How much time do you spend with your elderly parents?

Parent Cafe
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<p>This has been a topic of discussion in my home as of late. How much time do you spend with your elderly parents on a daily basis? I am finding that I need to make two visits a day, one visit is anywhere from 2 to 4 hours and the other is about 45 minutes to 1 hour in the late evening. Due to my fathers increasing health concerns I am not sure this could work much longer. </p>

<p>The idea of an assisted living facility is out of the question because the parent in question has all of his mental facilities and would be miserable in such a place. He also likes to have his family “visit” and does not like the idea of strangers in the home. I am feeling terrible these last few weeks because I am tired and feeling like I have my four kids as children again except my children were happy and a baby sitter was always available for an occasional night out. We are the sandwich generation and some of us are better at this than others. I would appreciate any suggestions of how you have managed to give so much of your time everyday. How did you manage having your own life when an elderly parent may need you at any given time. If you have gone through anything similar I would like to hear your suggestions. Mobility, doctor appointments, and many health issues are involved.</p>

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<p>I understand just what you’re going through, and my first advice would be to take care of yourself so that you can properly care for your father. The amount of time you’re spending with him, while admirable, seems like it’s taking its toll. I would hire someone, if you can, to be with him for a few hours a day. At first you could be there as well, to ease the transition, but at a certain point you just have to tell your father that you can’t do it all.</p>

<p>My mother lived in NYC while we live outside of Philadelphia. As her health declined, I tried to convince her to move into a (very, very nice) assisted living facility near us, but like your father she had no cognitive problems, and she refused. I traveled to NY at least once a week, more often as she got sicker. It was the most draining time of my life. I was completely exhausted and on the verge of illness myself (heart palpitations completely due to stress, etc.) for quite a while. I wound up (after many fights, but I finally put my foot down) spending a lot of money to have home health care aides come in for a few hours every day, and eventually she was certified for hospice care; those people were a godsend.</p>

<p>I know how difficult it is to negotiate these things with a parent, but you have your own health and your own family to think of as well. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you can find a solution that works for both you and your father.</p>

3

<p>

Does your father expect and want you to be his sole support as he ages? Is it possible that he hasn’t thought about this from your point of view - maybe because you’ve been reluctant to say to him, “Dad, I need more time at home?” I gently suggest that your father may need to become more comfortable with the idea of strangers in his home. They’ll only be strangers temporarily - when the right companions are found, they quickly become more like family. There are 24 hours in a day. How many can you give to your father and still do the other things you need to do? </p>

<p>I work in a senior center. It’s unusual for a senior to want to make extensive demands on an adult child’s time, which is why I imagine your dad might not understand that, if you’re with him for 3-4 hours spread over 2 visits, it’s bound to have an impact on your daily life with your husband/family, and, if applicable, your job.</p>

<p>I suggest calling or visiting the websites of your county’s department of aging services, nearby local senior centers, and area churches. The services for seniors are many and confusing, but someone who works in the field every day can give you a list of resources that can benefit your father and, in so doing, you.</p>

<p>It sounds as if meal preparation is involved if you’re there twice a day. Is Meals on Wheels in your area? In my town, it provides a hot meal and a smaller cold meal, delivered to your door, for about $7/day. I’d urge your dad to give it a 2-week try. Some senior centers serve lunch several times a week; some will prepare lunches to go. Few senior centers provide transportation, because it’s just so expensive, but if your dad can get to a nearby senior program he can enjoy the benefits of socializing with peers, exercise classes (regular exercise is vital for senior health/strength), and activities ranging from cards to Wii bowling to lectures, trips, more.</p>

<p>A bonded, trained elder companion is available in my area for about $15 per hour. They provide medication supervision, light housekeeping, meal preparation, transportation, etc. Your dad may be uncomfortable with this arrangement for a few days. But he’ll come to consider the right person a friend. I have seen this happen more times than I can count, and I urge you to encourage him to think about this.</p>

