<p>Not where I came from, I don’t mean live in together and then separate. I mean get married with a wedding and then divorce. In fact my mom went to a 2nd wedding, she was a little old and confused so she asked if this is a first wedding or second, the whole table people were shushing and lying to her it was the first but later on when we get together and figured out, it was a second wedding. For a moment my mom thought she had lost her mind.</p>
<p>Do any other single parents have the feeling that the offspring got accustomed to out of sight, out of mind at an early age, which affects contact now? Mine grew up in a split household, and it was not good form to stay in touch during time with the other parent. </p>
<p>I am in the every few weeks camp, but some of that is my busyness, as well as theirs. They are also used to being out of the country, and gchat was the norm, not phone calls. </p>
<p>@DrGoogle well, at least here in America, people didn’t live together really before marriage. It was more common to get a divorce than live together and then separate :). </p>
<p>I am the kind of parent to force contact whether my kids like it or not. My theory is the less you talk, more likely you are going to be out of touch with each other, and eventually there will be less for you to talk about. Since my father passed away, I talk to my mom at least once a day. I now know what she eats and most of her friend’s names. We could be on the phone for half an hour talking about nothing. </p>
<p>I know in the Western culture, we want to give our kids space and do not want to intrude. Unfortunately, more space you give each other, more likely you’ll be out of each other’s lives. I was never a believer of quality time, I was always more about quantity time when my kids were growing up. Recently D1 did tell me how busy she was at work, so she couldn’t call me as often. I told her, “Being there, done that. I made time for you when you were growing up and I expect the same from you now.” It is so easy just to drift apart. It takes work to keep in touch.</p>
<p>I send texts whenever things come up that need their attention–bills or statements. I generally get a fairly prompt response but they only call when they feel like it or I will call or text asking them to call if we REALLY need to talk about something. I see them several times a year, so am happy enough about how things are going. We talk as the spirit moves any of us, generally a few times every month.</p>
<p>They are both busy and happy, as H and I are. This works for us for now. If and when they settle down and start their families, I hope to see and hear from grandkids often!</p>
<p>One thing that I do, and this isnt done to force communications, is that I send him little stuff from Amazon on a regular basis…just things that I think he wants/needs. So, when the pkgs arrive, I usually get a text about them. </p>
<p>He recently lost his stethoscope, so I asked him which one he wants me to order for him. When that comes in the mail, I know I’ll hear from him. </p>
<p>I think boys are just much less communicative than girls. </p>
<p>That said, this has been a good month. Not only did I get to spend 9 straight days with him on a vacation (yay), but he spent last weekend with me and we worked on some projects together and watched a bunch of Mystery Diners shows…lol. H was out of town, so it was just the two of us. </p>
<p>I was also not a believer of quality time and was a believer of quantity AND quality time. However, for whatever the reason it may be, I do not think I have been very successful on this front. On the other hand, my wife has been much more successful on this front (especially on the “quantity” front.) Before his college, she spent a lot of time with him every single day. When he started the college, he was genuinely concerned about what she might be doing everyday without him around. (She holds up well.) He is much closer to her than me. The reason is that not only she is more skillful in parenting, but also she likely spent 10 times more time with him as compared with me. Granted, she could afford doing this because, in a sense, I enabled her to do what she would like to do as SAHM. I have always been the sole breadwinner of the family so she never needed to be concerned about this. But I should admit that even if our roles switch, I may still be unable to achieve the same. (For one thing, she is just naturally good at playing , negotiating and even arguing with kids.)</p>
<p>Is there any family in which the kid is much closer to one parent than the other parent, even though both equally love the kid?</p>
<p>Tonight, the kid called, for almost half an hour. I was not the main person holding the conversation on our end but I was a listener the whole time, as usual. I think I added a few talking points here and there (but not as the main talker.)</p>
<p>One thing that is music to us is that he said his new relationship seems to be going well. Unlike last time, this girl seems to be more interested in establishing a steady and committed relationship. Her parents are also aware of him and it seems they have no objection so far. But the time will tell.</p>
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<p>I think that is quite common. And as for phone conversations, I think kids often talk to Mom much longer and more often than they talk to Dad…even tho both love the kid equally. I doubt my H talks to our kids much at all on the phone except to say a quick, “how’s it going. Love you” sort of thing. </p>
<p>Sons and daughters are very different in communicating. A few years ago there was a CC thread about keeping in touch during college. So many sons do not attempt to keep in touch. A neighbor’s D is away and in medical school- she allows 5 minutes per DAY to talk with her mother, no more- I told her I was lucky to get 5 minutes per MONTH with my son who is working 3000 miles away.</p>
