http://www.npr.org/sections/ed/2015/08/28/434350484/how-schools-are-handling-an-overparenting-crisis
The books by the authors in this discussion have been discussed here, but the interview is interesting and proposes some practical things parents can do when they feel themselves falling into the trap of over-involvement.
I liked this:
We just discussed the using of “we” when applying to college, on a CC parent board. The conclusion for most of us is that “we” indeed are applying to college! Since the parent participates in so much of the process, including filling out forms, paying fees, providing transportation to tours, it is indeed a “we” situation. Now “we” won’t be attending college, our children will be, but “we” are definitely part of the process.
Sorry, but in my family, “we” didn’t apply to college, my daughter did.
I agree.with @oldmom4896. We toured some schools. We filled out financial aid forms. But my kids applied to college.
We have to pay for it, the we includes my husband and I.
Whenever there is a payment involved like application fee, “WE” do involve.
I’ve paid for my kids’ extracurricular sand school fees their whole lives. That doesn’t mean I was attending their school or playing on their team. Paying app fees doesn’t mean I’m applying
Do I advise them? Of course, just as I do about many things. And there are parameters set by my budget and such. But I’m not applying. They are.
We helped D research schools, we drove her to tours, we will pay the application fees, and we will even look at the application with her before she fills it out, and after she fills it out - but she will be the one filling it out, and she will absolutely be the one writing any needed essays or personal statements.
We pretty much tell others who ask how the process is going - that SHE is looking at these schools, and SHE likes that school, and SHE wants to study this and that…
As for applying -
I understand a kid not being used to filling out applications for things, and being nervous about it, and I feel some parental guidance and moral support is helpful…
I think a line is crossed when parents start filling out the forms (even their vital info - your kid knows how to type their name and stats, hopefully), and it’s definitely crossed when a parent or anyone else besides the student “helps” with the essay beyond proofreading it. I read an article a few months ago that some people hire people to help their kids write their essay. I find that appalling and unfair, actually. Look, if your student cannot write a brief essay for college application, on his/her own, perhaps they should reconsider even going to college.
But, as far as choosing potential schools to apply to - that’s an overwhelming task for many kids who don’t know where to start, imo. It was for my D, anyway, and I’m glad we were able to give her guidance.
I agree 1or2musicians. It’s not like my D is doing everything in a vacuum. Let her have a say doesn’t mean she has the ONLY say, but absolutely she is the one doing the applying, the test-taking, the essay writing, etc. “WE” are not taking the ACT in 2 weeks. “WE” are not in physics class. “WE” are not writing the essay about why she wants to go to a certain school. We write the checks, Dad reviews the essays, and I make sure she’s doing test prep. But given our financial guidelines, SHE chooses the schools and SHE chooses the majors. Involvement can mean support, but not actually doing it with or for them.
And to clarify. When I said filling out forms, I meant financial forms and FAFSA. Not the app. My son had filled out the CA and the UC app before I even realized it.
Parents should absolutely help fill out the FAFSA and financial forms, I agree!
I’m not suggesting that there’s one way that everyone should handle this. But for me, my job is to support my kids to the best of my ability financially and emotionally, help them get opportunities that help them develop, give them advice and support to make the most of those opportunities, and help point out correct any major concerns that I see; but it’s also to listen to them and let them develop their own voice, and to become independent. It’s ultimately their lives, and their achievements (whether I pay for them or not) are their own.
To each their own, but sometimes I am very glad (in retrospect) that my parents had nothing to do with my college apps. At the time, it was a pain- filling out my FAFSA, not being able to go to them for advice, etc, but in the end it meant that ultimately everything was on me.
Some of the power trips I’ve seen (some) parents go on when it comes to college apps is truly astounding.
Note: I do think parents (if they’re paying) should have a say. I also firmly believe though that it is your CHILD that is spending 4(ish) years at a university, NOT the parent. That should be in the forefront when making any decisions.
There are many things parents need to involve in college application. First is to set a budget. This is critical to have a reasonable list of schools to apply. Second is to help to identify target schools and arrange for college visit. Third is to complete all the FA forms. Forth is to keep an eye on the schedule for EA/ED/RD. Don’t count on the teenager to find out when to take which test and score submission themselves. I have read so many threads in this forum about students applied to, accepted by, and committed to financial reach schools. The parents should go through the list to make sure there is no financial impossible and there is enough safety and match schools. There are many things the kid cannot do by themselves too. For filling the application forms, writing essays, etc, those should be left to the students.
Sounds like if parents are involved to any degree, they have earned the right to say ‘we’. If they’d rather not do so, to each their own. I would say we are a ‘we’ family. As long as it’s not an ‘I’ (the parent) effort, all is well.
You know, I filled out the FAFSA myself back in the day (asked parents for relevant information) and also did all the college research myself as well. It really shouldn’t be all that daunting for a 17 year-old.
At that age, my granddad was already sailing the high seas on a ship. A year later, he was married. A year after that, he was a father. I do wonder if pushing back the age at which we force kids to mature is a good thing.
Purple titian, so was my husband and I. Maybe we realized it was not something we want our kids to repeat. I’m sure if they have to do it, they can do it.
My household is a “we” house . What does exactly mean for us? My son investigated schools that had his major, that were within our financial parameters and he would be interested in attending. He contacted schools to set up tours and meet with admission counselors, deans of the department that his major included in, he met with his guidance counselor to investigate scholarship opportunities at the schools he was interested in attending. He registered for all off his standardized tests and AP tests . Here’s where the we comes in. We attended information sessions on SAT and ACT prep courses he was interested in. We went on tours of each of the schools he was interested in attending ( the whole family went because I have a Freshman who will be looking at many of the same schools ) We filled out applications in as much as I provided inane demographic material such as my drivers license number, my work address , how long I worked there and when was my car first registered in our state. He filled out the application . He wrote all of his essays. I reviewed and proofread them. He wrote his resume , I reviewed it because he never had written one before. I paid for application fees, transportation and SAT prep fees, etc. Our school doesn’t provide assistance with essays, applications , resumes etc. They don’t assign essays as part of the English curriculum. So yes, I describe it as " we did this or that" because in some aspect we were involved. Does that mean I take the credit for the process or diminish my son’s effort or responsibility in the process? Absolutely not. The college process is different for every family. What works for one, doesn’t work for all. That’s not to say how we do is the “right” way to do it. It’s just right for us. I wouldn’t begin to pass judgement on any other family for finding what works for them.
While my husband and I have never used “we” in front of our son when talking about college (or his activities, school, or anything like that), I think that we’ve done everything that @carolinamom2boys has recounted. And for reasons she has stated, when he is not around, when talking to other parents, I might easily slip into saying “we’ve looked at colleges x, y and z.”
Personally, I see the new spate of books about “overparenting” to be part of a rich tradition blaming parents for all kinds of perceived social trends and ills. Line them up next to all the other books telling parents all the many, many things we are doing wrong, and how we could be doing better if we would only buy this great new book.
Let’s all check back in, in 10 years, to see how our horrible “overparented” kids turned out.
Totally agree @nycparent12 !