<p>Transportation to doctor’s appointments can be expensive if you call a medical transportation company. A paid companion usually does this as part of his/her job description. In our area, we have a volunteer group that does this for free; a nearby church will do so, as well.</p>

<p>I realize that I didn’t answer the questions you asked about having your own life while giving a parent so much time every day. Put bluntly, you can’t have the same kind of life you had before. It’s generous and loving to be there unstintingly for an aging parent whenever he/she needs you, but you will still be a generous and loving child if you accept outside paid help. Some families refuse the notion of “strangers” helping with aging parents, which is certainly their right. But that’s a tough, tough job.</p>

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<p>

Believe it or not, I actually left something unsaid in my last post. :smiley: Assisted living facilities are not necessarily or even primarily for seniors with diminished mental capacity. It’s much more common for residents to be physically limited, unable to drive, do chores, or cook regular meals for themselves, etc. </p>

<p>My 97-year-old grandmother lived quite happily in an assisted living facility, until it looked as if she’d outlast her savings, at which point she moved in with a daughter. (And still has all her faculties, btw.) She originally did it because she didn’t want her 60-something daughters to make enormous sacrifices caring for her; she came to enjoy the companionship. She had a small studio apartment with a little kitchen; a main meal was provided in the facility dining room at noon. Also provided: activities, classes, a library, a computer room, and socialization. Residents came and went at will, of course - some even still drove. This was affordable for a woman with a small monthly pension and Social Security until she started to realize that she might actually see 100-plus! </p>

<p>There’s a stigma to assisted living facilities that only a few of them deserve. Many people think, “Not my parents!” Many seniors think, “Not me!” But they can be an excellent option. I’m already planning to end up in one. :)</p>

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<p>Every family is different. My parents (age 91) live 5,000 miles away from us. My sibs live 2,500 miles from them. So we can’t visit very often - each of us tries to visit for a week or so once a year.</p>

<p>My parents had the choice of living in a continuum of care facility in the place they have called home for 65 years, with people they knew and a lifetime of friends, or moving 2,500 miles away to be near family, but where they would know no one other than one of their children.</p>

<p>We are fortunate that they have had the means to choose what has been best for them – staying in their community with their friends and connections. While my Dad does have significant memory problems now, and they both have various health problems, for the first 15-20 years they lived there they were both in robust health and fully mentally aware and functional.</p>

<p>Like others have commented, I think this is a good future option for us, especially as we have no idea where our kids will end up, and if they are anything like their parents, they are likely to move more than once during the time of our retirement.</p>

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<p>momma-three, would be moving in with you be a solution, even if he kept his own home and he lived with you during the week? Perhaps he could go to his own home on weekends with an aid? My grandparents did something like this for many years, but for different entirely different reasons and it worked out well for everyone.</p>

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<p>Oh, this is such hard stuff. I feel for the OP and for the other posters. Have also felt drained emotionally as my parents have come to demand more and more from me and resent what I feel I must keep giving to my spouse, kids and self. The warm and fuzzy concept of aged parents being doting and sweet is not always the case. </p>

<p>Both my husband’s parents and mine actually expect us to take early retirement at a considerably lower income, stop investing in our kids’ education and come live thousands of miles away near then to take care of them. We’ve invited them to live near us, even with us, but they don’t like our weather. Seriously. It’s so depressing to come to the realization that they are extremely selfish, at root. Both sets. Maybe that’s why they are so healthy and living so long!</p>

<p>Yes, I love them and am proud of them but they are not going to compromise what I give to my spouse, kids and self. Have never really seen where they sacrificed much for me. Father retired as early as possible, never gave me a cent for college. Such decisions have consequences, I’m finding.</p>

