<p>My D is in Spain (study abroad). We mostly communicate by email or Facebook message. She’s been there a little over a week, and we hear from her every other day or so. She gets in touch one way or another without prompting. That’s pretty much been the pattern all through college (she’s a junior). She emails photos when she has a good one to share. I imagine this will be her pattern for the foreseeable future. I think girls are better at keeping in touch than boys, from what I hear.</p>
<p>My son lives in the same town and until he moved back in with us to finish school locally, I don’t think he initiated contact more often than once a month. Some boys just don’t.</p>
<p>Reading this thread, it sounds like there are lots of different “right” answers; it depends on the kid, the parent, the dynamic, and the history. So let me propose this rule:</p>
<p>Don’t be intrusive. Your child will let you know, directly or indirectly, if you’re crossing that line.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This student is saying that it’s time to back off a little. She’s just trying to avoid saying the words.</p>
<p>DD1 texts me all the time with MMS (picture) texts of her studio projects, etc. I text back sending daily updates of our pet rodents, and other such things. </p>
<p>Plus we touch base on the phone a couple times a day - around 5 I am driving home and have time to talk, and she’s done with classes and has some time.</p>
<p>My D lost her phone on Friday so only contact is via FB messages- I had already decided that I wasn’t going to text often but every few days-she texts me when she wants to tell me something - she is waiting on the new Iphone 5 so if it comes out she’ll have a phone if not guess its FB only-</p>
<p>I am of the thought that I text my D when I have something to say to her. Sometimes that is several times a day if there is business to take care of, sometimes it goes several days. I will email her if there is a link to pass along. </p>
<p>I rarely call. It seems that she responds to texts the best and fastest, no one needs to know it is mom she is talking to and she is not normally a computer person to be on FB or email much. And, she never calls me. When we do have phone conversations, they are quick and to the point, her side is very mono syallble yes and no answers. She talks more in texts.</p>
<p>Neither one of us generally feels the need to text just to be texting.</p>
<p>Your post also could have been written by me except I dropped my freshmen daughter off 2 weeks ago. Your description of your daughter sounds just like mine. She used to call me multiple times a day b4 she left for school. She did hang out with friends but stayed home a LOT and we spent quite a bit of time together. </p>
<p>Since the first few days of lots of texting / calling due to straightening out textbook and medical problem stuff she has really cut way back on the texts and calls. I’m SOO happy that she seems so adjusted as she had fairly low self-esteem from medical & other problems so I was really worried about her adjusting. Seems like she is doing way better than I could have imagined. I should be happy right??? We have always been extra close due to all her medical problems so I really thought our relationship wouldn’t change much but unfortunatley for me it has. I’m very glad to read others are finding the same thing with their kids - it makes me feel better. I just hope we get back our close relationship at some point in the future : ( </p>
<p>I cried everyday for about the first 5 or 6 days and it is better now. I am so sad when I’m in a store and I see moms with their young kids and I know that will never be me again. </p>
<p>I could easily see myself getting way too wrapped up in being depressed about this so I’m going to start moving on to new things to occupy my time and thoughts!!!</p>
<p>Take care,</p>
<p>I am never happy to see the misfortune of others, but seeing posts of parents whose kids have NOT been happy at school, does make me remember the sharp pain of feeling my kid’s pain and grateful I am not going through that. It’s worse for us than for them. I’m glad my daughter is happy at school and busy; the pain of missing her, bad as it is, is not as bad as the pain you feel when your kid is miserable and you can’t do anything about it.</p>
<p>It’s been a week now and the microfiber rags are starting to dry out…I still miss her funny and bouncy little self but I have found an exciting new project to get wrapped up in, which at least gives me something else to focus on.</p>
<p>Also I’m so happy I adopted those cats. I can snorggle them all I want to and they never seem embarrassed or too busy.</p>
<p>~but I did paint all my toenails each a different color and send her a photo text of them today…</p>
<p>Everyone take heart and do what you need to do to take care of yourself and adjust to this new phase. Be good to yourself and take comfort in this supportive community. It has helped me a lot.</p>
<p>I have made a point to not text or call first, but be available when she calls us. So far, it is working great - one week, 10 or so texts, one SKYPE call, and this morning a call for more clothes (she underestimated her closet space, so now wants to fill it up!). Since we both have Iphones, I literally stood in her closet wtih my phone on Facetime and she looked through each piece saying “yes” “no” to each piece of clothing. Pretty easy way to fill a box!!</p>
<p>My freshman son and I have always been close, and he’s more communicative than most boys. His major is my profession, so we do have a lot in common. We do almost exclusively let him initiate. He started July 29, and since then, we’ve had several “how do I handle this” calls from him, a few admin questions from us (did you get your package), and several brief chatting sessions where he wanders away when he gets bored / busy. Dad has less contact, but has still texted / emailed a few times. Very few phone calls. I’m such a mess missing him, that I’m absurdly grateful for the contact we have.</p>
