Will “we” also be involved in the graduating student’s job search?
^Certainly! More than applying to college. “We” could have more clouts there to influence the outcome.
I didn’t read the article, only the quote.
We constantly talk to our kids about all aspects of life, including ideas like how participating in activities/sports impacts our entire family (cost, time, limited resources). We discuss subjects they want to study and how to go about finding resources/mentors. We discuss how they can optimize their time/efforts. We discuss how different locations have different COL and different opportunities (We get transferred quite a bit, so discussing in terms of what they are losing and what they will be gaining is reality.)
I’m not sure why all of a sudden we would shut up and not discuss colleges and the different costs/opportunities/careers simply because they are srs in high school. Yes, they are the ones applying, but college is no different than any other major decision in our family’s life. It involves discerning cost, limited resources, and available opportunities. I think it is the kids who have no parental involvement during the application process who are the ones whining, “but my parents won’t pay” like somehow the only thing that mattered is what was going through their mind or the students who end up changing majors 10 times and don’t graduate for 6 yrs b/c no one took the time to discuss career paths and possible majors.
We want our children to be adults and function independently, but simply standing back and uninvolved does not guarantee that outcome. Parenting is being involved enough to assist them in making educated decisions, not just leaving them alone to make a decision.
Last year I realized that being an uber efficient Sikorsky Attack Helicopter Parent ™ was not helping my daughters, and I got us all into counseling and eventually learned (and am still learning) to demote myself to research assistant and unconditionally supportive mom.
I had made the mistake of equating their freaky high test scores with the desire to be a top academic, and had really burned the joy of learning right out of my kids with insanely high expectations.
Luckily the girls were saddled with only one helicopter parent; my husband has always been of the mindset that they will figure it out eventually, and the right way for them will be inevitably fraught with failures and errors. I still struggle with this even as I recognize it is a much healthier way to raise the kids, rather than making sure everything is as perfect as I can make it and trying to protect them from all the iniquities and unfairness in life.
As a hyper-critical perfectionist, it has been a HUGE struggle for me to let them be not as perfect as they can possibly be. But it has also taken a lot of pressure off of them that I was unfairly putting on them.
I still nag, but if it doesn’t get done, hey, that’s their choice, and they will end up where they’re supposed to be, rather than an artificial accomplishment that feels alien and unearned to them because it was their mother paving the way and obliterating all obstacles in their path.
They know we love them no matter what-that’s probably the most important thing I had to learn to communicate to them-that their failure or success at obstacles does not affect our love for them.
We’re still far from having it all figured out, but it feels like we’re pointed in a happier direction now.
I have read this article several times and have pretty much decided that the people worried about over parenting are probably over parenting. They should buy the book.
The people not worried about it are either underparenting, doing okay or die hard over parenters. They should save their money.
Anything that gives the example of bringing your kids lunch to school when they forget it turns me off immediately. If I am home and able to take my kid his forgotten lunch, then I do. If I am not, then I don’t. Does that mean I am over parenting? Whatever! I think it makes me a considerate family member. If I forgot my lunch and my husband could bring it to me and he refused in order to teach me some life lesson, I would consider him inconsiderate.
We don’t say “we” are applying to college, but “we” do look at colleges because if we all drive 3 hours to look at a school, then the two of us who know a little bit about college having been to a couple are going to pay attention. So duh! We are looking. Only one is really deciding in the end.
Also when the author who says parents of travel soccer team parents need to get their own hobbies. ROFL. Those parents don’t get to have hobbies. Who does she think carts those kids to games? My friends whose kids play travel soccer don’t have time for laundry let alone hobbies.
The interview in the original article is with the authors of TWO DIFFERENT authors of TWO DIFFERENT books. Sorry I picked such an unpopular quote. The article is quite short and worth reading, imho. I did some of those things cited and I am not proud of myself. As it turned out, my daughter didn’t get into the top three schools on her list (only one of which was a steep reach). She’s had a great experience at and has been wildly successful at school number 4 and I am so glad that it turned out that way.
This type of stuff runs in long generational cycles:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Strauss%E2%80%93Howe_generational_theory
I don’t think the line is over involved vs. not at all involved. Of course, flying cross-country to see some of the colleges on DD’s list “we” all toured them. So did her friend who came with us and has no intention of applying to any of them. And of course I drive her to dance class/practices, as I have for 11 years, but “we” aren’t taking dance. And honestly, I would not have her in a hobby or sport that so completely took over our lives that even finding time for laundry was a stretch, not unless she was Olympic caliber.
I do do a lot of research about the schools ONCE D HAS PICKED THEM. But that’s because I enjoy research, because there isn’t a ton of information on HBCU’s and D has friends interested in them, so I pass on what I learn. D has done much of the same reading herself, though.
