<p>When DS was a college student, we usually talked to him at a scheduled time once a week, unless something urgent needed each other’s attention.</p>
<p>Now that he is no longer a college student, we find that it becomes more challenging for us to call each other at a scheduled time regularly. It is likely because 1) he is now more busy 2) we are naturally less aware of what he has been doing in his daily life (both “work” and out of work.)</p>
<p>How do you handle this situation after your young adult son or daughter has been fully out of the nest? Do you still call him/her at some mutually agreed-upon time every week? Will it become burdensome for him/her? (I am fully aware that it is likely NOT a burden for the parents.)</p>
<p>Honestly, we look forward to the time when we have a chance to talk to him each week. However, we have some lingering concern that it could become burdensome for him to have such regular calls just because he still thinks it is his obligation to call us or answer our call like we used to do over the past several years. Recently, it is more often that he had to reschedule the call time. This issue is likely more relevant to us because we used to be “helicopter parents” and were occasionally “accused” of being too nosy about his life.</p>
<p>We don’t do scheduled calls with our adult children, although sometimes I wished we did. It’s not unusual for six weeks or more to pass between calls, but we’ll usually get texts or FB messages or even an email once in a while. Other times, I’ll get three or four calls in a day or two when something is going on for which my advice is wanted. They never call just to chat; there must be some important news they want to share or something they want help with before they will call. I didn’t plan to join FB but finally did because it’s a way to reassure dh and me that our kids are alive and well when we haven’t heard from them in weeks. </p>
<p>We understand that they’re busy and try to remember how infrequently we spoke to our parents on the phone back in the day. I only get grumpy when I email them about something important (like an offer of something they’ve expressed interest in) and there’s no reply for days until I text to nudge them.</p>
<p>mcat…your son is in med school, correct? I believe he is further along than my son. If so, then he really may not have much free time. This summer is my son’s only summer where he has a long break (not really, cuz he’s working with a plastic surgeon), but he was able to take a 9 day vacation with me earlier this month (yay!!). The next few summers will be extremely short (2 weeks off?). So, that may be where your son is at.</p>
<p>I do try to text my son about once a week…just a quick, “hi, love you” sort of thing, with a short mention of whatever is going on in with the family, pets, or him. He usually texts back a message. </p>
<p>Can only tell you what works for me: text them when little things pop up that you want to share with them. My kids will often respond with a call if they are free to talk. It is up to us to make sure that we still have things in common to share. If they are crazy about a new show or movie, make sure that you see it! My D and I text while watching “the Voice” for example. H started with a personal trainer due to S , who lives a 1000 miles away. Develop an interest in their sport. Embrace technology and request their help when you can’t figure it out!</p>
<p>Text or FB is a good idea. I noticed the next generation rely on texting much more than we do. Sometimes I think their phone call time is mostly used for communicating with us while the new generation communicate with each other via texts.</p>
<p>One “hit” in our family is that my wife got him interested in cooking during his gap year. Whenever he has a question about cooking, he would call. This kind of spontaneous call is more “natural” than the regular weekly call. For the regular call, we try to make it as short as possible especially when we notice it is late or he is too tired to talk.</p>
<p>We have been thinking of changing the way of our communication so that it will become less a burden for him.</p>
<p>A colleague told me that an issue for his communication with his college-age kid is that the topic he is interested in talking with his child is usually not one that his child is equally interested in. So it is important to try to be interested in what the child may be interested in (or something he still needs to learn from you - e.g., he may still have a lot to learn from you about many things in the kitchen.)</p>
<p>We prob. talk to our 2 sons about once a month. We usually wait for them to call us. Since their lives are much busier than ours at this point in life, I’d rather them call when the timing is best for them. If we haven’t heard from them by the end of a month, I’ll call just to check in. S1 is a Navy officer and S2’s company does contract work all over the country. So we’re never certain what their schedules are. </p>
<p>If I’m wanting to talk with one of our Ds, then I will usually text them and ask them to call me at their convenience. That way, I know it’s the best time for them. And sometimes I just text them for no particular reason. I really try not to respond to most of their Facebook posts, but neither one is very active on Facebook - they can go weeks without putting something up.</p>
<p>H almost always calls each D at least once a week, when he’s on his way home from work. It gives him something to do during an otherwise boring drive. Then when he gets home, he tells me whatever they’re up to, or sometimes if he’s still on the phone with them, will hand over the phone so I can talk to them. Of course, a number of times, he calls them and gets no answer, so just leaves a message.</p>
<p>D2 is a late-night person and is on the west coast, so there have been a number of times when I’ll call her if I can’t get to sleep at night; I know she’s still awake and her boyfriend works nights, so she’s usually alone and it’s a good time to talk. D1 is on the east coast and has more regular hours, so I find it harder to catch her - again, the request of asking her to call me in a text usually works. </p>
<p>Thank God for public transportation! My D often calls while she’s waiting for the bus or the el - just chatting to pass the time. Since her life is much busier than mine, I let her call when her schedule allows. I only call her if it’s an emergency. </p>
<p>We do text each other often - for example, while we we’re watching The Walking Dead or when I happen to see/hear/think of something that reminds me of her.</p>
<p>If you’re looking for numbers, I think she and I fall on the chattier side of normal; we probably talk 4 or 5 times a week, depending on how quickly her bus arrives. Although she has other friends and a boyfriend, we’ve always been close (well, except for middle school).</p>
<p>We talk to our son every week or two. He responds quickly to text messages as well. To be honest, I wish he lived closer so we could talk to him in person more often!</p>
<p>Our son rents with friends in our same town.
