They are looking for a connection.
I asked my DD, she said:
I get asked that all the time. And if I say I’m from the us (she lives abroad) people say “yeah but where are your parents from?”
People have guessed Mexico/Spain, Native American (once they know I’m US), and I get a lot of East Indian guesses over here.
Also on every single work trip (Brazil, Greece, etc) the waiter would come to our table, look around, home in in me and start speaking whatever language. Because clearly I was the pale faces’ guide 
Doesn’t bother me though. I like looking “exotic”. Sure do wish I could legit check the “are you Hispanic” box on applications though.
My daughter is a public school teacher. She sort of resembles my Italian MIL and has dark hair and eyes (although very fair skin) and her students can never understand why she doesn’t speak better Spanish because they are sure she is Hispanic and always ask her what she is because each group wants to claim her.
Here’s some perspective. http://thegrio.com/2011/07/30/why-asking-what-are-you-is-often-offensive/
I’ve frequently had people ask me about the origin of my surname, with varying degrees of politeness. “What kind of name is THAT?” vs “What a nice name, where is it from?”
When a white couple I knew lived in China, people would come up and lay hands on their very fair children in public. Not good.
I can certainly see that being constantly queried about one’s background can become a severe annoyance, especially if people don’t accept the answer.
No, it is not only people with family members who are diverse who are asked about pictures displayed on their desks or in their homes. “Are all those kids yours?” “So many children, you must be ____ (insert Catholic or Mormon or ‘competing with the Duggars’).” “Oh, your boys are so BIG. Groceries must cost you a fortune.” “You can afford to vacation in Hawaii? Wow, you must be loaded.” Most people have family pictures on their desks because they enjoy looking at them AND because they want to share them with others, which leads to others asking about them. I can’t imagine displaying a picture and then not expecting to be asked about it.
If you don’t want to answer questions, either don’t display the pictures or just say “That’s personal.” That will shut the other person down. It might make you appear rude, but it is your choice. I prefer just to answer the question.
^It appears rude not to answer a personal question? Really?
How much do you weigh?
How old are you?
How’s your sex life?
How much do you earn?
Would not answering those questions by a colleague, client, or other visitor to your desk be rude, too?
I prefer to give prying people (as opposed to friendly, questioning people) an indication that it is not 1952, and implied judgements about someone’s “american-ness” are better left unstated. I don’t mind answering questions (what is she majoring in? where did they meet? is she from out of state? when does she graduate? are they serious? do we like her?). I mind rude people getting away with being rude without even a teency challenge. But yes, if the picture is where people can see it, that’s going to happen.
You never know what people are carrying with them through life, unless you know them. That’s my measuring stick, personally. If I don’t know you well enough already to know the answer to a probably-rude question, then I need to keep my curiosity to myself, or at least be careful about how I word things. And if you can’t find a polite way to ask, then, d’uh, don’t ask.
One note on this: people’s level of general inquisitiveness about strangers varies a lot depending on region of the country, and probably by culture as well. I can remember that my wife, from Long Island, was taken aback by how “nosy” people were in South. She was slightly alarmed when total strangers would strike up a conversation on the elevator, or in a checkout line, etc.
So there may be some culture clash in these questions and the reaction to them.
Self test: would you ask a total stranger where he or she bought their shoes?
To me, it’s very much about feeling Other. And for those who aren’t used to that feeling, it can be very tough as a kid, and shape one’s worldview greatly, at least for part of your life.
When I started my pediatric practice in small town Wisconsin, some grandparents brought their grandchild in.
Right away, “What are you?” I think they were somewhat confused that I didn’t have an accent.
Me (weary of how this is asked, but trying to be gracious): “My parents are from China, but I was born in Iowa and went to school in Madison and Milwaukee.”
Grandpa: “Well. They say those foreign doctors are good.”
Me (washing my hands, luckily, so they couldn’t see me react to the fact that they thought either being 1) Iowan or 2) from far away Milwaukee (one hour down the road) was foreign.)
Argh. I choose to take the person’s intention into account when I was asked this question or when it was asked about my kids, so I’m not rude with an answer, but make no mistake-- it really is a rather rude way of asking.
I wouldn’t accost someone on the street and ask where they got their shoes, but if I were having a conversation, I might. If I were out riding my bike, and I started to chat with another random cyclist, and they seemed to have great fantastic bike shoes or a wonderful jersey that I’d like to get, I’d ask where they got them. And I’m not from the South.
How about this suggestion:
“What are you?”
“You mean what’s my religion? I’m so glad you asked! Let me tell you about…”
@garland: There’s a really big difference between assuming an accent is non-American and assuming a skin color is."
I hope everyone reads and digests this comment. PLEASE READ.
This has been enlightening. I would have no problem asking somewhere where he/she is from due to accent, as I get it all the time, as in I have been in the midwest my whole life but I sound as if I was raised in the South.
But I would never ask someone where he/she is from because of their appearance/ethnicity.
I have a blond, blue-eyed, white, long-haired daughter. No one has ever called her “exotic”, tried to touch her hair, or asked where she’s from, much less where I got her. Her biracial sister has has all of the above happen. I had to tell one saleswoman back off as she followed my younger one around, running her hands down her long hair. “But it’s so beautiful! She’s so…exotic looking!”
PLEASE. The exotic thing is othering. It smacks of sounding like these kids (and adults) are some kind of show piece. Just. stop.it.
Lots of good comments here. Interesting to see how many just don’t get it.
I think that the “exotic beauty” thing is a hangover from Old Hollywood. At this point in our national life, I think it is out of date, at best. Time to get over the fact that we are a multi-racial, multi-ethnic society.
If you take her to St. Lucia and ride a public minibus everyone will be touching her hair.
Totally different. Yes, it’s strange to be a novelty in a faraway place or on a vacation to another culture. But to be singled out, intentions notwithstanding, in your own community, in your own culture, can be disconcerting and difficult for non-white Americans, especially children.
Once again, let me ask:
I had a mastectomy in 2008. I had reconstruction, and in everyday clothes, it’s not an issue. But if you chose to look at me in a bathing suit, you could probably tell that something was “off.”
Does that mean that my only choices are:
a) to explain my medical history to anyone who cares to ask why I’m lopsided or
b) to avoid the beach?
Am I not allowed to wear a bathing suit with the reasonable expectation of peace from curious strangers, or is their right to know more important than my right to my own medical history???
As you can tell, I’ve grown used to the idea, and in fact have mentioned it to some of my students when the context was correct. But that was MY choice, as is the choice to mention it here.
But if some curious person passes me on the beach when I’m not in the mood to talk about it, am I to understand that I OWE them an explanation simply because I chose to put my uneven body into a bathing suit in public???
Where I live, there are plenty of people who do not, on first glance appear to be too obviously one of the usual racial/ethnic groups defined in the US, or whose own racial/ethnic identity may differ from what many people may think it is on first glance.
What racial/ethnic group(s) would most people say the person in this picture is?
https://cbssacramento.files.■■■■■■■■■■■■■/2013/04/115267692-e1365186623109.jpg
