Why on earth does anyone think the world was safer before? I’m beginning to think we should call this the “bubblewrap generation” for sure. I know that that other thread spent a lot of time talking about student anxiety, but to seems clear t hat a lot of the problem is excessive parent anxiety.
At 18, unless you’re being asked to pay for something, not sure there is any “let” about it. The kid is an adult and can do what he wants.
At 18/19, my BF and I took Greyhound from Ann Arbor to Mexicali and spent most of the summer hitch-hiking up the California coast to southern Oregon with nothing but our backpacks and a tent. Not a thing our parents could do about it. The world was not safer then, but it sure was fun.
Well, there is being asked to pay for the actual adventure, which is easy to say no to. But there is also being asked to pay for things in the future - college, cell phones, insurance, a car. If an 18 year old of mine said “I’m going and you can’t stop me” well that would be true, but not without consequences at my house. Being an adult, and independent adult, comes with consequences.
I do think one of the positive things I did for my kids was to let them do things like this, and because I was willing to support their adventures they were willing to do the things I asked that allowed me to sleep at night! The bus trip really challenged my philosophy, but he did call daily to check-in and conveniently did not tell me about some of the more, um, interesting adventures they encountered in isolated bus stations across the country until he returned home. I do think his problem-solving skills were tested and came in handy when he travelled solo across Russia a few years later. Like I said earlier, I think it depends on the kid and his prior life experiences.
These days, it seems that fearful-of-crime helicopter parenting is slowing the growth of children into adults who can function independently.
In addition, economic and personal finance issues also make it harder for 18-year-olds to become independent of their parents. A generation or few ago, it was more possible for a high school graduate to find work to be self-supporting without parental assistance or needing to continue living with parents, and have a bit extra to pay for the state university tuition and books, or other post-secondary education if necessary for job and career goals (and it was less necessary back then). It is much less likely for that to be doable today, extending the 18-year-old’s financial dependence on his/her parents.
Even in the past, 18 year olds were still respectful of their parents. I didn’t tell mine I was ‘Doing X and you can’t stop me’ even if financially that was possible. It’s the attitude that I have a problem with.
My kids can do as they like with their money, but they can’t then expect me to just jump back into their lives and start paying for things when they want me to. Be an adult (respectfully, I hope I raised them right), but don’t expect to be a child again when you are tired of being an adult.
I’d have let my sons do it. They are over 18 yo now, but both were a good mix of cautious and naive, well traveled, but used to following the leaders. I’d have made them plan the trip out, have thought about where to stay and what to do, have some emergency plans for loss of money or documents. I would have had them give me a sign of life every day or two, just a text would be enough.
They both participated in summer travel/study programs in HS so they had some experience. As they got older, we tried to have them do more and more on their own, like fly without the group then meet up or stay late and see something without the group. In college, both did solo travel within the framework of study/work abroad.
Maybe that is the compromise? Have the 18 yo get to Europe alone, do something with a group/organization once there, then have some solo travel afterwards? A mix of structure and freedom? Kind of like what kids do when they study abroad in college. They have their programs, but often travel around alone on weekends and once it is over.
I do remind myself that 18 yo fight in wars, get married, hold jobs.
I actually wasn’t considering the question here to be whether or not the parent should fund it, but whether it was reasonable to say no. I would not have wanted my kids to say, “I can pay for this, so it doesn’t matter what you say.” I hope we had the type pf relationship that if I was not in favor of something they wanted to do, regardless of who was paying for it, they would listen to and consider my concerns. Actually, that was the relationship we had with them when they were younger because my H was not as supportive of their travels as I was. They explained, he listened, and we reached places of compromise. It was never about the money, but about respect for our concerns. Whatever we did, I guess it worked for us because our kids (all 3, 2 boys and a girl) became adventurous travelers, alone and with others, who learned a lot about life in far flung places, often without the comforts and ease they had experienced when traveling with us. There is so much to learn out there, and the world is not a scary place if approached thoughtfully
For the record - I had at least two unpleasant experiences with men while traveling alone, but that does not mean I would not let a kid travel. One was while hitch-hiking and there were two of us. The guy let us out at the nearest train station. Another time I was alone in a railroad compartment with a flasher. I moved.
I’ve had way more than 2 unpleasant encounters with men in my hometown.
^Me too or #metoo.
An 18 yo woman has more to worry about traveling alone, but I don’t think that should prevent her from doing it. She would have issues in her home town, too.
I hope, OP, you’ll consider letting him go. Of course, only you know your son and can evaluate whether he can handle it but, really, there’s such an opportunity for growth and there’s a tremendous network of young people traveling through Europe who meet one another through hosteling. D2 was older when she traveled alone but she met two wonderful college students in Paris who she then traveled with again a year later.
D3 went to Europe with her bff after high school for 5 weeks. They figured out most of their itinerary and where they were staying ahead of time and my D agreed to text once a day, even if it was just to say ‘I’m alive!’ or ‘X is beautiful’. I did feel nervous but that wasn’t a good enough reason to say no. (Agree with all the posters about the discussion NOT being “I’m going and you can’t say no!” – not the relationship we have with our kids.). Also, while going with a buddy is preferable, it sounds like that’s not an option for OP’s son.
Younger D wanted to drive our 2005 car across the country and I was really apprehensive because of the age of the car, despite the fact that it had never given us any trouble, was maintained, etc. D2 said to me, “Mom, what’s the worst that can happen? The car breaks down somewhere and she has to figure out how to deal with the car and/or get to an airport and pay a lot to fly home.” That really made me think through my worry. She was right. Having said that, of course something worse could happen but those “worse” things could happen in her college town or even in our home town.
I really believe we have to let our kids fly. I’m sure there are reasons why we should say no in some circumstances but, in the vast majority, I believe the answer should be yes.
" D2 was older when she traveled alone but she met two wonderful college students in Paris who she then traveled with again a year later."
Both my kids met people they are still in touch with and have seen again several years later. Friends all over the world.
Agree that YES is the right answer most of the time.
Never mind. Too personal.
If they are 18 how can everyone say no? Suggest no. Talk to them about it. Withhold funding of course. But we really can’t say no.
S1 & S2 grew up doing a lot of traveling (camping, cross-country, overseas) and so have always been pretty savvy travelers. Both visited colleges on solo trips in April of senior year to make their final choice. I spent a week in NYC with my BFF at age 15. We roamed all over the city on our own.
S2 spent part of the summer in Moscow and Eastern Europe after his soph year of college. He had a purpose and a plan, which helped us feel more confident. He left his passport on the plane in London en route to Moscow, which caused some significant stress (it was the night of the big derecho here, and I had just gotten out of the cardiac rehab hospital…)
I also did a trip to see said BFF in Germany after my junior year of college. Had a couple issues with guys, but no harm done. I learned not to wear shorts in Europe!
S2 is now living in Eastern Europe and loving it. Is doing all kinds of solo trips and having adventures, and has a job that enables him to pay his own way. Took him three years to save enough to have funds in reserve.