How much privacy/space do you give your college-aged kids who live at home?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Some points I want to clarify: yes, I keep private things “private” – that’s why I kept the sex toys <em>in my ROOM</em>. I was in a hurry to work in the morning, and forgot to carefully hide the toys in a secret black box in my closet. So what? I did not expect that my parents would be snooping about through my room that same evening before I returned from work. I keep my door closed (and locked) whenever I’m out of the house (my parents have an extra set of keys), and did not anticipate at all that my room would be inspected.</p>

<p>I live in an expensive major city, where rent for even one tiny room in a shared flat goes to the tune of ~$700/month. Rent is crazy expensive here, which is why the vast majority of my peers in university live at home with their parents and commute to campus like I do (and those who “live on their own” are usually substantially subsidized by their parents). However, the parents of the commuter students I talked to seem to be more lenient and respectful of their adult children’s personal space. In terms of control, they control what and when I eat (I had a work term last semester where I was out all day and got home at about 10PM – they expected me to not have eaten anything prior and to make dinner at 10PM. If I had already eaten dinner when I got home, they’d verbally accost me by calling me “garbage”, “a piece of trash”, and the like. Also, I’m not allowed to go out on my own terms – if I have a scheduled outing with a friend, my parents sometimes say on a whim “No, you can’t go out; you went out three days ago.” Keep in mind I’m going on 24 years old.</p>

<p>I have insisted on paying a portion of rent and/or bills, but they will not let me (they will not tell me why). </p>

<p>Yes, I know I should just “move out” if I’m fed up about being treated like this, but this is <em>precisely</em> the issue here: If I move out with the rental prices here, I will not have enough of my savings left over to pay for school tuition and my other expenses (food, transportation, medical bills, etc), in which case I’d have to apply for bank loans at high interest rates. </p>

<p>Frankly I’m tired of the same old rehashed “It’s their house; their rules” mantra – as if this is somehow sufficient to render irrelevant basic respect for people living under the same roof. It’s not that I’m trying to prevent my parents from going into my room; it’s just that I do not appreciate them snooping around in there without my knowledge. Is asking to be respected too much to ask? </p>

<p>My reason for posting this thread was to garner some perspective on the general level of personal space parents give their college-aged children who live at home with them while commuting to campus. I wanted to get some input on what is considered reasonable and what is not. This is just to satisfy my curiosity on the topic – of course I do not intend to go up to my parents afterwards and tell them “the people at CC said you’re mean and that you should change your ways”, like one poster above unhelpfully quipped. </p>

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<p>I moved out when I was 18, so I can’t really speak to your difficulty other than to say, decide what your priorities are, and follow through.
Don’t expect your parents to be different than they have been for the past several decades.</p>

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<p>OP - I think you know the answer to your question. Most parents do not behave as yours do and you are being treated poorly. I know you are not asking for advice yet you are getting a lot. The verbal abuse and controlling behavior from your parents leaves you with two choices. Hang in there until you graduate and continue to suffer or take out expensive loans and move out. For me the loans would be worth my piece of mind and self esteem. </p>

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<p>I feel for you OP. That sounds pretty untenable. My college age son lives at home only during the summer. I do go in his room to put away stuff, but I don’t snoop around. If his door is shut I don’t bother him. I do ask him to tell me if he is staying out all night though. Otherwise I worry. I might also violate his privacy if I thought he was using illegal drugs. What reasons do your parents give for snooping? Are they worried about you in some specific regard? Maybe if you can eke out of them what some of their fears and concerns are, you could come up with ways to address their fears in a way that might be more acceptable to you. I think a lot of snooping behavior stems from fear on the part of the parent, but they don’t know how to share that verbally without sounding like they don’t trust you. </p>

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<h2>My reason for posting this thread was to garner some perspective on the general level of personal space parents give their college-aged children who live at home with them while commuting to campus.</h2>

