S2 has a lovely GF of two years, and I am still completely irritated by people (family, strangers, coworkers) who see them together, or a photo on my desk and ask right off “So what IS she?” … referring to her race. I have usually opted for a puzzled look and a solid “um, she’s American? What did you mean?” but I wondered if anyone else had a snappier reply? DH says " she’s a girl better than he deserves". The gf herself has indicated it’s tiresome and inevitable since she and her mom are not the same race, so they just roll their eyes and answer with her ethnic group of birth, but she does usually answer after a lonnngggg awkward pause. I love that part…Am I wrong in thinking this is a rude question?
“Why do you ask???”
Beyond rude.
“What is she?” “A lovely girl”.
“Isn’t she lovely?” or “don’t they make a beautiful couple?”
“She is my son’s girlfriend! H and I are delighted that DS is in a relationship with such a lovely young woman.”
“Do you mean her ethnic heritage?” My daughter is Asian, and I am not. I am so beyond caring about these initial questions that I just answer with what I feel they want to hear. People are curious. People don’t always have filters, or speak too soon to engage theirs. Could be a cultural thing. Plus, we get the benefit of laughing about it later. The more awkward, the better.
My H and I are different races and we get the “what are they” question about the kids all the time. Now that they are older, they get it directly a lot. S calls himself an “ethnically ambiguous brown guy.”
I don’t take offense to it, though. I just assume people are genuinely curious and don’t always ask artfully.
The most annoying question is, “Where did they come from?” I usually say something about finding them nine months after H and I fell headfirst into a bottle of something fun.
I think the way you pose that question here seems rude in how it’s asked, but I don’t think the curiosity and questioning is rude if done tactfully. Why is being curious rude? My Dad was South American. I could be taken…and have, for spanish, italian, Lebanese, Jewish, even Asian. “What are you…or he, or she” is an ignorant way to ask. I agree. But there is nothing wrong with asking about a persons ethnicity. I think a " she is beautiful, is she from here"…if the answer is yes, then a “what is her heritage” is not rude IMO.
My sons GF was born in the U.S., but her parents are from another country. She is an exotic beauty. I’m have been asked that type of question, in what form I don’t recall, and have no problems answering. I don’t think snappy comebacks are called for.
Ah, yes. THAT question. We got it a lot when D was young, even with my H sitting right there with me. I usually answered “Our daughter” and moved on in a tone that let them know how boorish the question is.
The one that really got me was the time the woman in line with us at a performance intermission asked me “Where did you get her?” When I replied that she was my daughter, the woman asked, “But where did you GET her?” I explained that she is biracial, that my H is black, and she still wanted to know where D “came from”. I should have told her I found her in a box of Cracker Jacks, but I wasn’t thinking that fast. I slowly and carefully explained that it’s possible for people of two races to have a biological child.
Ok, well “where did you get her” deserves snark for sure! I stand corrected.
I tend to agree that the question may be genuine in its intent, but crass in its delivery. Focus on the former, not the latter.
Too often these questions hurl a person back to being the perennial “Other,” objectified and game for parsing down to her smallest parts. It. Is. Rude. Because…if one is graced to be in her life long enough, and to share personal stories, this will come to light.
“Where did she come from?”
“What are you?”
“Did you adopt that child?”
“Where is the biological mother?”
Where are your manners?
@sseamom - I would have told that woman, “From my vagina.” That would have stopped her from asking I bet. 
True enough – sometimes people ask if she’s an international student, and that makes a little more sense. I understand their families are curious about a potential new addition, but strangers? coworkers? GF says she fell in love with him when someone at a party said " so what are you" and my son leaned forward and said “European with some French Canadian, thanks for asking. And I’m hers”
That’s sweet, and quick thinking, too. Maybe if someone is looking at your picture and asking, they really are just trying to make conversation. Again, it depends on the person I think.
I once got asked about dd. She’s beautiful. Is she yours? It was probably meant as a joke but not a nice one. Both of us parents are of the same ethnicity and she looks like us.
I often babysit the little daughter of some friends; an exceptionally beautiful little girl. In the summer her skin is the deep color of rich caramel; her hair is tight, tight little black curls; she has enormous dark eyes. She could be part Latina, part African American. In fact, both her parents are white – the mother is Northern European – but her dad is from the south of France, he’s dark and gets darker during the summer too. Everywhere she goes, she attracts attention - and inevitably her ethnicity comes up.
The questions come from all kinds of people – white and those of color, too. Latinos ask, African Americans ask, Asians ask, white people ask. Her parents are used to it, they smile and they explain that the dad is Mediterranean. So I follow their example, and I bet she will, too. The questions aren’t malicious, it’s said with a sense of awe: she’s that pretty. This is a case where the cigar is just a cigar.
She’s a girl, as the cigar is a cigar.
Is it Cuban? From Philadelphia? Tijuana? - type, blend, point of origin. Where’d you get it?
Our daughter isn’t bi-racial but that didn’t stop some slightly offensive comments about her appearance when she was a baby ( some people thought she was albino )
Also, a lot of people ask where my husband is from because of his accent ( which I don’t even hear anymore )
Sometimes there is a lack of tact , but I don’t think people mean to be rude when they ask. People often think he is Irish , Russian …no one ever guesses right if they pick up his accent. If I am with him when they ask , they assume I am also from Sweden , which is funny since I have a now diluted Boston accent.
I am always curious where people are from or their ethnicity but I am careful about how I ask so as not to offend
I don’t think there’s any nice way to ask the question, at least if you are meeting for the first time.