How to break really bad news to father?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hello CC Parents! I’m a long-time lurker with only a few posts. Some of you may remember the last time I sought the advice of the level-headed parents of CC about my younger brother. Now I have a different problem and I’m calling on you all once again. This is going to be long, so I apologize in advance.</p>

<p>Okay, so in late February 2011 my mother told me that she was 3 months behind (counting that month) on her mortgage. My mother worked part-time at a local LAC and my father has worked a great paying job for 25 years at the time this started. My younger brother and older, permanently disabled brother, both lived at home and remain unemployed. At the time, I was living in an apartment with my boyfriend and other roommates 25-30 miles away while working 3 jobs and attending a community college. So my mother asked me to move back home with my boyfriend (who works full-time) and pay (collectively) $700 a month in rent to help out. At this time, the mortgage company was not allowing my family to make payments during this period. My father had NO idea what was going on.</p>

<p>In May, my mother lost her job and started collecting unemployment for the first time in her life. She was devastated. I moved back into my parents home with BF when our lease was up in June. Two weeks later, we got a notice taped to our door that the house was going to be auctioned off in July. I was mortified because my mother had been telling me that things were going well and they were negotiating a deal. Then the reality of the situation hit and my mom began the lengthy process of appeal. After 8 decisions and appeals, my mom decided to get a lawyer in November. The lawyer gave us high hopes and told mom that she met the “requirements” for loan modification. </p>

<p>All of this time, my mom has been saving away money in case of emergency. She has been on the phone with the lawyer weekly. She has done everything from yelling, to begging, to crying with the company that holds our deed. My mom handles all the finances in the house and was obviously in over her head when the money got tight when my dad’s overtime dried up in late 2010 and her taxes went through the roof. There weren’t that many corners to cut and my mom is way to prideful to accept help from anyone. My younger brother should have got a job to help with the finances. Sorry, I’m getting off topic but I’m really frustrated.</p>

<p>On this past Monday, mom got a call from the lawyer informing her that the mortgage company does not want to work with us and our house is being auctioned off next week.
Dad still doesn’t know and mom just told me about the call this evening. Mom’s plan now is to tell dad what has happened this coming Monday evening and that they need to file for bankruptcy ASAP. She had tried to convince dad to file for bankruptcy when I moved in but without knowing our situation, dad shrugged her off as crazy.</p>

<p>Now you are probably wondering why we haven’t told dad about all of this. We haven’t told him because he is an alcoholic who is prone to violent rage if he feels the situation warrants it. To make matters worse, he HATES my mom and is always threatening divorce over the littlest of mistakes. Oh, mom forgot to put gas in dad’s car? “I HATE YOU, I WANT A DIVORCE!” Oh, mom forgot to put cigarettes or lunch in dad’s work bag. “I HATE YOU, I WISH I NEVER MARRIED YOU! YOU ARE SO F*ING STUPID!” The last time they argued, he threw a remote control at her back and left a huge bruise, broke things around the house, and said that my disabled brother needs to go to a nursing home because our lives revolve around him. He said this with said brother in the room!</p>

<p>We’re terrified to tell him, but know we have to. </p>

<p>So, my question is…how should we go about telling him? I know you don’t know him, but you all helped me so much last time I had a problem, I figured that if nothing else I can get relief just talking about it. My mom hates that she has put me in this position and she hasn’t told anyone else about the situation. I told my BF and long ago I told my younger brother but we haven’t told anyone the latest news.</p>

<p>We know that we have to tell him on Monday night…and we know that we have to have the whole family home including my BF to physically protect my mom. We just don’t know how to start this conversation with someone who is completely incapable of having a rational conversation. The only positive aspect about this is that men my dad has expressed a few times that we should “walk away” from the house since it’s mortgage is underwater. </p>

<p>Oh one more thing, my dad will probably be even more stressed because we just got word from a coworker of my dad’s who is involved in their union that they are most likely going to strike soon. IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE.</p>

<p>Before I end this though, I just want to make it clear that my mom really tried to make her payments but fell behind with rising costs of living, higher taxes, unforeseen financial burdens, etc. She wanted to make payments to the company after she fell behind in late 2010 but they wouldn’t take her money. Her options are to pay $58,000 by next week, file for bankruptcy to buy time to find a rental, or file for bankruptcy and (short) sell the house to a company like Waypoint and see if they can rent it back to us (or rent another house through them). </p>