<p>Since you asked: :slight_smile:
We (me & hubby) grew up in culture where kids commonly live with parents until they marry (or have to move to a diff area for a job). The kid (which would be us back then) is expected to contribute to the household - if earning, by helping with expenses; if full-time student, via sweat equity. The kid is expected to keep the parent informed of their schedule, informed of their progress at school and informed of social life events so the parents don’t worry about where the kid is. They are expected to be informed in a general way of who the kid is seeing socially, specially who they are courting or dating (if it becomes serious they would expect to meet the person). The parents are typically allowed to veto activities which the parents might deem too dangerous or irresponsible. Typically the parents have no reason to snoop because the kid is expected to keep them informed.</p>

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<p>Sex toys?!<br>
TMI. Tempted to say, save your money, make some friends. </p>

<p>This is a very odd thread.<br>
OP had a similar one in Feb, lots of baggage to unload, expected to grad this summer. If that’s the case, a fresh July complaint isn’t needed. </p>

<p>So for this OP, I’m also tempted to say, get some perspective. You are 24, living at home and they are underwriting you. You may be over 18/21 but aren’t functioning as an independent. What other families do is based on their situations. </p>

<p>“Secret black box?” The whole thing is weird. You can’t have it both ways, wanting what they give and chafing at what they expect back. Make the wise decisions young adults make.</p>

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<p>Lol. Who leaves SEX TOYS on top of the bed, while living with Mom and Dad? Who HAS sex toys? Never mind. I don’t want to know.</p>

<p>But ewww.</p>

<p>Yeah, it would kind of be noticeable because all beds are pretty much fully in view from the hall in this house. </p>

<p>When your name is on the mortgage, you get to dictate where you, the owner, may go in your own house. Don’t like it? Move out. These people who think they live in absolute and utter privacy in another’s home when they are not renting a space for which they are entitled to the covenant of quiet enjoyment flummox me. I can’t believe the entitlement I see out there amongst young people today. Were we that bad? I don’t think so. Geez, I respected my parents’ house as THEIR house. I would never have brought sex toys into their house. </p>

<p>I don’t rifle through my kids’ things, but geez…none of them are oblivious enough to leave something like THAT on TOP of the bed. Goodness. Yes, I go in their rooms to return things, take some laundry, etc. Sorry. It is my house. Their room, which they are entitled to use, but MY house. </p>

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<p>Well I have one of those. I do go into his room when needed as it has a common space adjacent to it. I don’t go through his things but I can see things he leaves out. </p>

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<p>Newly-minted “adults” crack me up. This is what my own quasi-adult would call a “first-world problem”.</p>

<p>Parents don’t change just because your chronological age changes. If they are intrusive when you’re young, they’ll probably be intrusive when you’re older.</p>

<p>At my house, the college student is expected to check in just as she world have when she was in hs (texts are fine - text when you get somewhere, when you leave, etc) and be respectful of our schedules (don’t keep me up until 3 am on a work night worrying where you are), participate in some family time, and do some chores. In turn, we let her have her own space, unless there is a mess. But, we don’t have locks on the doors, and If she did lock the door, I think I’d open it, just on principle. :-)</p>

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<p>^Newly - minted “adults” and “first-world problems”
too funny!</p>

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<p>What was the reaction to finding these toys? Are you grounded for life? Did they ask you to move out? What would happen if you went out as planned even if they told you not to?</p>

<p>I think it is time for you to move out and if that means you have to take fewer classes and another year to graduate, so be it. Get a job, finish school as you can. Sounds like you are unhappy with the deal your parents are offering (which is ‘their house, their rules’). </p>

<p>My kids have no expectation of privacy, because I’ve told them if I’m paying for the internet, phone, room, board, that’s the deal. I do not go through their rooms, but I do check their bank accounts (my name is on them too) and if I had reason to think I needed to check on something, I would. They are free to get their own phones, internet connections, but if they are using mine, I have the right to check on usage.</p>

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<p>“So what? I did not expect that my parents would be snooping about through my room that same evening before I returned from work. I keep my door closed (and locked) whenever I’m out of the house (my parents have an extra set of keys), and did not anticipate at all that my room would be inspected.”</p>

<p>My kids are away at college. I absolutely would not snoop through their rooms / belongings, but it is still my house, and if I need to enter the room because I’m putting some mail on their desks, or seeing whether a book I’m pretty sure they have is there on the shelf, or I want to open the windows since I’m trying to circulate air through the house, or if I’m bringing in a painter and he wants to see the size of their rooms, guess what? I get to do those things.</p>

