<p>I recently read a wonderful article in The Atlantic which was written by a man who was taking care of his elderly and very fragile dad, who still lived in his own place. The father did not want to go to assisted living. Finally, his son said, respectfully and gently “Dad, you are <em>already</em> in assisted living, except <em>I</em> am the assistant.” The writer said this snapped his dad into awareness that he, the dad, did not want to be burdening his son and, moreover, that, as the dad, it was his job to make sure his son was all right.</p>
<p>NotMamaRose,Thank you for posting this. The artcle sounds like it would be very interesting. The son sounds like he handled this so well and the father did too.</p>
<p>Two stories from acquaintances of mine that illustrate why even a family member should be paid for being an elderly person’s personal assistant. </p>
<ol>
<li><p>Family with two daughters. One was a homemaker with an empty nest. One was a professional woman working. When the parents were no longer able to care for themselves, the homemaker took care of them. But when they died, each daughter got half. Fair?</p></li>
<li><p>90 year old woman with two children. One son died suddenly but since his wife and kids were local, she moved in with them. And although she helped with household expenses, when she died, the half of the estate which would have gone to her son had he not predeceased her went to the children. Nothing to the daughter in law who cared for her. My friend said she knew that the MIL always said “Money follows blood”, so the DIL was not included.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>The article NotMamaRose references is by Jonathan Rauch-“Letting Go of My Father.” It is well worth reading for anyone going through these issues. He also mentions some resources like strengthforcaring.com , caregiver.org and caregiving.org</p>
<p>TatinG, There is some movement I believe to address that issue . Read that that kind of thing may be coming in a book recently but can’t remember the name of the book. I personally spent 15 weeks(one 8 week stretch and another 7 week stretch) 4 years ago 8 hours away from my husband and then high school age son to help my sister with my mother (who had two major hospitalizations). My mother and sister live together but my sister works full time. My mother could not be left alone, essentially needed nurses’ aide kinds of things, getting to bathroom, which I ended up doing during the day while my sister worked(home health nurses explaining how to change bandages, address wound care,etc). My sister and I shared care when she got home from work. I essentially was an unpaid aide for weeks and there have been issues off and on since then where I have had to spend long periods of time away from home. It was not until 2009 when yet another major issue came up that I was able to convince them that they had to look into local resources, that I could come for a time but that at some point I MUST leave and they must begin to let strangers into the home,etc. I found the local resources, local aide before I left town and she and her predecessor have been helping ever since. It HAS helped some. I still visit frequently but at least my mother and sister have become more comfortable with bringing in outside help!</p>
<p>Thanks to all of you for lending an ear. We had a wonderful weekend watching our oldest son graduate. It was trully spectacular, and there are just no words to describe the feeling. It was great having the time to myself and with my own kids without worrying about dad, walking, steps, wheelchair, medicines, sugar levels, and bathroom visits. It was just the six of us enjoying the accomplishments of our first to graduate. He will see the pictures this morning and hopefully I can enjoy showing them, without him saying anything to make me feel like I left him out.</p>
<p>Driving 9 hours home after spending weekend visiting elderly father/stepmother in VA. They are sharp as can be mentally but getting more and more frail. She turned 88 yesterday and he will be 85 in Sept. Watching them on the walkers is terrifying. He is going to give up his car at the end of June, which is a good decision. They have decided to stay in VA and NOT attempt a move back to California. They will move in 2 weeks to a smaller apartment in their senior living place which is much closer to the dining room and social areas. All in all, they are doing well, but every time we see them I have to realize that it could be the last.</p>
<p>My mother’s brother and sister both told me that when my mother gets bad enough just stick her in a home and don’t feel bad about it. My mother is DIFFICULT. My brother comes from another state for about 5 days every other year now and helps fix up her house. That is all he can take. She is 82 and our relatives live into their late 90’s. I give her a quick call every few days to see how she is. I take her places if needed. My husband said that if she moved in, he would leave. I asked him if he would take me with him:-)</p>
<p>I visit my mother 2 days a week and work full time. One day is after I work all day the other is day is Sunday. It is never enough time for my mother. Every time I go to leave she has a remark you are leaving already it is only 8pm, I was there one Sunday at 2:30pm and when I was getting ready to leave at 7:30 she said why are leaving now it is only 7:30 it is never enough. I have to get nasty with her at times when I say nasty just tell her I have been here for 5 hours and you are still not happy at least I come to visit you. She actually asked me if I was coming again the next day… I sat and watched her sleep in a chair what a waste of time. I would rather spend 2 hours talking with her but that wouldn’t be enough to keep her happy and my sister happy. I have cut down on the time I spend and think it is time to cut down again.</p>
<p>Welcome enoughtime. I know it’s difficult, but no matter what you do, it probably won’t be enough time for your mom. You know that you’re devoting a lot of time and energy (and patience) but she’s at a point in her life where she would like to keep expecting more of you. It seems like you devote a lot of time to spend with her, so if you need to adjust how much time you spend, you should. No, she won’t be happy, but try not to let her make you feel guilty. I think they get more “quirky” as they age and maybe at a different time in her life she would be more appreciative of the time you’re spending. Good luck, and let us know how it’s going.</p>
<p>There’s an ongoing thread here on CC that you may find helpful:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1385049-parents-caring-parent-support-thread-57.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1385049-parents-caring-parent-support-thread-57.html</a></p>