" I also have a daughter who was born prematurely with special medical conditions but seems to have overcome them. When people (even medical professionals) ask “Isn’t there anything WRONG with her?” which I find a lot more intrusive, very personal as they are looking for either a physical handicap or a learning disability. If I say ‘no’ it’s like they don’t believe me. ‘Really, NOTHING is WRONG with her?’ I usually say “Well, she’s left handed.” ’
???
Americans are waaaay overly sensitive about race. **In other countries, people don’t pretend not to notice that someone is a different race. **
While one doesn’t “owe” a stranger an explanation of anything, one needn’t immediately take it as a microagression that people have 20/20 vision.
I wonder why this is such a sensitive issue. Oh, right, melting pot ideals and all of that, despite the de facto, systemic instances of it being anything but.
The mantra for so long had been, as Anita would tell Maria, “Stick to your own kind, one of your own kind.” We then began to cross the street when those not like us were near, or moved when they moved in. Just to keep our blinders on.
How can it bother you that someone whose kid looks white is awarded a National Achievement Award (other thread), knowing that kid’s background, and then you find it valid to intrude into others’ personal space, and ask for room to walk around in it, and that is okay?
The OP said the question was often asked because a picture was displayed. If you don’t want to be questioned, don’t display pictures (and I’d think these weren’t strangers but guests to her home or co-workers).
People are curious (and some just rude). I’ve been asked in so many ways, and I really don’t think there is a way that isn’t offensive to someone. I’d really rather question just be direct but the next person might prefer that nothing be asked at all, so it is sort of a no win for someone who is curious. I just answer the question directly or try to make it a polite but final answer. If someone says ‘what is she?’ I’d most likely answer “my daughter was adopted from China”, sort of heading off the next question of ‘how did you get her?’ or ‘how much did she cost?’
I don’t like the ‘snappy replies’ that some suggest. I cringe when I hear other adoptive parents bark them out to people who might just want some information or are trying to show interested in the family. To others, they are what the questioner deserves.
See, there is no answer that would please everyone.
“If you don’t want to be questioned,” don’t go out in public with your kids. Then people don’t have to quell their curiosity and just go about their way.
When my Korean born son was small, other kids would look at his blonde mom and blonde sisters (not so much my dark haired husband) and ask “Is he yours?” And I would take it in the spirit of a teachable moment, and explain adoption.
But as he grew older, I started to realize: it’s not my job to eradicate ignorance, particularly in adults. His history is HIS to share or not share, not mine.If he wants to share the story of his adoption, great. But it’s his decision to make, not mine.
So when a well-meaning teacher told my daughter that she had her brother’s eyes, she didn’t correct him. It wasn’t said in the spirit of nosiness, it was a new teacher trying to get to know his students through a question about whose siblings he had already taught.
In other words, the curiosity of other adults is THEIR issue, not mine and not my son’s. I don’t owe them an explanation, any more than they owe me an explanation for their lives-- why they’ve gained weight or how much money they put into renovations on their house.
You have a right to think what you want. You have a right to be curious. What you don’t necessarily have a right to is an answer to those questions in your head.
Seriously-- don’t display pictures??? So if I don’t want to be questioned about my mastectomy and the resulting unevenness of my shape, I guess I should refrain from wearing a bathing suit? And if I don’t want the details of my husband’s inheritance laid open on Facebook, we should refrain from doing repairs on our house?
No one has a RIGHT to pry into my business or anyone else’s business.
No, A South African caucasian person living in the US is NOT an African-American. That is not the accepted use of that term. Most schools now list is as African American/Black so people do not use it inappropriately. Hopefully they did not claim that on a college application. Just no.
This is a great thread, as it reminded me of a time that my husband and I were out to dinner. We are both black and I wear my natural. A woman walked past, and said, “I love your hair” and touched it! I was so stunned and quite frankly left speechless. My kids have had this problem in school as we are the minority, but I am shocked an adult didnt know better. I am sure she thought she was being really nice and complimentary, but NEVER touch our hair.
As a really white guy with a very non-American accent I get asked all the time, in the US, where I am from (by Americans of all sorts of appearance). I think it is normal and an easy way to begin a conversation.
The question asked of the OP is unlikely to be malicious or unpleasant in intent. It is really not nice to seek deliberately aggressive and scathing replies.
Missed the window to fix the typo in #46- Most schools NOW (not “not”) list it as “African- American/Black” so there is no misuse of the term.
People can ask insensitive questions. Its typically out of ignorance, and for those who choose to use it as a teachable moment, hats off to them. Agree that no one is entitled to an answer to a question, especially what may come across as an inappropriate, personal or tacky question. As a child I was asked by a new neighbor kid where my horns were (I had no idea what they meant at the time) and DS#2 was once asked where his “beanie” was. Would rather educate someone than mock them. Might think about replying “where is your dunce cap?” but would never say it.