<p>Sorry. You’d have way more of a case if you had buried your toys someplace and they’d snooped, opened drawers, went through closets, etc. But they didn’t. They were out in the open. Nice try. </p>

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<p>I pop in and out of my kids’ bedrooms when they are home but I avert my eyes…dump the clean laundry if I’ve done laundry, pick up any empty glasses and get out as fast as I can and try not to see anything but the top the chair where I dump their laundry and the bedside table where a dirty glass might be. Personally if I were the OP I’d be putting away anything that I didn’t want seen/found. </p>

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<p>What does “snoop” mean to you? Does it mean entering your room and vacuuming? Does it mean opening drawers that would only contain your stuff? In other words, is what they are doing reasonable or not reasonable? </p>

<p>Do you have a night stand in which to put your private items?</p>

<p>Can you talk to your parents and say “It was kind of embarrassing the other day when you went into my room. I am feeling like I don’t have privacy…Can we talk about what your expectations are for entering my room?”</p>

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<p>I dropped mail in my kids room but the room is never locked. I don’t care what time she comes back so I don’t leave out the inside light anymore. There are plenty of light outside the house. I don’t expect them to eat with me, so my husband and I never waited up for them. They go through leftovers if they are hungry. But this 23 year old kid lived outside the house for at least a year, they are no longer dependent on us. She only stayed temporarily for 6 months.</p>

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<p>I get that you are angry about your lack of privacy but think how THEY must feel after this last incident. That is awkward beyond words. I would not be surprised if your parents aren’t thinking that it’s time for you to be in your own place. There appears to have been the accidental breach of a family boundary but they can’t "unsee’ what they saw. “Parents house” and “child’s sex toys” just don’t go together in my mind.</p>

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In this position the discrete parent simply backs out of the room slowly, relocks the door, and doesn’t mention the matter to the child or anyone else. Hard to see how it would be “accidental” however, if her door were locked.</p>

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<p>We live in a tiny 2 br apartment. The room that my son sleeps in is also the office/storage room. So, H and I are in and out all the time. If door is closed, we knock. If my S wants to keep something private, he needs to find a good hiding place. Not that I actively snoop, it’s just a small space! However, my kids set their own schedules, come and go as they please, etc. </p>

<p>However, the issue is NOT what other families do - the issue is the OPs family. As others have said, they are what they are. They are not going to change. I would work really hard to find a full-time job after graduation, save money and move out. Even if you live in an expensive city (like we do), there are plenty of affordable shared flats. </p>

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<p>OP if you are paying for school, food and transportation you must be already working. It appears from other threads that you are just about finished with school so you should be in a position very soon to start looking for an apartment. I think it is clear that the arrangement at home does not work and hasn’t for some time now. It would be better for you to be in your own space even if it means having other roommates your own age.</p>

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<p>I’m 21 and living at home, and my parents give me a fair amount of privacy. I think snooping through your things is unacceptable, but just walking into your room seems like fair game. Like others said, my parents will often drop in my room when I’m not home to put mail or something on my desk. (My mom will sometimes make my bed if she sees I haven’t…which I find very sweet of her!) When I’m home, my parents knock before they come in. But I have to say, they are in my room a lot. I find I naturally hang out with my parents a lot when I’m home, and my room is often the spot where the whole family will sit and argue about what to have for dinner haha. I don’t really feel a desire to keep my parents out of my room. </p>

<p>That being said, I would feel violated if my parents went through my stuff. I’m not hiding anything and I don’t have anything I wouldn’t want them to see, but it’s just a matter of respect. My parents have always given me a good amount of privacy growing up, but when I was in HS I would have my door locked for hours and it would always illicit a knock and “what are you doing in there?” which would annoy the crap out of me. I don’t lock myself in my room anymore because I don’t brood as much :slight_smile: Sorry for your awkward situation, that has to be tough to feel like you can’t do what you want in your own home. Your room should be your safe haven, and I hope you and your parents come to an understanding or that you’re able to move out. Good luck! </p>