As someone who is asked this question frequently, I can say that it’s annoying. I realize that it’s not usually meant to be rude, but it is sort of rude to ask someone you don’t even know, “what are you?” Funny thing is, even when the question is answered, some people choose not to believe. Sometimes I lie just to match whatever story the person has in mind. Just because you’re curious about something doesn’t mean you need to ask or that someone is obliged to answer when you do.
Rachut, a simple “yes, she’s a product of my husband and I. Thank you.”
Why isn’t, “She is lovely,” enough for people? That makes everyone feel they’ve made a connection.
Yeah – I mean, even if the person is “just curious,” it doesn’t mean that they should be asking the question. I am the most insatiably curious person in the world, about just about everything about everyone, because I think people are pretty fascinating, but that doesn’t mean I get to ask prying questions.
Also, as been said above, it’s always about the “other.” No one asks me what I am, cuz I’m white. Apparently no other info needed. There’s a lot of possible variations on that in the world, but no one seems to need to know what category I fit in. The minute someone’s coloring and features ventures out of that box, though, everyone needs to pin it down.
As i said, people are fascinating. But they don’t need to be rude, and grownups learn what questions are rude and which are okay.
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The questions come from all kinds of people – white and those of color, too. Latinos ask, African Americans ask, Asians ask, white people ask
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True…not only white people ask these odd Q’s.
Today, while in line at CVS, a black man asked me if I’m Hispanic. Don’t know why he asked.
Sometimes there is a natural curiosity when someone is very exotic-looking.
Yes, even if the exotic is whiter than white ^^^
My husband is chinese and I am white so I have gotten these questions alot - best to laugh them off. One supermarket clerk when two of my girls were maybe 3 and 5, said nicely “are they sisters?” and when i said yes, she replied “oh thats so nice that you kept the family together” - it wasnt until later that I understood what she meant and that I should’ve let her know that I adopted their father as well?
Ohhh, so much to say to exotic, but…
@doschicos wins the day…from my vagina. Lol!!
My husband is dark, nicely dark, and my D1 is dark, too, but D3 looks Dutch, apparently all my friends got questions about “who is D3’s father?” I guess that was rude enough that they did not ask me to my face!
D1 looks Hispanic or in some places they think she is East Indian, she was recruited for ethnic sororities, referred to as being Mexican in university, etc. When she got her current job in a city an hour or two from her old place, a friend with a car drove her back and forth several times; a few months into the job her employers admitted they had thought se was both Hispanic and lesbian. She asked if she still got the job or they needed someone to check all those diversity boxes! I have actually never been offended by it, but this thread makes me wonder if I should ask her if it bugs her?
Our friends are from USofA and South Africa, making their blue-eyed, blonde-haired daughter African-American.
…and?
The right way:
Wow! Your daughter is so gorgeous and exotic! What is her ethnicity?
The wrong way:
What * is * she???
Just because someone may have natural curiosity doesn’t always mean it’s always appropriate to act to satisfy it depending on the situational context and/or individual personal circumstance of the individual being asked.
Particularly if the question is personal and/or there’s a long historical pattern of such questions being focused on certain groups…particularly “exotic” or “foreign looking” individuals to the point they are effectively cast as perpetual foreigners.
Also, it’s not only “foreign-looking” or “exotic” Americans who are likely to get annoyed at constantly being asked this question. It was apparently a sore point with my apparently White HS US history teacher when she got upset and said in reply to questions about her family’s country of origin/ethnicity “It’s irrelevant and NOYB. All that matters is that I’m American now.”
Question was asked by several classmates just after we covered the US immigration experience and how she and her family immigrated to the US through Ellis Island sometime in the early 20th century and how she was able to take advantage of the opportunities afforded by the US to attend college and grad school through a PhD program in US History at an elite university(Think UChicago, JHU, UVA, etc). Incidentally, she retired not too long after I graduated HS.
No to Exotic. No.
People are curious, people are rude.
Love some of the witty come-backs.
@doschicos #12 wins the Internet today. Lol…
I think the best way to answer is directly. It prevents the discussion from becoming a big embarrassment to all.
I have a Chinese daughter (I’m white) and I’ve had people try to be tactful, be rude, make assumptions when they ask questions. I just say ‘she’s Chinese’. I also have a daughter who was born prematurely with special medical conditions but seems to have overcome them. When people (even medical professionals) ask “Isn’t there anything WRONG with her?” which I find a lot more intrusive, very personal as they are looking for either a physical handicap or a learning disability. If I say ‘no’ it’s like they don’t believe me. ‘Really, NOTHING is WRONG with her?’ I usually say “Well, she’s left handed.”
Eww, no, not the right way at all. That’s right up there with “what kind is she” and “where did you get her from.” Or my personal favorite, from a random grocery store stranger, “I always wanted one of those.”
There is absolutely no polite way to ask personal questions about a stranger’s child. The details of a stranger’s child’s life are none of your business, and you are not entitled to any answer, much less a civil one. Neither the physical appearance of the child nor your insatiable personal curiosity nor your claimed good intentions make anything about that child one bit of your business.
Honestly, that same thing is true of strange adults and casual acquaintances of all ages. If it’s any of your business, it’ll come out as you get to know the person. And if it doesn’t, perhaps it’s none of your business, no more than political persuasion, age, weight, or preferred style of underwear would be.