<p>H and I find son can sometimes be talkative and not at others. Since he lives alone and is able to handle his life without us we try to keep contact to make sure he is alive and well. I send many emails and receive rare ones. I also know how to push his buttons- anything he’s sensitive about (like the apt he just chose over his last one so I think he may not like it as well as he thought he would) and he hangs up. But hearing his voice we get a sense of his well being. Some, like our son, are a lot more private than others.</p>
<p>When kids are grown and independent it is still nice to keep in touch when they are single and have no one to be sure they are okay. When I dredge my memory for how often I chose to talk with my parents, it wasn’t that often. Back in those days phone calls cost money and we got along fine with far less contact. </p>
<p>My kids talk to H & me about what they think we may have more skill or knowledge or interest about. Talking about the federal government employment, S & H both naturally talk with one another, since D & I know very little about this. Talking about financial things, I am mostly seen as the expert, since I research this more. H is the go to person about tech, phones & computers. I am the go-to about travel. Relationships the kids talk with one another, if at all.</p>
<p>I do think kids love both parents (in nearly all cases), but of course can have closer connections with one parent or another at different times of their life or at least more to talk about with one parent or the other at different times. Weighing and comparing all of this seems pointless to me. I am glad we keep in touch enough so that we all have some idea about what is going on in each other’s lives but no hovering. It works pretty well for all of us.</p>
<p>great lakes mom I’m a single mom and my ex and I have had joint custody- one week on, one week off, since our divorce. Somehow, I always heard from the kids during their week with their dad but they rarely contacted him during their week with me. I am the one who has helped them maneuver their way through college admissions, etc. and I’m the one assisting them financially with college. He takes them on good vacations. I make sure I inform him about the important stuff because they don’t talk to him. But, I think it is because he has never made the time to focus on hearing them. He’s very self centered and they realized it early on without my pointing it out to them. I’m just their go to person overall because they have always been my highest priority. </p>
<p>I have found that the dynamic has changed over time. There was very little contact with my son when he was in his early 20’s and on his own – but things changed after grandson was born. I am now apparently the on-call expert on everything related to child rearing. Meanwhile, my d’s life has gotten extremely busy - she’s got a full time job plus grad school --and I essentially have to make an appointment to have a phone conversation. So… I say go with the flow. The nice thing is that the internet and text messaging eliminates the problem of obsessive parental worrying - I can’t say that there is ever a time when I feel that I can’t reach them if I am stressed out for any particular reason. </p>
<p>I don’t hear from my eldest (mid twenties) very often now because he is in the midst of huge projects at work, and also because he feels his life is static at present—same apartment in the same city, same girlfriend, same job, etc. He told me he doesn’t feel he has anything much to report; he’s just a boring, working adult. D is just getting started on a new life after college graduation, so there is more news to tell and thus I hear from her more often. However, she is also settling in and has begun to report just working every day and being tired, lol. Less contact with them correlates with a more established stage of life.</p>
<p>Many of my friends’ kids either live at home or very close to home and many have part-time or non-professional jobs. As a result, my friends seem to be far more involved in the comings and goings of their offspring. They still cook, clean, and shop for them too. Thus they are always surprised when I haven’t spoken to my kids in a while. They’ll discuss where their kids went on the weekend and with whom, and will expect me to tell them similar information about mine. I can’t, don’t, and doubt I would choose to blab even if I did know their every social activity. Often it’s clear to me they suspect my children and I don’t have a good relationship. That is not at all the case, but I do think my kids are more launched in the adult world than theirs. I am no longer baking them birthday cakes because they live miles away and would be celebrating with their friends anyway, not with old mom and dad,–that is, if they even had time to celebrate. Not so with other people’s kids, whose lives seem much the same as what they were when they were teenagers. On Friday I actually told my D I needed a few more texts from her so I would have something to say when people ask what’s she’s doing. She said, “Mom, I work 70 hours a week. That’s what I do.” So she sent me two pics of what she had cooked for dinner! </p>
<p>I am 54 and my mom is 80. She lives within an hour of me. To this day, I still call or visit her weekly and let her know when we are going out of town. She never demanded it, it’s just the routine we started and kept. Sometimes we have more to say, sometimes not so much. But the weekend call always happens. </p>
<p>Sounds like in this thread there are many variations of times called, frequency of texts, etc. And all can/are ok if that’s your family’s natural rhythm. What makes me really sad though (seriously, it makes me feel sad!) is those who are tentative about when/if you should contact your children and those that have the desire to talk/keep contact more, but that is not reciprocal. Because that shows there is not a natural rhythm - a unspoken will or need to keep in contact. It’s not wrong, it’s just different to me. </p>
<p>My out of state daughter has my phone blocked.