“If you don’t want to be questioned, don’t display pictures”
Seriously? So, there’s one set of rules for single-race families and another for mixed families? That’s absurd.
OP, Feel free to bug out your eyes a bit (like you can’t believe you heard that question), smile, and ask “What do you mean?” In other words, make the other person own the question and rephrase it in a more open and honest manner.
I had one man ask me “did you have your daughter with a different partner?” My eyes bugged out at that one. Why do people think they can ask such questions? Others can try to defend them with the old “they’re just curious” but really, curiosity doesn’t excuse being rude. Asking “What are you?” or “What is she?” is rude.
I have two very homely friends who produced two stunningly attractive kids. The kids look enough like them I’m sure they are not adopted, but it is amusing that the genetics worked out so well in their case. Of course I would never say anything.
This reminds me of a story my babysitter told me. She was wheeling her son and mine around in a double stroller and someone asked, “Are they twins.” Evilly, she responded, “No they were born three weeks apart.” The questioners eyes got big and said, “I didn’t know that was possible.”
I find the “other” part of the argument the most valid/interesting/relevant. If we were all asked where we were from (which seems more innocuous, it’s like what’s your major) all the time, then it would be no big deal if people ask about the GFs ethnic group. For the curious questioner, it’s just this one question. For the person being asked, it’s a daily event that serves to remind them that they stand out, attract the curious, implies you are in the “wrong” place. I imagine that might get old. Or maybe it doesn’t need to be a big deal? I think “exotic” implies you are outside the norm, and not everyone thinks of that as a plus.
I had friends who lived in Cairo when their red-haired, blue eyed, Irish daughter was born. They eventually had to get a cover for the stroller, or only go out at certain times, because she actually attracted a crowd because of her looks. I don’t think this is a phenomena unique to Americans. And I think it’s a good point – we have to get to a point where we can observe race/ethnic differences with respect on both sides, and have an honest conversation without anybody getting prickly. Just not sure the path there…
@sorghum - i love to ask people about their non- american accents. Glad to hear that at least you think its normal! I’ve heard some fascinating stories; met a delightful chemist from tunisia speaking arabic the other day. I went home and googled tunisia and learned a bit about the country.
and truly; if i do ask someone where they are originally from, its just that i’m curious, and want to learn something new. My son’s jr high soccer team played another city school team; we finally asked where some of their kids were originally from: bhutan. We learned there’s a bhutan immigrant population in our very midwest flyover city; that was new and good to know.
i do get that there’s a difference when people ask families about their children; that’s almost too personal.
There’s a really big difference between assuming an accent is non-American and assuming a skin color is.
^It is all the better that there is significant subset of American women who are really attracted to guys with certain types of foreign accent!
Funny, no person of color I didn’t have a relationship with has ever expressed any interest whatsoever in my child’s background. Guess they must just be lacking eyes or curiosity.
But for y’all who opine that a stranger’s idle curiosity entitles them to answers, what high school does / did your child attend, and what’s their graduation year? In my area, that’s considered polite conversation; my daughter gets asked all the time what school she goes to and what grade she’s in. It’s obvious from your postings that you have or have had school age children; if you didn’t want that kind of question, you shouldn’t have posted here.
I’ll just keep asking persistently until I’m satisfied with the answers.
(#55) ^ Huh?
Recently we were across country and had an interesting conversation with our uber driver. She had an accent that wasn’t easily identified. Turns out she was from Bulgaria originally, but until about 10 years ago happened to live in our home town, about 10 miles from where we live!
“The questions come from all kinds of people – white and those of color, too. Latinos ask, African Americans ask, Asians ask, white people ask.”
Yes that is true. Our 9th grader is white but he has a dark completion with brown eyes and hair. He has been asked many times if he is part Black or Hispanic. Mostly by Blacks and Hispanics. At first he thought the questioning was weird but it’s happened enough that he just says no. He doesn’t think they are being rude when they ask although he’s not sure why it should matter.
I have members of my family who are Puerto Rican. It is very common in the Hispanic community to ask, and what is being asked is “are you Puerto Rican, Dominican, Colombian,” etc., because different communities have different cultures and food. But there is no offense to that. Same with Caribbean people. They do ask and there is nothing wrong with it. When I was growing up, it was common for Italian Americans to ask, as well, to find out if you were Sicilian, Neapolitan, Calabrese, etc. My BIL was Barese and he was always asked in the Arthur Avenue of the Bronx area where he grew up.