<p>I believe if it were up to my S he would not call, text or communicate one time with us before Thanksgiving. It is very frustrating. he is our only child and has been gone for 10 days now. We are going to do the best we can to let him separate. It would be nice to hear something.</p>
<p>smile12157 - I think when they are really that badly incommunicado, that the strategy mentioned upthread about requiring a once a week call or at least a text if they want the cell phone paid, isn’t an unreasonable request and won’t prevent them from making a successful separation. That’s not the same thing as mom or dad constantly calling, texting, skyping, several times a day, IMO. </p>
<p>My dad has stories about the other members of the diving team he was on when he was in school - one of them was either on a really tight budget or just very frugal, he would get that stiff cheap toilet paper from the bathroom and write his mom on it. She wrote him back, “Ralphie, buy some paper.” lol.</p>
<p>Guess we’d be glad for a note on toilet paper, even.</p>
<p>smile12157, IMO you should definitely insist on a weekly check-in, even if it’s just a text to say “Hi.” Guys are less communicative than girls, so not hearing from him is probably normal. But it’s not being intrusive if you require him to stay in touch.</p>
<p>My kids are a little older now so this isn’t from the mom of a freshman. My S calls when he has something to say. He doesn’t have much to say so I don’t hear from him very often. He’s so good in person. Talks, happy to see us, engaging. On the phone, not so much. </p>
<p>Got this text from him last night. (He’s in Texas) “Just texting you to inform you that I am in fact alive and have not been displaced by fires. However there were some in the area.” LOL! He is so funny but he had something to say.</p>
<p>My D on the other hand either calls or texts every day. It is very rare for me not to hear from her. Sometimes she asks if I’ll do her a favor. Sometimes she calls on her way back and forth from class or work. Short conversations and I’ll find out how things are going. This summer when she was working, not so many calls, more texts.</p>
<p>We are trying to keep it to every other day unless something comes up. Our situation is that my 2 sisters his aunts are very close to him so they call him once a week.</p>
<p>I also send an occasional email. I like the idea of sending pics. Today when I am stuck in a traffic jam in Miami I am going to take a pic and say to him: see what you are missing out on???</p>
<p>thanks for this thread excellent advice.</p>
<p>I have two in college and DS calls a few times a week. DD likes to text daily and have maybe one short phone call during the week. I am very grateful that they both know how difficult this is for me and that I worry about them. I am not one to text or call unless it is business related and important. I also don’t get over dramatic with them on how much I am missing them. They both have told me how much they appreciate that!</p>
<p>Dropped S off last Thursday. Had one Skype session on Sunday, one text message and call on Monday because he couldn’t transfer $$ to his UCard, and one text message yesterday asking me to let his mom know that he was having a banana for breakfast. I sent a text this morning but no response.</p>
<p>I have been reading this thread from the beginning and have actually started several times to contribute but erased before posting.</p>
<p>As the parent of a sophomore son, I have come to the conclusion that I am better off if he doesn’t call! Son has never been much of a telephone talker although when we are living in the same house, he shares a lot with me. Due to school busing issues, I drove him to school every day for two years and he shared info on much of his daily life–but only when he was in a talkative mood (didn’t often happen at 7 am). This past summer, we drove to the gym together to exercise and that was the time when he shared. Asking him direct questions like how was your day or how do you like your job usually got a one or two word response.</p>
<p>I have found that when I ask him to call, the conversations are forced. He just sounds very negative. If I didn’t have a history with him, I would be very worried. Now, after a year, I know that he figuratively cries on my shoulder during phone calls and shares happy stuff when we are in the car. Today he called and talked to his dad when I wasn’t home about a problem with a class (teacher became ill and has to take a leave of absence). I will be worrying about the outcome while he will move on and solve the problem of dropping, adding and getting books. </p>
<p>I think the answer to this question is different for each family and probably for each individual student within a family. I was very close to my mother but I rarely called her (era before cell phones) or even wrote when I was in college and/or lived 300 miles away. On the rare occasions that my H or I travel without the other, we do not tend to call without a specific reason. I keep reminding myself that what I would like from S is just not his personality–and if I am truly honest with myself, it isn’t my personality either to be a phone talker.</p>
<p>The best take-away from our orientation this summer (oldest is a freshman) came from a parent on a panel. They said “Do NOT call back.” In other words, if they call to talk through a problem, they are talking it through. Not asking for a solution. Don’t lay in bed, think of a good solution, and call them back. They have moved on. Really trying to remember this, as I tend to err toward the helicopter side, and our daughter tends to lean on us to help.</p>
<p>We have an agreement that our college kid calls us once a week on the weekend. Last year he mostly used the time he was walking to a Saturday class. I never text him unless it’s things like: “I found x, did you leave it behind on purpose?” “X arrived in the mail, do you want it?” The first week of school we generally get a bunch of texts or calls from him of things he’s forgotten, I of course, answer promptly. :)</p>