Sometimes she will respond to text or email.
She allows me to view her Twitter posts but will not respond to messages.
I don’t understand it either.
I was considerably more stressed while raising her sister ( they are eight yrs apart), but we have a pretty good relationship.
However, eldest attended fairly exclusive private schools, while her sister attended urban public and it is difficult being obviously on financial aid in those circumstances. But at the time, I was just trying to find her the best school I could.</p>
<p>S1, 27yo, has always called once a week since he left for college. It’s usually Sun night, but if he’s unavailable he’ll call on Mon night. Sometimes he calls Sun aft if he’s sitting at the airport waiting for his flight. We usually let him make the call since we don’t really know his schedule. He’ll likely be moving cross-country in the next 6 months, so we might need to make some adjustments to account for time differences. We certainly don’t want him calling 11pm our time. He always has something to say. Phone calls work better for him than emails or texts.</p>
<p>S2, 24yo, intends to call once a week, but that doesn’t always happen. Since S1 already had Sun night, S2 had to find a different nigh, usually midweek. When he first got to college, he could go 3 weeks or more without calling. As he’s gotten older, his calls have become more regular, but he’s not as consistent as S1. He’s also less communicative, which we accept. I’m more likely to exchange short emails with him in between calls. </p>
<p>Reading with interest as my son is moving out next month to start his job. Same city as us, but he wanted his own apartment and I am fine with that. he’s never been chatty, and doesn’tlike to talk on the phone. When he was away at school, we talked about once a week, or more if something was going on. Now that he will be on his own I’m not sure how it will be. I agree that it is weird to think that a phone call to your child is a bother, but I never know what he is doing and I don’t want to interrupt. And honestly, it’s best if I have a specific question rather than hey, how’s it going? </p>
<p>I expect that I will have more interaction with my daughter when she leaves for school, but my son seems to need his space.</p>
<p>I will be interested to see how this plays out for us. Our daughter will be living away from home for the first time when she leaves for college in August. She and I are very close and have spent more time with each other than anyone else–in addition to home schooling her, I traveled with her to all her international competitions when she was skating.</p>
<p>I call my parents every Sunday without fail and have for years. Our daughter speaks with them at the same time and says she plans to continue calling them every Sunday on her own. Perhaps she’ll do the same with us. We will see. Anyway, I’m certainly glad I modeled that behavior for her!</p>
<p>My adult kids (daughters) call me or, more often, text me about 2-3 times a week. Oldest travels frequently for work and I’ll often get calls from her when she’s sitting in an airport. Younger D (an actor) always calls to tell before she goes on a call back for a part–I think it’s a ritual for her and calms her down.</p>
<p>If I want to talk to either of my kids (we live overseas, they are in US), I just text them and say “Hey, when can you talk?” They usually text me back with a convenient time. Or they do the same to me. With a 5 or 6 hour time difference, we need to find times that are convenient for both of us. D works 9-5 so we usually wait until she has a day off. So, we may only speak to each other once a month - but we text (Viber) much more often. And facebook chat if we’re both on the computer. S has been busy sending me cat pictures while he cat/house sits this summer. And asking advice on the best way to clean up cat vomit!</p>