SHE is the one making spreadsheets and timetables-not me. As a family we talk about costs and expectations and options, and the rest is up to her. “WE” will be happy with whatever decision she makes because “we” already know that her plans meet the parameters set.
But I don’t think I will miss driving to every dance practice and losing much of my Saturdays for years on end.
If I didn’t do a lot of the things needed to get my kids into school, neither would be in school. Both said they were interested in college, but did nothing to make it happen. Both are in schools I suggested because I dragged them to college fairs, or read about programs on the sports websites. I arranged the trips (and paid for them). I tried to get them to take more responsibility but they weren’t interested. I could have just not done the paperwork or made them pay the consequences for being late, but that usually costs us money we don’t have.
One of my kids has a lot of pressure on her to keep all her scholarships. I want to be able to help her and relieve some of that pressure. I’m good at forms and following up on paperwork so that’s what I do. Yes, she could do some of it and I make her do more than she really wants to do but I don’t think it is worth it to lose a scholarship or pay a late fee just to prove that she can do it alone. I had to do it alone and it was hard and I certainly missed a lot of opportunities because I was 17 and didn’t know what the hell I was doing or supposed to do.
“We” did not apply to college any more than “we” applied for jobs because I picked up my husband’s suit at the dry cleaner’s and help him proofread his resume.
My adult son told me that he was scheduled to interview a job applicant for a professional position and her mother insisted on being in the interview. The interview was cancelled and both applicant and mom were sent away.
I have never liked the term “overparenting”. Now, if the phrase is “overparenting to the extend a kid cannot function well on their own” then that IS a problem. But how many of these kids exist? I’m sure they do in small numbers, but I personally do not know any in my circle of involved parents. Are the schools/colleges seeing substantial numbers? Employers? I’m sure there are parents that go overboard, but does this justify the new term? Books?
As a previous poster stated, I too, will bring my child lunch if she forgets it on occasion. If I start to notice any helplessness because of this or other things I do, then I will worry.
I am much more worried about “underparenting” in todays society.
@TomSrofBoston, isn’t this a self-correcting problem? People who bring parents to interviews will not get jobs. Period. Honestly, how often does this happen?
In my office in NY, I’ve been interviewing candidates for over ten years, for both internships (students) and full time positions. The young people I’ve interviewed have almost all been polished and professional – really, many of these students and young graduates are just as impressive as candidates who have been in the job market for years.
For the few exceptions, the problem has been being underprepared. Never, ever has my office had an applicant suggest a parent would come along.
Of course, all kinds of crazy things happen in this crazy world of ours. But in a competitive job market, where we have multiple well qualified applicants for each opening, the jobs will go to the most impressive candidate among many. Not to the person who does something borderline crazy like bringing a parent (or anyone else!!!) to an interview.
Unless she is a complete idiot, I think that candidate your son was going to interview will make darn sure her mother doesn’t know about the next opportunity.
MotherofDragons, thanks for the great post! Your honesty is refreshing! 
@nycparent12 He said it was odd. The applicant was coming out of a top 20 college and it flummoxed everyone. He called HR for advice and they said to send them away. It was extreme but some of the stories I’ve read about helicoptering at college here on CC are equally bizarre.
Thirty years ago, my colleague’s father called our boss because he got a bad review. It didn’t hit the news and no one made a big deal out of it because it was one case of crazy parent.
The job market is so competitive now, and so is the college process, that young people need to be a lot more prepared. Kids with parents who are able to them do have an edge.
I do worry more about under-parenting than over-parenting. My father often told my kids that they were luckier than me growing up. I had to learn everything the hard way.
As long m kids are not on my payroll after college (or law school in D2’s case) then I am good.
I used to know a husband who called the branch manager at a bank that I’ve worked at after a bad review. His wife wasn’t fired afterward. She either told us or somehow the rumor mill got to us.
@oldfort I totally agree . As long as my son is self sufficient and independent once he graduates college I’m good. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told him to choose wisely. Just because I have a home with a basement doesn’t mean I expect him to live there the rest of his life.
In keeping with @PurpleTitan 's generational info, I do think parenting styles tend to cycle in trends which ebb and flow.
I, for one, would have liked a little more parental involvement in the college search process. My parents paid for me to go out-of-state (God bless them for that) and we visited a couple of schools, but other than that I did everything from signing up for the SAT to filling out applications. In the pre-internet age, I - a flaming liberal arts student - somehow ended up at an engineering school. Huh? Luckily I had a good experience. But was that really the best use of my college time? Probably not.
We Gen-Xers tend to be a little more helicopter-ish with our millenial kids, though some of us take it a bit too far. Nevertheless, I’d rather overdo it than under-do it.
We also have the “free range” movement going on, which is probably a direct reaction to helicopter-parenting.
PS: I would never, ever, get directly involved with my kids’ job search/interviewing process, other than to be a sounding board to them. ETA: If I had a job lead or saw/heard about one then I would pass it along.