it would be very short-sighted (not to mention, childish) to delay your graduation so that you can have the satisfaction of storming out and getting tied to a rental with a lease.</p>

<p>Start being more careful and discreet, suck it up and finish your degree. You may not be able to appreciate it now but your parents are really helping you out at an age when many would not tolerate their kid living at home for free.
You really aren’t entitled to have all the privacy you would have if you were renting your own place if you are still living at home like a high school student. That’s just the way it is.</p>

3

<p>When my kids were in high school, I have “searched” their rooms from time to time to make sure they weren’t doing drugs. After few times, I stopped because they were clean. Once they went off to college, I never touched any of their private stuff again, which included their laptops and phones. I would go into their rooms to drop off things or pick up something, but not opening their drawers without them knowing.</p>

<p>Just because someone is staying at your house, adults kids or guests, I don’t feel I have the right to touch their belongings without their permission.</p>

<p>OP - I would be more careful about leaving things around and suck it up for one more year so you could be self supporting sooner.</p>

4

<p>I don’t go searching in my adult kids room. I think you should get something to lock all your toys whether it’s right or wrong. It’s your privacy.</p>

5

<p>While I think it’s inappropriate for your parents to search your room, I wouldn’t expect them to stay completely out of it. If they got your mail from the mail box, I think it would be normal for them to leave it somewhere in your room. My parents do that and I haven’t been at home for more than a few weeks since starting college. So, if you can expect that they will come into your room, don’t leave things like sex toys in plain sight. Whether or not you live with someone, I’d say that putting your sex toys away and out of view is a good idea.</p>

<p>I’m not sure what you mean about controlling what you eat or when you go out. Do they buy the groceries? Do you use their car? If they buy the groceries, they can buy what they want, and if you’re using their car of course they can control your use of it to be sure that they have access to it when they need it. My sister is living at home while she goes to law school, but since she wants independence in some areas, she buys her own groceries most of the time and she drives her own car.</p>

<p>With your financial situation, you would be short-sighted to leave home. Finish school, get a job, and earn the money to pay for your own space.</p>

6

<p>I think you should respect your parents’ sensibilities. Their house, their rules.
Also, why do you think they are snooping through your room - you say you are an adult, but do you act and communicate like an adult with them? Or do you find yourself acting like a rebellious teen?
I am not trying to attack you; just bear in mind that families fall into patterns of behavior and it takes effort to change these patterns. If you want them to change how they treat you, first try changing how you treat them.</p>

7

<p>I have never gone through my kids stuff while they were not around, or without their permission. They are people too. That being said, in the course of ordinary life I have certainly read notes, papers, traffic tickets that are in the laundry room, in a pocket that I’m turning rightside out, etc…that never ends well. In your case, I think your parents cross the line, but you are not an adult, actually. Adults are self-supporting independant people who pay their own bills, regardless of their chronological age. Get a lockbox. </p>

8

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Well that’s pretty narrow.</p>

9

<p>You left sex toys out in plain view. That seems very air headed. Particularly if you have younger siblings. Huge eww factor for me. It’s their house and they have multiple reasons for checking your room. If you are so forgetful I’d be afraid you’d leave a candle burning or other safety hazards.</p>

10

<p>I think if my parents were searching my room that is EXACTLY what I’d do! ( not the candle, the “toys”) And maybe set up a camera so I could see their reaction! :)) </p>

<p>I wonder if that would work on snoopy kids!</p>

<p>Sorry OP. I guess you don’t see any humor in this. </p>

11

<p>Generally, if you want things to be private…you keep them private. No?</p>

12

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<p>I am amazed by this attitude, which seems so common in CC, along with the ‘my house, my rules’ idea.</p>

<p>Anyone including a guest of any sort should have an expectation (and right) of privacy. Maybe you have a secret rule that you can go through their wallet and take a twenty any time you want to.</p>

13

<p>When my D is home, I don’t go into her room at all.
When she is at school or an internship, I sometimes use space in her room to store stuff, but I don’t go through her stuff at all unless I am looking for a book.</p>

<p>But by the time you are five years out of high school, you probably have a good idea of your privacy level living with your parents.
If this isnt new behavior, Im wondering why since it seems to be important to you, that you havent moved out long ago.
You won’t be treated like an adult, until you act like one.</p>

14

<p>If there were sex toys on top of the bed I would notice, if that’s the question. But, they would probably notice if they were on my bed, too. I don’t really get this whole privacy thing within families, though. We just never have had any and we’re all basically fine with it.</p>

15

<p>It doesn’t really matter what any of the rest of us would do. We’re not your parents, and it’s not like you can go to them and say “see? The folks on CC think you guys are TOTALLY unreasonable!” They’re not going to change. You will have to suck it up and deal with it until you are done with school and you can get a job and move out. What does it matter if your parents crossed a line? Who’s going to make them change their behavior? Not you, obviously.</p>

<p>On the other hand, what would it cost you to move out? You say you’re paying your own tuition now and that living with your parents is saving you the cost of rent, but I assume those numbers don’t actually match exactly. Do you know what your monthly expenses would be if you moved out? Are you paying for your own groceries, utilities/cell phone, car insurance, etc. right now or do your parents cover that? Do you know what rents in your area are? Could you find a roommate to rent an apartment with? How big of a loan would you actually have to take out, and what kind of rate would you be paying? Find out this information and it will help you make an informed decision.</p>

16

<p>don’t really get this whole privacy thing within families, though. We just never have had any and we’re all basically fine with it.</p>

<p>Different strokes…
^ not referencing sex toys.</p>

17

<p>Maybe the OP expects the privacy level to magically change because he is an adult. But, leaving stuff you don’t want seen out in the open is not all that smart. Different families are just different and I agree he should be familiar with his own family’s privacy level by now.</p>

18

<p>My parents always taught me to clean up my toys after I was done with them.</p>

<p>In all seriousness though OP, just deal with it for as long as you have to and then move out to a place of your own. Think about the cost. Is it really worth it at this stage while already attending as a student full-time to pay for something extra such as rent? In the end, it’s your decision, but something to consider</p>

19

<p>My S is just home for the summer but he moved into the bedroom in the basement so we all could have more privacy. Not only wouldn’t I even think of snooping, I don’t even want to venture down their since he is a slob. </p>

20

<p>Mine is home for the summer, too. I don’t snoop and have never had any reason to do that but I am allowed to enter his room at will. I drop mail on his desk, throw laundry in there, or let the cat in to sit on his bed. It’s never been a problem.</p>