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<p>Sewhappy–I’m glad you’re holding your ground on this issue. My in-laws moved into an assisted living facility–actually, an independent living facility–and it transformed their lives for the better. There are a lot of places where you get your own apartment, but they serve 1 to 3 meals a day, and they check on people to make sure they’re okay, but otherwise, you’re free and independent. These places often have a lot of activities and classes, and a chance for the seniors to bond with their peers. At my in-law’s place, they had a big pool and aquarobics, things like that, as well as painting and pottery classes and so forth. Although many residents had cars and could travel independently, they also had buses for various outings and scheduled shopping trips. Honestly, it looked like a lot of fun. And everyone there was definitely of sound mind. These places aren’t cheap, but then again, it’s not cheap for you to spend three hours a day at your parents’ place. It just isn’t reasonable. I adored my in-laws, but one very disabled old person could suck up the full time care of a lot of people. And there is nothing you can do to make the outcome anything but sad. You have to preserve some of yourself for your own family and yourself, even if your parents need you. </p>

<p>Oh, another thing that can be good is senior day care programs.</p>

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<p>I can definitely relate to what the Op is going through. When I married- we moved from NJ to Houston. Within 3 years, my parents retired and moved to Houston. This was 28 years ago. For many years, they were a tremendous help- babysitting, etc. For the past 15 years, however, I have become the caretaker. As they began to encounter health issues, I became the caretaker. I was a stay at home mom for a while, so I did all the doctor’s visits, hospital stays, rehab things. They refused to move from their home, which was 20 miles in Houston traffic in the wrong direction for me. When things appeared to settle down, I returned to the workforce, but as their health took another big dip, I left work to take care of them. My dad passed away 3 years ago, and I then helped my mom navigate through selling everything, including the house and getting her moved in with us. I returned to work last year, but know this is going to be hard. She is 80, has survived three types of cancer but is frail. My husband works from home, so she doesn’t need in house assistance. But I dread hearing about every pain and sorrow she is going through. I am an only child (I had a brother who dies 11 yrs ago) so the responsibility falls to me. She will never, ever agree to go into a facility. She also has no money- so we are supporting her. </p>

<p>She knows the pressure she puts on us and feels trmemndously guilty about it. We all try to make the best of it, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I’ve felt some resentment.</p>

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<p>I know many families who’ve had an elderly parent move from a distance to live nearby or even in the same home. It’s a major adjustment for the senior, but some come through it well and it turns into a good arrangement for everyone. If the senior is a well-adjusted adult who enjoyed an independent life and has respect for his/her children doing the same, the outcome is better. Often the senior is resentful, and reluctant to make new friendships and put down new roots. The child (usually the daughter or DIL) is resentful of new demands and annoyed by the senior’s hesitance to jump into a new life. I can’t tell you how many times a daughter has practically pulled her mom or dad into our center, and it’s been clear that the senior is angry about it. We have a very popular program, with multiple well-attended activities - but these seniors almost never come back after the first time. (And we really work to extend a warm welcome.) I always wonder what the conversation was like on the way home.</p>

<p>If we don’t want to do this to our own children, we boomers should really start thinking now about how and where we’d like to end up, and take steps to make that happen. If we expect our children to physically be there for us in a major way, we should make sure they’re aware of it - they may have some thoughts on the subject themselves.</p>

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<p>It’s tough. I don’t live in the same town with either set of my parents (mother (stepfather died in 2008) or father/stepmother). None of them have been demanding, although my sister has devoted a LOT of time to our mother/stepfather over the years. I try to get up to PA every 4-6 weeks to see my mother. It helped that WildChild was in college in the area. My sister and her family lost the battle re: assisted living for our parents and my (step)father died just as Plan B was being implemented. Plan B a gorgeous, large addition onto my sister’s house for our parents built with their (parents) funds. Now it is just our mother living there and my sister has a stable of awesome aides who come in to help mom, who is wheelchair bound. Her quality of life is 1000% better than when she and my stepfather lived in their home and never went anywhere. The aides take Mom to shows, to church, to parties and up to my sister’s Poconos house. It’s not cheap, but it’s what my sister wanted to do for them. The aides are all energetic (one is a retired nurse) and I am facebook friends with two of them! I appreciate it with all my heart. All I have to do is swoop in and visit and offer moral support from afar. My sister also took on responsibility for her mother in law (in her 90s) and moved her down to their area (apt nearby) from NH. The very ill sister-in-law (70) came too, and passed away this past March. I don’t know how my sister does it with a job and college kids of her own.<br>
My father/stepmother are mentally good but starting to really slip physically. The insist on moving back and forth between the west and east coast fairly regularly. Right now they are in Charlottesville (since August) planning to go back to southern California. I try to get to wherever they are a couple of times a year. My stepsiblings are a little more accessible and able to help more than I can.
I guess I’m lucky that I don’t feel guilty and just do what I can do.</p>