It is really pretty wonderful because he will drop in unexpectantly (OK with us) while running errands or biking.
But calls are few and far between (weeks) and we are old folk who don’t text.
He does connect when he wants opinion on something but that is rare.
He also, thankfully, emailed me BEFORE stopping in with new out of town girlfriend who we had not yet met.
Gave me a chance to quickly declutter!</p>
<p>We know he is immersed in his new life and happy, so we are two. When he throws me the “love you” as he’s leaving it makes me smile.</p>
<p>We never had regularly scheduled calls with our sons when they were in college, but each of them picked up the habit of giving us an occasional call when walking across campus or to the Metro etc. As adults, they’ve kept to that pattern–we will often get a quick call when they are walking somewhere. The boys are all close, so they will often bring us up to speed on what is going on with each other.</p>
<p>H and I rarely call the boys–we don’t want to be intrusive.</p>
<p>So it was funny when one of the boys recently asked why he has to do all the calling! So the next evening I called him while I was walking home from the Metro, and we had a nice but short chat.</p>
<p>I will often send them a picture of their dog doing something silly and that always gets a quick response–it’s a technique I sometimes use if I need “proof of life” because it’s been a while.</p>
<p>The main reason why we appreciate the call is to have “proof of life.”</p>
<p>It seems the regularly scheduled call for a boy at this age is “too intrusive.” Maybe we should find a way to improve it.</p>
<p>
Either she or you (or both) must be nervous when you first met! Another topic we may eventually be interested in is how to be a parent such that your loved one’s BF or GF will like, or at least will not dislike. I heard DS had started a new relationship starting this spring but we have not known much about her except that she may be more sincere about the relationship than his previous one (at least it appears she does not insist on “open relationship”.)</p>
<p>Look for natural ways to communicate - I think a regularly scheduled call would feel too formal and I would feel like I need an agenda/last ahead of time.</p>
<p>Embrace ways to stay in contact without feeling that anyone is obligated or tip-toeing! Send texts or emails or a phot via email/text of simple stuff you want to share. A text to say, “OMG, we are watching your fav episode of Seinfield right now and laughing so hard!” Or “saw your chldhood friend Tom at the store , he says hi” or " here’s a pic of dad and I walking near the lake". Things like that don’t require. Big time investment on either side but they keep you in touch.</p>
<p>If you are a past helicopterer, make sure your phone chats are not “reports” - he is beyond needing to give you a play by play and waiting for your analysis. ;)</p>
<p>Ds1 got a job here after graduating from a college 1,000 miles away. I am so thankful. In fact, he’s sitting right here, and we’re watching his favorite sport on TV. He’s going to live at home, at least the first year, though we are both working on finding house-sitting jobs for him to get him out so we don’t get on each others’ nerves. He leaves today for another two-week gig. He comes home about twice a week to pilfer some food, watch TV, do laundry.</p>
<p>When he went away to college, I deliberately did two things. First, I got us texting. He’s never been much of a talker so I knew that phone calls weren’t going to work. The second thing I did was mentioned above, which is to meet him where he is. I joined a fantasy football league so that I’d have excuses to call him and ask for help. Don’t kids love to be the expert? :). I also listened to his radio show online and learned as much as I could stomach about profane rap and hip-hop. He also started a new sport, and I made a point to follow it and learn as much as I could. That culminated this spring with watching him play in the natl championship tournament!</p>
<p>Good luck staying in touch. I know it’s difficult. </p>