<p>I text once or twice a week with D. We Skype or call about once a month. Nothing sad about it!! I’m happy that she has a job and a house and a great social life. We love talking. We just save up stuff to talk about. </p>
<p>Everyone has different habits that work for each family. I do believe in letting the kids take the lead in setting the frequency. In fact, I know I’ve texted to much to S when I no longer even get a smiley face in response or a “K”. But I was thrilled and saw a glimpse of budding maturity when S (19 yr old) called and asked me what I had been up to lately. He was actually expressing an interest in me and his dad outside of what he wanted us to do for him! It’s almost like we’re becoming real people to him. lol</p>
<p>Mcat 2, you wrote my thoughts better than I could.<br>
I do want proof of life. Besides that, I like hearing from son spontaneously, rather than on a schedule.</p>
<p>He likes to send his father and me emailed video and/or audio links of his bands latest gig.
It’s the evolution of the zillions of his elementary, HS, undergrad and grad concerts we’ve all attended for 18 yrs now. It’s different, but still fun. :)</p>
<p>My younger daughter texts my husband or me nearly every day, usually with just a quick comment that doesn’t need a response. The older daughter up in AK calls maybe once a week, or one of us calls her. She can’t text because Verizon doesn’t reach her village, but I’ll hear from her with texts now that she’s in Anchorage for a few weeks - been a village teacher long enough now that she’s on the welcome team for new teachers being sent to other middle of nowhere locations.</p>
<p>I know both are alive and well through facebook. </p>
<p>D1 and I live in the same city. We speak few times a week because I prefer speaking rather than texting. We probably see each other every other week.</p>
<p>We have requested that D call at least once a week, and it hasn’t been an issue for either of us. If she hasn’t called by late Sunday, and we haven’t heard from her during the week, we’ll give her a buzz, or we’ll text her. It can range anywhere from a half hour to a 2 minute call. She often calls on her way to or from work. I get a lot of “OK, I’m at the grocery store now. Bye.”</p>
<p>When you have adult children, you need to be more of a friend than a parent. Would a friend ask probing questions about his personal life, or his GF? If not, then don’t ask.</p>
<p>I speak to my children at least once a week with my son calling 2-3 times a week and they have been living on the opposite coast for a decade. I never call them, I let them call me because I know then they are in a mood to talk. And it is never scheduled. We joke, we talk about current events, home-town sports, their activities and food. Everything is light-hearted.</p>
<p>If I must speak to them, I either call or text them to call me at their earliest convenience. Usually I get a call very shortly after.</p>
<p>If you need proof of life, include them in your phone plan, then you can see if there are any “activities” on their phones.</p>
I agree when it is still at the GF/BF stage. When the marriage becomes a reality, the parents may naturally have more “responsibility” on the funding aspect of the marriage if the young couple do not have means to do it by themselves. (An analogy is: friend does not help fund college education, but parents do.) The parents naturally would like to know what the expectation FDIL/FSIL may have. One of a friend’s granddaughters was married last year. Her wedding gown alone costs $3000 (not in NYC) and I heard she was married with somebody with a modest income (firefighter.) The friend tried (but failed) to pursuade her to choose a cheaper alternative. (And this grandma, who has been through the Great Depression period, helped pay for about 1/2 of her college expenses and essentially partly raised her for almost 8 years because her mother was too busy working when she grew up.)</p>
<p>My D1 (age 24, living halfway across the country) calls me a couple of times a week. I usually call her once. A lot of times we talk during our evening commutes (she walks a lot of days, about a 45 minute walk). But she called me almost every day in college, so this is actually less contact than we were having then. It works well for us.</p>
<p>There are many starter marriages nowadays. I go to some restaurants that serve food from my home country and I was aghast to hear people talk about 3rd marriages. It’s a no no back in my mom’s days. </p>
<p>I see a note about everything being light-hearted in conversations with kids. That is certainly not the case when I talk to D1… we talk about her wrestling with job choices and considering grad school, issues with her grandparents or sibling, etc. But she has never complained that I am too intrusive, so maybe past feelings of “over helicoptering” play into your communication styles now. I would be kind of dismayed if we never could talk about serious subjects or things that were bothering us, though. Of course we often also talk about fun or happy subjects, too. But our conversations definitely run the gamut.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t want my kids to worry too much. I don’t know about what I’ve said but she texted she was worried about me and her dad. They have their own worries, there is not need to add more drama to their life.
