<p>Anyone feel like sharing their favorite tips on how to stay positive and enjoy what there is to enjoy in each day? I just read this great article in Self about getting in the habit of finding what’s beautiful – so you focus not on the pile of dirty laundry but in the joy your child has jumping in that pile. The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin also talks about that – finding something to enjoy – whether it’s a child’s smile, the sun on your skin, or simply the joy in feeling your breath move easily in and out of your body. </p>
<p>Sometimes it’s a struggle. With D deferred, she now has anywhere between 10-12 college apps to do this Xmas break and everytime I hear some parent’s great news about their child getting in early, it’s harder and harder to smile and congratulate them. And like everyone here on this site, college is but one part of daily stress. </p>
<p>But this is my latest mantra (because by and large, we have so much to be grateful for): I am far luckier than many, and less fortunate than a very few. For me, it puts things in perspective.</p>
<p>For me, mindfulness helps. It’s the practice of being present in the moment without judging it. Easier said then done obviously, but it is a good skill to work on. It involves paying attention to when your mind wanders away, placing you mentally in the past, future, or going over something that isn’t right in front of you. You have to keep pulling yourself back. It helps to note random details of your surroundings until your mind is solidly present in the moment again. </p>
<p>As for refraining from judgment of the moment, that involves shutting down thoughts like, “This bus shouldn’t be late” or “Now my day is ruined.” Instead, things just are what they are, and you can accept them even while putting in effort to change the things you can control.</p>
<p>Also, it’s helped me to remind myself that it’s a cognitive distortion to think my worry helps prevent things from going wrong.</p>
<p>I have spent the last several years learning about cognitive distortions and how our own thinking tends to make us unhappy. I’ve been learning how to counter my negative thoughts with more positive ones. </p>
<p>For example, you could counter your worries about your daughter with the following:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Realistically, it is up to her to get those applications done and if she chooses not to follow-through, then that’s her decision. <a href=“I%20know,%20%20easier%20said%20than%20done.%20I%20was%20in%20this%20exact%20same%20spot%20last%20year%20with%20my%20son.”>i</a>*</p></li>
<li><p>Everything happens for a reason. It always works out for the best.</p></li>
<li><p>My daughter is her own person and is doing the best she can and while it would be nice to have an early acceptance under her belt, this doesn’t mean she wouldn’t get into college.</p></li>
</ol>
<p>I do love Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project. I have it on my internet favorites and check it almost daily.</p>
<p>Gratitude = contentment = happiness for me! I am also a person of faith, so prayer and meditation help me everyday. I think happiness is a choice, not a state of being. In every situation, I can choose to respond in a positive way or negative way. That doesn’t mean that crappy situations won’t happen - it’s just that I can choose how to react. (Btw, I have struggled with depression most of my adult life, so I’m not a natural Pollyanna. I just realized one day that all I can control is my reactions to life. And Paxcil helps)</p>
<p>I occasionally listen to radio host Dennis Prager, who spends a lot of time talking about happiness. He says it is our job and duty to be happy. At first that sounded strange, because like most I assumed that I needed outside forces to <em>make</em> me happy, but then I realized he was right - we are responsible for our own happiness, and we owe it to our families, friends and everyone to make ourselves as happy as we can be, everyday. It is actually easy to do, once you accept that premise.</p>
<p>Well…just this week we had a kid in our town who shot himself in the head. I have a good friend with a daughter with Down’s Syndrome. Another friend’s husband was unemployed for 18 months and is working now, but they are heavily in debt. Last night at church they showed a movie about a couple where the wife gets up before 5am to get her handicapped husband setup for the day and hands him off to a caretaker so she can work all day. Then she rushes home for the night shift (including a midnight wakeup to administer necessary medication). After that, how could I complain about any inconvenience in MY life?</p>
<p>My children are healthy and happy. I count my blessings constantly!</p>