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<p>This is a very timely thread for me. My parents (age 80) are 2 hours away and I usually visit on Saturday or Sunday. There are 6 adult children and all live closer than I do. Mom’s got pretty bad arthritis (and other health issues which she minimizes). Dad has Parkinsons and is declining. He’s falling more and more. He can’t get himself dressed and showering is an accident waiting to happen. His memory and bladder are failing. Mom is afraid to leave him, even to run to the store. Thankfully, wonderful SIL lives nearby and stops by regularly to run errands or sit with my father. This week, I had to take a day out of work to head up there for a family pow-wow. Both parents agree they need some help. I interviewed several home health agencies. We are hoping to find someone just like the one who takes care of MOWC’s mom. </p>

<p>In the meantime, I am becoming more and more exhausted. I have always been the primary emotional support for my parents and the anxiety and uncertainty of all this is affecting my sleep and concentration. I, too, have been having heart palpitations because of this. I know its not going to get any easier. Thankfully, I have a very supportive H who settles me down.</p>

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<p>Mansfield- It is really trial and error to find good home-help. Right after my stepfather died and Mom was still in the house, the people we got were not very good. They weren’t horrible, but most of the ones the agency sent had limited English and just weren’t much in the way of companions for Mom. When she moved in with my sister, the best solution (and only because my sister was willing to manage this nightmare) was to piece together a bunch of part-time people. One or two came through an agency and the others were word-of-mouth or craigslist. My sister has a home office, which helps for when someone is running late or sick or something. With the part-time people, the quality seemed MUCH better. One of them enjoys cooking and has Mom helping prepare cakes, meals etc. One loves to take Mom on outings to her (Mom’s) old neighborhoods, parks etc. The big event of the week is the (not to be skipped under any circumstances) trip to the hairdresser down near Mom’s former house. We are very lucky. It isn’t all smooth- my sister gets frustrated with one or more of the aides frequently, but all in all it is about as perfect a situation for our mother as you could want. She has her own kitchen, bedroom, living room and car (the aides drive it) but connects to my sister’s house through a neat shared Florida room that goes out to a wonderful deck where Mom can go for sun. My sister has 2 Greyhounds and 5 cats (yeah- definitely over the top) which are REALLY good for Mom. One of the Greyhounds got certified as a therapy dog and is wonderful with Mom. Initially, the dogs (rescues) were afraid of the wheelchair, so that had to be overcome. It’s all a process.</p>

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<p>lucky here.
I stay with 90’s mother at night and have lunch and company with her on weekdays. Sister comes down on weekends. Until two months ago (passed), I was also caring for 90 FIL at my house. </p>

<p>DW has been RIF’d and now caring for her mother, at our house.</p>

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<p>what a great thread…I can relate to so much of what many of you are going through…my youngest -the prince of the family is planning to head off to college in September and we couldn’t be more excited for him ( medical situations since birth so we are over the top with joy at watching him move on to his next phase of life!!) and a widowed mother who believes with all her heart that my sister and I are to be available to take care of her every need now that she has surgeries to replace arthritic joints etc etc… or when her friends are not available…
It is so hard…I want to sit back and quietly revel in the joy of my son…
One good thing that has helped me greatly…(gifts come in hidden packages!).during one of my moms hospitalizations upon lvg the hospital late one night I stopped to check my own blood pressure and it was VERY high…scared the heck out of me!! and made me realize I have to take care of myself in order to take care of my family and also my mother…-who upon hearing of my blood pressure angrily…selfishly?? said “well take care of yourself if that’s what you need to do”…
Good luck to all of us!!</p>