Same thing with my mom, she never told us she was in great pain with her cancer, after her death, close friends told us she told them.</p>
<p>^ I admit that our conversation with our young adult kid is mostly light-hearted, on purpose.</p>
<p>I have some lingering concern that I may be regarded as too controlling or too micromanaging his life if I am not careful. Actually, when he was growing up (before college), we might have been over-helicoptering (especially in the schooling aspect of his life) so we think we should now back off.</p>
<p>I have 3 of them who live overseas. We use either whatsapp (messaging app), skype or email for our communications. Usually hear from them every 10 days or so…if I don’t, I will message or email them asking for a one-liner that all is well…this usually prompts them to send me a long email or call me on skype. I don’t ever call them on the phone.</p>
<p>Oh, we definitely have more intense conversations regarding jobs, relationships, etc. - if they bring it up or if I need to share about a family member - but the majority is lighter stuff. I was saying if you have a child that ISN’T warming up to having conversations on a regular (whatever that is for your family) basis, then maybe consider that you aren’t having the same tone/inquisition that you might have been having when they were a junior in high school!</p>
<p>This is what can drive a wedge between adult child and parents. When you want to fund something, you need to do it voluntarily and without strings,no guilt trips especially after your child has graduated from college.This is not to say you can’t have inputs, but their wishes should be heard first. If you really don’t approve of their wishes, don’t offer to pay. No one wants parental financial incentives as a form of control.</p>
<p>Both my kids are married and since they live on the opposite coast, I only saw their spouses-to-be a few times before marriage. I had to trust their judgments. By the time they’ve made up their minds, there’s not a thing you can do and you shouldn’t.</p>
<p>@cbreeze, Our concern is not so much about using financial incentives as a form of control. Honestly, after having paid for the education expenses (not fully every year) for almost 8 years by now, there is not much financial resources left at our disposal (e.g., our 529 has been gone a long time ago) to be used as financial incentives. Our concern is mostly in the area of: Assuming that we could not afford to help them much financially, how would/could they make it work?</p>
<p>I agree with you about your last statement. I truly believe that after high school, whatever we want to “influence” them have been done and very little else we can do after that.</p>
<p>@abasket, We keep ourselves far away from the topic of the choice of job. We do not know much about his field. So it is better to keep our mouth shut. I actually hope his GF and he could come up with their solution (e.g., potentially work at different cities for a period as the couple match is risky) because she could possibly know more about it than we do.</p>
<p>He is preoccupied with school and thinking about calling the parents to chit chat is not on top of the task list.
So if you want to talk to him then you text him and ask him to call home to check in when he has time.
Don’t expect a blow by blow and detailed report on his life but just a short conversation that he, you and mom are all fine.
When he does call have something interesting to talk about that happened at home and not an inquisition of his life.
Make it short and pleasant so he will initiate the next call home.</p>
<p>@DrGoogle I promise people were often divorced multiple times around the turn of the century… it was just less talked about :). </p>
<p>My parents and I technically live in the same state but they’re a day’s drive away. I have OOS friends that are much closer than they are. My dad and I text quite frequently and he’ll call me probably every few days. My mom and I will talk as much as every other day or as little as less than once a week. We’ll usually send a text back and forth once a day- usually of the dogs. We’re not chatty catch-up people, we only call each other when there’s something necessary to talk about. If either of us is busy, we’ll set up a later time. My dad, OTOH, likes to call and talk about nothing. Drives me up a wall but I know he does it because he misses me so I talk if I have time. He keeps my mom in the loop about what I’m doing. </p>