<p>We have had to deal with significant adversity due to chronic health conditions that I, hubby & my kids have. We stay positive by realizing that we have a LOT to be grateful for. When I had just come back from grad school & was feeling sorry for myself, I made a point of visiting folks I felt could use a little cheering up every time I wanted to have a pity party. Since my grandfather had recently died, I did spend a lot of time visiting my grandmother. The nice thing is that in working hard to help cheer her up, we became closer and both of us came to cherish the time we had spent together. I never told her why I had spent so much time with her and after a while, it was just because I came to enjoy her anyway.</p>
<p>My kids & I spent a lot of time together because they were so sick they often couldn’t leave their beds, much less our home (each missing roughly 1/2 of HS). We always looked at the bright side–they still had/have great minds, we were able to spend a lot of time together, and they had a lot of time to think about what they would do when health permitted. I always would say, “Something good will come of this (whatever the adversity was),” and eventually it was borne out.</p>
<p>Cultivating gratitude and optimism is worthwhile and can be habit-forming. :)</p>
<p>True story: In the early 1960’s one day a little girl rushed home from kindergarten eager to tell her mom what “Bobby” had brought for show and tell that day. Even a five year old in a small town in the midwest could recognize an expensive 35 mm camera and know that it was not her parent’s “Brownie” camera. She told her mom what her classmate had and then said" Bobby is SO lucky!". Her mom just looked at her and then said “No, Bobby is NOT lucky”. Mom then told the little girl that Bobby was an only child whose parents had been killed in an accident and that he lived with elderly grandparents.</p>
<p>I was that little girl. I was the lucky one, not only because I had my parents and siblings but because I learned not to envy what other people have or get.You never know what else going on in their lives.</p>
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<p>I’m sorry for you D’s disappointment. But please keep congratulating the others. Others have had their struggles, too. You never know.</p>
<p>Those deferrals are hard. My brilliant oldest son was deferred and eventually rejected from two colleges in December. He still had good choices in the spring. He ended up choosing the lower ranked college with the higher ranked program and hasn’t looked back. He’s a college senior now with a great job offer already. Put on those rose colored glasses. It may all be for the best.</p>
<p>Thanks all – so many good ideas – and believe me, it’s not like I’m saying “my daughter didn’t get into college therefore I’m depressed.” I just recently felt a lot of stress from other areas (being the breadwinner in a brutal industry, having a husband who had stage IV cancer and still experiences ongoing health issues, having a son who has learning issues and behavioral problems, and recently a long term friend who was honestly pretty mean to me for no apparent reason). Normally I can put a good face on just about any day, but sometimes I just come up blank. </p>
<p>It really really helps to see other people’s good ideas. I especially like the mindfulness thing – the letting go of “framing” life events in a negative way. I’m going to get a “meditation for dummies” book and practice on the train to work. </p>
<p>And I do believe D’s college journey will work out in the end. Certainly, since we need financial aid, from all I’ve read on CC it would have been disastrous for her to get in early. But I wanted her to have that admission boost. I would have worked 2 jobs if she got into her target school.</p>
<p>And I also believe it’s good for her to experience a little disappointment in life. Maybe she’s learning more from the college admission process than she actually will in college!</p>
<p>Classof2015,
Sorry you’re having so much adversity at the moment, especially hubby’s poor health. Hope things improve soon. Perhaps your friend was just feeling & venting the stresses of the season. Not really fair to you, but sometimes things just happen.</p>
<p>Yes, everything CAN work out for the best if that is the attitude that is maintained. My S was rejected from his “top choices,” but he ended up at a school that was happy to have him & gave merit $ to help make it affordable. He was given 3 great job offers and is just waiting for his security clearance to start work in 2011. </p>
<p>D was kicked out of HS after her junior year & forced to figure out what to do with herself. She studied & passed the GED, started CC in what would have been her HS senior year & has not looked back. She transferred to her dream U & has finally after her 3rd application gotten into her dream school with in that U! We are very proud of her perserverance through adversity.</p>