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<p>You might be interested in this article in Reader’s Digest on the subject - </p>

<p>[4</a> Amazing Caregiving Stories | Inspiring People | Reader’s Digest](<a href=“http://www.rd.com/make-it-matter-make-a-difference/-4-amazing-caregiving-stories/article168643.html]4”>http://www.rd.com/make-it-matter-make-a-difference/-4-amazing-caregiving-stories/article168643.html)</p>

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<p>It is amazing the stories one can hear when talking to others, whether it be the shock on selfish parents or uncaring children/siblings or the child who bends over backwards to do everything.</p>

<p>One awkward thing to discuss with spouses & parents, if you can, is finances. A freind has a step mother who lives 3000 miles away and who was pampered all her life. She simply cannot abide the thought of being alone, she has been, for several years, in the rehab wing of a nursing home. They could not ever get her moved out as to each assisted living evaluator who came, she emphasized all the things she “had to have” so they have been paying $9500 monthly PLUS anohter $1200-1500 for a 4 hour a day companion. She lives in the rehab side as she is 92 and has her full faculties whereas most of the nursing home patients are not all there mentally.</p>

<p>A year or so ago the step-daughter, who is handling all the paperwork and bill pay withe the large amount of money left by Dad warned step mother that the income would soon be gone. The woman would not agree to cut anything out, not ever reduce the 7 day a week companion. She is 100% cognizant and aware so her stepD did not feel it was her place to make those decisions. SMom is now nearly a year behind on payments as they are awaiting medicaid approval, once that happens, she will be allowed $35/mo for any and everything- clothes, hair, toiletries, etc and the govt will pay their allowed amount & she will stay in the same nursing home.</p>

<p>This Step D has flown to the town essentially to change a light bulb- the son who lives 15 minutes away and the near by grand kids will not lift a finger. StepD says StepMom was pretty evil to her, so the boy may have valid reasons. But to hear my friends stories it just bizarre. And how do you decide when to override the parent’s decisions? It would have been better, in the long run, for this stepparent to have had her expenses reduced so the money would last longer.</p>

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<p>My in laws live about 1500 miles from us, they have lived nearly 50 years in the same home and have a strong social support group. They are in their 80s & 90s and I am sure he will live to 100+ like so many of those healthy farm kids who seem to just keep going- not even a history of any heart disease or cancer, just a few joints replaced.</p>

<p>Sadly she needs help and is wheelchair bound and they weigh about the same, so I am not sure when that will become too much for him. They have a helper 2 days a week and some one to clean the house and are otherwise self-sufficient, however it would be physically impossible for us to ever do “enough” There is simply no such thing as enough for them. Everything we do is well-received, but they always want/need more- mainly the visit & social aspect. My DH feels guilty.</p>

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<p>Wow, somemom, your FIL is in his 80 or 90s and is able to lift his wife out of the wheelchair? I don’t know how he does it! If your MIL is paralyzed, she can’t carry any of her weight. Is that the case? Aren’t you worried that he’ll fall while trying to lift her?</p>

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<p>My inlaws are in their mid 70s and still pretty healthy. They do not have a lot of money saved and they do not have a plan. We are helping them financially, but how do you make someone make a plan? My husband talks to his dad all the time, but they still won’t make a plan. </p>

<p>We have made suggestions and their choices seem obvious to me. I guess they are waiting for the crisis moment. They live far away and don’t want to move, so instead they are frozen with indecision.</p>