<p>Sorry this is so long, there is just so much to the story and I am VERY flustered right now.</p>

<p>Thank you in advance for reading.</p>

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<p>Zep - the house is being auctioned off next week? I don’t think filing for bankruptcy will help you at this point.
It sounds like you father is abusive and I am so sorry for that. I hope you will have support/family around when you tell him about the house being auctioned. I do think he has every right to be very angry that he wasn’t told about this WAY before now. I would be furious if my husband told me ‘sorry, the house is being auctioned this week’ and I never even had a chance to try to do anything about it.</p>

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<p>Charlottemom, </p>

<p>Thank you. I agree that my dad has every right to be upset, and that is an understatement. My mom’s lawyer told her as long as she files the paperwork on Tuesday, the bankruptcy can halt the process and give us 6 months to vacate. But I don’t know if that’s true. </p>

<p>If it were easy to talk to my dad about money, we wouldn’t be in this situation. He is impossible. Not that I’m giving a pass to my mom, but I understand her fear when she wanted to tell him over the last couple of years that things were tough but felt she could not. He gets so irrational and angry when finances are brought up, yet he doesn’t want to deal with the numbers. He ultimately just blames my mom, my disabled brother for being a “money pit,” and the caregiver paid by IHSS for “having too much power over our lives,” whatever that means.</p>

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<p>Sorry for all the stress and difficulties you are all dealing with. I wish I had some answers but unfortunately I don’t. Wishing you all the best! I hope things improve in the near future.</p>

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<p>A foreclosure auction can be halted by paying the back mortgage to the bank, that is if your dad can make it good. There are otherways to halt the foreclosure auction such as file bankruptcy, you must consult your lawyer for that.</p>

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<p>sorry did not read the whole post. looks like that you know all the options and only if your dad can help. 12+ months behind is a painful experience. I have no more to say.</p>

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<p>You stated your sibling is disabled. Has she contacted an attorney about this fact?</p>

<p>A permanently disabled dependent can actually stop or slow it down depending on the state you live in. It will come down to the disability, but that is something to look into to save the home for a time. I knew someone that managed to defer foreclosure for 3 yrs. because the court stated there was a dependent member in the home that was recognized by the state as permanently disabled.</p>

<p>Also because of discrimination acts for housing, this is not something you want to hear/read, but alcoholism is a disability regarding protection. This is a funky thing because to get this you must admit you are and not in recovery, however must alcoholics will not recognize this and thus they won’t play that card. Yes, an alcoholic gets discrimination coverage, recovering does not.</p>

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<p>do you have any legislators in your district that has been verbal about the housing crisis? If so, try contacting their office to see if they have set up special help, or can offer any assistance. Many lawmakrs are looing closely at some of these issues. They may not be able to help, but it is another of those long shot ideas.</p>

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<p>Vlines has a point.</p>

<p>From a realtor perspective, the reason they would not allow her to make payments is because she was too far in arrears and they wanted the whole chunk to get her back on par. It was an all or nothing. Hate to say it, but that tends to happen when 2-3 months were not paid.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, many lawyers will also tell clients not to pay for the re-modification issue. This of course can backfire. Most homeowners are not going to squirrel away that money or pay down other debt like credit cards that they used to keep the home going, i.e. food, phone, cable, etc. Instead their debt ratio is still a high level and that means they will not qualify for re-mod.</p>

<p>Contacting your state senator and US congressman/Senator may bring leverage. It is a long shot, but if this is a trend in your area they may step in since this is an election yr.</p>

<p>Not trying to manipulate the disability issue, but again if it means saving the home, it is an issue that can sway the lawmakers. It is a human story.</p>

<p>Last thing I could advise is contact a Realtor in your area, one that you see ads for everywhere. Tell them the story, and see if they have mtg connections. Believe it or not in this economy there are realtors that specialize in this scenario. Most are known as the REO — NOT RELO, REO …work with bank owned properties. That is their expertise. They work with the banks and attorneys, they have connections.</p>

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<p>Is the house ONLY in your mom’s name and not your dad’s as well?</p>

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<p>Even if the house is only in your mom’s name, your dad, if not formally divorced, will still be responsible for its transactions.</p>

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<p>take a look at this:
[Eviction</a> after the Foreclosure Auction](<a href=“http://www.forecloseddreams.com/eviction-after-foreclosure-trustee-sale]Eviction”>Eviction after Foreclosure)</p>

<p>After the auction, the one who gain the title cannot evict you right away. So you still have time.</p>

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<p>If the loan is only in one parents name there may be another way.