<p>Hugs, Classof2015. You are doing a great job considering the enormous amount of stress you are probably experiencing. The college application is stressful by itself, without the added stress of a seriously ill spouse.</p>
<p>Trust me, I had many days like that last year. Son was deferred from the first college he applied to while his closest friends got in. He was floored - it was totally unexpected, even by the college counselor. He was accepted to the school during regular decision but ultimately choose to attend another school. But that deferral was a real morale zapper for him. I spent the greater part of one night talking him off the ledge. He was also deferred from his highest reach school and didn’t get in but that was expected. </p>
<p>With your financial aid situation, your daughter is smart to apply to a lot of schools and ED would have not probably been the best option for your family. My son had friends who apply to one school, got in and that was that. Some kids (like my son) choose to apply to many schools and that’s okay too. It just drags out the process a little longer but within a month, your daughter will have sent in most of her applications and then you can sit back and relax for a little while. </p>
<p>And they do learn from disappointment. I can already see son has made some changes in his life because he did not get into his super-reach school. He knows that it’s still a possibility for grad school and he worked really hard to get a 3.8 GPA his first semester in college. He says he’s determined to keep it up.</p>
<p>I think there are universal truths about happiness yet it is also intensely personal. </p>
<p>I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason or that things always work out for the best. I find comfort in the idea of randomness, of chaos. It has lifted a huge burden off of me to embrace that. I’m not sure I believe in God but if there is a God, then I don’t think of God as the great planner but rather the great comforter. In moments of pain and grief, I think God is a shattered as we are, as bereft but the gift is that God/love is there with you in the pain. </p>
<p>For my immediate family, I am so lucky that it’s fairly easy to get a grip and see how blindingly lucky we are and have been. When I think of family, friends and strangers who are suffering, I have to weep, allow the anger at injustice, try to take any action I can no matter how small. But in doing that, I can also truly feel the joy, the happiness when it is present in my life.</p>
<p>Kate, I’m glad you said that. Whenever I hear “everything happens for a reason” I think of Katrina, or those beleaguered folks in Haiti, or my beloved SIL who was killed by an arrogant jerk in a hurry.</p>
<p>I’d hate to believe there was a reason for those things. First, because I don’t believe actions are foredained and directed from above–we’ve been granted free will, and we act in a world of changing circumstances as best we can. Secondly, because it cheapens those hurts–I don’t believe one person’s tragedy exists to cause good in someone else’s life.</p>
<p>For me, happiness comes from accepting the uncertainty of this world, and being the best person I can be in that world, acting from gratitude for my good fortune, and compassion towards those with less. Not wanting a lot, and understanding that I still have more than most.</p>
<p>Thanks for all the hugs — it means a lot to me. I have tears as I read your words of support.
And PMK and Garland – I’m on the same page as you – after many years of questioning the whole idea of faith, I’m now at the point where God is sorry with us when bad things happen. He didn’t cause them to “test” us - they just happened.</p>
<p>I also believe that sometimes, all we know of God is other people. So maybe He’s sending me comfort through all you good kind people. :)</p>
<p>People who got in ED, only has one choice. Even though it is painful for your daughter now, come April she will have a lot more choices. </p>
<p>D1 was also deferred from her ED. I remember rocking her to sleep in my lap that night (she who is 5’9" and me 5’2"). I thought to myself that I would have done anything to take her pain away. At the end, she ended up at the best school possible for her. I have never seen her so happy as in the last 3 years. Because of her difficult college process, she never took anything for granted again. When it came to her job search, she planned it out- did free internship, made the right contact, practiced her interview skills. She got a full time offer end of junior summer, so this year she has been enjoying her carefree senior year, while many of her friends are looking for jobs. She said this is her ED pay back.</p>
Not really fair to you, but sometimes things just happen.</p>