[But</a> There’s a Catch by Cienna Madrid - Seattle News - The Stranger, Seattle’s Only Newspaper](<a href=“http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/but-theres-a-catch/Content?oid=12175988]But”>http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/but-theres-a-catch/Content?oid=12175988)</p>

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<p>I think the threat of physical violence needs to be the priority. Contact a local women’s shelter and ask for guidance.</p>

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<p>I agree with Pinot, but more</p>

<ol>
<li> Go home, when dad not there, copy every bit of financial stuff you can find. Make certain you know where every account is, evry tax return, every prior employer. This entire situation stinks. If he had good job, *** is going on.<br></li>
<li> Find women’s shelter. Tell them re disabled brother. </li>
<li> Find local law school for clinic for divorce, or go with her to local courthouse and get paper work for divorce. NOW.<br></li>
</ol>

<p>Your dad may be right – walking away from house may be best. But that doesnt excuse any abuse.</p>

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<p>The question of mtg holders is a great question, because if you use me as an example, Bullet is the holder of the mtg, nowhere will you find me in that, however, because we are married my name is on the Deed and Title.</p>

<p>Again contact a RE attorney for clarification in your state.</p>

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<p>I can’t offer any advice on the legal/financial side, but but I think you need to move out to your own place ASAP, offer you mother and brother temporary refuge if they want/need it, and otherwise stay out of this. Your parents have been building their dysfunctional structure for years. It is satisfying to them in some way or they would have ended it long ago. Staying with a abusive man, allowing a grown son to mooch, keeping a dire financial situation a secret for almost a year–your father may be a violent drunk, but your mother is an enabler and co-conspirator in this mess. But it’s not your mess. It’s your mother’s job to tell your father the truth and to seek financial alternatives. Let her cope with her own life. If she fears violence, she can go to a shelter. You already took on way too much by moving in and paying rent. Stop now, or your parents dysfunction will be a drain on your life forever. You need to concentrate on your own life.</p>

<p>As an aside, I don’t understand the desperation to “save” a house, when financial reality demands that the family adopt a less expensive lifestyle. It’s not the end of the world, and is economically far preferable, to sell the house and move to an affordable apartment until the money situation improves. The bank was smart enough to know that a single income could not support this mortgage. The mother should have come to the same conclusion long ago, rather than spending money on a lawyer in a foolish battle.</p>

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<p>MommaJ, I couldn’t have said it better. </p>

<p>This is a student asking for advice on how to fix intergenerational dysfunctional family problems. She’s in a crisis, but the first thing she needs to do is take care of herself and realize she cannot solve her parents problems.</p>

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<p>Thank for all of the thoughtful responses. </p>

<p>I just wanted to check in and say that I read through them but I haven’t been able to talk to my mom today because she had to take my brother to his treatment and run errands. But I plan on talking to her later tonight. I do know that she is going to be consulting a bankruptcy attorney today and a local real estate group to see if they’ll buy the house.</p>

<p>Honestly, I would have preferred they just sold the house long ago. In fact, I’m still extremely upset with my mom for missing even one payment without telling anyone. Her pride gets in the way of her judgement. Anyway, I think one of the reasons she doesn’t want to give up this house is because they poured so much money into it to get it wheelchair accessible for my brother. He needs so much accommodation that the entire bottom level of the house had to be redone. My dad resents my brother so my mom is scared that if we lose the house, my dad will demand we put him in a nursing home which WOULD be the end of the world for my brother. I have wanted them to get a divorce for a long time but mom can’t afford to take care of both her self and my disabled brother alone. </p>

<p>Anyway, I hear what you all are saying about needing to focus on myself. This is my second quarter at State in a rigorous program and mid-terms are on Tuesday! So I’m quite stressed even without my parent’s problems.</p>

<p>I’ll update you on the legal matters when I get a chance to check in with my mom. </p>

<p>Thanks.</p>

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<p>Divorce that *******. What the heck are you in this situation for?</p>